OT - Fertility, menopause and more

Hi all: It's EE from long ago. I used to visit these boards daily and thrived on the support I received here, but am now only a sporadic visitor. So, I understand if regulars don't have time to reply but want you all to know how much I value knowing this board is always here!

After sharing so much of my TTC, pregnancy, deliveries and early parenting experiences with this board, I guess it's no surprise that I am turning here again with the latest life journey. After having kids at 41 and 44, I am 49 and entering menopause. What a strange juxtaposition! Just a few years ago, I was struggling to conceive and then--so lucky!--I was pregnant and battling morning sickness.

Until this month, I was very regular but definitely noticing signs of perimenopause (spotting before periods, insomnia the week before flow, etc). This month, for the first time since pregnancy, I am 1 week+ late and have hot flashes in a big way. They only come at night, but oh my! I literally heat like a furnace, become covered in sweat for 3-5 minutes, then acute chills.

Sorry if TMI but I find the whole thing fascinating, powerful and a little sad. Much like during pregnancy, I am awed at what my body does utterly without my control. I am uncomfortable often, but curious to see what comes next. I am eager to see if I can do this naturally, without HRT, but quick to realize I may need help.

Half of me is relieved and ready to be DONE with birth control and the monthly irritation of menstruating. The other half is oddly sad at this significant life passage, mournful for the loss of youth and--this will sound so strange--mournful for the loss of that monthly rhythm that has been my companion since I was 12 years old.

Not sure what I want to say other than that the mix of emotions has me in a reflective mood. If anyone has thoughts, experiences or wisdom to share, please do. Thanks, as always, for the support,honestly and wisdom.