A Modest Proposal to Solve the Immigration Problem
It is a melancholy object that within our prosperous country exists a subversive Spanish-speaking element of illegal immigrants with no intention to better American society, but who only hope to earn enough money, through their illegitimate occupations, to feed themselves, their wives, and their prodigious offspring, as well as their wretched aunts, uncles, grandparents, and brothers-in-law. I think it is agreed by all parties that whoever would propose a viable solution to this insufferable situation should deserve to have his face mounted upon a postage stamp and his likeness inscribed onto the northern face of the Washington Monument.
After years of thought spent pondering a practical solution to this problem, I have lighted upon the design to relieve Americans of the problems of illegal immigration and to improve the lives of our unfortunate Hispanic brothers. This solution, simply put, is to annex Mexico.
This solution would completely eliminate illegal immigration, providing a much-needed reprieve for those in Congress fretting their way towards a viable solution. This plan would also please the illegal immigrants themselves, who would be relieved of their predicament. America would no longer have to worry about policing the border, by which a great deal of money and manpower can be more resourcefully spent.
Regarding the United States’ new southern border, several options are open to the architects of this pioneering project. The simplest solution is to make the border the natural southeastern border of Mexico, but while rearranging territorial influence, it might be prudent to annex Guatemala and Belize as well to reduce the length of the border by an even greater amount, this being possible because in the original plan, Guatemala pokes unreasonably into Mexico, pointlessly lengthening the border. Another way to reduce border length is to draw the border at a longitude passing through the Mexican city of Minatitlan. With this plan, Mexico would remain a country. The few irrational nationalists who might want to remain independent of America would travel east to this new Mexico, and the wiser ones who want better lives would remain in the America state of Mexico.
However, it is very likely that very soon after the execution of this third plan, the “new Mexico” would be left dejectedly empty and abandoned. As evident from the stream of illegal Mexican immigration, Mexicans place no special value on and hold no attachment to their country of birth. Thus with the third plan, all Mexicans would eventually leave “new Mexico” for the United States, potentially recreating the problem of illegal immigration. Therefore, I propose to execute the third plan as a gesture of goodwill to those stubborn Mexicans likely to oppose our kind annexation. After a period of between five and seven months, when it becomes apparent that this plan is unviable, we would move on to the second plan, annexing Guatemala and Belize as well.
It is also necessary to take into consideration in what manner these newly absorbed peoples would be integrated into American society. Would they immediately become citizens, entitled to all the rights of natural Americans? The most prudent solution is to establish a system by which the Mexicans might attain American citizenship. This system is simple; they become citizens when they can demonstrate proficiency in English. Until they have renounced their crude, Spanish-speaking ways, they will be second class citizens entitled to the same rights accorded to illegal immigrants in America today.
In addition, it will be necessary that speaking Spanish be a punishable offense. On the first instance a Mexican is caught speaking Spanish, he will be fined five thousand dollars as a base, with an additional seventeen dollars for every Spanish word spoken. On weekdays between the hours of seven in the morning and three in the afternoon, the fine will naturally increase by ten and a half percent, and upon repeat offenses, the fine will double. If the criminal is unable or unwilling to pay, he will be forcibly removed to a reeducation center, in which he will be required to perform menial labor. He will be spoken to only in English, which he will eventually learn, thus earning his own freedom and citizenship. These Spanish Laws will also be enforced for all other people already in America who can only speak Spanish.
The only conceivable problem the Mexicans might find with this proposal is that now it will be necessary for them to comply with EPA regulations. However, such regulations will benefit them in the long run because they will benefit the American auto industry as the Mexicans will be required to buy cars that meet our rigorous standards. Therefore, Mexicans will purchase cars from more reliable and environmentally conscious American companies rather than foreign imitations. Annexing Mexico will also revitalize many other sectors of the American economy as the government works to establish a sturdier Mexican infrastructure and American investors take advantage of new markets and business opportunities.
With utmost authenticity, I freely admit that I have nothing to gain by the execution of this proposal other than American national interest, the sincere desire to improve the lives of our Mexican neighbors, and to bolster the American and Mexican economies. I have no status which I might hope to gain as I am neither Mexican nor an illegal immigrant nor is any of my relatives with the exception of my cousin’s maid, who is Filipino by birth, and whose visa has recently expired.
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