I notice around 50% of the posters to this message board have female* names. This is a much higher percentage than usual for a message board of this nature. So, are these posters genuinely female or are they men acting out a sexual fantasy?

*'Kim' was a man's name when I was born. I was forced to use 'Anthony' at school for religious reasons. I've never used 'Anthony' before or since. None of my friends at school knew who 'Kim' was and none of my friends outside of school knew who 'Anthony' was.

There is only one contributor to this forum of whom I am certain that she is who she says she is, and that is the wonderful Steff.

What about me, Miles? You KNOW me!

Dear Nichonettes,

Please accept my apologies. I did not include those on this forum that I know personally assuming that they would know that I know them personally and therefore would not expect to be included in a list of those of whom I am certain, although there are one or two of whom I am not certain, even though I know them personally.

I have been rather confused of late. The reaction of Fran to our ‘Missionary Statement of Position’ on August 18 was a heavy blow indeed. I had always thought of her as a friend and her sudden disappearance has caused me great concern. The allegations that she is not the green-knickered female that I once adored have only added to my distress.

You will know that I am of an obsessive nature and have recently been spending a great deal of time on Brighton Pier thinking of Steff. Nowadays I only mix with people from the third division and to read the articles of someone who has the first-class mind of Steff is one of the very few pleasures that I have in this miserable existence, cast off like an old beer crate. She reminds me of those wonderful people I knew in my youth, who are now alas gone but not forgotten.

As the poet had in 1938:

A lady of quality gracious and sweet
If fate is kind to me, someday we’ll meet.

Of that, however, there is little hope and I now feel utterly wretched. It is most unlikely that I shall contribute to this forum again and have informed dear old Ralphy of my intention.

With my very best wishes for the future,

Miles

OMG, I spent a considerable part of my early adulthood on Brighton Pier dreaming of unrequited love. I hope it doesn't take you as long as I did to find it, or failing that, that you are at least able to find some happiness within the beer crate upon which you've been cast.

Dear, dear Steff,

Yesterday I was without hope and vowed never again to contribute to this forum. I am however, deeply moved by your words of comfort and would just like to say that if ever you are on Brighton Pier and you see a tall, slim, over-dressed fifty-year-old chap who might once have been debonair but now looks like a raddled old pimp, it will be me, so please say ‘hello’. And I would be most honoured if you would be my guest for tea at the restaurant adjacent to Hove Lagoon to which we might repair after a short seafront stroll. As the pop group had it in that wonderful year of 1967, ‘All You Need Is Hove’.

Miles

Dear Miles,

I miss you. I miss the snide bastard Ralphy and the adorable Nichonettes. You made this forum a home from home.

If you still read the messages here send me an email and I’ll come and see you in Brighton. I’m not too sure about Hove, though. Do you know the difference between them? In Brighton they shove cocaine up their noses: in Hove it’s Vick inhalers.

Hugs and fuggs,

Gillian

Dear Gillian,

Here’s something super for you to sing in Hove. I wish I had written it myself personally.

If you want to live to ninety-three,
If you want a smashing cup of tea,
If you want to take a trip without the LSD
It’s easy!

All you need is Hove!
All you need is Hove!
All you need is Ho-ove!
Hove is all you need.

Pensioners smoke joints in New Church Road.
They drive so slow they must be bleeding stoned.
Lots of second-hand shops with that second-hand shop smell,
It’s cheesy!

All you need is Hove! etc.