[RBQFS] You know that crushing? The one with the souls?

It's about damn time I got around to this. No character/team assists. I might work on them later.

=== Brief Intro Section ===

Handle: Lainer

Aliases: Lain, Lainki, The Real Lainer Accept No Substitutes Now With Five Percent Less Cholesterol, The Taco Task Force, Soda Cat (You *really* don't want to know)

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=== "Real World" info: ===

Name: Jaarik Zel Abels-Smit

Answers to: Whatever

Occupation: Student/Slacker

How I got here: Damned if I know. It involved elsewhere somehow, but I'm more willing to believe it was the work of faerie magic.

Likes: Giant robots, kittens, blowing up giant robots, Segata Sanshiro, blowing up other things up with the assistance of giant robots, SNK, and any power rangers episode from the first season.

Dislikes: Aggressively stupid people, Gainax, S.D. Perry, Anne Rice, remakes, any power rangers episode not from the first season, and Siliwood.

Hobbies: Playing video games, collecting video game merchandise, acting smarter then all of my friends, and building my own private army of bloodsucking robotic Godzillas (I'm up to four!).

E-mail address: taco_task_force@earthlink.net

Website: www.geocities.com/xiwakuralain/index

Favorite Fighting Game: Power Stone 2

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=== Avatar Profile ===

Character: Lainer
"The Odd One"

Stage: A stereotypical private detective office. Two desks are laid out on the right and left sides of the screen; one with a 'Lainer' nameplate, the other with a 'Karma' nameplate. Lainer's desk is relatively neat, mostly because there's nothing on it except a B&W TV and a Turbo Duo. Behind the desk are posters for Segata Sanshiro Shinkenyugi and The Misadventures of Tron Bonne. The other desk is covered with miscellaneous papers, the innards of a disassembled plasma rifle, and a sleeping robotic hamster. Ms. Karma herself (who happens to be the second character from Lainer's desperation) is sitting behind her desk and busying herself with the local paper. Behind her is a Men of Squaresoft calendar forever stuck on Mr. June; Ashley Riot. A stairway to the upper levels is situated between the two tables, and the door to the street is on left side of the screen. Printed in reverse on the glass door is 'Lainer and Karma's No Holds Barred 2EXTREME Temp Service'.

Home stage theme: Public Image Limited- This is Not a Love Song
Away stage theme: Smash Mouth- Defeat You

Alternate theme:
-vs. black dub: Reps- 'Bout the City
-vs. Brandt: Aerosmith- Dude
-vs. Brian: XTC- Generals and Majors
-vs. Cosmos: Aqua- Cartoon Heroes
-vs. David: Offspring- Pretty Fly
-vs. Dragomorph: Whiteberry- Chikoku no Uta
-vs. eonsinger: Nirvana- Smells Like Team Spirit
-vs. Jake: You am I- Fox on the Run
-vs. Kaophyre: Smash Mouth- Diggn' Your Scene
-vs. Krinn.: Marilyn Manson- The Fight Song
-vs. Lainer: Greenday- Walking Contradiction
-vs. Lance: George Clinton- Atomic Dog
-vs. Laner: Malice Mizer- Illuminati
-vs. Lysander: Tsunami Bomb- No Good Very Bad Day
-vs. Max: Kodansha OST- Season 2 opening
-vs. Oniko: Depeche Mode- People are People
-vs. Sailor M: Guitar Vader- Magical Girl
-vs. Sherlock: Beatles- Glass Onion
-vs. t.ogre: Black Sabbath- Iron Man
-vs. Viper: B'z- Move
If last member of a team: Pat Benatar- Invincible
On third round of a straight: Whitesnake- Here I Go Again
5th round: Europe- The Final Countdown

Character appearance: Neon green trench coat, slacks in a matching shade of green, dark blue sweater, and off white cowboy boots tucked into his pant legs. His blue hair is tied back into a ponytail. He holds his ever-present bright orange NERF foam bat in his left hand.

2p appearance: Bright red trench coat and pants, and a brown sweater. Lainer's hair is now sticking up almost super-sayajin like, and he wears a pair of black glasses with orange lenses.

Push START: Day-Glo orange trench coat with rolled up sleeves, ripped jeans, and a white T-shirt with the words: "Lainer says relax". His hair is now in a poofy mullet that is barely being restrained by a sweat headband.

Combat style: Punk Fu

Button style: Guilty Gear X2

Move list:

- special moves

The Toychest [hs+…]: Lainer reaches into his coat and pulls out an item depending which button is pressed afterwards.
Punch: 90% Lainer's NERF bat turns white (AKA the Foam Bat of Justice). The power of slash moves is increased by 10% for five seconds.
10% Lainer's Nerf bat turns into a metal pipe (AKA The Steel Pipe of Gratuitous Violence +7). The power of slash moves is increased by 35% for five seconds.
Slash: 40% A Max the Bunny plushie. After it is thrown by pressing punch or slash, it bites onto the opponent and deals 1% damage every second until shaken off.
40% Maurry the Evil Sock Puppet. Lainer gains a new throw [b+hs] in which he grabs the opponent's arm and twirls them above his head (regardless of their size). All the while Lainer is shouting," No Maurry! Stop it Maurry! You don't want to do that Maurry! Bad Maurry!" After a couple seconds Lainer lets go of them, tossing them forward. The sock puppet is used up after one throw, successful or not.
19% A voodoo plushie doll of the opponent. By pressing A Lainer will punch the doll and deal 1% damage to the opponent. This damage does not stun them. There is a 5% chance that Lainer will take out a doll of himself. Same rules apply, but his special is slightly increased with each hit.
1% The Magic Squall Ball. Lainer quickly puts it back away, but, for the rest of the round, all of Lainer's sound bites (including Jan Lee mode) will be replaced with "Whatever". This makes his supers, desperation and flash finisher far more deadly, as it cuts their start up time by three fourths.
Kick: 70% Lainer pulls out a Mario Brothers era Goomba and tosses it at the opponent while shouting "Touch of Death!" No block damage.
30% Lainer pulls out Gordo of Kirby fame and tosses it at the opponent while shouting "Touch of Death!" Minor block damage.
Dust: Lainer's hand appears in a portal behind the opponent and slowly reaches out to grab them. If it hits then Lainer pulls the opponent into the portal, out of his coat, and throws them. Pretty serious damage, but you'd have to be standing perfectly still for a full two seconds without blocking to be hit by it.
Heavy Slash: Nothing. Lainer just pulls his hand back out.

Old Skooling [qcb+p/d+p]: Lainer pulls a Light Zapper out of his coat and fires it. He will continue to shoot for as long as punch is tapped, up to a maximum of three times. In the qcb version he rolls back a few steps first.

Jan Lee Mode[b, b+s]: In Jan Lee mode, Lainer screams like (you guessed it) Jan Lee during all of his attacks. It doesn't make him any stronger or faster, or add anything to his special, but it is funny as hell ^_^.

Some Clever Name Other Than Double Trouble[hcf+(p or s)]: A bolt of purple electricity arcs over Lainer's coat as he splits into two Lainers. One of them dashes toward the opponent, the other hightails it for the edge of the screen. Once they both reach their destination, the fake Lainer (punch for the one near the opponent, slash for the one away from the opponent) will explode into a cloud of confetti.
Glitch vs. Lainer: If two Lainers use this move simultaneously, then the two bolts of electricity will reach out and touch each other. At the point where they connect, a black hole forms, and the background will be sucked into it. Both Lainers will face the screen and say, simultaneously, "Now, really, who didn't see that coming?" The background then fades back in and the fight resumes. If they do the move *again* in this round, then the same thing happens, but this time they point to each other and say," Don't you know better?" After a pause they face the screen and shout enthusiastically," No!"

Yet Another Move That, While Fitting, Is Not Named Double Trouble[b, b, f+s]: Lainer's coat quickly folds over his body and glows a pale white. After about half a second the coat resizes and changes, turning Lainer into an alternate colour version of his opponent. He can replicate any attack, specials and supers included, as well as taunts exactly. Well, as long as he doesn't get hit anyways. If he does then he will instantly turn back into Lainer. This move also slowly drains the super meter, and will return Lainer to normal if he runs out of super. (Hey, I needed at least *one* tribute move.)

Stomp[f+k] This move can only be used while an opponent is on the ground and if Lainer is close to them (How close? <Voodoo Lady> Veeeery close </Voodoo Lady>) Lainer jumps on the opponent, and then jumps off them. Hey, it's a stomp, these things aren't flashy.

- throws

Improbable Gun Physics 101[qcf+p]: Lainer grabs the opponent and tosses them on the ground. He then kneels on them, pulls out two Zappers, and unloads them into the opponent. This causes Lainer to fly up a la Yosemite Sam.

This is Why We Don't Talk About Politics [hcf+p(+d+hs)]: Lainer grabs the opponent and throws them into the side of the screen. They bounce off and lay on the ground. Lainer takes a Richard Nixon mask out of his coat, wears it, and flashes a double peace sign at the players. He grabs the other character and tosses them up into the sky. If the second part of the move is activated at the right time, then Karl Marx in a jet pack catches them and tosses them back into the ground. Otherwise they will just fall down on their own.

- super moves

Shinku Black Ops Contacts[hcb, f+s]: Lainer pulls out his cell phone and says, "I need guns." This is followed by a gun rack sliding into the opponent (if they don't block or jump over it). Lainer reaches into the rack, pulls out two chrome pistols , and proceeds to empty them at the opponent. Once they are out of ammo he drops them, reaches back into the rack, and pulls out a meter long shotgun with an ammo feed and more attachments then could be counted (This includes a rubber duck built into the handle. Don't ask, you will be happier not knowing.). He fires this four times before flipping a switch on the side and launching a rocket. After it hits (or passes off screen) the rack will slide back off screen and the discarded weapons will disappear.

Mo' Monkeys, Mo' Problems [hcbx2+p]: Lainer yells out "Yoohoo!" A golden banana shoots out of the ground beneath the opponent while a disembodied voice shouts "EXCALABANANA!" A giant gorilla then drops in from the top of the screen and grabs the opponent. It throws them into the ground, catches them as they rebound, throws them into the ground again, then jumps up and catches them in the air before piledriving them into the ground. If they aren't defeated by this attack then the monkey rolls off screen.

Try Again [b, hcf, b+s]: Lainer takes a quarter out of his jacket and tosses it off screen. He recovers 20% health. If by some freak chance the coin is in the air while Lainer is defeated then he will be revived with one hit point. And if he manages to *hit* someone with it, *they* will revive 20% of their health. So, um, don't hit anybody with it :)

-desperation

The Gang's All Here [qcb, hcf+p]: Lainer pulls out his cell phone and says," Hey guys, it's me. This is the last time, I swear." A white haired muscular man wearing baggy pants and a green tank top falls off the top of the screen and elbow drops the opponent. He then rolls to the side and pulls out a cigarette and magazine. Just as the opponent is starting to get back up a portal rips open in front of Lainer and a small green dragon leaps out of it, tackling the opponent. The reptile is followed by a seventeen-year-old girl with bright pink hair, an orange T-shirt, and red jeans. She points at the opponent, and a line of robotic hamsters (one of which is wearing a fuku) leap out and attack the opponent. The last one out jumps up and down on the again felled opponent while swearing in shorthand before following the girl and the other hamsters back into the portal. The instant she is back in the portal, a fifteen year old boy in a black school uniform steps out, a grey tabby close behind him. He mutters some unintelligible words for a moment, then points at the opponent as five energy balls form. They fly into the opponent, and he returns to the portal. Shortly thereafter a woman with stark white hair and a grey business suit steps out; a sawed off shotgun in one hand, an assault rifle in the other. She empties both point blank into the opponent. As she reenters the portal she drops a pink slip on their fallen body. The first character chooses that moment to throw away the magazine and tackle (and, if they are female, briefly fondle) the opponent before joining the others in the portal. Then, just as it's closing, two people that look very much like Cloud and Tifa stick their heads out of the portal. They both shout, "We quit!" before the Cloud look-a-like tosses his Buster Sword at the opponent. The portal closes, and the attack finally ends. No, really, it's over. I'm not kidding, it's done. You still there? Hey! Wake up!he hits.

-flash finisher

Obligatory Referance [qcfx2+hs]: Lainer does a short poke with his bat. If it hits, then he follows it up with an uppercut and proceedes to Lion Heart the living crap out of the opponent. When it finishes both of them fall back down to the ground and Lainer pulls a blue frisbee out of his coat. He throws it at the opponent's body and they de-rez while Lainer's coat flashes.

-team assist

Nintendo Vision: Lainer falls into the center of the screen and hands a can of beer to the opponent. If they don't touch Lainer at all for a half second then he'll shrug and leap off screen. If they *do* touch Lainer at all while he's handing out the beer then they will become stunned as the can is forcibly stuck into their hand. Lainer will then say in a loud speaking voice," Boy, I sure wish I had some SODA." From off screen a giant censor bar smashes into the still stunned opponent.

Openings:

- standard

On his stage: Lainer turns to the girl behind the desk and asks, "Any calls?" Without looking up from her magazine she answers him by way of a raised middle finger. "Well, tell me if we get anything." She gives him an okay symbol and returns to her reading.
Other stage: Lainer walks in from his side, looks at the background and says, "I like what you've done with the place. *Very* Art Deco. I'd suggest new drapes though." Note, he will do this on any stage, regardless if it is indoors or even *has* drapes.
Other stage alternate: Lainer's coat, and Lainer's coat alone, appears in a sudden flash of light. It drifts downward a bit before there is another flash of light and Lainer appears, now wearing the coat. He says, "Whoa, those re-spawn points are *brutal*!" and goes into his fighting stance.

- vs. specific characters

-vs. Ice: Lainer and Ice both walk onscreen at the same time. There is an awkward silence for a few seconds, which is broken when Lainer says," Hey." Ice coughs and replies, "Hey." "So... how you doing?" "Fine, I guess." "No bruises scratches small hairline fractures that could one day lead to your permanent dependence on a wheel chair?" "Ah, no." "Are you tired?" "Well I guess, a little." Lainer then begins to roll up his sleeves," Ah, well in that case, SLEEP!" he shouts while holding one hand over Ice's forehead. Ice fails to fall asleep. Lainer frowns and pulls a large blue bar with the letters "MP" written in the center out of his coat. He taps the end of it on the ground and frowns," I know I just recharged it this morning." Lainer tosses the bar up so that it sticks next to his health bar and then places his hand on Ice's forehead yet again. "SLEEEE-" his spell is cut short as the MP bar snaps off and falls on his head. Ice begins to reach down to help him up, thinks better of it, and kicks him in his side instead. Lainer slowly gets up on his own and the fight starts. Lainer has taken a substantial amount of damage.

-vs. DHP: Lainer pulls a gigantic sword out of his coat and slashes DHP with it. It just barely touches his head before rebounding off harmlessly. Lainer blinks and looks at the sword. "Oh, *Dagon* slayer." He tosses the sword off screen and the fight starts. However, if Krinn is on either team, then tentacles will come out of Lainer's side of the screen at the end of the intro. The sword hits them and drives them back off screen.

-vs. Oniko: Lainer adjusts his collar and goes into his fighting stance. Oniko doesn't do anything for a second.

Oniko: That's it?
Lainer <shrugging>: What did you expect?
Oniko: ...
Lainer: Oh, well, since I always get hurt so badly in these opening I'd be better off without one.
Oniko: Huh. Less work for me anyways. But we still need something here; we're supposed to be the secondary rivalry in the game.
Lainer: Really? Seems like the opening's long enough already. It's been nearly three minutes.
Oniko: No it ha-

Oniko is cut off as two ten year old girls (dressed as Rami Nanahikari and Linear Cannon) jump onscreen and clothesline him before dashing off.

Oniko: Traitors! Surrounded by traitors!

Oniko starts the round missing a little health, and Lainer starts with slightly increased special.

-vs. Kaophyre: Lainer and Kao have their backs to each other as they chat it up with their teammates. They simultaneously turn to each other and shout "YOU!" Lainer dashes off his side of the screen while Kao follows him in close pursuit. Lainer then dashes across the screen while Kao chases him with a chainsaw. He then runs across in the opposite direction while Kao chases him with a giant broadsword. He repeats this again while Kao fires at him with a BFG. Finally Lainer runs out without a crazed stalker. He looks around to make sure it's safe, then pulls a paint bucket and brush from his coat and painting a large red "X" on the ground. He takes a few steps to the side, and then looks up at the again charging Kao and shouts "Stop!" Kao skits to a stop on top of the X. Lainer continues, "I have something very important to tell you." He is then crushed by a sixteen-ton weight. From beneath the weight he grumbles, "Never trust the metric system." The weight blinks into oblivion and Lainer has taken a substantial amount of damage.

-vs. Lance[on Lance's stage]: Lance does his standard opening, but stop speaking when he realizes that no one's there. A few seconds pass, and then the dirt on one of the graves begins to move. Slowly, a zombified Lainer pulls himself out of the grave, and in the typical zombie fashion, he lethargically stumbles toward Lance while moaning," BRAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSSS" Lance decapitates him. Fade out. Fade in, Lainer has taken a little damage but is back to normal.

-vs. Lance[on Lance's stage, hold A]: Lainer's opening is the same as above, except for when he gets out of the grave. After he stands up, he shrugs twice, looks to his right, and then starts dancing a la Michael Jackson in Thriller. Lance decapitates him even faster this time. Same damage dealt to Lainer.

-vs. Lance: After Lance says "It's your funeral." Lainer looks up and is squashed by a coffin. The coffin then opens, and Lainer stands up with his arms crossed over his chest and a set of very fake vampire teeth in his mouth. He shouts out," BLUUUUUUWD!" and then begins the match as normal.

-vs. Krinn: Krinn does his normal portal opening, but Lainer's half of the screen is empty except for a dryer on the spin cycle. After Krinn finishes the dryer stops and Lainer steps out of it. Krinn stifles a laugh. "Sure, you're laughing now," Lainer says as he reaches into his coat," But *I* have your left sock!" Lainer holds out the offending piece of laundry. Just then a horse sticks its head out of the dryer and eats the sock. Lainer blinks and the dryer rolls off screen of its own accord.

-vs. Brandt: Lainer pulls out a remote control and clicks it at Brandt. He twitches before Thief comes in control and shouts," What the fuck do you think-" Lainer clicks it again, "Oh my, I-" *click* "-do know where you-" *click* " -shouldn't be doing that. It's rather upsetting to-" *click* "-Chulhu help me, you'll never walk again-" *click* "-for the low low price of-" Lainer sweatdrops and tosses the remote behind him. Brandt, back to normal, shakes his head and mumbles," Huh?"

-vs. Robbie: Lainer and Robert both walk out at the same time, look at each other, and say, simultaneously, "So..." A pause, and then again at the same time, "Yea..." Another, longer pause, and yet again at the same time, "Whatever." The two then pull out their respective ranged weapons (Robert and his G-Con 2, Lainer and his Light Zapper) and fire without aiming. They hit each other's guns and cause them to fly out of each other's hands and off screen. And yet again they speak simultaneously, "Oh-kaaaayyy..." The fight then begins, and both of their gun weapon moves are disabled.

-vs. Searcher: Lainer walks onscreen leading a black labrador. Once he gets into stance the dog leaps into the background and begins to dig into the ground. "Hey," Lainer says while pointing," He found it!" Searcher arches an eyebrow. "The thing you're looking for," Lainer explains. Searcher twitches, and Lainer starts with increased special.

-vs. eonsinger: eon is standing around when Lainer, in a giant brown bunny costume, walks out. He points at eon and says, " Twenty eight days, seven hours, fourteen minutes, and thirty two seconds." eon sighs, "Oh, not again..." Lainer continues to point at eon, "I can show you the way." "Look it's been done! Can we get *on* with this?" Lainer jumps through the costume's belly with an explosion of confetti and firecrackers. "Ha! Didn't know it was me, did you?" Lainer gloats, "Had you going huh? Huh?" eon just shakes his head.

-vs. Cosmos: Lainer waves and says," So, do you have that book?" Cosmos raises an eyebrow and asks," What book?" Lainer shrugs," I dunno, whatcha got?" Cosmos fumes, and Lainer's special goes up big time.

-vs. Dragomoph: Lainer walks onscreen and, once he sees Dragomorph, grunts angrily. He then stamps over to her and shoves a letter into her paws. As he walks back to his position he mumbles, "Damned moggles never putting correct postage on anything.." Dragomorph looks very confused, and puts the letter away before the fight starts.

-vs. S.D. Ryukage: Lainer double takes, then gets out a note book and runs over to SD, "Hey! Chihaya! Can I get your autograph?" SD looks at Lainer with a look of utter bewilderment," Dude... Chihaya was a guy." Lainer blinks once, twice, three times, and then starts bawling," NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO NO NOOOOO!" He then stops, tosses away the note book, and says," Damn..."

-vs. Viper: Lainer raises a finger at Viper and is about to say something when a bolt of electricity arcs off his arm. He looks at the arm as another bolt of electricity leaps off... and the screen goes black. When it comes back, the background is replaced by a brownish alien landscape. Lainer and Viper are both standing in a shallow pool, and a doglike creature wanders between them before eating a small patch of grass. Lainer face palms," Oh not *again*" The screen goes black again, and comes back on a large room with a giant laser in the center that is busy blowing itself up. Viper looks up at Lainer and says," So this happens a lot?" "You have no idea." The screen goes black again and returns to four alien creatures sitting around a table in a bright spotlight. They are playing poker. "I always did wonder," Viper says before the screen blacks out again. It comes back to the normal screen, but Viper is holding a cone of green cotton candy, and a t-shirt that reads: 'I went to the alien dimension and all I got was this stupid t-shirt' replaces Lainer's sweater "I threw up four times on the Alien-Tilt-a-Whirl! Awesome!" Viper shouts while tossing away the cotton candy. Lainer kicks the ground and says, "I won seventy four bucks on Alien Fortunes, but lost them all on Alien Bingo..." Both sigh, and go into their fighting stances.

-vs. Sailor M: Lainer walks in, and then turns his back on Sailor M. The camera zooms in on his face, which from this point on never moves on camera. A text bubble pops up next to his face reading, "We can't meet like this any more." Scene switches to Sailor M's silhouette, and a shiny tear is halfway down her left cheek, "Will I ever see you again?" Scene switches to a close-up of Lainer's face in an expression of extreme anger. That or he's really constipated. By now the background has become a deadly bright rainbow of pastels. Another text bubble pops up, "No, you must go alone! Do you have the power?!" Scene switches to Sailor M's upper body; both of her hands are clasped over her chest, "No master, where can I get this power?" Scene switches to Lainer posing dramatically in front of a caricature of mount Fuji, with Sailor M's upper body visible underneath his left arm. Yet another text bubble appears," Out there, in the vast world. You must find your destiny!" Sailor M gets stars in her eyes and starts to respond, but then stops and frowns," Um... who are you?" A text bubble pops up next to Lainer, but all that appears in it is "...". The scene then switches to an SD Lainer on a white background. He shrugs. The screen goes back to normal and the match *finally* starts.

-vs. black dub: Lainer walks out as normal, but suddenly points to the other side of the screen and shouts ," Oh My God! It's NARC!" dub spins around and looks as if his life's flashing before his eyes. If this is on dub's stage then the eight figures in the background make a mad dash for the other side of the alley. After black dub realizes no one's coming, he turns back to Lainer none too pleased. "Oh, my bad. Must have just been two guys in spandex," Lainer admits, shrugs, and goes into his fighting stance. His special meter is yet again increased by an insane amount.

-vs. Max [hold A]: Lainer fumbles around in his coat and then looks up and asks Max, " Hey Max..." "Yes Sam, I mean Lainer?" He responds. Lainer goes back to searching through his coat, "You know those sculptures of Rei that Gainax sells?" Max's left eye audibly twitches. "You know, the cat girl and maid uniform ones?" Max starts to grind a fist into his palm, "If I ever find the bastard that made those sacrilegious affronts to-" "Well I'm the guy that designed them." Max stops suddenly and very slowly looks up at Lainer's face, "Yeah, I needed some money for a red crystal Dreamcast, and I saw this wanted ad that Gainax put in the paper, and the rest was history." Max still has not moved at all. Lainer finally pulls a laptop out of his coat and opens it, "So I just made some new designs and wanted to see what you thought of them." Max gets a huge anime vein in his forehead, then screams while pointing at Lainer, "HERETIC!" Max leaps at Lainer and they start scuffling in a dust cloud, Looney-Tunes style. Their Rei and Max the Bunny plushies fly out of the mess, gain sentience, get up, blink, look at each other, and then prance hand-in-hand off the stage. Max and Lainer pause their fighting, sweatdrop, then take their stances, sans plushies. No damage to either character, but for the rest of that round any move/taunt involving a plushie will result in the character reaching for it, coming away empty, and face palming.

-vs. Kesh: A hole opens in the floor, and a wooden pulpit rises up out of the floor, carrying Lainer with it. He opens up the book resting on top of the pulpit and recites, "In the beginning God created the pants and the pants. The pants were without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the pants; and the Spirit of God was moving over the face of the pants. And God said, 'Let there be pants.' And there was pants. Amen" He closes the book, gets into his fighting stance, and lets the pulpit retract back into the ground.

-vs. Zandar: Lainer walks in on the stage, and Zandar has yet to appear. He gets a wicked grin on his face (Not a Kim Kaphwan grin mind you, Kimmy never grins evilly.(Post KOF 2k1 amendment) Or at least, not this evilly.) and begins rummaging through his coat. After a second of searching, he pulls out a 2x4 and a hammer. Lainer then sets to nailing the bar into the screen (Just be glad there's no fourth wall to fall on him in here) so that it sticks out a just about 6 feet above the ground. After he finishes he returns to his starting area. A second later Zandar walks on screen and, predictably, bonks his head against the 2x4. Lainer haw-haws and Zandar pulls down the board. Lainer starts with a slight boost to his special and Zandar starts with a little damage.

-vs. Zandar[on Zandar's stage]: Lainer searches through his coat and pulls out a remote control. He then points it at the large screen in the background and flips through several random channels, including, but not limited to, Judge Judy, Japanese game shows featuring cows, Garfield, The Home Shopping Network's Magical Items Clearance Show, Real World: Hyrule, German game shows featuring being naked, and Jesus and Pals. After changing the channel several times, he turns to Zandar, shrugs, and says," 57 channels and there's nothing on."

-vs. Alair: Alair walks on screen, looks at Lainer, and asks," All right, what do you-" but is cut off as Lainer holds out a hand and shouts," Wait! Just a second!" He rummages around his pockets for a moment before taking out a black orb and says," Okay, you may continue." "As I was saying, what do you want?" Lainer shakes the orb, looks at it, and responds, "..." Alair taps her foot a couple times before growing impatient, "Well?" Lainer shakes the orb again and responds, "...whatever." "What kind of response is that?" "...whatever." "You are really trying my nerves you know that?" "..." "Hey! Can't you stop looking into that Magic 8-Ball and give me a straight answer?" Lainer then looks up from the orb and says, "Magic 8-ball? This is a Magic Squall Ball." Alair sweatdrops and Lainer starts with a slight boost to his special.

-vs. David: Lainer points a Zapper at David, then suddenly ducks. David doesn't quite get the hint, and is knocked on his ass when a flock of ducks (staying in flight with a paltry two frames of animation) plow into him. David stands up, dusts himself off, and starts battle with a small amount of damage.

-vs. Jake: Lainer sees Jake and says, "Oh no! A magic user! I should junction something to my magic defense!" He opens up his jacket and looks at one of the inside flaps. The bottom third of the screen changes into a standard RPG status screen that cycles through different pages of information. While it cycles Lainer continues to look at the inside of his coat and say random things (ex: "When did I pick up 99 Bird Slayers?" "Cool, I didn't know I had Techns!" "I wonder if I can get that shade of blue I like?"). The other player gains movement the instant that Lainer opens his coat, and Lainer's player can end it by pressing any button. Otherwise, Lainer will continue on with the intro until the end of the round.

-vs. Brian: Brian raises an eyebrow and says, in his usual Vader voice, "The force is strong in this one." Lainer gets a giant Kim Kaphwan like grin on his face (#91, the "Oh, you are *so* dead" grin), pulls out his cell phone, and hits the autodial. A second later a small spaceship with "LUCASFILM INC." emblazoned on its side lands in the center of the arena. From the back of the ship a thin man in a business suit steps out, straightens his tie, and hands Brain a slip of paper. Brain reads it as the ship flies off, then shouts," Aw FUCK!" If at any time Brian says another star wars quote, or any star wars music plays, the ship will fly overhead again and drop a stack of papers in the center of the screen.

-vs. Kenneth: Lainer is already onscreen when Kenneth walks on, but he is preoccupied with opening a pokeball. K walks over to him and says," Can I help you with that?" Lainer tosses it to her, saying," Be my guest." He taps the button like object on the pokeball's middle, and it opens easily. From inside the ball a bolt of energy pops out that forms into a tall Scyther. The Scyther narrows its eyes at K before shouting a battle cry and slicing him into many, bloody pieces. After the pokemon is finished it flies off, leaving Kenneth little more than gory pile. Lainer takes a bottle of Zima out of his coat, pours it out on the ground, and then motions to the next character from K's team to come out. Before they can, however, the many pieces of Kenneth begin growing, and in the space of a few seconds He is completely reformed. The only problem is that *all* of his pieces have fully reformed, and there are now several dozen Kenneths, half of them female. They simultaneously face fault. "So *that's* where Oniko gets all his ninjas from," Lainer comments as all the Kenneths save one dash off screen.

-vs. Lainer: The two Lainers look at each other for a few moments. Then one of them pops open a cell phone while the other begins searching through his coat. The one with the cell taps his foot impatiently before speaking into it," Yes, I'm reporting a problem with the Mark-5 Personal Reality Wardrobe. Yes I'll hold." The other Lainer then stops looking through his coat and says," Didn't you steal the coat?" The cell Lainer shrugs," So?...frel!" and throws the cell phone out a window, "Phew... thanks." The other Lainer copies the now cell-less Lainer's shrug," Yea, whatever."

-vs. Lysander: Lainer walks onscreen in a black trenchcoat, black pants, black shirt, and black sunglasses. He stands still for a moment, and then says in a bad german accent "I'm back." Lysander shakes his head, "This isn't going to work. No one's going to be able to tell us apart." Lainer remains motionless, then snaps his finger. Lysander is surrounded by a cheap flash effect and, when it's gone, his clothes are now the same color as Lainer's 1p outfit. "No! This doesn't work at all!" He again protests. Lainer again remains steadfast before snapping his fingers. This time Lysander is wearing a long brown robe. He take a bottle with questionable contents and a key ring out of his pockets and offers them to Lainer, "Potions? Keys? Half price for favored customers." Lainer waves his hands and the entire screen is filled with smoke. It clears and both characters are in their normal costumes.

-with Robbie and Cosmos: From off screen comes the sound of helicopter rotors. Shortly afterwards a flaming chopper flies over the top of the screen and Lainer and Robbie, dressed in camouflage gear and headbands and, in Robbie's case, black sunglasses leap out of it. They do the jumping white guy high five and Robbie runs offstage while Lainer tosses off his fatigues, revealing his normal costume. Cosmos, wearing skimpier fatigues and covered in soot, runs in from the direction of the helicopter, punches Lainer, and dashes off screen again.

Taunts:

[Respect] Pulls a fortune cat figure out of his jacket and points it at the camera while shouting," It's Awww-Thentic!"

Glitch: If Lainer if fighting against Lance, and he did his opening against Lance for stages other then Lance's, then he will say "It's Awww-Thit! My founge!" and spit out his fake vampire teeth with a glob of blood. All other speech in this round will be slurred as well.

[Taunt, 1p] Lainer starts to readjust his hair a la Leona, but as soon as it is untied it pops up into a giant afro. Lainer sweatdrops and quickly ties it back down.

[Taunt, 2p] Lainer gives a victory sign to the screen while shouting "The world is made of-" followed by a random phrase (Ex: "Sonic and Tails!" "Tits and Ass!" "Golden Brown!" ect)

[Taunt, START] Lainer pulls out and attempts to solve a Rubix Cube. This taunt will continue until any other button is pressed, because no man can solve the mystery of the Rubix Cube.


Quotes:

- poses

The text "Wow!! You Died!!" appears at the top of the screen, while Lainer nods and says," It's *damn* true."

Lainer clasps his hands together and says, in a very high pitched and disturbingly cute voice, "Oh, did I win?"

Lainer spins a turtle shell on his index finger and head butts it into the fallen opponent. They fly off screen.

[vs. Max, alternate intro] The Max and Rei plushies walk back onscreen, followed by several smaller plushies. Half of them are blue Maxs, the others are Reis with little bunny ears coming out of their heads. Lainer stares wide eyed at them for a second before taking out a Light Zapper, sticking it in his mouth, and repeatedly pulling the trigger.

[vs. Brian] Lainer walks off screen, then walks back on pulling what looks like a coat rack with a blue curtain covering it. Lainer then pulls the curtain open, revealing a short fat guy with a goatee and a tall skinny blond guy crouched over a computer console. He then shouts," I *knew* it!"

[vs. Lainer]: The winning Lainer helps the other one up and says," Hey, you want to go out for a strawberry soda or something?" The other Lainer shrugs, "Sure why not?" Both Lainers begin to walk off screen, but the losing Lainer suddenly explodes into a cloud of confetti. The remaining Lainer blinks, shrugs, and says," Well, that takes care of that problem."

[vs. Lysander]: Lysander's body is again surrounded by a cheap flash effect and he transforms into a propeller powered aircraft. Lainer smashes a bottle of champagne on it and gives a thumbs up to the camera.

[Old Skooling] A bright orange dog walks on screen, points at the opponent, and snickers.

[MMMP] The gorilla tosses a barrel at Lainer. Lainer shoots it with his zapper, causing it to explode and leave behind a little white "100" that floats up to the top of the screen.

[YAMTWFINNDT] "I Think I'm a Clone now" plays in the background as Lainer rapidly switches between several random characters in their victory poses.

[The Gang's All Here] Lainer is silent for a moment before saying, "I have *got* to get new friends."

[Three round perfect straight] Lainer pulls a beach chair and a boom box out of his coat. He sits on the chair and goes to sleep as The Who - The End starts up. After that random set of animations will play depending on who is on Lainer's team (For example, if Max was on Lainer's team, then the Max and Rei plushies will walk out with a folding table and eat dinner. If Brian was on Lainer's team, then the spider monkeys from Monkey Island 2 will come out and dance to the song. If Dragomorph was on Lainer's team then two moogles will come out and perform a juggling act. Weird stuff like that) Once the song ends Lainer wakes up and the screen whites out like it was supposed to. Yes, that's right, the *entire* song. All ELEVEN MINUTES of it. Suffice to say, this is more then enough reason to kick Lainer's ass.

- general

"Of course you didn't beat me! I'm betterized!"

" See, it's not whether you win or lose, it's whether *I* win or lose."

" SPAM!"

" Continue? 9... 8... 7... aw screw it, I'm going home."

" Ph33r, ph0r3 4|\/| L33T L3IK J3FF |<!"

[vs. Max] "I don't know. Do you think the red or the blue panties match the tentacle in this one?"

[vs. Oniko] "You're not even the right KIND of crazy fucker. You're a cheap Taiwanese knock-off cra- wait, haven't I heard this before?"

[vs. Team Unplugged] "You've got the beat. Beat *down* that is."

- loss to time

Looks up angrily at the timer and then throws a Max the Bunny plushie at it. A moment after it hits, the 2p lifebar begins to shake. Just as the screen begins to black out the bar snaps and swings down to hit Lainer and the other character. On the black screen Lainer can be heard shouting "MEDIC!"

- draw

Opens up a DOS prompt and spends a second looking at it before shouting," Hey! You've been using a Game Shark!"

Lainer's health bar slides off screen while Lainer runs after it, shouting, "Get back here!"

=== Miscellaneous Character Info ===

So... this is where you expected me to spill the beans about Lainer's tantric past huh? Well tough, he doesn't have one. Lainer (a fact that he does not like to disclose with anyone) is originally from the Sailor Moon Manga universe (this explains why, even without the Coat, he still has minor reality warping powers. Lainer lived in a world governed by common sense, not logic). After he got zapped into Dream City he took up temping, which is how he came across his infamous coat (It was a prototype from dataDyne that he's just borrowing, honestly. ) By utilising the powers of his coat he soon rose to the top of the economical food chain and, within mere months, all of Dream City cowered benieth his feet.

Well, that's not exactly true.

What *did* happen was that the apartment building he was living in was completely emptied of any living inhabitants one fine night. Such are the risks of living in Dream City's fourth borough. Since no one has yet come to claim the building Lainer decided to renovate the building into a temp agency. Unfortuantly it didn't quite pan out as he would have liked, as his current employees total all of two (himself included). The other is Nex Karma, a mildly psychopathic scientist/thief who was hired as a secretary for the weekends but just started showing up every day.