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responses to my post waaaaaay down below about my marriage and my perimenopause

May 4 2012 at 3:19 PM
juliemam  (Login juliemam)
*HFP Mommies*

original post:

first an update on my impending menopause. My dr had put me on prometrium for 14 days and said if an AF showed up 4-5 days later, then I am producing my own estrogen. If not, well, I guess that's it. So here I am 10 days post last day of prometrium. No AF. I see the dr next Friday to see what he has to say.
I don't actually mind not having af anymore. Now that I am not ttc, I am glad to be rid of her BUT menopause has it's own little gifts, doesn't it. Like gout, yes, gout. My father is prone to gout (despite almost never drinking and most gout inducing foods aren't really in his diet besides meat) so I guess I am in for it now.
I have a sore big toe. For the past few days I've been trying to stay hydrated and doing a couple of "remedies" and have returned to being vegetarian. Although this time for health reasons so it's harder to stay vegetarian.

btw, it's called perimenopause until it's been a year of no menses, then I have the honour to call myself menopausal. (gotta put a positive spin on it somehow. When I say "honour" doesn't it make it sound regal??)

All is good at home in regards to my marriage. ...well so far. I have yet to figure out how to get my husband back into our bed; we put up a bunk bed for the kids who must share a room and DS doesn't like sleeping on top and DD has declared she hates her bed with the bunk on top. So she's in bed with me and DH goes to bed in the kids room.
So we just have to dismantle the bunkbed, put the beds back to what they were and train DD to sleep in her bed again. Bribing is really effective here, we just have to DO it.

thank you all for your support and kind words. Hope you don't mind this group reply. You would not believe how often I have come on to reply and got lost in the new posts and ate up my time that way.
One day, I'd like to meet you all in person. We can have a playgroup holiday. happy.gif wouldn't that be nice? Somewhere hot and beachy with drinks that have little umbrellas.

Victoria: always feel free to speak your mind with me. happy.gif I know what you'll say though wink.gif I don't honestly know what changed his mind and I wonder if he can even put it into words himself. I know the turning point arrived when he got a lump sum and was in a position to secure an apartment. He said that he thought that with money in hand the confusing feelings would go away and he'd be able to do this but when it didn't go away and just felt more painful, he realized he just couldn't leave.
Now, if it was me, I'd be talking this to death but men are different. SOME men are different. wink.gif

Adee, thank you. I hope to not get separated again happy.gif but for some, life's ups and downs are dealt with in a dramatic way and opposites attract. (can you hear me sighing?) but I swear, if he pulls this on me again, that is it.

MM, you said it. We have been good friends for a long time. I think we both lost track of who we were before kids. This midlife crisis of his is so text book, it's eerie. I am the more patient one in this relationship which is why I never gave up and go elsewhere. I have learned a lot from this and I hope he has too. I hope our relationship is stronger now but time will tell.

Cy, I hear you about taking someone back after he's done. and boy, let me tell you that I soul searched on this. I think I know what I want better than he does. Men can be such babies. I am done taking things for granted. It'll be a hard job building my trust in him but I am halfway there otherwise why stay in the relationship. I see the man he used to be and he was simply in a bad spot for a while, lured into fantasy world by a woman who has no empathy and is more self centred than he. They both got what they wanted out of it and it's very satisfying for me to know that he broke her heart.

Keiki's makuahine, thanks happy.gif oh, hey, you remind me that I haven't felt a hotflash in a while. Must be the progesterone. My memory is getting worse too but I don't care because I forget that it's bad. LOL

Kat, happy.gif I do feel stronger. Especially with a plan b in place where he just can't affect me like this ever again. I can live without him, I just don't want to. I am just glad the kids never really knew how close to leaving he was. Heck, he's got furniture stacked up in his studio from friends who moved out of town recently. All he needed was an apartment. I even split up our stemware and put aside some backing dishes we had too many of. I am actually glad to have decluttered that much LOL

Newbie, thanks happy.gif My time away was really good. hard to be away from my two but good overall.

Gail, thank you! You made me blush.

Ellen, thank you, you might be right. Part of what triggered his distance was not feeling like he belonged in our house. and among his friends (his female friends--platonic, THEY don't go for married men or rather, didn't pursue him as she did but then she was my friend too and acted on private info I shared with her--can you tell I still have quite the rage for her?? lol), they tend to be friends who need him. For emotional support and for drives here and there. I played a part in his wandering but then, I trusted him. I don't regret trusting him; I did nothing wrong. He now feels he can't have female friends. I didn't correct him, it's something he needs to decide for himself. If he can't honour me when he is in their presence (as in flirting with them, overly much) then, yeah, he can't have female friends. and he needs to grow up. If he can't grow up, then he'll decide he needs out of this relationship again. If this is the case then I predict it'll be in 6months or so.
He had a journey to go through and I just hope we've seen the last of that journey.

omissy, yes, I agree with you. It's tricky when you've known someone for 25yrs. The dynamics are different then a new relationship and comfortable silences are supposed to be that: comfortable. I think women tend to be more romantic and while I would remember fondly about our first years together, he forgot them and got swept away by a new love. I am not sure what I feel on that at this time. I feel anger and sadness and often I feel detached from it. But I don't want to be one of those who have been betrayed, who still harp on it 10 yrs later. He does need to learn how to how me he appreciates me. a friend said " words are just words. Actions are heard loud and clear". He's taken me for granted for too long. He knows that now. He was caught up in a very self centred phase. I just hope I have seen the last of that phase.

Renata, did you hear me roar?? lol I told my husband that we promised to love and cherish for better or for worse and the worse part didn't mean "out of bread so we have to eat cereal".

Tara, happy.gif thank you. I hope I have the pleasure to meet you in person some day. You nailed it. I feel the same way, that people go through stuff in their lives and well, being connected to someone, you tend to get pulled along their journey. I sure do wish he hadn't betrayed me but since I can't change the past... happy.gif Must be zen about this and carry on (what's that new hip saying? From WW2? Keep Calm and Carry On. Those Brits sure know their humour. LOL) I thought of you often during the weeks I was coming to terms with being a single mom, you were an inspiration. and I just knew I'd be able to come here and lean on you happy.gif (like how the heck do you get dinner made when your DD wants to play outside??)-- I really want to read your dissertation. When it gets published, let me know, ok?? What are the letters that follow your name now? (I am so geeky. snort snort)

Pink! thank you. I never knew about that dating rule. Good to know wink.gif heh. Guys. Men. bah! already I have my girlfriends and I in the same retirement home because we just know we'll outlive the men and we'll just love having each other for company. lol

Alex, thank you. happy.gif wise words indeed. The one thing I've learned through this is that, oh my, my guy is a typical man. and the more I google midlife crisis, the more I marvel at why we don't ALL go through it at one time or another and then I think: well, we do. It's just that some are more severe than others. Perhaps is related to how easily we stay in denial. DH lives his life focused on his stuff and immediate life. While I ponder whatever crosses my mind (how I love to google stuff while I watch tv)--we are such opposites which used to be good and we have to remember why it was a good thing. happy.gif marriage is work but it's good work. most of the time happy.gif


me:43, DH 44
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.

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