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Really reaching a low point

May 20 2012 at 9:17 PM
GailCT  (Login GailCT)
*HFP Mommies*

I always envisioned parenting would be busy but rewarding and fun, boy am I disappointed. I hope i don't offend anyone here or cause anyone to think less of me because I need to be honest somewhere. And honestly, I can see why a mother sometimes leaves, believe me the thought has crossed my mind lately. I have never been this stressed, unhappy, and so overwhelmed in my life, this is even worse then going through IF. I feel like I don't even know who I am anymore, I am so lost right now. I just feel so trapped at the moment. All four of my kids have been difficult lately. I took them to a college baseball game alone on friday night and thought it would be fun to get out and do something, we went with another family from my DS's baseball team and I was so embarrassed by how my kids behaved, they were spastic, wouldn't sit still and wouldn't listen to me. I actually melted down on the drive home and just cried and cried right in front of them and decided I am the worse parent ever and I am doing something so wrong. I keep thinking of a saying that a dog trainer said to me many many years ago..there is no such thing as a bad dog, just a bad owner. I am failing as a parent, I just never thought I would fail at something so important to me. I feel like a single parent, DH works late almost every night except on the day I work a long day and he picks the kids up at after school. RIght now his mom is in the hospital and he has been down there every day and night that he can be. So I don't want to vent on him, I don't want him to feel bad for being there for his parents, they need him. But I don't have any help, no family, no one to just give me a break. What frustrates me is that my kids are getting older now, I don't understand why it isn't getting easier. My youngest turns 7 this week, 7....no babies here, I really thought it would be less demanding and stressful, but it isn't. I feel like they don't appreciate anything, how do you instill that in them? They certainly don't appreciate me, and I feel like my DH doesn't either. We always had such a good marriage, but I feel over the past year or so that has started to decline as well. This is going to sound so selfish but the thought has crossed my mind that if we got divorced he would have to take the kids every other weekend and I would get a break, am I not the most horrible person in the world right now. I always feel conflicted about working, it seems that all the special occasions at school fall on the two days I work so I miss things, I can't just reschedule my patients all the time. I love my job but I feel like it is an inconvenience lately, I don't have time to be there and I am so distracted with what I have to do at home and phone calls that need to be made. But the flip side is that it is the only thing that I have that gives me confidence and positive feedback, and I feel important there. When we go to gatherings so many people will ask me how I do it all, and honestly I have been doing it all but I am at a breaking point right now. Now I can understand why my mom was losing it at one point and she had MS on top of it, how the heck did SHE do it, I admire her more and more every day. I found a therapist and I am calling tomorrow, I obviously need to talk to someone.

 
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