For over forty yrs i have been wondering about how people get into spanking. In my case it was with reading Just so Storys by Kipling and thinking about Miss Lawrence a teacher at junior school. She didn,t actually whack anybody but i dreamed about it and have lots of storys to tell if anybody is interested

Good God, man! Don’t you think we’ve had a guts-full of that sort of rubbish already? If I want fantasy I just have to ride off into the depths of the Abyss where there’s bloody mountains of the stuff written by men whose wives are menopausal in Wembley.

No! Give me some of the trousers down old-style school canings like they used to discuss in the Pants Club.

Miss Lawrence made her classroom a home from home. She was a warm hearted woman who had no trouble with disipline because all us ten year olds loved her but i was the only one to admit it to my friend Fat Freddy. He told all the others and they bullied me. At playtime they formed a circle round me and pointed at me and shouted ‘You love Miss Lawrence’ It made me cry and i said to them ‘When i get big i will be a very important man with a big car and a big house in North London and when you come and ask me for a job i won,t give you one so there! Then i went and told Miss Lawrence hoping that she would give me a smack on the bottom but she just said ‘don,t be a ninny’.
Later at night tucked up in my little wooden bed i imagined that she was giving me a piano lesson on the Grieg Concerto and every time i palyed a wrong note she gave me a smack on the bottom. My little hands couldn,t stretch to the opening big A minor chord and so every time i tried i got a smack on the bottom. She smacked me with a slipper while i was bending over the piano stool. She caned me with my pants on while i was lying across the keyboard. She put me inside her grand piano and pulled out one of the strings and hit me on the bottom with it.
Next time i’ll tell you about how i fantasised about how Miss Lawrence put me in a tea chest called the box of whacks and then smacked my bottom.

There are a lot of people who think my stories are boring but if you don,t like them you don,t have to read them do you. I always write them in my homely style because that is how i am. I went to a few posh prep schools including Highgate Junior, but i was bullied because i was not much good at English. When this forum first started i desperately wanted to be one of the so called click but i was not accepted because i couldnt do the subjentive mood or the long sentences that they like and im trying to do a long sentence now like scott Fritzgerund.

Ive written about miss Lawrence before but im going to do it again and tell you about the box of whacks. In the corner of her classroom was a box which was filled with canes and tawses and martinets and cat of nines tails and rhino whips. One day at half past two we were doing sums and i was being bullied by the girl who sat next to me and i startd to cry and miss Lawrence said ‘ if you don,t stop crying james i shall give you something from the box of whacks and then where will you be’? and so i stopped. When i got home i had my tea and then i went up to my cosy little room and wished that Miss Lawrence had put me head first into the box of whacks and i was bent over with my feet on the floor and my bottom up on the air. Then she pulled down my grey flannel shorts and gave me 12 delicious strokes with the blackboard ruler.

The next day my mum shouted at me because there was a stain in my bed.

I have always been a follower, never a leader, so when one of the people who i thought was my friend on this forum said he was leaving i said i was leaving too and then he told me to go on a mad spam rampage but i couldn’t do it on my own and had to get his help.

All this reminds me of the time that miss Lawrence got us to listen to ‘Guantanermera’ or something like that. And after the first bit she said ‘can anyone tell me what the song is about’? I had only been bullied three times that day so brimming with confidence i said ‘the words mean i am a truthful little boy from north London and before dying i want you to smack my bottom’ and she said don,t be so silly James and I cried and got bullied again

Does anyone bother to read the rubbish that James writes?

I know I do.

If you do not like fantasys then tough but at least i keep mine to my own special thread.

You may be suprised to know that even though i went to a lot of posh prep scholls i was bullied at all of them and now i,m being bullied at work even though i went to a lot of posh prep schools i have,nt done too well for myself.

On Friday i was being bullied by a woman who works in the canteen. She gave every body else chips except for me and i said if youd had Miss Lawrence for a teacher you would have got a smack on the bottom and i went and told the supervisor and pretended she was Miss Lawrence and asked her if she would give the women in the canteen a smack on the bottom but the supervisor just said, “if i were you i,d go and tell a supervisor” so i clocked off early.

But when i got back to my lonely little room in Brentford i pretended that the supervisor had got the woman from the canteen into the office and had made the woman from the canteen put on green knickers like they used to wear in Wembly and had given her six of the best with a slipper while she was bending over touching her toes and then the supervisor gave me six on my bare bottom and i,m dreading to go to work tomorrow.

Just because no one ever replies to my thread dosent mean that no one ever reads my stories because i know they do.

It was a terrible day at work today. When i got there the supervisor told me to come into her office and asked me why i had cocked off early on Friday i said that i was upset and she said that it was a disciplinary matter and what had i done for the good of this firm during the thirty five years that i had been there. I said that last year i sang my own special version of ‘Guantanermera’ – ‘i am a truthful little boy from north London’ – on the coach on the works outing, but she said that was not good enough and so i asked her if it were discipline would she smack my bottom? She said that i was a pervert and told me that she would make an appointment for me to see the occupational therapist.

James,
fantasy aside, if what you say is true (about bullying at work), then your employer is breaknig the law. Go to your union and seek help. If you are not in a union, you should join without delay.

I am sorry you were bullied at school and imagine you have some psychological difficulties. indeed your loneliness and being upset are worrying signs. I strongly advise you to seek professional help. Tell your employer (in writing) that you need help and request that they answer in writing - that way everything is on record if you have to ask the union to take legal proceedings. I come across this all the time.

Take care,

K.

Thank-you K for being concerned about me but i’m ok really, just a bit lonely i suppose. The occupational therapist was alright but she droned on a bit and then i went all blurry and suddenly i was back at Highgate Junior in my little red uniform with Miss Lawrence and she said ‘If you don,t pull your socks up James i shall give you a smack on the bottom and i don,t want to hear any more of Guantanermera from a big little boy like you’
If i get lots and lots of requests i will do another of my stories about the time Miss Lawrence caned the whole class because they were bullying me.

Seeing all the new posts about trains reminded me of something that happened when i was in Miss Lawrence class. I am not going to put my story in the trains thread because i want to put it here in my own special thread of stories which i know you all like to read.

I was being bullied at my prep school by two girls and the rest of the class, and so i thought i would take my new Thomas the Tank Engine book and show it to these girls and then they would not bully me. So at playtime i showed them the book and pointed to one of the pictures and said ‘Look, Sharon and Samantha, that is a picture of me – James the Red Engine’ and they said ‘no it isn,t - THAT is you, the Fat Controller. And then they both wrote ‘Jams’ in red pen on my book next to a picture of the Fat Controller and i cried.

I went up to the staff room where Miss Lawrence was having a nice cup of tea and told her what the girls had done. Then i said ‘Please Miss Lawrence , i want you to take the Jerusalem whip out of the Box of Whacks and make those girls bend right over your desk and then lift up their skirts and pull their navy blue knickers down to their knees and give them twenty lashes each on their bare bottoms so that the blood runs down to their feet.

Miss Lawrence looked at me in a strange way and said ‘Well you are fat, James, but you are not a controller. You can,t even control yourself. And then i cried again.

I hope you like this and all my other memories. Please keep sending your comments, especially Sarajane, about them.

A lot of you will have worked out that i have Aspergers Syndrome and when i was at school it wasn,t known about and people just said i was nuts and i was bullied. One day in Miss Lawrence class i was being bullied during Quiet Time and so i opened my desk to take out my railway timetable book and i noticed that the desk had a very complicated mechanism for opening and closing it and i looked at it for eleven minutes and i came to the conclusion that it worked on the same prniciple of leverage as my penis. So i took my penis out and pointed it at the girl sat next to me who was bullying me and said ‘ Im going to do a wee on you’ but i couldn,t wee and then i noticed that my penis had gone all red and it had a hole in it and so i said ‘Miss Lawrence my penis has gone all red and it has got a hole in it. And Miss Lawrence said ‘Put it away James. You,ve seen it before and anyway its rude to talk about it at Quiet Time’

And then i cried and got bullied again.

James, have you read my post re. school CP and padding? Can you shed any light on the Birth of a Nation programme?

dear NICHOLAS

I started looking for your school cp and padding post at 9.41 this evening and at 9.57 i had to give up because i could not find it and then i went back and read lots of posts from last year until 10.05 and then i posted this Which thread has your school cp and padding post in it? I would like to read it.

What is the Birth of the Nation programme and what thread is it in? I cant shed light on it.

James, I was just adding a post to your own School CP on TV/films - padding. Maybe it was another James who posted it! Birth of A Nation was a one-off drama on ITV in I think the early 1980s, starring Jim Broadbent, which was about an inner-city secondary school with a slipper-happy head, deputy head and PE teacher. You see the PE teacher slipper one lad a couple of times, and the deputy head slipper both a young boy very mildly, and an older one very severely while held down by other teachers. The impact on all of them looks very real and, as I mentioned regarding KES, the caning that those boys took in the film were very real indeed!

dear NICHOLAS

Sorry about the confusion. There is more than one James. I found the post of the other James today at 7.09am and i am the James that only writes about Miss Lawrence and my days at junior school.

The message ‘Books’ is the funniest thing I’ve read for ages. Sorry James, I know you take your writing seriously and your memories are very important to you, but thank you for giving me a bloody good laugh.

Im going on my holidays tomorrow down to Highgate for a few days. Im going by train on the 1047. This reminded me of the time that Miss Lawrence took us on a train on a school trip to Hampton Court. I wrote down in my little notebook that i kept with me all the time that we got the 10.01 and got to Hampton Court at 1054. And then we went in the maze and i was with Sharon and Samantha who bullied me and when there was no one about and we had got lost i got my camera out and asked them if i could take a picture of their knickers at 11.15am and then they said ‘yes’ and then they ran off and told Miss Lawrence.
Oh why do i bother no one reads my memories.

Rattle my cage and i can be quite beastly you know!! Yes i don't know what the game is but they don't seem to want to let bygones be bygones. A bit of teasing is okay but i think publishing email addresses in beyond that and i shall do my best to be a nuisance.

I don,t know why somebody has posted my message about being beastly here. I wrote it a long time ago and sent it to another board so i did not send it here but i am sending this because i have just seen the posts from Bob in America about the cadets and it reminded me that when i was in Miss Lawrence class we used to do marching on Fridays at 3 10pm.

At 3 07pm Miss Lawrence used get the wind up gramophone out and then we would march around the hall to the tune of Old Comrades but i never led the march because i was bullied and other children got to the front of the line first. As well as marching we also used to do ****y dancing at 2 15 on Wensdays and i didn,t like this so one day at 3 30 i stole the country dancing record – on one side was the Dashing White Seargeant and on the other was Black Nag – and took it home and hid it under my little bed.

The next day Miss Lawrence asked who had stolen the record and i didn,t own up because i was positive certain that no body knew it was me but the next day when i opened my desk i saw that someone had put twenty boxes of gramophone needles in there and i cried.

why didnt it let me write country dancing??

Just because i haven,t done any of my stories lately i don,t want you to think that i am not here. I am here every day sometimes at 11.06 and then again in the afternoon at 3.27. I read everything at least twice but i,m not sending any more of my stuff because i had no feedback and was not appreciated and the doctors say that they think that my Aspergers can be treated in time.

I forgot to tell you i got banned from British Spanking one day at 4.37pm because i wrot to them about the time i got smacked by Miss Lawrence on a nature ramble and they said that they didn,t want under aged spanking on their site but they do allow filth like my former friend Jockie writes.

James has been very busy writing for another forum under the name of Jeremy or ‘Jelly’ as he sometimes signs himself.

See his profile at:

http://p197.ezboard.com/bwhirligigtv.showUserPublicProfile?gid=jelly@whirligigtv

There are links to his latest contributions.

I am not Jeremy and i am not Jelly. He is nothing like me at all. I only write under the name of Jams. He is a half-wit. I started reading his posts at 8.34pm. There are 5902 of them.

At 8.59 pm I found a picture of Jeremy Jelly. He does look a lot like me - especially the baby one - but it is not me.

http://www.whirligig-tv.co.uk/tv/messageboard/gallery2.htm

This is such an interesting thread i think it deserves more prominence. My aspergers is growing in the garden and i am taking pills for the nostalgia. How is the megalomania? Still pretty bad i suppose. In a way its nice to stiil be remembered. Even if not at all fondly. Silly bearing grudges dont you think. I mean satires okay if you have some talent for it. I am willing to shake hands in frank manly fashion metaphorically speaking Ralphy. Let bygones be eh!! And furthermore i promise not to bore you with any more stories. Glad to see SJ's still around. Great forum its been like a second home to me all these years. I know you hate me but i forgive you all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS Sorry i am getting tired and emotional. I'd better stop. And dont give up Ralphy you have real talent. Love you all.

I am very glad that you feel well enough to post again James dear, and I was sorry to hear about your marriage troubles. That nasty man Ralphy left us a long time ago so you need not be frightened about writing here any more. Nobody hates you.

It would be so much nicer if you could just keep to the one name. You can be either James or Jams.

I don,t know if i have told you that i have a bit of Aspergees and that is why i have not wriiten for some time - 14 months and 12 days - and i went to the dr and said i think i have a touch of aspergees and she said - yes, you have a touch of aspergeess and this was at 11.27 and i had to wait 2 weeks and 5 days to get an appointment even though i rang the dr at 8.28am.

So she sent me off to the clinic for treatment. And i go every week at 10.30 and some times i have to wait to be seen by the clinic man and then i get angy, but i still have to wait like last week when i was waiting til 10.38 but i did not get angy and kept myself busy by working out how the door lock worked with a compass.

The clinic man says i am doing what he calls inapropite touching and by this he means how i rub myself against womens bottoms at the bus stop in the morning at 7.32. But i am on the mend and i wish that my aspers had been discovered years ago when i was at Highgate Junior and was being bullied by Sharon and Samantha and that other girl whose name i can,t remember but used to wear Donland Duck socks and knickers. They would join hands and form a circle round me and dance around me in an anticlockwise direction by the old schoolhouse door where we used to tumble through at four, or more usually 6 minutes past four and shout <Jams, Jams, he got legs like yams> and i cried and went and told Miss Lawrence and she said <don,t be such a great big babby> and i cried again then went home for tea and self abuse. This message posted at 5.29pm.

I must admit that I have thought about rubbing myself against womens bottoms at the bus stop. In fact, I've thought about it since I was about 14 years old.

 But, I thought that was called frotting rather than  aspergers.

I was once caught in a large throng of rushing people most of whom were high/tranced -- and quite sweaty. We were all being pressed, squashed up against the backs of whoever were in front of us and well, some of the men er were enjoying it a little too much.

It was impossible to break away from the stream of bodies -- we were carrying each other along -- it was sometimes hard to keep my feet on the ground as well as my head up for air. I wore around my neck a large camera with a long lens that I'm sure poked uncomfortably (I hope) into whoever was in front of me. There was only one, long way to the end of the street, and I was glad when I got there.

It was the end of a Thaipusam day -- hundreds of people going down from the hill down the one street that led into the rest of the city -- Penang of course.

I am so pleased that BobT in America and Saro in America have joined in my Childhood Dreams at 7.48pm BST and 5.26.am BST - but it is Monday over there.

I told the clinic man that I get a lot of pleasure out of frottage and it works like this - if you can exert a pressure of at least 25lbs per sq inch with a penile angle of at least 30o then you experience the maximum benefit no matter what kind of knickers (panties to BobT and Saro) the woman is wearing or not wearing. This message timed at 11.11am

My Dear Chap, I think you should try and get out more as you are becoming boringly obsessive. Why has the dear departed James upset you so much? I was going to suggest you see a psychiatrist but i fear its too late! Surgery might be the only answer. Either spleen or brain, perhaps both. And please in future don't try parody its only for the intellectually gifted among us. You lack the necessary lightness of touch. Reading this thread is like witnessing someone using a sledgehammer to crack an egg.

It does seem peculiar how this forum suffers from malicious and petty minded people pursuing endless and to the rest of us mind numbing personal vendettas. Go and frot somewhere else you silly little man

It was very nice of James Aunt Agatha ie James (Jams) to write to me like that and i hope he never gets Aspers. I know he does not include me in the petty minded because the man at the clinic says that those who has got Aspers is in fact BIG MINDED with lots of numbers going on inside and mystic words like vestibule. This message timed at 18.00

I got back from the clinic at 11.01 and turned on my computer at 11.03 and then i saw that people are writing about new members and newer members and old members of which i am. At 11.07 it reminded me of nearly being a member of the chess club at Highgate in my little red blazer and one day Sharon and Samantha had not bullied me so i said to them - i am going to join Mr Thompson,s chess club at 12.30 today and that will show you that i am much more cleverer than you because only clever children get to play with Mr Thompson in this school. And Sharon and Samantha said - at least i thought they said - No, Jams, you can,t join because you havn,t been asked. But what they really said was - No, Jams, you can,t join because you havn,t been ARSED. They knew that Mr Thompson was a dirty man and i did,nt know that because when you have Aspergereres there are a lot of things you don,t know like who is a dirty man.

Anyway when they said - No, Jams, you can,t join because you havn,t been ARSED/asked, i believed them and i cried and did not go to be a member with Mr Thmpson at 12.30 and even though Sharon and Samantha bullied me again i am grateful for them saving me from a fate worse than death.
This message timed at 12.13

I want to thank everybody here (except Newer Member) for allowing me to come back to the forum. In case you didn,t know i am now writing as Miss C. Vere. The man at the clinic suggested it last Tuesday at 10.23 but he said don,t go on another mad spam rampage like you did in 2002 or that nasty man Ralphy will come back and everybody will know about Highgate Junior School, Sharon and Samantha and a lot of other things like that.

I still get confused of course and Lotteo is right - Martin is George,s GRANDSON since 1968 (July).
This message timed at - Sunday.

and rather a sad and silly man if i may say so. I must have deeply upset you many years ago and obviously you are one who nurses grudges. Obsessional behaviour needs treatment. Seek help before its too late. I shall call back in a few months time and hopefully you will have drowned in your own bile by then or at least learnt to let bygones be.

This is a tear-jerking performance.

http://www.dailymotion.com/BigJohnPeacehaven/video/xkjus_let-bygones-be-bygones

Just to remind you all - on November 29 2000 at 915pm (21.00) I wrote -

miss Lawrence got us to listen to ‘Guantanermera’ or something like that. And after the first bit she said ‘can anyone tell me what the song is about’? I had only been bullied three times that day so brimming with confidence i said ‘the words mean i am a truthful little boy from north London and before dying i want you to smack my bottom’ and she said don,t be so silly James and i cried and got bullied again

So it was really nice after being away for 15 days and 4hrs and 38 minutes that i come back to find there are FOUR fantasy versions of Guantenermaera on dialmotion.com and they are all different except the last two of which the last one is a continuation of the third one after 1minute and 4 secs. And i have been singing along but with my own fantasy words (as above in line 5 above) and i also enjoyed Let Bygones be Bygones at 7.30 and this made me think of Sharon and Samantha again and how they bullied me in my little red uniform and i used to think of the days to come when i would get big and be a very important man with a big red F O car and a big house in Highgate and S and S would come to me and say - Please Jams we didn,t mean to bully you and now because you,re such an important man in Novenber 2006 will you give us a job because we are destitute because of the slump. And then i will say - no, go away.

This has,nt happened yet but it will if i keep on with Guantanermarea at 11.27am after the clinic. This message timed at THURSDAY EVE.

I was reading at 0836 today a new message from that man who refuses to renew his subscription. He was writing about nits and thought - yes! i can write about nits with Sharon and Samantha who some readers may not know bullied me when i was at school in north London in my little red blazer. But then i realised that there were no nits at Highgate Junior in my little red blazer like they had at Bermondsey Nutters Primary and so i changed nits to nuts and it all became relevant as i remembered the time i bought some nuts from Mr Patel on the way to school one day.

Mr Patel sold all sorts of nuts in his shop in Archway Road N6. There were peanuts and monkey nuts and cashing nuts and peeking nuts and nuts from French Morocco and Finchley and nuts from all over, but mainly from all over. So i bought a few handfuls for 27p at 0817 and when i got to school i said to Sharon and Samantha <at playtime at 10.13am if you show me your navy blue knickers from the back i will give you my nuts> And they looked and they said <Jams, your nuts are too small. Nobody should have nuts like that. If you put them in water they will grow and only then will we put them in our mouths.>

And then they hit me and my nuts went all over the place and i cried and went off to play with infants.

This message timed at a very wet Monday.

You are definitely the ideal person to write about nuts, James.

The last time i saw Sharon and Samantha who bullied me at Highgate Junior in my little red blazer with Mr Thompson was when they said i was a burka in a parka and i wrote about it in the thread called SAVED BY THE BURKA.

All these years later i still think about them and wonder whatever happened to them. Did they get married and bully their husbands in the dining room? Or did they turn out to be a couple of lesbens who wore navy blue knickers and rubbed themselves on each other while wearing them? Sharon was always the dominant one and i can imagine her giving Samantha a good slippering like i used to pretend that Miss Lawrence used to do at Highgate Junior in my little red blazer.

Sharon and Samantha if ever you read this, i want you to know that i forgive you for all the bullying and calling me <Jams> in the playgound and i would like to see you agin.

Dr Crotch at the Aspers clinic said it would be good for me to write something where i don,t once mention time - because i am obsessed with it, so i have done that.
This message sent at 11.06

I have been reading the messages on here about buying records and the top 40 pop at 10.53 and it reminded me of when my sister bought <Jailhouse Rock> on a RCA 78 at 3.31 in 1958 for 6s 31/2d.

It was a really good record to have and in the playground at 10.09 i told Sharon and Samantha that it was in my house and they said <You are a big fibber Jams. And if you are not then tell us what is on the other side>. I had listened to <Jailhouse Rock> 268 times before school in my little red blazer, but had only listened to the other side once and sometimes i hear things that are not there and i said to them <The other side is DREAM ON ICE by Elvis Presley.> They laughed at me at said <Don,t be so silly Jams> and then they kicked me and sang to the tune of the song

We won,t ever kick you once
We,ll kick you twice,
Dream on ice

I see that boozo a former member of this forum has been writing about the clique of this forum and i am very proud to be a member of the clique of this forum along with Looto, Brain 4, SteveM, Danny who has not renewed his subsription, BobT, Special k, Jmny, Skoolcane, KK, BB, JJ, ST, The Curse of Brian, Y Ling on Broadway and loads of others in the background.

As soon as i saw the word clique at 9.14am i remembered being bullied by Sharon and Samantha in my little red blazer at Highgate Junior with Mr Tompson and Miss Laurence who taught us a few French words to help with us going on holidays to Le Harve and the Canaries. And she said that Sharon and Samantha were a clique with three other girls but that was ok. So at playtime at 10.32 i said to them <please may i be in your Clique Sharon and Samantha and three other girls> and they said <no Jams it is for girlies only and anyway it is not clique, it is click and we will let you in our click if you can make you dick click> and then they showed me what that meant by making the joints of their fingers click, but i wouldn’t take my thing out, but i made it click in the bath that evening at 7.08pm.
This message timed.

I was a bit depressed at 09.17 yesterday when i wented to see Dr Crotch at the Aspers clinic, and i told him and at 09.19 he said <why don,t you go and buy yourself something nice from Mr Tesco to cheer yourself up> and so I did.

I bought a book called TENNIS WHITES and TEACAKES at 10.36 and it is a very nice book of bits writen by John Betjeman. He went to Highgate Junior like me and he had a little red blazer like me and he was bullied like me, but by two nasty boys called Jack and Willie, just as i was bullied by two nasty girls called Saron and Shamantha. I can,t be bothered to finish this now because i am going to read my new book all night, so sod the lot of you.

WHO IS THIS TURKEY?

I don't know but he seems to avoid being eaten at either Thanksgiving or Christmas each year

Seeing the word <turkey> reminded me of the day at 12.19 in the playground when Sharon and Samantha said to me <let,s play a game of BIRDS> And i didn,t say anything because i thought they were bullying me again but they asked me again at 12.21 and so i said yes, but only if i can be an eagle and i quoted them a bit of poetry like this

He clasps the crag with crooked hands;
Close to the sun in lonely lands,
Ringed with the azure world, he stands.
The wrinkled sea beneath him crawls;
He watches from his mountain walls,
And like a thunderbolt he falls.

And then they said <No, Jams, you cannot be an eagle because we,ve already got our eagle and our eagle is Moira whose dad owns the bird shop on Highgate Hill, but you can be a turkey>

I said ok and they said that the noise a turkey makes is <gobble> and they got me to say <gobble, gobble, gobble i want to gobble> lots of times to all the girls in the playground at 12.24 and then they went and told Miss Lawrence that i was being rude and i didn,t understand this but Miss Lawrence said <stop being rude James or you will end up in the loony bin and then where will you be>.
This message timed as per usual.

I truly understand how you feel James, it's difficult being a poet these days.

I offer you this for consideration:

Last night I had a dream,
A dream that was so rare.
I dreamed I saw a Sausage,
Flying through the air!

I have quoted this to many females (with firm bottoms) but none have yet offered to take me home and administer discipline to my presented bottom.
Why is this??

With Noel on its way and soon in 17 days and 16 hours my thoughts turned to nativity plays starring me at Highgate Junior in my little red blazer. Sharon was given the part of Mother Mary and said <my soul doth magnify the Lord and my spirit had rejoiced in God my instant saver> and Samantha played the Baby Jesu, meek and mild, infant holy, infant lowly. So one day at 9.33am i said to Miss Lawrence <can i be Father Joseph and snuggle down with Sharon and be able to look at her knickers> And Miss Lawrence said <Don,t be so silly Jams. Miss Mitchell the headmistress with her cane is playing the part of Joseph at 3.30, but i have a very special part for you - you can be a shepherd and carry a crook which i will get for you from the box of whacks.> And Samantha said <Yea, that is mete and right so to do, for Jams is the biggest crook in all the little red blazers> and i cried as she and Sharon pointed at me and said <everybody look, Jams is a crook> But then it all worked out ok in the end because on December 17 at 1.31pm the ceiling fell in and the play was cancelled.

Over to you BOZO! This has left me bewildered.

Thank you for your kind comments monty. Years ago i was a big contributor to this forum but now i am a person non gracias because one day i flipped and went on a mad spam rampage and there was nothing about my little red blazer in the spam and so i lost a lot of friends over it and was in disgrace.

I was browersing at 07.49 this am and was very very pleased to see that Steve M wrote <Jams i can live with>. That is the sort of thing that gives me hope. It’s not much fun when you have to live with Aspergees even though there is help available from Dr Crotch at the clinic on Tuesdays at 10.32 in the month.

Here’s a tip - when you are sending a postcard from France or Andorra put Grande Britannia on the card and not UK on the card and the card will get to the destination quicker than otherwise in the post. I made the mistake of not doing that when i was on a big family holiday in my little red blazer and sent a card to S and S and they laughed at me for putting ENGLAND on it and i got bullied.

This message timed at the new year.

A special surprise is awaiting young master James at the Aspergers clinic. Yes !! Miss Lawrence dressed in suspenders and stockings,and that flimsy basque. She stands proud bending and swishing the School Cane that James recognises from all those years of secret longing in his dreams, he willingly bends presenting his short trouser clad arse for her attention. Then CLUNK! THUD!! he is jolted from his daydream by Gordon Browns great big boot kicking his arse. 'Get back to some gainful slavery at the disabled factory you scrounger' he hears to the roar of approval from the clowns in Westminster.

WELCOME TO THE CAREING SOCIALIST GOVERNMENT MY FRIENDS.

James:

If you think that putting Grande Britannia on a postcard to the UK will please the French postal service, you need some French lessons. I don't speak French, but even I know that if you want your postcards to reach their intended destination in the UK, you should write Grande Bretagne or Royaume Uni.

'Les hommes dans les manteaus blancs' are on their way to you!

Timed at: Armageddon

monty> Thanks for the tip.

Falling Star> Thanks for the tip.

Here’s a tip -
If I was sending you a postcard from Latvia or Remploy i would not put your full name and address on the postcard. I would just put your surname and your postcode on the card and then no one would know who you are or what gender and that would deter criminals.

This message time timed at tea-time, Friday.

I read in the local newspaper at 12.27 yesterday that knock down ginger is making a comeback in the streets of Wokingham. Here,s a tip for those of you that don,t know how to play it. You knock on somebody,s front door and then you run away, so that when they come to the door 38 seconds later there is nobody there. It,s a very good game.

One Sunday afternoon at 3.42 after Sunday School where i went with Sharon and Samantha at 2.19 they said to me <Let,s play a game of knock up ginger> which is like knock down ginger only different and i will explain this to you in 71 seconds time. And Sharon continued <We can go up the Cut where a lot of old buggers live and they won,t catch us when we run away.> And i said <don,t call them old buggers, that is very rude at 3.47 of a Sunday. You must call them old age pensioners.> And Samantha said to me <you swore! i’m telling on you> and i cried and told them not to bully me and they said ok if i did a knock up ginger with them and this is how it works - instead of running away you stand at the old age pensioner,s door and when they come to the door 38 seconds later you shout at the top of your voice <KNOCK UP GINGER!> and only then do you run away and Sharon said that that was called scarper.

So we went up the cut and banged on the door of an old age pensioner and just as the door opened Sharon and Samantha ran away at full speed and i was left there all on my own and i shouted <KNOCK UP GINGER> and a great big man ran out and hit me and Sharon and Samantha pointed at me and laughed and said <Jams, you have been fooled. That is the house of Uncle Frank who is an Olympic athlete> and i cried and went home to tea at 4.23.

In the summer one day at 3.33pm Sharon and Samantha broke friends because of an argument about a skipping rope which was 4 feet 8 and a half inches long. And i stood there in my little red blazer on Highgate Hill and watched them break friends and go off in a huff home for tea.

And thus it was and henceforth that i became their go between at 8.13 the next day when I said to them <I will be your go between like in the book of 274 pages by L P Hartley (1953) All I ask is that you let me see your knickers three times a day and they said ok. But at 11.12 they had made friends again and said to me <Jams, you are disintermediated> Last week at a quarter to ten I told Dr Crotch at the Aspers clinic about this and said that i had learnt a new word <disintermediated> until 12.32 and then his eyes glazed over.

When i was in my little red blazer at 12.18 one year in December i bought Sharon and Samantha a xmas present. It was a pair of navy blue knickers but i could only afford one pair so i said to them - Here is a v nice pair of knickers for you to share and Sharon can have them on Sunday to Wensday until 4.13pm and Samantha can have them for the other times until 21.22 hours.- But they got all uppy - you know what i mean? - and said - Jams - we do not want no knickers from you because we have v special knickers from Woolies which has not yet closed down - and they put the knickers i had got them over my head like a sort of mask and danced round me and sang -Jams is a phantom - and i cried and told Miss Lawrence that i was being bullied at 2pm, but she just rolled her eyes and told me to pull my socks up and straighten my little red blazer or i would not be allowed to take the part of King Herod in the xmas play and i am seeing Dr Crotch tomorrow at 3.33pm.

Hi James


Season's greetings whilst you are hereabouts again.

Nice to hear from you again, and I hope I speak for a large number of fellow posters, too.

I remember an Enid Blyton book when I was small. There was a giant magic slipper flying through the air on its' way to deal with a couple of naughty children, but not golliwogs, as it wasn't a Noddy story, or they'd have been simply put on the bus to Spanking Village.

Let's hope someone revives the airborne slipper tradition this Christmas-it would probably be safer & more comfortable than Danair! May it go all the way to your 2 once-blue knickered friends; revenge is a dish best tasted cold, but I don't think anyone would begrudge 2 red-hot bots just for you.

All the best


Steve M

Now Steve:

You and I have always seen eye to eye until now. I'll leave aside the mention of golliwogs for now (are we even allowed that word in today's PC Britain?), but I must take issue over the question of Dan-Air. Of course it was known to many of us as Dan Dare, but some of my best friends worked for that airline, and whilst it was far from perfect, it had some of the nicest people you could ever meet working there.
Oh the parties! Oh the stories! Well it would take me totally off the thread, but suffice it to say that I more than once saw a cheeky hostess ('cos that's what we called them in those days), taken acoss the knee of a captain at one of the parties for some midemeanour or other, all of which was enjoyed by all concerned - happy days!

Thank you, Falling Star.

My apologies to DanAir. What a fantastic notion.

I must come off of James's post & start a new one.


Steve M

Oh humour!! Where would we all be without a sense of humour children? A smacked bottom to the first boy to stop laughing at this wittily amusing thread! It is several years since I posted on this board and you are still laughing at me. Thank God I have my cherished memories of Miss Ross to keep me warm. Love to Lotta, George the Phoney Headmaster, Sarah Jane, Carl and Matts, Jockie, Biggles, Fran etc.

James, best wishes from Biggles, for your information Jockie is alive and well up North of the border.

If Mike from Ooze does not bother posting here anymore (Only in America! April 5 2009, 5:57 AM) then i won,t bother posting here anymore. (April 5 2009, 8:19 AM)

I also believe in calling a spade a spade and when i said as much to Sharon and Samantha, they said =Jams - you is rasict and we want none of that dirty talk at Highgate Junior School in our little red blazers= at 1pm

Not many people know that i was bullied at school and i was bullied on this board by a v nasty man in Windows98 and i,m going to follow the lead of Mike from Ozone because he seems to know what he,s talking about when he won,t bother posting here anymore.

This missage timed at Palm Sunday.

Well James, I'm very sad that you might be leaving us, I've always enjoyed your posts. I'm very surprised to hear that there is another user of Windows98 on this Forum who has bullied you. I thought that I was probably the only Windows98 user left on the web, let alone on this Forum! Now the only person I've ever bullied on this forum was a chap called Eric, and then only after he pushed me to the point of no return, so it obviously isn't me you're thinking of.

I'd be very interested to know who the other Windows98 user is. I could of course ask Subscriptions Manager if he'd be willing to have a look through the access records. As well as your IP address they show what operating system you use, what browser you use, what screen resolution you use, what you had for breakfast, and a whole lot more besides. However that would be a huge task, and in any case I'm sure that, quite rightly, Subscriptions Manager would refuse. As far as I'm aware the only thing those records are ever used for is to identify people who seek to mislead other posters and manipulate threads by posting under more than one name, which in any case is contrary to rule 23b of this estimable Forum.

Maybe before you go you'd be willing to reveal who the other Windows98 user is and give a link to where he or she bullied you, but I quite understand that you may not wish to do this. I do hope though that you'll change your mind and decide to keep posting here after all.

I am v pleased that you like my messages L_A and i won,t go unless Mike from Az does go in April.

My being bullied on this forum goes back a long long way to the year 2002 when i was one of the first on here but i was bullied by a lesbian and a nasty man called RALPHY who used Windows98 because they all did in the olden days or Windows95 at half past eleven. And then there was that man with the square brackets who went on about Dunkirk and sarajane also.

And i started writing using a lot of different names - some female - like Stevie does now and they didn,t like it and they told me in July 2002 and i got v angy. I wrote my email address on here for every one to see and then RALPHY wrote my email address on here for every one to see and so i got v angy and went on a mad spam rampage, but i couldn,t do it all by myself and so i got someone called the Raving Highlander to help me and i sent 283 messages with a rude word (ars*) in them all.

Things were never the same after that. And now i know i,ve got Aspers with Dr Crotch at the clinic and i,m going there tomorrow for treatment at 11.18am.

James, I am very pleased to find that it was not me who bullied you and that you have decided not to leave this estimable Forum for the time being. I wish you well in your session with Dr Crotch.

I have been v interested in the maths stuff that has been discussed on here by Alan Tourettes, ProfNev and David and with help from DR

Crotch at the clinic i have started to remember doing arithmatics in my little red blazer. We didn,t call it arithmaticals - we called it sums

and sometimes we did music after sums and we called that "sums and drums".

One day during sums before drums at 11.23 Samantha said to me "Jams, what is 39 devidered by 3" And i replied nowing i was right and

correct and truthful "39 divisi by 3 is 184" and Sharon said "That,s right clever dick" And i got v angy and said "don't you talk to me like

that at 11.24, you lump of dog meat. When i get big i will have my own airy plane, just like that man in Ireland who is a bit simple, and i will

crash land on you on Highgate Hill."

And now i have got v hot just thinking about it in my little red blazer and will have to stop there.

This message timed at Saturday or Sunday.

I saw Dr Crotch at the Aspergees Clinic on Friday at 11.34 and i told him how proud i was to be a member of a forum that had in it people with phdees and people in MENSA and at 11.58 he had that faraway look that he sometimes gets and said suddenly ~times up!~ but i told him how i was bullied by Sharon and Samantha in my little red blazer and he said ~OK i can give you another two minutes and eighteen seconds~ at 11.59.

I told him about when we took the 11+ Sharon and Samantha said to me ~ Jams, you won,t pass the examination because you have got an IQ of 87, and to pass the examination on Wensdy at 9.21am you will need an IQ of 298 plus, like we has got and they won,t let you in MENSA either like us when we get big. And I said ~I don,t care. I will be going to Kensal Green Sink School and you will be going to Mary Datchelor with that brainy-brain Linda, but one day i will have a big garden and i won,t let you see it.

Sharon and Samantha were right and i got bullied again in the playground at 3.37.

This message timed at tea time.

I have got very excited reading about Paula F on Tuesday at 4.12pm. Unlike some here, i am not a practicing flagellationerist but if i were then the person whose bum i would like to smack at teatime is the bum of Paula F on Tuesday evening. How i long to give her pops and licks and whupps and whatever else they call them in America and it would help me to forget about Sharon and Samantha at Highgate Junior in the olden days at half past three. I have done a song for Paula F based on her famous ~hidee hi~ song and it goes like this HIDEE HIDEE HUM, I GOT A PADDLE FOR YOUR BUM.

I cannot go on with this because i have got very hot.

About this time of year - December 1 at 8.02pm i often think of the nativity we used to do at Highgate Junior with Miss Lawrence in my little red blazer. On year at 9.48am Miss Lawrence announced that we were going to do =Little Drummer Boy= as a Christmas song for Christmas and she said = Who wants to play the drum?= and i said =i do. I will be the little drummer boy= And i was, but at palytime Sharon and Samantha crowded round me at 10.32 and said =Jams - you cannot be the little drummer boy because our friend Frigging Fred is the little drummer boy and you are just a little bummer boy. And i started to cry and said to them =i will not be no bum boy because i will be Father Xmas and I will come and widdle down your chimney and you won,t get no xmas presents from me neither.
I,m tired now, so this message is not timed like my messages usually are.

The day is ended little drummer boy
Lights out was sounded long ago
So close your eyes my little drummer boy
And dream of the ones that you love so
Reveille will sound in the morning
Once more on parade you will go
So close your eyes my little drummer boy
And say goodnight to all your friends and foes.