Spamming!

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned helmets on. A man and his wife enter.

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.

Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.

Man (to Waitress): Morning!

Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam bacon spam tomato and spam;

Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...

Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam spam...

Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Wife: Have you got anything without spam?

Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spam!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?

Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)

Waitress: Shut up!

Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam spam and spam!

Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and the Vikings drown her words)

Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

Edited by Nichonettes

What has corp punishemnet got to do with James Bond, UK Freebies, Celtic, 4 track recording, Cubase, Car maintenance and so on.
Just **** off and keep your discussions to yourself.

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by Carl and his mates with horny expressions. A man and his wife enter.

Man (George): You sit here, dear.

Wife (Fran): All right.

Man (to Waitress): Morning!

Waitress (Dominum, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!

Man: Well, what've you got?

Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spank; egg bacon and spank; egg bacon sausage and spank; spank bacon sausage and spank; spank egg spank spank bacon and spank; spank sausage spank spank bacon spank tomato and spank;

Carl and his mates (starting to chant): Spank spank spank spank...

Waitress: ...spank spank spank egg and spank; spank spank spank spank spank spank baked beans spank spank spank...

Carl and his mates (singing): Spank! Lovely spank! Lovely spank!

Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spank.

Wife: Have you got anything without spank?

Waitress: Well, there's spank egg sausage and spank, that's not got much spank in it.

Wife: I don't want ANY spank!

Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spank and sausage?

Wife: THAT'S got spank in it!

Man: Hasn't got as much spank in it as spank egg sausage and spank, has it?

Carl and his mates: Spank spank spank spank (crescendo through next few lines)

Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spank and sausage without the spank then?

Waitress: Urgghh!

Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spank!

Carl and his mates: Lovely spank! Wonderful spank!)

Waitress: Shut up!

Carl and his mates: Lovely spank! Wonderful spank!

Waitress: Shut up! (Carl and his mates stop) Bloody Carl and his mates! You can't have egg bacon spank and sausage without the spank.

Wife (shrieks): I don't like spank!

Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spank. I love it. I'm having spank spank spank spank spank spank spank baked beans spank spank spank and spank!

Carl and his mates (singing): Spank spank spank spank. Lovely spank! Wonderful spank!

Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.

Man: Well could I have her spank instead of the baked beans then?

Waitress: You mean spank spank spank spank spank spank... (but it is too late and the Carl and his mates drown her words)

Carl and his mates (singing elaborately): Spank spank spank spank. Lovely spank! Wonderful spank! Spank spa-a-a-a-a-ank spank spa-a-a-a-a-ank spank. Lovely spank! Lovely spank! Lovely spank! Lovely spank! Lovely spank! Spank spank spank spank!

Edited by Nichonettes

Attention Forum Moderator:

Why are you spamming Usenet with a come on to your forum? It has nothing to do with any of the groups that I've seen your junk posting appear in.

I ask you to stop immediately.

Dear Madam,

We have no knowledge of ‘Usenet’ and therefore could not possibly have sent ‘spam’ thereto.


Could you possibly explain further?

Anne T Spam,

Are you the wife of Uncle Spam?

Dear Sarajane,

It is my most sincere hope that we receive an explanation from Anne T Spam regarding his extraordinary message of this evening. To me, the word ‘spam’ signifies a type of inferior meat eaten by those who are unfortunate enough to live north of Bedford. It was only after consulting the lovely Nichonettes that I learnt that it has something to do with unwanted mail sent via the Internet.

Your remark concerning ‘Uncle Spam’ may be lost on Anne. He is, to the best of our knowledge, a Colonial.

I here offer a true story that uses the same formula as ‘Uncle Spam’ in the hope that it might give Anne an insight into our British culture of which we are justifiably proud.

When I was Director of Music and Sociology Modules at a school in the south of England, we had on the staff a Geography teacher from the bleak West Riding of Yorkshire. One day he announced in the staff room that he “couldn’t stand ‘Southern Nancys’ any longer” and would soon be taking up a teaching post in Birmingham. I told him that to be accepted in that great Midland city one had to acquire the local accent and that a simple means of so doing was to say the words, with a pause between each, ‘well oil beef hooked” and then to say them at a normal speed. He did so and people began to snigger except for one rather prim female History teacher who said “filthy beast.” He repeated the sentence several times, and amid increasing laughter finished up by saying “I can’t see owt wrong wi’ that”. His acquisition of the local accent proved so successful that he is now a head teacher in a Black Country sink school.

Ralphy

Usenet is also known as newsgroups.

The spam was posted with a no-archive header set so Google doesn't keep a copy. But somebody quoted the original spam in a reply.

http://groups.google.com/groups?selm=Jjzj9.54052%24jG2.3261020%40bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net&oe=UTF-8&output=gplain

This is one example of many postings to inappropriate newsgroups.

We are greatly indebted to you, Madam, for sending the example of ‘spam’.

We note the perpetrator of this outrage is one “Melanie” who writes from a hotmail address, and have to tell you now that we have no knowledge whatsoever of this person.

There are those who are not sympathetic to our cause, and we can only assume that by unnecessarily advertising our Forum they are striving to undermine the important sociological research that we are undertaking here, and to discredit the great tradition that is ours through William Penn.