Your kindness, compassion, and especially your clarity continually impress and amaze me. I'm so sorry, and I'm thinking of you and your dm. I think that even when we have challenging parents, we dread losing them. I know this has been a fear of mine since I was at least 4 or 5.
The compassionate care you've shown to your mother, despite the difficulties, will be very comforting. I don't know if you remember, but my df died in 2006, 6 years and 1 month after a catastrophic stroke. We had a very difficult relationship, and he had abused me when I was a child. I clearly remember sitting in his hospital room while he slept one day and wondering why I was so willing to be with him, in spite of the previous abuse. But it turned out to be a healing time for me. My younger sister was never as forthright as I was in confronting him or pushing back, and because of living 3k miles away, she also couldn't spend as much time with him after the stroke. She has had a much harder time coming to terms with their relationship than I have.
I'm so glad that you have a supportive employer who is in a position to help your mother. What a blessing that is.
This is a milestone we all have to pass, and you're doing the very best anybody could hope to do. You aren't alone, though. I do hope you feel the love up close and over the miles. And don't be afraid to tell dh exactly what you need, since he might not intuit it.
Keiki's Makuahine (Keiki's Mom) 51, dh 52
Keiki: b. 2002 after 3 months bedrest
Natural conception following ZIFT/chem. pg
Olivia: b. 1999 d. 1999
28-week preemie, ptl cause unknown
Natural conception after 1 mc
ttc since 1998