Rowan’s “foul mood” mood, as Soran termed it, began to disappear as soon as his student started undressing. He watched him with a slight smile on his face, his mood now lightening with each article of clothing the boy tossed aside. It ought to have shamed him, that he could be so easily distracted, but it didn’t. He was a lover, a hedonist even, a regular sex aficionado! And that’s supposed to make me a bad person, he mused.
Well, yes and no. He could see Eremis’s point, but then, it wasn’t the kid’s point he’d been so disagreeable about. He sighed—partly because Soran had now covered himself with a blanket, but partly also because he really was distressed again.
“I suppose we can save the ravishing for later,” he said, taking a seat beside him. Soran looked rather surprised, and it suddenly dawned on him that they rarely sat and had actual, real discussions together.
He smiled ruefully. “Don’t look so shocked. Besides, I only say no to sex when I’m almost positive I can get it later.” He winked. “And this shouldn’t take long.”
Now, now, he chided himself, enough with the teasing already. Five minutes of serious, heart-to-heart conversation with someone he cared deeply about wasn’t going to kill him. He took a deep breath, then slowly let it out again. Soran was watching him expectantly, patiently waiting.
“I’m not mad at you,” he said, thinking it best that he ease the boy’s worry first. “It was something Eremis said that upset me. He took it upon himself, and quite bluntly, I might add, to suggest I leave you alone, romantically speaking, though I seriously doubt he thinks me capable of such a thing as romance.”
He sighed again. “He seems convinced that I’m merely using you. And I have done that before, I mean, used someone, but only for a little while, and only because I was a bit lonely, you know how it can get sometimes.” On second thought, probably not the best thing to say to a former prostitute, but oh well. “Anyway, I guess it made me wonder if that’s what I’m doing right now, using you, that is.”
He frowned and ran his fingers absently through his hair. That sounded bad, enough to make him feel guilty. But then as soon as he DID say it, he realized it wasn’t true, and that was a huge relief to him for some reason.
“I don’t think I am,” he admitted. “But even if I were, it wouldn’t be out of selfishness. I’ve taken a liking to you, Soran, and it’s more than just the sex. I can get sex any time I want it; it’s not really even an important part of my life anymore, if it ever was.”
That thought made him uncomfortable; he licked his lips and felt a bit thrown off his game all of a sudden. “Er, well, what I mean is, I want something from you, but it might not have as much to do with sex as someone like Eremis probably thinks it does. It might be that I’ll hurt you in the process of trying to get what I’m after, and it might be that I’ll hurt myself.”
He hesitated, then added, “Okay, so that probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it’s the best way I can think to put it. Anyway, that’s the long and short of it.” Finally, he smiled again, a hint of his old teasing grin, only much more tentative than usual. “Now, can we move on to the ravishing part, or do you like hearing me make an ass of myself like this?”
~*~*~*~*~
Cas fidgeted restlessly beside Eremis, a fleeting smile coming to his face when the healer spoke about their rooftop conversations. Hard to believe that those were the good old days now. Hell, if he’d have thought being with Eremis AFTER the drugs would be so raking hard, he might not have complained so damn much about them at the time.
He shook his head slightly when his lover mentioned what had happened between him and Rowan. “People don’t usually like hearing the truth,” he muttered. He scratched at the base of one of his horns, still trying to gather his thoughts. But he just wasn’t the broody type, so maybe he’d best just open up his mouth already and give it a go.
“It’s something Soran said about you,” he began, then quickly shook his head when he saw the scowl pass over Eremis’s face. “It ain’t like that. I brought it up. He didn’t say nothing bad about you, just sorta pointed something out to me. He made me realize that I never really got to know the real you, ya know?”
“I mean, think about it.” He turned sideways to face his lover, unconsciously putting an arm around his waist and pulling him closer. “I met you when you was already…when you were already pretty down and out. I just saw this helpless, pretty innocent, but really kinda cool guy that I wanted to help. It was more than just feeling sorry for you; I mean, I did LIKE you. And you was way cute, too,” he added, his grammar slipping along with his grin.
He sobered again and continued. “But basically what I’m saying is that I was more focused on the helping you part, and not so much on the getting to know you part. And then, like, I kissed you that one time…and then I kinda started kissing you a lot, whenever I got the chance, and then I sorta started falling in love with you…”
He smiled sheepishly and shrugged. “Remy, it’s just crazy, ‘cause we really don’t have shit in common. I mean, either way, one of us is gonna be pissed off for a long, long time. If you let me do what I want, you won’t have no peace, not ever, and if I go on and be a homebody with you and get a proper job, I won’t be at all happy, not truly.” He sighed.
“So that’s where Soran sorta came in. He said I oughta try to get to know you better. I guess I see now that rushing off on this stupid mission wasn’t the best way to do that, but we’re here now and it’s no use backing out of it.”
He was starting to feel that weird tight feeling in his throat again, so he decided to finish up real quick before it got worse. “The thing is, Remy, I don’t wanna leave you, I just don’t, not for anything. But even though I know I won’t, I mean….well, I just don’t know if it’s the right thing. You know, whether or not we’d both really be happier in the end going our separate ways and living the lives we want to live.”
