"No, Rhett, I couldn't marry you...I-"
Just as Scarlett was about to explain just why she couldn't marry Rhett, even after their impassioned kiss, Tasha walks in.
"DANG, Tasha, don't you EVER go away?!" Rhett asked, angry and annoyed at her interruption.
"Well, I came to make some brownies," Tasha replied in her OPV (old people voice).
"I can assure you, we do not need any brownies," Rhett spoke, his voice quieter now, but still laced with rage.
"You don't know that. Have you ever even TASTED my brownies?" Tasha retorted.
"Rhett! Who is this girl, and why is she here? Why can't she go make brownies at her own house?" Scarlett questioned, thoroughly confused.
"Well, I thought here would be the best place to make brownies because...well, Dallas is still here, isn't he?" Tasha asked.
"No, I think he just left for Belle Watling's house. It seemed he wanted to get to know the lesbian hooker princesses there," Rhett answered smoothly.
"GRRRRRRRRR!!! I shall kill him this instant!! AFTER I bake my brownies, that is," Tasha replied hotly, before storming off into the kitchen.

"Now, where were we, my pet?" Rhett asked a perplexed Scarlett. "I believe you were about to tell me why you cannot marry me, is that correct?"
"I-I-I just-can't, Rhett, that's all." With that, Scarlett raced up the stairs to the sanctuary of her room, and Rhett left dejectedly, deciding to go find Dallas and the hookers to see what they were up to, though he was extremely afraid of just that. As he passed the front of Aunt Pittypat's house on the sidewalk, he distinctly smelled burnt brownies, and Tasha exclaiming, "How wonderful! This batch turned out much better than the last one!!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Scarlett lay awake all night that night, wondering what she she do about Rhett's marriage proposal.

"He is very rich," she thought, "and maybe living with him wouldn't be TERRIBLE...wait, what am I saying?! Of course it would be terrible...isn't HE terrible?"

She rolled over on her side, but stopped herself when the closepin on her nose hit the fluffy pillow, twisting and pinching her skin.

"Dang, Tasha," Scarlett thought, annoyed. "It's not because of Rhett that I can't get any sleep...it's because of the STENCH of your stupid brownies in this house!!"

The "aroma" of the brownies had caused Aunt Pitty to pass out, and she died later that evening. Tasha said that she could not and would not take the blame for it, after all it wasn't her fault that "that weird old lady was sniffin' my brownies!!"

Pitty's death bothered Scarlett very little. She had more important matters on her mind, like what to do about Rhett, and where the nearest Dollar General was to buy some air freshener.

(Of course, they can't get the "Plug it in, plug it in" kind because they do not have electrical outlets. She will have to buy aerosol cans.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, the house was still stinky, but very quiet when Scarlett O'Hara awoke. After she got dressed, she went downstairs to get some breakfast. Aunt Pitty was sitting at the table already, sipping some coffee. The two women still had their clothespins on their noses. Tasha was no where in sight, and Scarlett was glad. She didn't feel like choking anyone to the death today.

A knock came at the door a few moments later, and Scarlett was very surprised to find that it was Rhett Butler, holding out a bright yellow Dollar General bag. "Here, take these. For the good of the whole neighborhood." Scarlett looked in the bag to find dozens of cans of air freshener. She was extremely grateful to Rhett, but very confused.

"I see how these could help Aunt Pitty and me, Rhett, but what do you mean 'the good of the whole neighborhood'?"

"Look around you, my dear."

And she looked. There were people lying on the sidewalks, moaning, "The smell, ohh the SMELL! Make it go away, make it stop!! Somebody do something!!"

Scarlett was astonished. This was worse than the depot injuries during the war. She quickly reached inside the bag and pulled out a can of "Mango Madness" air freshener. Before spraying it, she turned to Rhett and said, "You did get all of the same scent, right?"

"Of course. If they were all different it would smell worse than the brownies."

Scarlett sprayed each of the cans, one by one, until they were all used up. Now the neighborhood smelled like a Carribbean island, and everyone was enjoying it immensely, even if the scent was a bit strong.

Scarlett turned toward Rhett. "I-I can't thank you enough for this, Rhett." Tears came to her eyes, not from emotion, but from the chemicals in the air. Rhett misunderstood this, and, thinking she was never more desirable than when she was crying, pulled her to him for a long, long kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Later that night, Scarlett was waiting by the front door for Tasha to get back from Belle Watling's. Tasha had been gone since after the brownies had cooled the night before, so Scarlett decided to wait up for her to choke her. Oh, sure, the whole neighborhood smelled great now, but the air freshener had cost Scarlett 108 bucks!! Although Rhett had originally bought the air freshener, Scarlett felt she had to pay for it, remembering a rule she learned as a child "A lady never accepts expensive gifts from a gentleman..." and though her mother had listed many things to be accepted and rejected then, air freshener was not one of them. Scarlett figured she'd better pay up, cause 108 cans of air freshener, even at one dollar apiece at Dollar General, is NOT cheap!


Scarlett hears steps coming up the walk. She grabs a rope from the draperies near by (what is UP with this woman and CURTAINS?!) and gets in her position.
When the woman walked in, Scarlett jumped out from behind something and pulled the rope around her neck. It wasn't until after the deed was done that she realized she'd killed Aunt Pitty.

OF COURSE!! Aunt Pitty had just been returning from a date she had had with her brother, Henry. Scarlett had approved very much of this match, and had hoped marriage was emminent. Pitty and Henry were just so OLD, and what was the big deal anyways? If the rest of the family can marry their cousins, it shouldn't be such a shocker for a brother and sister to tie the knot. Their age could be used to their advantage, because since they were too old to have children, they wouldn't introduce children with eleven fingers, nine toes, and elf ears into the gene pool.

Scarlett said to herself, "I've murdered Aunt Pitty...oh, I can't think about that now, I'll think about it tomorrow..."

Just then, Scarlett's glow-in-the-dark, waterproof, tells-you-the-time-in-all-24-time-zones digital watch turned over to 12:00 AM.

"Ohh, the guilt, the remorse!! If only I had known..." Scarlett wails for about an hour before finally saying, "I'll think about it tomorrow. That gives me 23 hours to do something else." So she goes upstairs to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning, Scarlett was awakened by Tasha's humming in the kitchen. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hurriedly Scarlett ran downstairs to see if she could stop Tasha from cooking. To her big surprise, Tasha was cooking GOOD food!!

"How-how-why-" Scarlett st-st-st-STUTTERED.

"Oh, nothing really," Tasha began in her OPV. "When I went to get Dallas from Belle Watling and the lesbian hooker princesses, they showed me how to cook, and, why, it's just the easiest thing, and explains why Dallas kept going there. But now my little darling will stay HOME and eat his mealy-wheelies, isn't that right?"

Dallas nods from the chair which he has been handcuffed to, courtesy of Tasha, of course.

When Scarlett asks about the handcuffs, Tasha replies, "Well, you can't be too careful these days," and goes back to cooking breakfast and watching Good Morning Alabama on ABC 33/40.

Aunt Pitty walks down the stairs, and when she sees Tasha cooking, she cries, "Scarlett, fetch me my smelling salts!! I-I think I shall faint!" Scarlett gets the salts, and when she hands them to Pitty she says, "Pitty, I don't why you are carrying on so; Tasha can cook quite well now."

"How can you know for sure? Have you tasted any of the food yet?"

"No, but nothing's burnt, and we all know that's a major improvement."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That night, Scarlett couldn't sleep. Number one, Tasha's cooking, while deliciously improved, was REALLY spicy, and Scarlett couldn't find the Tums. She suspected that Aunt Pitty had crushed them up for more smelling salts, but couldn't be sure, and did not press Pitty on the matter.

However, the main reason Scarlett couldn't sleep is because of the visit that Rhett had paid her that afternoon. He'd asked her to marry him again, and what's worse, she had said yes. Now all she wanted to do was take it back, but he had run off to Canada to buy some moose fur, and Scarlett didn't even know what a moose was, where Canada was, or anything important like that, so she couldn't get in touch with him.

"Well, at least he's rich," she thought, because she was going to need to by some more Tums, and fast, because Pitty and her pepper-resistant self had appointed Tasha as her official cook, and Dallas as her official bathroom cleaner.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where is your lover boy Rhett, Scarlett? I haven't seen him around too recently," Tasha asked.

"Well, he went to Canada, where ever the heck THAT is, and I can't get in touch with him...He asked me to marry him, and I said yes! But now I want to take it back," at this Scarlett began crying, not only from stress, but from the onions Tasha was chopping up.

"Don't cry, Scarlett, you can tell it to his face you don't want to marry him, when he comes back."

"I wish it were that easy...You and Dallas have such a great relationship...What is your secret?" Scarlett asked.

"Oh, nothing really, just a pair of handcuffs and a hammer," Tasha declared proudly.

"Wow..." Scarlett thought dreamily. And aloud, "Tasha, I believe I'll go for a walk to clear my head. Can you have some of your delicious onion brownies ready when I return?"

"Of course."

And with that, Scarlett O'Hara set out for her walk.

She walked a long time, and began to tire. She was ready to go home. So she called Tasha up on the cell and told her she was on her way home.

Scarlett was only a block or so away from home, when Rhett's carriage pulled up beside her. They ran off, got married, came back, and when they told Tasha, Dallas, and Pitty, the reactions were rather strange.

Tasha offered them a cold, moldy batch of onion brownies "as a wedding gift."

Dallas started to say something, but Tasha hit him on the head with a hammer, and proceeded to handcuff his unconcious form to a table leg. "I'll have to remember that," Scarlett had thought with a smirk.

Pitty wailed, fainted, and died (again). The funeral was sad and somber, until Pitty came back to life (again) and caused everyone there to have a heart attack. Let's just say the Atlanta Hopsickle was VERY busy the next couple of weeks, since the whole town had turned out for the funeral, if nothing else but to bury their smelling salts in the grave. They only kept them for when Pitty was at their houses anyways.

~Epilogue~

After everybody had quadruple bypass surgery, they lived happily ever after. Dallas and Tasha moved in with Belle Watling (SCARY THOUGHTS!). Pitty and Henry Hamilton finally married (she didn't even have to change her last name!), and to everyone's horror, she turned up pregnant. Uh-oh.

Scarlett and Rhett had a somewhat odd marriage. They moved to Texas, bought a ranch, and changed their names to George and Laura Bush. Their home was huge, and always smelled like "Mango Madness." The locals wondered but never asked. Scarlett (Laura) kept Rhett (George) in complete control. He always did wonder how she came about the handcuffs and hammer.

Maybe it had something to do with the Dollar General, right next door to their house.


THE END

that was sooooooooooooo funny :D i loved how Pitty died like 5 times,Dollar General was there, Scarlett didnt know what a moose was or where Canada is, and how Scarlett and Rhet became Laura and George Bush priceless ^_^ hehehehehehheehehehehehehe