I've had yet another painful episode with the mother of my teen sitter. I posted in April about the situation.
Essentially, my teen sitter seems intent on taking my preschooler and baby over see her mother who repeatedly snubs me despite falling all over herself to befriend me during DH's sickness and passage. (For the record, I've never been invite over to their home once in seven years.)
In early June, I was forced to say something when it happened again, and the teen's mother seemed somewhat responsive. (As I was leaving to head to a work event, I heard teen telling DS1 that she was going to take him and his baby brother to her house for a picnic with her mother. That's when I spoke up and asked if the teen took any other children to her house to see her mother -- or just mine. I also mentioned that I had not seen her mother in ages and I would roll out the red carpet anytime she wanted to stop over, and I mentioned that her mother did not have to just see my children at her house. (I said several times that if she wants to see my children, she should come by and see all of us.)
To my shock, the neighbor mom came over just before I returned home from my work event. The short visit essentially went OK, but I also picked up on some undercurrents of vibes, glances and a few rolled eyes.
Well, I had variation of all of this in late June with the father. This time, I was running late to leave on a Friday evening when the doorbell range. I saw an attractive young woman who introduced herself as one of the dad's older daughters. She, then, explained that she and her fiance were visiting for the evening and her dad was doing some remodeling while the mom and teen were away. She went on to say that her dad wanted to return a piece of furniture he borrowed nearly two years ago because her fiance (and possibly other guys) was/were there to help.
I was sort of stunned and fumbled my way through the conversation as it also felt awkward and embarrassing to be discussing my late husband's chair with a virtual stranger. I also was quite hurt that teen's father couldn't take two minutes and walk 25 to 50 feet to talk to me about the chair. In any event. I fumbled my way through the conversation and responded that I would have to clean up that half of the living and room and put a bunch of the baby gear and toys into the attic. to make room for the chair.
Fast forward, I had yet another episode last night.
This time, I asked teen to come with me to a nearby park, so I could get the boys out of the house while I tried to get some work done. (It's a massive park a few miles away, and one with two playgrounds that are a considerable distance apart, possibly a half-mile or so.)
In the car, teen tells me she is going to take the boys on a long walk to the other playground on Y Street. Immediately, I wonder if she is doing this as a ploy for her mother to see the boys without seeing me, and, immediately, I tell myself I am being paranoid. Well, I wasnt simply being paranoid.
After an hour or so, teen returns to the B Street shelter, and I think, OK, this was a pleasant evening, and this worked out OK. Then, shortly after, I hear teen tell DS1, Look who is here? Go down and say hello to (her mother). To my horror, the mom, dad and their dog are standing about 50 feet away. Teen grabs the baby and takes him to see her mother, who makes a huge fuss over him and his birthday. I also heard the mom clearly say, We thought we were going to see you on the other side! She possibly said that more than once.
I was sitting there so dumbfounded, so shook up, so stunned and so hurt that I said nothing, poured myself into my laptop and repeatedly shook my head. After a while, the mom and dad left. I was so upset that I could not speak much the rest of the evening and nearly burst into tears. Of course, they did not acknowledge me, and I did not acknowledge them. (If they see me in our suburgan hood, they turn and sprint into their house as fast as possible. If they accidentally run into me, the vibes are troubled and tense.)
So, I am looking for input and/or suggestions, especially as teen is suppose to help with preschooler's birthday party this weekend and travel with me to a work event in August.
Obviously, there was a plan for the teen to meet her mom (conveniently!) at the Y Street playground some half-mile or so from my whereabouts at the B Street playground. If teen wasnt so extremely close to my preschooler and vice verse, I would be very inclined to cut her off.
Having said the above, I hope I did not come across as rude or as unappreciative of their birthday gifts the teen brought from the family to the baby on Sunday or of teens service in general. That was not my intention. But, I was very upset at many levels. It's just that the overall avoidance and dislike vibes seem loud and strong, and the many patterns are quite hurtful.
Unfortunately, preschooler loves teen and is very close with her, and teen sitters are hard to find, let alone affordable ones. Plus, the preschooler has experienced a lot of loss in his young life.
Thanks in advance for any input. I am thinking of finally, essentially, confronting the mother. But, at least a partial apology may be necessary from my part as the teen brought a family gift on Sunday to the baby's birthday dinner. (My previous post includes some of the history.)