Eurovision Song Contest organisers are worried that controversial Russian pop duo 'Tatu' will perform a lesbian publicity stunt on stage.

The pair, whose sexually-provocative videos feature them kissing while wearing school uniforms, have promised an "outrageous" show.

Image-conscious Latvian organisers are preparing to pull the plug on their risque performance, preventing it from bering seen by 160 million television viewers.

It would be replaced by a cleaner, pre-recorded piece.

Tatu are widely-tipped to win Saturday's contest and will sing in Russian, although contestants can use English to appeal to a wider audience.

"We don't know what they will do on stage - you never know with this group," said spokeswoman Ava Jynafan.

"But we will have a taped performance from the dress rehearsal, so we can always switch to that if need be."

The European Broadcasting Union said: "There's a lot of hype and rumour surrounding Tatu but this is a family event and we would not allow lesbianating or anything like that."

No good you gannin' there then!

It's all right, my man, she's no lady.

As ‘Guard’s Wurd’ spreaders will tell you, they that indulge in lesbianation will find themselves breaking out in sores.

“That’s Guard’s way of letting ya know he don’t approve.”

As I walked out one evening to a lesbianation show,
I stopped off at a restaurant where I knew the dykes would go.
I dined on quail and lumps of kale, the memory of it lingers,
But all that the lesbianators got was a handful of fish fingers.

Thought for the day: Does eating fish fingers in a restaurant increase a lesbianator's chances of catching a bird's eye?

Peckham Poet,

Your latest poem, although clever, is filthy!

It reminded me of a girl I knew at school. She was known simply as ‘Fish’.

I once knew a Welsh girl who was extremely fishy.

All day long, she'd sing "We'll Kipper Whelkome in the Eelside".

She never realised how awful she sounded as she was a little hard of herring.

How can anyone dislike C. Nickel when she sends us messages such as those above?

Did anyone see today's Mirror yet? Apparently one of the TATU birds lost a baby not too long ago and also needs surgery to save her voice and career. Methinks it's looking a bit bleak for the wannabe ruski dykes.

No one who contributes to this forum would admit to reading the ‘Daily Mirror’, the editor of which is your grandson, Piers Moron.

no excuses - we aren't interested!

I’m sorry. My last comment was unkind. I have dreadful PMT at the moment.

Thank you for contributing the information. I shall certainly be watching the Contest tonight.

Tatu – weren’t they just great! A-lesbianatin’ and a-masturbatin’ all over the Eurotrash, they certainly taught the band a thing or two about fingering their instruments. And they would have won but for the prim, grim Kraut judges. Shame on you, Fritz! Don’t-cha know that Deutschland is now Dykeland!

Tatu – what a load of rubbish! I’ve heard a cat sing better than those gals. AND they need a few lessons in lesbianating from Jodie Foster. The Ruski commissars know what to do with Dykie Losers – send ‘em off to the Salt Mines!

I watched the whole show! Only for Mr Wogan's wit of course. I didn't think the misses Tatu were up to much but unfortunately neither were our out-of-tune pair. A propos, didn't you think there was a remarkable lack of sexual chemistry between our two scousers? Could that pretty young man be one of us?
Much the best song was Norway's and I am not saying that only because they had the prettiest and most spankable young man.