my DH went through this before he met meJuly 16 2012 at 10:52 PM
|Antonialisa (Login Antonialisa)|
Response to when should we tell the kids about separating?
This is my first time posting on this Board, I usually post on over 40 and DE board, but I hope you don't mind me jumping into this thread. I feel compelled to weigh in.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is so rotten.
My DH went through exactly your situation with his ex some years back. After leaving him for another man and coming back, she left him for good even though they had 2 tiny children together - twin 3 year olds! And they had been together since high school. She is still with that man.
My DH was crushed but he did bounce back. It took him a long time to really get over her since their lives were so intertwined for a long time. Dh and I met 4 years ago, moved into together 3 years ago, got married 2 years ago. His girls were 5 when I met them; they are about to turn 9. He calls me his soul mate, and thinks I'm a wonderful mom for his girls (better than his ex) and says the girls are lucky to have me. We have a great life together (apart from the IF), and go on lots of trips.
The girls have turned out beautifuly and are not traumatized. They have 2 families. No bad words are ever exchanged about anybody - everyone is very respectful. The girls speak freely in our house about folks in the other house and vice versa. I don't think it would occur to them that there might be any bad feelings. My DH is a prince!
The ex still feels a lot of loss and guilt over breaking up a family, I believe. She has paid a big price.
One reason I`m posting is that if you are feeling overwhelmed, I might be able to provide you with a bit of life experience on what to consider when you are contemplating custody arrangements, child support, spousal support etc. I am a lawyer in Ontario (though not a famiy lawyer) so the situation with DH and his ex follows Ontario law (you are in Ontario if I am not mistaken). For example, child support here is almost always prescribed by a formula now depending on one or both of your incomes (the child support guidelines - google them).
I really don't advise that you give up your precious weekends with the children. You don't need to make any hasty decisions, but it would be great to get into a bit of a rhythmn that would generally work for all. What we notice is that it is hard on the kids to have the schedule changed all the time.
Please don't hesitate to email me at antonialisa.felice at gmail.com if you think I can be helpful.
I'm very hopeful for you. I think that once you sort things out, you will find great happiness again.