K, the boy next door who for years was DS's best best buddy, turned 8 today. His mother told DH a couple of weeks ago that K was having a small birthday party, only 3 kids invited. (Meaning DS was not going to be invited.) Fine -- he's 2 years older than DS, of course he wants his big boy friends. DS heard this and it didn't seem to bother him.
So today K is outside playing with DS and he tells him who is coming to his party: a friend from class, the brother and sister across the street (10 and 11 years old)...and R, the kindergartener 2 doors down with whom DS is also good friends; the 3 of them often play together.
DS told me this when he came inside and didn't seem upset. But then tonight in bed he started crying and asking why K invited R but not him.
I know it's the kid's party so it's his choice whom to invite. But I also know this kid well enough to know he told DS whom he invited in order to taunt him. K & R's friendship is on the newer side and there's still some ganging up on and excluding DS going on in the neighborhood. The 10 and 11 year old brother and sister are in on it too, as is K, who always makes sure he is in with the "in" crowd and will dump DS in a second to play with one of the older kids. (I will say that the start of kindergarten--riding on the bus together--seems to have helped improve the situation; it's not nearly so bad as it was earlier in the year.)
It's hard to see your little one's feelings hurt. And how do you explain that friendships change and that, for instance, your best buddy has become best buddies with someone else. I really don't think I provided him with the right words, though I told him of a hurtful situation that happened to me when I was young and he was interested in hearing about that. So I hope that took his mind off his sadness.
I feel so bad for your little guy. We have all gone through this but it just seems so much harder when your child does. I think you handled it in a good way by explaining it happens to everyone, so there's nothing wrong with him. I'm so not looking forward to those days which will sadly come of course.
K needs to learn empathy and learn manners. his mother needs to get a clue.
this also has happened to my boy with the immediate neighbours (4' between homes so really hard to miss a party held in the yard). they had invited the other neighbour kids but not mine so when i realized there was a party and spotted the other kids, i quickly packed us up for a day out. but then ds was much younger and nobody rubbed it in. since then, the neighbours have had parties and if ds isn't included, it's obvious a school-chum party and easier to understand from his point point of view.
Since that first party, I've asked the neighbour to tell me when the party will be so that I can get DS away for the day. This comes up in casual conversation and isn't awkward at all, as unbelievable as that sounds. It's generally the older child's party we want to avoid hearing/seeing since she tends to have have only school-friend parties which is totally understandable, she is about 4yrs older BUT plays really well with the street friends so it can also be confusing for DS that she is having a party and not invite her street friends.
I think you handled it very well, telling him of your experience is really valuable and helped him feel less lonely too i bet.
if he feels the need to talk more about it, you can sympathize with him and say something like: yes, that hurt your feelings and K shouldn't have talked to you about who was coming to his party but we all make mistakes and lets try not to make the one K did. and we have to try to forgive him just like we hope people will forgive us if we make a mistake.
This came in handy when it was time to make up the party list for DS' party, remembering how he felt left out helped him make hard decisions.
Parties are tricky. Trickier than I'd ever imagined they'd be.
sigh. I know exactly how your inner mother-bear is feeling so I'm sending you a BIG hug.
julie
me:40, DH 41
FSH 26
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03 (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007 (after just under 3 years of ttc)
DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
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Just be sure that he knows that it's not about him. It's about what a sh*t (you pick your better word) the other boy is being. Be sure he knows that it's the brilliant minds of the world that get teased and bullied.
that your ds's feelings were hurt. Of course they were. It seems that K has a long history of baiting him and then "loving" him, and that intermittent reinforcement of friendship has got to be very tricky emotionally. Maybe something that can be said to dh is that this is more about K than it is about your ds? That K, for whatever reason, is in a place in his life where sometimes being ds's friend and sometimes not is what's working for him, even as it hurts ds. That's all you can really know anyway, isn't it? Why he's doing it is anyone's guess, is I guess what I'm saying. It's tricky, isn't it, trying to figure that out without demonizing K, who may well be a nasty little guy but just as well may be an insecure lad in search of his own identity, and with the kind of emotional immaturity that ends up hurting his friends. I will say that since becoming a mom I feel I've seen plenty of instances of casual hurting of others. Many times kids do and say things that they'd probably rather not have, and if they had the space and psychological maturity to reflect on what they'd done they'd end up feeling as if they should have behaved otherwise. And it's our role to help them along there to that better, more socially conscious, place. But since you're your ds's mother and not K's, you have to deal with the fallout, which isn't fun! Still and all, I think that you can model to your ds what you think is the preferred way of being by talking about K's behavior in the hopes that ds's takeaway is positive for him. Does this make sense? And this all comes after your very normal feelings of mama bear-ness for ds. I'd be so steamed, too. The cruelty of these remarks! I guess I'm just saying that K may not realize this is cruel; he may simply not be able to understand that at this point in his development, and he needs more help at home in understanding it.
That would break my heart to see too. As you said I could see if they were all his age and that is why your DS wasn't invited but clearly with a kindergartener invited that is not what is going on. Do you ever speak to the mom? Shame on her for allowing this. I would find the right way yo say something, maybe just ask her if there is a problem with her child and your DS. Anyone who allows their child to invite the other kids in the neighborhood and leave one out is a pitiful person who is not doing their child any favors. We have one neighbor and have had similiar issues, what I did was have play dates scheduled for my DS and when the kid came over I politely would ask him to leave since DS had a friend over from school, ya know two can play that game. It seemed doing that gave my DS some confidence and learned that he didn't need the boy next door, he does have other friends who treat him well. Also I tried really hard to use the situation as a life lesson for my DS about true friends and the meaning of them and who in his life are his true friends and also how to never treat others this way because he knows it hurts. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I posted a few hours ago and don't know what happened to it so I'll try to re-write!
DS didn't mention the party at all today, probably helped by the fact that K and his family were out all day long (out of sight, out of mind!)
I do try to get DS playdates with kids from outside the immediate neighborhood; now that he's in kindergarten and has made some friends that is easier. (He doesn't have any problems with kids in class, thank goodness.) But it's difficult to just ignore the neighbor kids since we have a block where the children really do come out and play every day that is is not raining, and they run from yard to yard (our yards are small). They are constantly in our front yard, playing on the tree or with the boys' stuff that we leave out. I keep a sharp eye out and if I see they're not treating DS right I'll bring him in. Luckily, as I've pointed out, the start of school has somehow changed the atmosphere and these things happen much less often.
I don't think that K is really a mean boy; instead he's still young in many ways, a bit immature, and like several of the kids on the block he can be bit tricky to gauge, depending on his moods. He and DS ride home together on the school bus and are always chatting when they get off. But DS has become wary of him, knowing that he might turn. I guess it offers a lesson to be learned about how we treat one another.
K's mother is friendly with me and in the past when we've pointed out one thing or another that happened between the boys she has taken action (unlike another mother who blames DS anytime the kids are ragging on him). I don't think I'll speak to her about this though because it's not as immediately distressing as some of the other things that have happened. I'm sure with regard to the party she said to him that he could invite X number of friends and let him choose, without trying to engineer the list (me, I would have done it differently given the social scene of the block, but that's a different mothering style.) Just kind of a bummer that DS's feelings were so hurt when K let him know he wasn't on the list, and that it clearly wasn't a matter of a big boy party, but rather those K now considers his best friends.
It really hurts to see your child's feelings being hurt, especially when it's deliberate like that. I've seen my own children lording things over one another (and I can't stand it...it drives me absolutely crazy), and I hope to God that they don't do that to other kids at school, though I suppose they might. It's related to power, I guess, and that suddenly they have a little bit more of it than they typically do, and it makes them a little mean. I try to remind them of the golden rule when I see this behavior, but, of course, in your situation the offending child isn't your own, so I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to say something to him or not.
Oh this is heartbreaking ... as you say, your child no longer seems to be in the preferred crowd and that must sting. Oh I don't know what to say, it seems that you are OK with the friend (generally) and his mum seems open. I felt so bad for your son when reading this, knowing that these kinds of situations are common ....
V
Just wanted to say I am so sad for your DS too. It's heartbreaking and I agree with Gail, the mom should have intervened.
I had a similar situation with DS this summer but ours had a happy outcome. My DD is very tight friends with a girl from preschool. The girl has an older brother who is a sweetie and has played with DS on numerous occasions. I was planning a playdate at the park this summer with the mom of those kids and she told me she could only do Sunday, because Saturday was R's swimming birthday party. My DS overheard this conversation and later asked me why he wasn't invited to R's party - he was so hurt. I told him that it was just older boys and that I was sorry too. The mom later called me and said that she would like to invite DS AND DD, because she realized how tactless she was. It ended up being a blast, even though DS did not end up playing lots with R at the party as he was swimming and diving with the big kids and at the time my guys were not such safe swimmers yet. I think if you are good friends with this lady, it would be good to mention to her how hurtful this was for DS and for their friendship. - It's just so hard we can't always protect our kids from such hurtful situations.
Just feels so young to be feeling these feelings and learning these lessons...I'm sure you are doing as good a job as any mother could in helping him work through it. Growing old may not be easy, but neither is being young!
I think it was very wise of you to share a story of your own. Sadly, I think we can all think back to stories like this when we were kids. I think you were right in saying to him that friendships can change, and sometimes we don't know why.
Very tough. I hope your little guy can make some better friends soon; the fact that they are neighbors is even worse. Too bad his mother didn't tell him how much it would hurt his neighbor friend.
I don't think I handle that kind of rejection well even now! Poor kid. I think the other kid's mom should step up. That stinks. So hard to see your little one hurting like that. But I guess it's a life lesson, since it probably won't be the last time.
Julie
diagnosed high FSH Feb 06
But conceived naturally Sep 07
in hindsight, life seems so much simplier back when we were worrying about how many oz our babies were drinking/diaper rash/sleep patterns....at least the number of variables to juggle in the equation were more in our control. social relationships are sooooooo hard when we cannot protect our kids emotionally. in my opinion, this is the hardest part about kids growing up (DS is almost 7yo)...and I know it is only going to get worse...(and I hear with girls it is MUCH worse)...sigh, sigh.
Shame on the mom for not stepping in! In our neighborhood, I am grateful that my DS is friends with the other boys; but nobody would EVER have a party without inviting the neighborhood same age kids! Especially since they play together sometimes!
That just stinks, it's wrong for a child to have to deal with this at such a young age!
