well, looks like the storm is over (for now, I guess. Don't want to hope too hard in case the midlife crisis isn't quite done giving yet)
Sometime last week DH and I had a good talk. I also emailed him some points to consider and just when I came to terms with, yes, I would be fine-dandy without his love and help for the rest of my days, he comes around.
He still hasn't "friended" me on FB (I unfriended him, better this way than change marital status and create an upheaval among our friends--very few people know about this struggle we've been having) and told him that he can "friend" me when he decides to be my husband again. I was fairly mad at that point. heh.
He seems more at peace right now. More comfortable at home and with me too.
I hope that he and I can reconnect with the couple we were before kids entered our lives and life got so hectic and so stressful with making a living.
When I googled midlife crisis, it listed everything he's going through. everything. Even down to the typical triggers.
I hope that from here on out, he can feel better in his skin and life choices and me too.
Thank you all for your loving support and carrying me through this dark time. This place is a refuge for me.
hormonally, I am steadily marching towards menopause. My moods swing up and down so much that I am beginning to question my sanity LOL. Today is day 14 and the last day of prometrium, to bring on AF. The dr I saw said that if it triggers an AF, then I am producing my own estrogen. I see the Dr again in 2 weeks and I'll see what my blood tests told him. My last blood test on this had my estrogen really low and my fsh in the 70s. But that was with my GP. This Dr is specialized in this (his clinic is for midlife and pms--he's also a fert Dr, a friend saw him years ago)
That prometrium, wow. It really knocks me out. It's the pearls, by mouth, two in the evening. He told me to take it right before bed because it'll cause drowsiness and he wasn't kidding. I am sleeping better and I almost want him to give me more so I can finally get decent sleep at night LOL
btw, this cycle is long, I am on day 80? close to it anyways. He had done an u/s (14 days ago) and saw a lining and two follicles. Felt weird hearing about those follies.
me:43, DH 44
DS: born by c-sec Apr15'03, 9lbs5oz 41wks gest. (after 4 years of ttc, starting in 1998)
DD born by c-sec Oct 13 2007, 8lbs13oz 39wk gest. (after just under 3 years of ttc)
~~DS was conceived naturally the cycle following a cancelled DE IVF, using my good friend's eggs. She was on the verge of hyperstimming.
~~DD's nat conception I attribute to using OPKs like a crazy nut, eating grapefruit daily and using preseed. also 5 cycles of TCM ending 2 cycles before that lucky cycle.
How do you feel about him deciding to come back ? You said that just as you were fine and dandy without him, he comes back. We're friends right ... so I can say what's on my mind ... it seems one-sided. I am glad glad glad that he is seeing some sense, I am just worried about you should he decide that, no actually this is not what I wants. Perhaps he saw something in the emails, something that woke him up to the twit he has been ?
Sheesh, 80 days ..... I am not quite there yet so a bit behind on current remedies etc. It sounds as if you will have some good answers though in a couple of weeks as to where your body is hormonally and future treatments (for your own well being). I imagine that must have been SO weird hearing about follicles - did it make you nostalgic for babies !!
though I kind of agree that Victoria brings up a good point. I hope this really is what you both want, as you have been best friends for so long (despite what your relationship on FB declares) and you just both seem so good together. And perhaps this will be the start of something new and better, rather than a return to what was?
I'm glad to hear that things are getting back on track (m)
April 24 2012, 3:40 PM
for you. I hope this is merely the acting out of a midlife crisis and that you'll be able to weather the storm as long as this is what you want. I'd have a hard time taking someone back who acted like that, but only you know what is best for your situation.
I agree with the others, esp. Victoria, MM and Cy, but you are a smart and strong woman, and I am confident that you are turning, or will turn, this turn of events into a positive chapter of your marriage/life. Whatever the outcome, you now know that you are stronger and more resilient than you realized, and that's a priceless life lesson not just for you, but for your kids.
My best to all of you--for many more better days ahead!!
I have to tell you how impressed I am with how you have handled this and what a lucky man your DH is. I hope he realizes that not all women would be nearly as patient as you have been through all this, you have a such a big heart and you must love him beyond words because I am not sure I would have stuck it out. I am relieved for you and love hearing your sense of calmness and happiness. Really thrilled for you and your family.
OMG - I totally know this man....I married him too!
What attracted him to you in the first place was the challenge - someone aloof perhaps to his existence - unaware of his initial overtures? The first words I ever said to my DH were..."Why don't you kiss my a$$?" Apparently those five words were like a branding iron on his heart! In 25 years of our relationship - I have learned that tears and pining after him are not as effective as ignoring a conflict and moving forward as if his actions carry no weight.
During a conflict, there is an initial shockwave and a void - a desperation that our world has been knocked askew...we will cry out and give off the signals of our own needs for things to remain the same - a state of being that is in complete opposition to what attracted that man in the first place. He was never attracted to someone with needs....he was attracted to someone who had NO needs.
"...and just when I came to terms with, yes, I would be fine-dandy without his love and help for the rest of my days, he comes around."
The unbiased translation of the outsider who has been there too - "...and just when you restored yourself as a vital and strong woman aloof to his whims and antics, you became desirable again as a challenge!"
You are on a hot wire my dear...it's a delicate dance of cat and mouse - wanting to throw yourself after your heart but remaining just a hint out of reach...enough to maintain his interest.
Isn't love grand? I am glad for the reconciliation - and while I do not wish to borrow trouble, I offer my thoughts as something to hold on the back burner as you may need it in your future arsenal.
dx'd high fsh at age 30
ttc 6 years
5 failed clomid cycles
2 failed IVF cycles
#3 IVF/ICSI worked out fine
FET 2 years later didn't work out
Proud mom of an amazing miracle boy.
This message has been edited by Ellen_A on Apr 25, 2012 9:49 AM This message has been edited by Ellen_A on Apr 25, 2012 9:22 AM
The very same phrase also caught my eye: "...and just when I came to terms with, yes, I would be fine-dandy without his love and help for the rest of my days, he comes around." And I thought the same thing as Ellen -- now that he sees you are fine without him, you present a challenge!!
Ellen, you did it again -- zeroed right in to the heart of the matter and illuminated the key points. I know I've said this before on this forum (and if I haven't, I've thought it many a time) -- but you should write an advice column. You're smart, insightful, and a fabulous writer!
I mean who wants to play games after 25 years? ... but I agree with a lot of what Ellen has to say. I met my dh 25 years ago next month.... by pretty much telling him to go away. We have never really had any major challenges in our relationship, but I know it can happen to any couple at any time. So, I try to keep him on his toes all the time.
I don't want to make light of your struggles with your DH because nothing is as simple as just playing hard to get. However, there is a lot to be said for letting a man know that they need to be grateful to have you. I remind my dh often and although I always (almost) feel more lucky to have him, he believes me. Every spouse has to feel like they have to earn their way or, imho, it can't work. Any relationship that depends on one person giving more than the other is unfulfilling for both.
I'm VERY happy to hear that dh is finding some way to get back where he belongs and sooooo glad you have a chance to put your family past this awful time. You deserve to have happiness.
... this is what happened to my lovely SIL. Once she "got over" DH, and it took a while, she became empowered and he wanted her back. By then she really was over it ... after all the years she had moved on because she had to.
JM, hugs to you, this must be so very hard .... we're with you all the way ... V x
I'm so glad you got to this place, J, and no matter how this plays out in the long run (Men are a PIA a great deal of the time and marriage is HARD), you are becoming stronger and stronger and more and more resilient. Proud of you.
Can I say I called it, can I, can I?! Or, at least that I hoped it, hoped it, hoped it. You are just too great for him to walk away from!
I hope you two can use this to find a reconnection, a really deep and wonderful one. People go through a lot of sh*t in a lifetime and, I guess when you're married, you get dragged through their stuff. But, on the other end of it, if they can learn from it and the two of you can grow together, well, isn't that what real life, real messy growth is?
I'm sure the struggles and hard times aren't over but I'm glad he is still in the game so that there is at least a game to play.
Yes, I agree with the others to take care of yourself. You can and would survive and thrive without him. That's for sure. And that is a fabulous, in fact the best, place from which to rebuild with him!
me:smc (single mom by choice)
Dd: Conceived when I was 42 after 2 years ttc. Conceived on 6th IVF cycle after 2 bfn's and 3 m/cs.
Thanks for the update; I am glad to hear DH has come around. I do agree with the other ladies' comments about how the "less" you need him the "more" he wants you ... this just seem to be a pretty typical pattern (and honestly nothing about you or even maybe him, just about how the human mind seems to work). Anyway I've been wanting to set aside some time to write a "real" reply but haven't found a quiet moment so thought I'd just quickly say I'm glad things seem to be going better and I hope you'll remember always to take good care of yourself as you navigate whatever lies ahead.