For Riker - Oneliners from new stuff

RETURN TO JUSTICE ONELINERS


Hunter - Shooting you is one more thing I'm gonna have to do today.
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Hunter - I'm a Los Angeles police officer. You ... are ... under ... arrest.
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Hunter - I was the officer in command. Detective Lopez was killed on my watch. I take full responsibility for his death.
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Hunter - I know how it is. I also know how it used to be._______________________________________________________________________

Hunter - Who IS this???

McCall - (giggling) You know who this is. What are you doing? Get over here.

Hunter - What am I doing? Let's see ... I'm having my back waxed. What do you think I'm doing? I'm getting dressed.

McCall - Hurry up and get your pants on.
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Hunter - Can't you people afford a limosine? What kind of engagement party is this anyway?

McCall - Get your butt in one (a cab) and get over here.
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McCall - Yes, I remember it (the murphy bed). I was hoping perhaps that you had evolved since then. I mean look at you today, your socks match and everything.
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Hunter - (re: her mansion) Jealous of what? Having to drop bread crumbs in the middle of the night to find my way back from the bathroom.

McCall - You are soooooo asking for it.
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McCall - Don't be such a wisenheimer, huh?
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McCall - Did I tell you that's how Roger and I met?

Hunter - Yeah. About ten times.

McCall - No, I think it was about eight times.

Hunter - Ten times.
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About finding the bathroom -

Hunter - Well, I think I can manage. Thanks very much. You are very kind. And I have a pocket full of breadcrumbs.
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On having Dee Dee

Roger - I am the luckiest man on the planet.

Hunter - Indeed you are.
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Alan - When do you need it?

Hunter - Before you eat the next donut my friend.

Alan - You are harsh man. You are harsh. Consider it done.
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A little shade of the Brass Cupcake ...

McCall - Luiz! Get in my office. Sit there. Do not move. Don't touch anything. Do not speak!
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Hunter - Roger is in a jackpot that's for sure. Something's going on and he knows it.
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Hunter - Look there were two intruders. Both Russian. One a KGB killer. That's who breaks into your house? (LOL - this one amuses me)
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McCall - (after being shot at) AHHHHHHH. I do not miss this. (This amuses me too! Hope it doesn't mean she doesn't want to be on the streets).
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Roger - I am from St. Petersburg.

McCall - I take it you don't mean Florida.
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Roger - My apologies. Your visit has come with a hook in it.
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Hunter - Roger, we are at war. Each one of us is at war everyday one way or another. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don't know what it is we do as police officers.

McCall - We help people.
Roger - Is that right?

Hunter - Yeah. Sometimes.

Roger - Does that seem to be enough for you?

Hunter - (Meaning McCall) Well when it is the right sometimes. (She smiles and nods her head).
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Hunter - Look, don't hurt her. You'll get your list.

VAYA SIN DIOS ONELINERS

Hunter - Generally our phone doesn't ring unless there is a dead body.

Nurse - Well that's the problem. I don't know who is dead. And she only speaks Spanish.

They walk into the room and see a young girl lying in bed.

McCall - Well she's not.

Nurse - Well, hey you ARE a detective!
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McCall - No! No! I'm not doing it! I am not a babysitter.

Hunter - It's either your house or we give her to the INS and lose control.

McCall - Hey listen, what about your house?

Hunter - (he shoots her a look)

McCall - You're right that - that was not a good idea. But listen I can't do this either. I have a life!

Hunter - Okay, we put her in a safe house and she can bunk with Sal the meathook, Frescetti!

McCall - (she gets an idea) Hey Minetti! Come here. (the female officer starts to stand up)

Hunter - No Minetti! Sit down. (the female officer sits down)

McCall - Yeah Minetti. Come here. (the female officer starts to stand up)

Hunter - No! no. Sit down Minetti. (the female officer starts to sit down - she is now looking like a jack in the box)

McCall - No, no, no. Come here.

Hunter - Sit down - sit down, Minetti. (Minetti makes a face)

McCall - You so owe me big time for this!!

Hunter - Fine. I'll buy you some fins.

(I LOVE THIS ONE)
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Detective - (Speaks Spanish to the girl and gets no response)

Hunter - I say we shoot her. (McCall gives him a look)
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Captain - (resistant to letting them investigate the case) I have nine open cases working, Lieutenant.

Hunter - Great. And when the bodies start washing up at vacation village, I have all the Mayor's phone calls sent to you.
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Hunter - Anyone around here fish or sail?

Captain - (walks out in the precinct and says loudly) Anyone around here sail or fish?
(Everyone raises their hands - McCall laughs).
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Hunter - You like boats, Minetti?

Minetti - The guy I was dating loved boats.

Hunter - Was? What happened?

Minetti - He loved boats.
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Hunter - We are looking for a ship's captain with the tattoo of a snake.

Suspect -(trying to hit on Minetti) - Why don't we go out back and I'll show you mine (tattoo).

Minetti - He said snake not worm.
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Hunter - You know, Mr. Tulaneane, the worst part of someone's day isn't when I show up. It's when I come back.
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INS agent tries to kidnap the girl and hurts her arm. He talks with Hunter and wants to speak with the girl. Hunter agrees and takes the guy into the interogation room -

Hunter - Antonio, Agent Reader would like to apologize for his bad behavior.
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Waitress - You 21?

Hunter - Yup, just turned 21 today.
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Antonio uses McCall's phone and hangs up when McCall comes in. McCall calls and finds out the last number dialed from her house. Then calls the precinct for information.

Sid - (answering the phone) I have been waiting the whole shift for you to call, baby. Don't you miss me.

McCall - (sarcastically and sexily) Yeah. I am on fire for you.

Sid - (his eyes pop open) Oh, hey Serg. Hey. I ... I thought you were ...

McCall - I know what you were thinking. Go to the reverse directory. I need for you to get me an address to go with a phone number.

Sid - (the phone rings and he goes to answer it) Don't even think about answering that, Sid. (His hand shoot back to his typing)

(I LOVE THIS ONE TOO)
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Hunter - (to a suspect) You talk alot, but you never say anything!
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McCall and young male detective go after a man. The young detective chases the man, McCall waits by the car. The detective brings the man to the car.

Detective - Hope I didn't keep you waiting too long.

McCall - No. I have a lot of patience. Years of practice, ya know?
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Hunter - (to suspect) You screwed up John. They're not all dead. You missed. But I won't. I won't!
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Hunter - How's Antonio doing?

McCall - Minetti is with her. You know this whole thing feels like a basket full of snakes. Your suspect does not match our witness's description.
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Hunter - Did you get a read on our INS guy?

McCall - Barely, why?

Hunter - I mean what kind of coyot kills his cargo?
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Captain - Who is going to try this case?

McCall - Ask the DA?

Captain - I did. Her eyes crossed!
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Hunter - This guy's a squirel. I'm telling you there something not right about this guy. Please make the phone call (to check him out).
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McCall chews out INS agent.

INS Agent - What's with your partner, Hunter?

Hunter - I don't know. Ask her.
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McCall - (in car - on radio) Oh my God. Any sign at all. (to Hunter) My apartment is now a crime scene.
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Hunter - Crow, I am obligated to tell you, you are under arrest for murder - so down your weapons and come out with your hands up.
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Hunter - (visiting the INS agent in the hospital) Oh Brother - you look like hell.
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Hunter, McCall and Antonio are going for food - they head for a trailer like food truck.

Antonio - I hear the food here is great.

McCall - Hey authentic Mexican food.

Hunter - Gee ... right off the back of the truck.

McCall - I'm going to order something with jalopenas.

Antonio - Let me get it.

McCall - No no no.

Antonio - Please. After all you have done for me. I want to thank you. If they send me back to Mexico, you will come visit me and I will cook for both of you.

Hunter - It's a deal.

McCall - Sounds nice, thanks. Don't forget something spicy.

Hunter - She likes it hot!
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UNTOUCHABLE ONELINERS

McCall - Police - back off! Hunter!

Hunter - What's going on in here?

McCall - He's doing a little chamber of congress work.


Hunter - Come on Mr. Dawes - I can smell an orange jumpsuit a mile away.


Hunter - It will give me great pleasure to put you under arrest.
Perp - Ask me if I care?


Hunter - Maggie, I want to know why you personally sent someone down to spring that pile of dirt.


Captain - For all intents and purposes Domeotti is dead.

Hunter - Then it shouldn't be a problem if he turns up dead again.


Menetti - It's like the guy doesn't exist.

Hunter - He doesn't. The guy we're looking for isn't Harry Dawes, it's Salvator Domeotti.

Menetti - No way. I mean he's dead, isn't he?

Hunter - That's the Feds want us to believe.

McCall - You think it, you guess it, or you feel it?


McCall - This is going to come out., Councilman. It is going to come out, because I am going to make it come out.

Councilman - Is that a threat?

McCall - No. It's just a heads up. Election is next month, isn't it?


McCall - You know, if one of your constituates covered up a crime to protect their backsides, you'd be out making speeches about public responsibility, but when it comes to your own ass ...

Councilman - We are finished.

McCall - You bet we're finished. You can tell whoever reassured you that my partner and I are not reassured. I don't care who the hell these people are. This guy is going down.


Perp - You're like herpes, Hunter. No cure. You just disappear for a while.


Perp - You talk pretty big for a guy low down on the food chain.


Maggie - Amazing. You actually eat with a knife and fork.

Hunter - Don't get excited Maggie, I use my sleeve as a napkin.


Detective - How do we stay in Dawes' face. He knows most of the team already.

Hunter - Hey Menetti, didn't you say you used to be a waitress.

Menetti - Talk about something I never want to do again.

(Hunter and McCall smile)


Sid - Yeah Darlin. I love how you take care of me.

Menetti - Yeah. I'll take care of you when I get off.

Sid - Hey I think I am way ahead of you.

Menetti - You are a pig.


McCall - You nervous? Don't be. Look around we're surrounded by cops.

Alex - That's not funny. You wired?

McCall - Whadda you want to do - pat me down?


Hunter (to McCall in hospital) - This'll teach you to hang out in those strip clubs!


Hunter - Besides, the doctor said you'll be up and outta here in no time, unless you want to extend your stay, in which you should start bitching and moaning right now.

McCall - That's okay. I don't like lime jello.


McCall - Alex, the gun and the badge go a long way, but it really does depend on who's carrying them.


Alex - You've got me feeling like the patient.

McCall - Wait a second. Is that what this is? Are you trying to muscle in on my tea and sympathy cause I don't get too much of that, ya know?

Alex - I'm glad you are okay.

McCall - Who said I was okay. Didn't you hear, when I am outta here I need a huge amount of tlc, great food, and expensive wine.


Alex - Well?

McCall - Hmmm. (big pause) Yum.

Alex - Yum? I didn't know yum applied to a good bottle of wine.

McCall - (laughing) Yeah. Kind of your all purpose phrase, ya know. You done good.

Alex - All I know is if it didn't have a screw off cap and it is not whiskey or beer, I'm out of my game.

McCall - Hey, I could have gone for cold beer.

Alex - Now you tell me.


Hunter - It's a small world after all.

McCall - Excuse me?

Hunter - Oh no!

McCall - I'm sure you have me mistaken for someone else.

Hunter - We've had a glass of wine, haven't we?

McCall - My name is James. Ellen James. And you are???

Hunter - Dr. Rothsteinf. I am here to examined you.

Hunter and Maggie walk away -

McCall - (yelling after Hunter) I think if you run my prints you will find I am absolutely not who you think I am.
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HORSEY EPISODE ONELINERS

Hunter - I know you've got to get to the hospital. Your gonna need some better answers. Try to think of some.


Horsey Janitor Guy - Perhaps you should talk to my boss.
Hunter - Why is that? Your boss know more than you do? (guy laughs)


Granger - Is it me or don't you like anyone?
Hunter - (laughing) Well I do have a short list, Mr. Granger


McCall - Granger wanted him to lay low for a while. (looks up at fancy apartment building) Looks more like laying high.


Hunter - Why don't I believe you?
Jockey Guy - How the hell should I know. Maybe you got trust issues.


Hunter - (laughing - opening up a sandwich) What the hell is this? Look.

McCall - That's mine! (looks at her sandwich) Oh yes. Here. No, I would never ... eat that (hands him the sandwich).


Santiago - (disappointed) Turkey. I ordered Genova salami.

Minetti - I think I found yours. How's mine?

Santiago - Not bad actually.


Sid - So how much longer do you figure we'll be here?

Hunter - Why, gotta date?

Sid - Well ... actually I do.

Hunter - That circus performer again?

Sid - It wasn't circus, it was carnival.

Hunter - Alright Sid, we can wrap it up here. You can go.

SId - Thanks.

McCall - She uh wrap your legs around her neck?


Hunter - How are Sid's pants?
Santiago - Ruined!


McCall - There was a lot riding on it, so to speak.


Granger - You mind if I make a personal observation, Lt?
Hunter - Go right ahead.
Granger - Next to me, you are probably the biggest SOB I've ever met.
Hunter - When it comes to you, everyone else is in second place.
Granger - You know you are probably right.


Works for me.


The mere image of Sid holding that horse's hoof - LOL
Sid - Can I put this down now?


Hunter and McCall in matching jackets - LOL


Grocery Boy - Is the guy dead?
Hunter - Yeah - you can close out his account.

Suspect to Hunter (in jail cell) - The places I take you are a hell of a lot more fun.

McCall - Aren't we smart ... after the fact.


ENJOY - BEST, KATIEG PS - Sorry I dont' have any oneliners from Back in Force.