I spent my lunch hour putting this down. I've never done this before. Hopefully it makes sense.

I've recently gotten physical with my wife. Not "beat or punch" physical but push, pull, poke and cornered, in her face ranting and foul-mouthed, name-calling railing. I can't get through to wife what I'm trying to say, she shakes her head affirmatively and then goes off and acts like I never said a thing. I am so frustrated, I feel like I'm going insane. I'm scaring my kids; I'm a terrible example.

I love my family. I want us to be successful as a couple.

My anger is destroying my marriage.

I'm 47, married 18 years, Type A personality, 4 healthy, intelligent, active children (4 to 13), high stress job, self motivated, a perfectionist, Sales Manager for a $30M business, a lot of personnel changes at work (combo economy and bail outs) creating inconveniences and difficulties, undervalued at work, in serious debt, no physical activity (no time), currently fighting a pretty heavy respiratory infection, spent the weekend with the kids while mom worked two 12 hour shifts Saturday & Sunday, no support from wife re plans or meals, etc.(for the weekend), wife has recently gone back to work full time out of necessity (debt), I lead a Worship Team (music) at our local church which requires weekly late night practices and 7AM attendance before services (alternating weeks), I don't get enough rest so about every ten days I "pass out" to recuperate, dozens of projects at home to finish, a plate at the office that is way over capacity, no social life, taking Ground School Flight training one night per week (have skipped the last two), my parents fought violently and still do occasionally, my dad is a recovering alcoholic (he was a mean drunk), I quit smoking two and a half years ago, took Wellbutrin to quit, hated it, clipped all of my "drives", if I stay on a regular regimen of Xanax, I can squeeze through most days without "losing it", my mom "lost it" a lot, never knew how she was going to respond to you, I don't feel I'm like that, I DO know I lose it, really bad at times. Getting more frequent and greater in magnitude.

What I believe my wife thinks about me:

I'm smarter than she is and I take (pride in and) advantage of the fact. She has been physical with me but I deserved it. I'm a domineering, "Fred Flintstone", chauvinist. It's my way only. I'm intolerant. I spend too much time planning and not enough time doing. I have a foul mouth (I do). I'm smart. I'm wise. I'm usually right on target in addressing an issue or problem.

What I believe about me:

First, I'm in trouble. That's why I'm doing this. I am known as a good at negotiatior and skilled customer relationship manager. I observe I have the ability at times though, to "piss people off" just by looking at them! It takes a lot of work to have a family of four. Life is work. Enjoy work, enjoy life. You have to have a plan or you will not survive, let alone succeed. My job is to raise my children to be self-sufficient. My wife comes before my children. I believe a wife should be a friend who points out (or warns us about) our blind spots and if she (knowingly) does not communicate, she is harming the relationship by not carrying her end. I need rest, food and exercise regularly or I get hyper. I am not as good a communicator as others think I am (why else would I be here?) I feel overwhelmed by all that is happening and expected of me.

What I think my wife believes about herself:

She has no particular talents. She doesn't like herself (never has). She's fat. I think she's fat (I don't mind, she's human, I'm tired of the whining about it). Life isn't turning out the way she wanted it to. She hates herself for being pushed around by her mom (still the little girl). Her sister (second born, she's first) gets all the attention in her family. Just wants to have fun and everyone be happy.

What I believe about my wife:

I love my wife. Everybody likes my wife. The only people who don't like my wife are those who are jealous of her. She is intelligent but doesn't believe it. But, my wife doesn't read, doesn't socialize well, is either overly permissive or overly severe with the kids. Prone to fits of anger herself only at the children, not me. Competes with me (why, I don't know). She is intimidated by my "knowledge about a lot of things" (education, communications, etiquette, social sense, fixing things, etc.) She gets angry because I go faster than she does. Claims to be afraid of me. Thinks we need to "talk to someone" (no suggestions). Has some serious issues with truthfulness and intimacy.

I am so upset, I feel I can't breath. What can I do for immediate relief? I know there is no quick fix but I have to get a grip before I ruin what I think is a good thing!

Hi Jim

You said : I am so upset, I feel I can't breath/currently fighting a pretty heavy respiratory infection

Spot the link??! Your thoughts and feelings are creating ill health. Change your thoughts to change your life! If you read some of Jerry Wilde's books, you'll find that the word 'should' ("a wife should be...") is a tip that you would benefit from a change in your thinking patterns. As a Type A, you probably want to control the world - practice substituting curiosity and acceptance for a while and you may find life begins to take on a different hue.

You also ask : What can I do for immediate relief?

Simple (and hard!) Stop doing so many things!

If you haven't yet adapted to the ramifications of your wife working full-time, you may not have realised that it means you will need to cut down on your own 'extra-curricular' activities in order to find the time to take on a good half of all the household and family activities and tasks.

Concentrate on work and family for a while - and then go back to church activities and hobbies later when things are better 'under control'.

If you go 'cold Turkey', it may hurt a little but you'll soon be feeling better and wondering quite how you had expected to fit so much in before.

As far as work is concerned, you may need to practice the art of delegation or using the word 'no' (graciously!).

You've got the brains - now give yourself the space the use them wisely to achieve the important things in life. It's up to you to decide what those are.

Remember : no 'shoulds'!!! And try Jerry's books. They're worth the price.

Good luck!
Sue
www.changinglives.co.uk