Here are a few random rambles taken from a lifetime of rambling.

How attitudes have changed in the past thirty years. I remember a teacher in a sink school in Birmingham referring, during a conversation in the staff-room, to some pupils from the Colonies as ‘darkies.’

Only one member of staff raised an objection. She said,

“Please don’t call them that. They really don’t like it, you know.”

I am very interested in ‘quality.’ What is it exactly? We all recognise it when we see it, but can anyone define it?

I am enjoying the speedway serial and it reminded me of another kind of motor cycling which was celebrated in 1962 thus:

If there’s one thing that I like
It’s a burn-up on my bike.
A burn-up with a bird up on my bike.
Now the M1 ain’t much fun
‘Til you try and do a ton.
A burn-up on my bike, that’s what I like.

When my bird decides to turn up
I’m off to have a burn-up
A burn-up with a bird up on my bike.
When I pass a little scooter
I blast him with me hooter.
A burn-up on my bike, that’s what I like.

Just for kicks
I ride all through the night,
My bird hangs on in fright
When I do the ton for kicks.

Here is a place to which I shall be rambling in the near future. The Devil’s Dyke is said by the locals to be named after Jodie Foster.

http://www.devilsdyke.net/devilsdyke.htm

Here’s a song for a rambling man like me:

If you see me passin' by
And you sit and you wonder why
And you wish that you were a rambler, too.
Nail your shoes to the kitchen floor,
Lace 'em up, bar the door
Thank the stars for the roof that's over you.

On Southern Counties Radio at the moment the lovely JoAnne Good and her guests are discussing WD40. In Australia it is marketed as ‘Start You Bastard’.

Those people up north are strange aren’t they? They have their own ebay. It is called ebay gum.

I heard on the radio this morning that Lego is the most popular toy of all time. I was never very good at making models with it, but I did have lots of imagination. When I was fifteen I put over fifty yellow pieces together and said, “Look dad, it’s a dinosaur!” He looked and said, “Why has it got wheels then?”

Where did this wheeled creature live?

Jurassic Car Park?

It’s reassuring to have Lotta rambling along with me.

Jurassic Park is also known as ‘Dinobore’.

Here’s a very old song for Lotta and me to sing together:

We are ramblers
We are gamblers
We’re a long way from home,
And if you don’t like us
Just leave us alone.

Cole Porter, talking in a restaurant with two other people, claimed he could write a song about any subject on earth. One of his companions challenged him to compose a song about the next thing said by the waiter. The waiter approached a woman at a nearby table and they heard him say, “Miss Otis regrets she’s unable to lunch today, Madam.”

Those lucky enough to be listening to Southern Counties Radio this morning between 10 and 11 would have heard JoAnne Good discussing school corporal punishment with ringers-in.

Years ago there was a famous pianist called Edward Rubach. There was also a well-known organist named Sydney Gustard. They never performed together because no one wanted Rubach and Gustard.

Every weekday at 3.15pm I like to take afternoon tea and watch ‘Countdown’ on the television. I have been unable to watch it this week because the guest in ‘Dictionary Corner’ has been Esther Rancid. I cannot bear to look at this horrible old woman. Where did she have her face lift? St. Dunstan’s?

Now that the week with Rantson has finished I can return to watching ‘C****down’ on Monday.

I shall apply to take part in the programme just so that I can say when asking for the numbers, “Two big ones please, Carol.”

She really is lovely.

A clue in the current ‘Private Eye’ crossword reads:

During which drinks are downed, showing Joy has a period (5,4)

The answer brought back memories of something that we no longer discuss on this forum.

Happy Hour!

I have just been listening to this lady on Southern Counties Radio. I am considering visiting her and hope that she will be able to tell me why I have a morbid interest in school corporal punishment.

http://www.janetthompson.org.uk/

Here is a nice piece from an old dear who is a regular contributor to the much-criticised fetish site, from where it will surely be deleted within the next few hours.



I must have been about 7 years old when I saw this film.

It was a Western. A little girl played by Margaret O'Brien goes to stay with her cowboy father. Her parents were divorced and her mother got custody of her.

She (the little girl) tries to runaway back to her mother, because she thinks her father doen't [sic] love her.

At bedtime she starts playing up, wants a drink of water, etc. You know like kids the world over do. Eventually she screams to her father that there is a snake in her bedroom. Her father exasperated tells her to shoot it then. There was a gun within reach, (no idea why) so she does shoot it. Dad then comes running into her room to see the snake lying there dead. He's so relieved that she wasn't hurt, he puts her over his knee and spanks her. She is crying afterwards and puts her arms around his neck and says, 'Daddy you really do love me.'

As I saw this film in the 40's a lot of you weren't even born then. But any Golden Oldies out there who remember it.

As said often, I believe I was born wanting to be spanked, the above is proof.

Although he does not like to advertise the fact, the encyclopaedic squirrel is the world’s greatest Max Bygraves fan and as such will be delighted to know that the final broadcast in the United Kingdom of this wonderful entertainer is to be transmitted on Sunday morning on Southern Counties Radio and can be heard over the Internet.

Poor old Grocer died last night. They say that the unsigned copies of ‘Grocer’s Book of Music’ and ‘Grocer’s Book of Sailing’ are more valuable than the signed ones.

A fact not mentioned in last night's TV obit was that Grocer as a prefect at Chatham Grammar School took part in administering whackings with a plimsoll, which prefects there were allowed to do at the time (early 1930s). When I once saw him interviewed about this he gave the impression that he thought it was a jolly good idea.

Whoops, not Chatham Grammar School but Chatham HOUSE school in Ramsgate. I think.

There is in Brighton a Chinese restaurant called Brighton Wok.

Whoever chose that name ought to be caned.

I have just read a splendid piece by Albert Hall entitled ‘Myth & Reality’ in which he mentions an incident involving salt. This reminded me of the time when there had been many complaints about the school meals and so the cook introduced a new dish called vegetable regina. Jeanette Jones, the prettiest girl in the school, was the first to try it and those who were sitting near her were heard to exclaim “Ooh, smell that regina!” And very soon everybody was having some.

I have just been listening to an interview with Welsh warbler, Katherine Jenkins. She was standing in line waiting to be presented to our Queen and was next to Eric Clapton of whom Her Majesty asked, “And how long have you been playing the guitar?”

I remember reading a piece about the Grocer in my mother's "Womans Own" when he was PM. I think it was an interview with his sister-in-law or something like that. She talked about the time when he was a prefect at school. I vividly remember the sentence "he was a stickler for discipline and once gave a boy six of the slipper for not wearing his cap". A couple of years before that I had had exactly the same treatment from a prefect for the same offence, so I was not too impressed. Having since become a crusty old man, I rather admire the Grocer for maintaining standards.

Alan S

“E mail” is what they say up north when the postman arrives.

This afternoon on ‘C****down’ a scruffy little Herbert named Clive Johnson pinched my line from Ramble 14 when he asked Carol Vorderman for two big ones. This caused Mrs. Mutton, whose tits were fairly knocking out, to flutter her false eyelashes at an even faster rate than usual.

I suspect Master Johnson is a member of this forum and demand that he forthwith be BANNED.

On ‘C****down’ today the word ‘rattan’ came up, and dear, sweet, innocent Susie, an Honorary Life Member of this forum, said it was used making for walking sticks.

Jan, a former teacher on C***tdown yesterday, given NYSNEAECI could only come up with ‘CANES’.

Once a kinky teacher, always a kinky teacher.

The Neanderthal Prescott - two Jags, two jabs and now

TWO SHAGS!

Today is the anniversary of the Dambusters raids on the Ruhr in 1943. This gave rise to the phrase ‘they don’t like it in the Ruhr.’

"A fact not mentioned in last night's TV obit was that Grocer as a prefect at Chatham Grammar School took part in administering whackings with a plimsoll, which prefects there were allowed to do at the time (early 1930s). When I once saw him interviewed about this he gave the impression that he thought it was a jolly good idea."

Yes, I remember seeing that interview. I thought I caught a certain glint in his eye. He did after all become Chief Whip in the 1950s.

Could this be how he maintained discipline among his young chaps on board his race-winning yacht?

The pronunciation of ‘England’ as Eng-er-land, currently used by thousands of Kraut-hating football hooligans, is not new. Back in 1965 Roger Miller was singing:

Eng-er-land swings like a pendulum do,
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two,
Westminster Abbey, the Tower, Big Ben,
The rosy red cheeks of abused children.

Cor,dear old Roger Miller!


He always sang like I thought Jed Clampitt of the Beverley Hillbillies would sound like on vinyl.

Unfortunately, he didn't look much like a guy who could have lived your possible signature tune,King of the Road.


Third Boxcar,Midnite Train;
Destination,Bangor,Maine;
Old wornout coat n'shoes-
Ah don't pay no union dues!


If memory serves,that one was Autumn 1965,with the Who coming into their first great phase to join the Stones,Kinks and Yardbirds as recipients of my 22/6 a week pocket money(3 singles @ 7/6 each).

Denis Law was the king of Old Trafford,Harold Wilson was Prime Minister.........


Mustn't ramble too much-you are better at it!

I once knew a man who was a successful composer of music. He bought a house in a road where all the properties were given names rather than numbers. The house into which he moved was named ‘Ersanmine’ and he wanted to change it to something associated with his profession. He decided on ‘Rondo’. A week after the sign went up, he was in the front garden and a neighbour said to him, “Did you call your house ‘Rondo’ because your name’s Ron and your wife’s is Doris?”

I believe Grocer even had a Plimsoll Line on his yacht.

I wonder if and where the musican's baton was shoved?

Come to think of it, wonder if any teachers employed one for CP?

Would you let your child attend a school where the headmaster, Mr. Price, is known as ‘Buster‘?

Is he so named because he busts kids’ arses, or because he sets his fees lower than any other school in Seaford, and is therefore referred to as ‘Price Buster’?

http://www.eastbournetoday.co.uk/ViewArticle2.aspx?SectionID=577&ArticleID=1435543

I have just seen a report on BBC South Today about a policewoman who told some children that, by pulling conkers from a tree, they were vandalising public property and could be prosecuted. They had gathered two hundred conkers which she took away from them.

The report ended with a quote from the Sussex Police:

“We may not be able to give kids a clip round the ear nowadays, but we can remove their conkers.”

One day when I was fifteen, my father came into my bedroom without knocking and said, “Don’t do that, son. It’ll make you go blind.”

I said, “I’m over here, dad.”

Fifty years ago today the first 'Listen With Mother' was broadcast on the radio.

The programme is to be reintroduced in three versions.
For the poor: 'Listen With Single Mother'.
For the middle income group: 'Listen With Child Minder'.
For the rich: 'Listen with Au Pair'.

Today is Single Mothering Sunday and a special hymn has been composed.

Single mothers shall not shirk,
They’ll leave their babes and go to work.
Staying at home will leave them poor,
Just like Mary in days of yore.

Work, Work, Work
If you’re a single mum.
In the world today,
And in the world to come.

Look at your reflection in the back of a dessert spoon and you will see Andrew Lloyd Webber.

On a visit to Windsor Castle, an American tourist was heard to say, “It sure is a wonderful castle, but why did they build it so close to the airport?”

If we accept that all spanko's are bum fanciers,then how many bum fanciers are spanko's?

Richard

Recent research at the University of Modular Modules (formerly the 10.05 from Sidcup) suggests that while 99.9% of spankos are bum-fanciers, only 105% of bum-fanciers are spankos. The most surprising finding was that 98.67% of contributors to corporal punishment fora on the Internet are knicker-fetishists.

This should keep everybody happy.

http://www.dailymotion.com/rated/Kad_75/video/xphi4_la-bonne-5-sex-scenes/1

Nobody likes to see a cowboy wearin’ women’s clothes,
And nobody likes to think a Western hero’s “one of those”,
But look behind the macho image at those rodeos,
There’s some real peculiar people in the West.

It gets lonesome on the prairie,
But you don’t expect to be bunkin’ down
With a trail boss that’s a fairy.

The gold rush down in ‘Frisco back in 1849
Saw whores galore pour into town, expectin’ to do fine.
But the lure of gold beats pussy and those guys stayed down the mine,
There’s some mighty wealthy people in the West.

From today the smoke-filled bars of Soho and West Croydon will no longer exist and my thoughts go back to those happy times spent with Rachel. She was only the tobacconist’s daughter, but she sold the best shag in the shop.

It was twenty years ago today
C.P. was banned in state schools in the UK.

I always thought Middle Eastern women were sexually repressed until I saw a group of them dancing round their handbags singing, “Iranian men. Hallelujah!”

Recently my right foot has been swollen. The nurse said that I should try putting a bag of frozen peas on it. She could not guarantee that it would reduce the swelling, but all she was saying is give peas a chance.

When you’re in love with a beautiful woman,
IT’S HARD!

Bedroom furniture for young girls with the brand name ‘Lolita’ has today been withdrawn by Woolworths following complaints from sex-obsessed parents.

Will the store also stop selling their range of baby clothes called ‘Herod’?

I once knew a man whose surname was Britton. His friends called him 'Battler' but he never understood why.

I once worked with a guy called Bill Anker, an accountant, appropriately enough.
Could we get him to sign off payments? Could we 'eck as like! He always initialled it and gave it to one of his minions to sign off.
Anyway, one day he HAD to put his signature to a legal document, and we finally got a copy, which was photocopied (no computers in those days), passed around the office, and treasured by those who had worked with him.

I bought some chocolate from Mr. Singh the newsagent today. There was an enormous choice, but eventually I plumped for a bar of ‘Galaxy’ on remembering the television advertisement from years ago.

‘When out on a rally go Brian and Joan,
She always leaves her knickers at home,
And they took new ‘Galaxy’ the chocolate you choose,
So full of milk, it almost moos.’

Formerly called ‘dinner ladies’ (they often gave smacked legs) these people are now known as ‘logistics solutions officers (lunchtimes)’. My thanks to Allison Ferns of BBC Southern C*unties Radio for supplying this information.

Seeing mimi’s mention of the Tiger Moth in one of the 'Fun Posting' threads reminded me of the fact that in the insect world the male gipsy moth can smell the genitalia of the female gipsy moth at a distance of two hundred yards. This is also true if the word 'moth' is omitted.

Credit where it is due, very amusing

During the Cuban missile crisis of 1962, an American politician consulted an astrologer. The astrologer said that he could see nothing after the end of October. So the politician cleared his desk and generally made himself ready. On the first of November the astrologer was knocked down by a bus and killed.

I wouldn’t say my girlfriend is ignorant, but she thinks Fellatio is a character in Shakespeare.

If you want proof that the Beatles are dying in the wrong order, listen to 'Wonderful Christmastime'.

"I'm a man without conviction" sang George O'Dowd.

He was wrong twice.

A sex shop has opened near to Shakespeare's birthplace in Stratford-upon-Avon. To celebrate, the RSC is putting on a production of 'Ann Summers Night's Dream'.

Like many others, watching Paula Flowe perform on video has had a profound effect on me.

I'm much in love with Paula
And will tell her so some day.
I don't want to grope and maul her,
That's not the American Way.

I was pleased to see that Renee the Paddle is keeping up with the jargon of the trendy people when she refers to this Occasionally Happy Circle as the 'Network54 community'. Were that it so.

Anybody who is anybody is part of a community nowadays and here is one advertised by Howard Roberts, Deputy Chief Constable of Nottinghamshire, that I shall be joining in the near future.

He said: "Anybody from the football hooligan community that actually thinks that this [the disbanding of a unit to tackle football hooliganism] is an opportunity would be sadly mistaken because we are fairly confident that we will supply a robust response to any up-and-coming hooligan."