Hullo there! Right. All right! Well I’m here tonight to personally introduce a special edition of ‘Call My Bluff’, which tonight features two pieces of writing from an Internet Forum tonight. Now I’ve often wondered, as I’m sure you have, as indeed we all have, about who is telling the truth tonight, or at any time, and so without further ado here’s the first piece that I’m going to introduce to you tonight:


I have been asked by several members to give a few tricks of the trade of caning boys’ bottoms that I picked up when I was a headmaster at St. Pant’s School. I have used a spell-checker on this post, so that members will hopefully not write to me saying that members do not have to read the mistooks that I sometimes make in my posts as a member. Members can however send me an em with any questions that they might have as members.

Members may like to know that I used to practise caning a boy’s bottom by using a cushion. I would put a pair of pants on a cushion and, treating it like a boy’s bottom with pants on, I would give it six strokes with the pants on and then taking the pants off the cushion would give it another fifty strokes so that it was like caning a boy’s bare bottom without pants on.

I well remember the day that an eight-year-old boy’s mother came to see me. Members will I hope forgive me if I do not give her name to members, so I’ll just call her Mrs. Pantsmember. She told me that her son had refused to wear his school cap in the garden and asked if I would cane him, since her husband was away on active service as a member of the armed forces. I asked her if I should cane her son with his pants on or with his pants off and carefully explained to her that if I caned his bottom with his pants off then I would be caning his bare bottom without the protection of pants. That is to say, his bottom would be bare with no pants on. She said that I should give him twenty strokes with his pants on, so that he would not get the cane on his bare bottom and then give him another twenty strokes without his pants on, on his bare bottom without pants. I told her that if I caned him on his bare bottom without pants (continued on several other Internet fora for members).


Well now, was that the truth? I sure I don’t know here tonight, but maybe you might or perhaps not, or I might, but anyway here’s the next piece that I’m personally going to introduce to you tonight. Goodnight!


I can confirm that girls were slippered by male teachers. I will not repeat the details of my slippering (bending over, touching my toes) since I know that Miles (who makes racist comments on a forum that I now regret having supported) obtains a lascivious thrill from reading about my formal (and justified) punishment.

I shall not contribute to this forum again (although I reserve the right to change my mind as befits my gender and maturity) Changing the background colour is of no consequence in reality. My slippering (six of the best on my gym knickers) has engendered thoughts within me that I not wish to make known on a public (and spurious) forum such as this.

My writing in the past has been greatly admired (particularly by Miles) but recent personal problems have led to a decline in my literary style and my sentence construction is not once it was.

I hope I have got in before the W.W.O.T.W. (or is it Dorothy?) and may continue to post (for those who are interested) on Abby’s Forum (which to my certain knowledge is not known as ‘Abyss Forum’ despite what Miles and Robin and all of the other compulsive self-abusers might say).

This forum has gone down, down, down in my estimation.

Eamonn Andrews was a wonderful man, and not the gibbering oaf you make him out to be. Did you never see him on ‘This Is Your Life’? He always had complete control over the proceedings.

I too am appalled at this outrageous piece.

To satirise the charming literary style of a lady (whom I believe Miles had as the ‘Queen of the Parenthesis’) is (as we say on the ‘Ride to the Abyss’ forum) a thoroughly bad show.

The parenthesis (or words in brackets, although sometimes commas are used) is a powerful tool in the hands of a writer of the calibre of the lady in question, but when overused (as in the travesty about which I am complaining) it sets the English Language back one hundred years.

I am not appalled, but saddened. Ralphy et al. insisted that the piece be published.

I have long been (and will continue to be) an avid admirer of the writing of the ‘Queen of Parenthesis’.

Many knickers have I seen,
But the knickers of Her
Will be ever green.

Miles

This just goes to show that without exception (and I always live in hope it is to the contrary), absolutely none of you understand the concept, or personal behavioural consequences of that dreaded state 'The Menopause'. Even if you are claiming to be female (valid these days, I accept) and are only 34, you must have a mother. Unfortunately precisely the people you would wish to communicate with in respect of your chosen subject, and who can be expected to maintain any kind of interest, are probably going through this distressing state now. In my case, due to medical reasons, without assistance of HRT. I suggest that you all either accept that the interesting fish will no longer swim in your direction, or make personal choices to join other streams.

These are my final words on this forum.

Well I thought it all just very amusing and well written, so there.
Even us (unpleasant remark removed).
regards,
jay

Fran- I really do sympathise. My wife became menopausal at the age of 37. She hadn’t expected to of course and had a terrible time. When she was 40 she left me to go and live in a womens collective.
About a year ago I started feeling very low and started getting a bit shakey and I now realise that it is the male menopause which some people don’t think exists. The thing that has helped me a lot is the internet. I like message boards a lot and two months ago I was looking at one about Derbyshire and saw this forum advertised. Somebody said here that it was like a home from home for them and I feel the same. The messages here sometimes make me laugh and sometimes cry but it helps me to forget the physical and emotional changes that I am going through at the moment.
I don’t send posts but I do print off all the messages that appear here and keep them in a special folder which I shall give to my children when they reach the age of 21. It will be an important document of social history.
I will miss your messages here but I know from what you have written before that you have a good family and I’m sure you will get a lot of support from them. I know you are upset but you might find comfort in knowing that someone has taken so much notice of your style that they want to copy it. Nobody will want to copy my style – I don’t have one.
Kind regards from Ron.

But you do have a style, Ron!

It's called 'homely'.

Thank you for posting your first message.

You do, Ron (Ron Ron).

You do, Ron (Ron).

Thank you very much Nichonettes and Sarajane for saying such nice things.
I was very nervous about sending a message here but I felt so sorry for Fran

As Ron says, many people think the male menopause doesn't exist but I hope such people will now reconsider . . . and ask themselves how dear Fran could possibly be menopausal if it didn't.

The menopause (female or male) can play cruel tricks with the mind of the sufferer and may well explain why Fran recalls being slippered in green knickers.

The slippering I believe; but the green knickers were of course a pigment of Fran's imagination.