AND NOW LIVE FROM WEMBLEY,
IT’S THE EAMONN ANDREWS SHOW!

Hullo there! Well I’m here tonight to tell you that I’ve got some wonderful surprise guests lined up for you tonight to discuss School Corporal Punishment tonight. In five hours time I shall personally introduce a man who often did, as I’m sure we all did at one time or another, and so without further ado I’ll just say that I’ve had as much corporal punishment from the Christian Brothers as we all have, and introduce my first guest - a lady who’s come all the way from

done edit - we is ready - no more rubish

We cannot allow this to continue. Eamonn Andrews was respected, loved, revered by many and to denigrate his name in this way, or indeed any other way, particularly on a Sunday night and in the year of the passing of the Queen Mother, is not acceptable.

At least this board isn't censored.

Well now, Simon, I'm sure you have many, many wonderful memories of school corporal punishment. Perhaps you could tell us some of your wonderful memories of school corporal punishment?

Hello!
I'm new here but I have contributed before as Big Ones; Little Ones; Penis Face and twice as the BBC Symphony Orchestra. But I won't contribute again, so that's two more contributors you've lost.
Love from Hayley.

Well thank you Hayley for sharing your wonderful memories with us here tonight.

Now before I introduce my next guest who's come all the way from Wembley to be with us here tonight, I'd just like to say, but I won't, so without further ado.......

Amazing! I don't know what to say!

And that makes two of us.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm often surprised when I find out who my surprise guests are going to be and so I was really surprised here tonight and we'll be back after the break with a few more surprises.

Eamonn : And now, another surprise guest – Mr Ohn Ith, a man who I’m led to believe (although I can hardly believe it) speaks only the ends of words.

Mr Ith : ...ood ...ing.

Eamonn : Nice to have you on the show.

Mr Ith: ...ice ...o ...e ...ere.

Eamonn: Mr Ith, don't you find it very difficult to make yourself understood?

Mr Ith: Yes, it is extremely difficult.

Eamonn: Just a minute, you're a fraud.

Mr Ith: Oh no. I can speak the third and fourth sentences perfectly normally.

Eamonn: Oh I see. So your next sentence will be only the ends of words again?

Mr Ith: ..T's ...ight.

Eamonn: Well, let's move on to our next guest who speaks only the beginnings of words, Mr J... Sm... Mr Sm... good evening.

(Enter Mr Sm.)

Mr Sm: G... e...

Eamonn: Well, have you two met before?

Mr Sm: N...

Mr Ith: ...o

Eamonn: Well, this is really a fascinating occasion because we have ANOTHER surprise guest - Mr ... oh ... I ... who speaks only the middles of words. Good evening.

(enter Mr I)

Mr I: .... oo ...... ni...

Eamonn: Um, where do you come from?

Mr I: . .. u... i... a...

Eamonn: Dunfermline in Scotland. Well let me introduce you, Mr Ohn Ith...

Mr Ith: ...ood ...ing.

Mr I: ... oo ...... ni...

Eamonn: J... Sm...

Mr I: ... oo ...... ni...

Mr Sm: G... Eve...

Eamonn: Yes, well, ha, ha, just a moment. Perhaps you'd all like to say good evening together.

Mr Sm: G...

Mr I: . .. oo...

Mr Ith: ... d

Mr Sm: Eve...

Mr I: ... ni...

Mr Ith: ... ing.

Eamonn: Well….ha ha . .we'll be back after the break.

Well now, that was three more surprise guests that even I wasn't expecting, and in fact we have another two surprise guests lined up here for you tonight, but with only two hours of the show left I don't think we'll have time to fit them all in tonight, tonight.

To Eamonn and surprise guests,

You have ruined this forum. It used to be good in the old days when Fran (laugh a minute, gag for every occasion and a few bits of Latin thrown in) and Nichonettes were contributing every twenty minutes. It was like home from home. Goodbye!

And talking of canes, Retired Headmaster, do you not find that if you plant your runner beans about six inches apart and then…

I don't agree with Mr.Anonymous.

There's nothing I like more than to come home after a hard day's work in the salt mines of Wembley, put my feet up in the wife and read every message both old and new on the FORUM a few times. Then it's a nice cup of cocoa and so to bed.

Don't you think so, Eamonn?

Well now, I'm sure that I don't know, in fact it's the only thing that I'm sure of in our informal off-the-cuff chat about School Corporal Punishment, but having said that, I am sure that one of my surprise guests will tell us what they think about a nice cup of cocoa after the break.

Well now, that's all we have time for here tonight, which just leaves me time to say finally, in conclusion, that I hope you've learnt as much from our surprise guests about School Corporal Punishment as I have, as indeed I'm sure we all have.

And with that, Goodnight!

Oh bu**er I've missed it.
regards,
schitzophrenic jay

We have recently acquired some very rare footage of the ‘Eamonn Andrews Show’. Although Eamonn is not shown at his most inept (see his introduction for Patsy Anne Noble described in the third post of 'The Sunday Night People who make you long for Monday Morning' thread, on Page 22) it does give an indication of his hopelessness.

http://www.dailymotion.com/BigJohnPeacehaven/video/xjny1_eamonn-andrews-meets-cassius-clay

Did you notice the marvellously hysterical introduction to the show shouted by Jon Benson, doyen of popular TV announcing?