1 You wear shoes made of hamster skin, which while comfortable, I find unacceptable.

2 There is far too much facial hair on your neighbours, especially the men.

3 your favourite song is ‘Rabbit, Rabbit’ by Chaz and Dave – why is that?

4 You have not got a sailing ship, tortoise or test tube tattoed on your bottom

5 Your house is shaped like half a rugby ball and is called Weetabix Towers.

6 You do not speak English

7 You do not own a hamster.

8 All your clocks are still set to 1955, the year not the time

9 You wear very cheap suites.

10 You're ten-foot tall.

Great to see Sue Morgan posting again! Don’t-cha think this gal’s got loads-a spunk to tell it like the way it is! Straight to the point with none of this over-sujunctivised I’m-a-nice-chick stuff, but in with the old one-two and no messin’.

Keep-a postin’, kiddo! We love ya!

Sue Moron, ain’t-cha sick of him? A-moanin’ and a groanin’ about the bustiest and lustiest writer on the forum. Get your arse off to Brutish Spunk-up dot com where they’ll love yer for a-whingin’ and a-mingin’.

Employee of Dirty Des? What kind of a name is that anyway? Are you a poof or something? More of a Martha than an Arthur, something like that?

And who's this Sue Morgan of which you speak? A geordie coalminer me, through and through. Me day starts at three in the morning I wrap up warm with me Toon scarf, which was in fact me great, great, great Grandah's and it's been handed down from generation to generation, a bit like Ms. Nickel's shorts. Anyway I spend 19 and a 1/2 hours down the pit then make it to the boozer for last orders where I down 15 pints of real ale before gannin off home, given wor lass a good seein' to until her eyeballs pop out and then get a couple of hours kip before doing it all again.

Anyway, I've got a tenner here. Will that be enough for me to get a pint of that's ghnat's piss that southerners pass of as beer? Maybe I'll even have change enough to buy a Highland toffe anarl!

Best wishes,

Newcastle United.

Sue Moron wrote:
Employee of Dirty Des? What kind of a name is that anyway? Are you a poof or something? More of a Martha than an Arthur, something like that?


Dear Sue,

Your messages have a hypnotic charm which is rarely seen on this forum. They would, however, be even more hypnotically charming if you would refrain from using the word ‘poof’ to describe someone who is of an alternative persuasion.

Thank you.

Karen, my dear credit card fraudster.

I apologise profusely for my lack of decorum in questioning Employee of Dirty Des' sexuality.