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Thoughts that prompt anger

April 21 2007 at 3:45 PM
Score 1.0 (1 person)
Spitfire99  (Login spitfire99)

 
My problem is when I have situations that I can not control, I tend to "conjour up" POTENTIAL SITUATIONS in which my mind plays out my response to the POTENTIAL SITUATION, which in turns gets me all worked up & angry. So sometimes, before I have even gotten out of bed or said a word to anyone, I'm ready to fight the world, all based on my mind racing & thinking up potential situations & reactions. I think this is sourced out of a perceived lack of control and a desire to "prepare myself" in the advent that another real life situation occurs & how I will deal with it. Most recently, these mental gymnastics have been related to my husband's EX, who won't get out of our life, but continues to cause problems. Granted, her actual interference only happens 1-2/year, but my husband does not handle the situation well which is usually at my emotional expense, so there is residual damage which reverberates. So, I begin to have thoughts regarding the EX, potential interactions & how I would respond to her & husband. By the time my mind goes through all this crap, I'm ready to strangle my husband and he hasn't even said word one!!! He looks at me like I have 2 heads & 3 eyes, asking "what have I done wrong" and all he did was wake up and say good morning. My thoughts are sabataoging my life and marriage...this type of mental action also occurs in other situations besides my marriage. I'm getting myself worked up...sometimes I wonder if I'm addicted to the rush of anger????? Any insights?

 
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Dr. Wilde
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RE: Thoughts that Prompt Anger

Score 4.0 (1 person)
May 24 2007, 7:13 PM 

Spitfire 99,

Thanks for writing into the board. My expertise is working with children but I'll see if I can't provide some help regarding your situation. The title of your post (Thoughts that Prompt Anger) is perfect. Thoughts cause anger...not your husband's ex-wife or anything else under the sun. You have done a good job of diagnosing the problem when you wrote "I tend to 'conjour up' POTENTIAL SITUATIONS in which my mind plays out my response to the POTENTIAL SITUATION, which in turns gets me all worked up & angry. So sometimes, before I have even gotten out of bed or said a word to anyone, I'm ready to fight the world, all based on my mind racing & thinking up potential situations & reactions." You are more insightful than most people with anger problems. You understand that you are doing it to yourself. So here are some suggestions...when you are in bed thinking up all the reasons other people will try to "do you in" ask yourself, "How likely is it that this will actually happen?" If you are honest you'll probably say, "Not very likely." So....let it go. Do something to wipe it from your mind. Get up and go for a walk...take a shower...feed the dog...do something other than lay there and ruminate on the thoughts that are driving you crazy.

The second thing to do is accept the fact that if people or things don't go as you would like, it's a hassle, not a horror. If your husband's ex-wife is a "pain," accept the fact that she is exactly like everyone else on the planet...a human being who at times makes mistakes and act inappropriately. That doesn't make her a terrible person. It makes her human. If you are demand that she act differently, you are invoking "GOD-LIKE" power that you do not have. Accept the fact that people have free will and we don't have any control over anyone other than ourselves. To demand that other people do exactly what we want is a defiance of reality. Accept reality. Convince yourself not to be overly upset over other people's words and deeds.

I hope this helps. I'd be really interested in hearing (e.g., reading) other advice from visitors to the site. Good Luck!

Jerry

 
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Suzanne Taylor BSW/RSW
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Talk with him

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November 15 2007, 11:13 PM 

I agree with Dr. Wilde and would suggest that you talk to a counselor or mental health worker about what you are feeling. Speak to your husband as well about how he can help you feel more secure in your marriage so you don't have to worry about his ex or how she is going to irritate you in the future. I think the key to anger management is effective communication above all else.
Talk to him and share with him respectfully how you feel about his ex and how he treats her. Perhaps he is ignorant to his actions and how they affect you. We are all human and we all err, but sometimes it needs to be called to our attention; otherwise the behavior will never change.
Good luck!
Suzie

 
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