what if living in this world didnt mean much to you anymore?
what if everybody that you cared about was gone, only left with those who you just dont seem to get along?
what if the ones that were left in your life that still make you smile arent even enough..to keep you here alive?

what's to do when you lost your faith in everything and even if the things you enjoy came to you..you still wouldnt enjoy?

what if you realized the things you had..but still that wasnt enough?

what if you are ready to leave this world but still scared of whats to find on the other side?

have you ever felt so much desperation that even living seems like such a curse?

what if the only person you ever had that made you live through everything was taken away from you...?

what would you do if you had nothing left in your soul to want to live anymore?

i know people can say..oh enjoy life..and be grateful with what you had..but what if you still felt sadness in your heart even if you were to have a million dollars handed to you..

id more than likley give it all away...

should you just wait a couple of more years and see if anything comes along that make syou happier..even though many years have past since you lost that person that meant so much to you and still you have held on..but life only seems to get worse and you feel like you are destined to take your own life ..because of the misery that piles up each and every day?

do you think that if there was a god and he still didnt help you out during your time of needs that he would forgive you for the anger and the pain you have had....would he forgive you if you took your own life?....

what if you found the person you longed for that filled up your empty heart..but then you realize that things could never be..would you still pretend ?...

why does life have to feel like such a curse..

it seems like one in a million people could relate to what i feel..

we all experiance pain..but theres a certain type of pain that goes deeper into your soul that lives inside of you and only the everyday problems that we all have make it worse..along with other problems that seem to linger on..

Be happy if you are married and have kids..be happy if you are able to go out and have fun..dont waste away your life... be thankful for being able to walk among the crowds without peoples ugly stares..be happy to fall in love and be able to be intimate with someone special..

be happy..those of you who are able to endure everyday problems and still have a smiling day..

be happy those of you that are healthy and dont have to go to the doctors office constanly..

but for those who can relate to what i feel.. I'm sorry.. life isnt so kind is it? whats the purpose to have ever been born if you arent meant to be a part of the everyday world..and all you do is stand alone..in your darkened room and feel sorrow day after day...still trying to move along..each and every passing day that seems so long...

filled with misery..misery that never seems to go away...

when you smile..things seems to brighten up..but later it begins to rain all over again..

people say im a beautiful and different soul..but what does it matter when even they wont stick around long enough to even have a lasting relationship..

what if sex didnt matter anymore..what if money didnt matter anymore..what if life didnt matter anymore..

only thing i would like to have is a purpose and that something that once used to fill my soul..

but now i am empty, sad, and cold..left alone to decay in my own turmoil..

this is the way god lets his children suffer?

and out of the agony and anger..we still get punished for our sins that we all cosider normal living?

death seems like the only escape..but maybe it will just hurt..just as bad as when i was alive..still suffering..still the pain will seap into my eyes.

does this all make sense?
will these feelings ever go away?
can you relate to the words that i say?
could you help it go away?

What if..... I felt any of those things, I would want a major life change, I would indulge myslef in everything I find pleasureable, I would look to the future and look to change it for the better. Death is the end, life is all we ever have.

dear n,
your questions and feelings touch the deepest core of my heart. i went through all you're going through now. (and still nowadays, the feeling seems to take hold of me now and again), but something has made me start feeling life less painful.... probably the medication (antidepressants mixed with pills for nervious tension i've been on for years now), plus the ones i take for my chronic migraine.... i don't know...
5 years ago i was seriously thinking about ceasing to exist, i didn't know how, i was (am) too coward to attempt against my own live.... but i stopped eating and let my body decay..... until violeta appeared in my life (i know this may sound silly and nonsensical, violeta is one of my kitties). she saved my life. and then, two years later i fell in love with most amazing man on earth, who was (and is) the total opposite of me. A NIN fan who, paradoxically enough, never gets depressed, and helped me out of my misery. he's the man i've shared the last 4 years of my life with and to whom i'm most than thankful. i let him know this (and my kitties) every single day. every day i thank them (in my own way). of course, this doesn't mean that i'm a happy person or became an optimistic girl. but i just see things in a different light. or, probably, every time i start falling i've got someone by my side who doesn't let me......
::hugs::

i think what you wrote is really beautiful. i read an interview a long long time ago with stephen jenkins, the guy in third eye blind. he was talking about the song God of Wine. he was talking about depression and alcoholism and said this weird thing about how some people are so sensitive that they can actually feel the universe collapsing in on itself. that no matter what they do, they can never be truly happy. that there's always an underlying sadness that never goes away. it was far fetched but it made perfect sense to me at the time. i wish i could find it. and i think he meant "feeling the universe collapsing in on itself" in a figurative way, like the futily of life.

i read something that helps me when i feel really bad. i don't know who wrote it or if it's even true, but here it is...
there are 2 main causes of depression. one is when the person we are doesn't measure up to the person we think we should be (which is something we can control) and the other is the human condition (which we can't control).

yeah, I have. no, it isn't fun. I have years of journals dedicated to this line of thinking.

but I'm cursed with the desire to know what's next. I can't help you, but I can tell you you are not that much alone, unless you make yourself that alone. You sacrifice yourself to this idea of victimhood. Take a stand. You the only one who can do this. You live with you every day, and every second. Either change what you don't like, or get some help. Fast.

And be aware that seeking death is usually one of two things: a need for dramatic change in your life or you may need treatment that you yourself cannot give you - suicide (real suicide) is hard to achieve. I watched my mom go through year after year of attempts... Finally, she managed a successful attempt, with two days of torture in the hospital before she died. The lack of a survival instinct is not something you can just "will away"...

If you think meds are so bad, just keep in mind, medicating yourself with your own concoction probably isn't any better an alternative...

NOTHING left but faith

I'm so happy because today I found my friends
and in my head im so ugly
that's ok because so are you
broken is sunday morning
so is everyday for all I care
but i'm not scared, light my candles
in a daze because i found god

where is he??

does anyone here miss him?

yes.

i do too!!!

well nothing...
it's good to hear from you again -
even under the circumstances.

a crisis of faith is indeed a crisis.

if god has a master plan
then only she understands

yes, i do
i also miss myrobsession....

filth...i think thid post is from last year...daria just posted on it and brought it to the front page...

actually.........................

Anon

i miss these guys too. where are myrob? and where'd steph go? aka, smiling downward??

smiling stef left...but i still talk to her...and she is doing good...

has anyone heard from fal-fax, or robstwin???

Hmmmmmmm....

And CA gathers life forms once again....

Glad to see everybody!

??? fire ???

we welcome new names and miss the past.

MARCO?

??anon??

...polo

Everything you've described is experienced by many, many people who suffer from a disease, called depression. Please seek professional help from a doctor or a psychiatrist who can help you. Don't let this kill you. People die from depression a lot, but it can and does get better. Good luck to you.

Dear,
I am grant to Headsonfire, He or She are possession reasons to say.
The minds-problem are that the body gets sick with its.
& anyone could understand where the borderline of reasonable its a limit.
I'll desire my words to be legible & in senses, I wish its.
Stefania.

P.S. Sorry x my language errors.
Courage, let's take an "helpfully". May I use helpfully, exists?
In contrary cases I am sorry again.

I am out of the worst phase of depression I ever had. I didn't use pills but I'm sure working out helped. I have no idea how I got in but I'm sure it was everything happening at once that made me shut down. And I got out by taking time for myself. I absorbed it and it controlled me. But then pretty soon I decided I wanted to feel something again. And it was like walking out of a long dark tunnel with a light behind me~not in front of me. So I just kept moving forward in my mind refusing to go back to the worst part of it. I just tried to feel something everyday. Even if it was just for one minute. And then I just kind of cheered up. Slowly but surely...

Ride out your depression..."professionals" will only give you drugs...the best therapy is finding others who share your pain...

Hi Midnight,

I am still here. Just a lurker now though :D.