You heard it here first(see Coventry) from me last night:

CASTING'S BEGINNING!!


Tonight, we start casting for a new TV series. We urgently need:-

Blonde vivacious showgirl to do passable imitation of Vivienne Van Damme.

Dozy looking older man, who looks old enough to be her Dad, but is her husband.

Cuban band-leader, TV exec & host, and ultimate greaseball to replace the greatest oilslick I've seen in 54 years-Desi Arnez!

All these will support our Daffy redhead/Kookie blonde/Slinky brunette heroine.

It's time for:--------------


I LOVE LOTTA!!!!

coming to a TV station somewhere near you soon!!



And NOW, in a sensational development, we have the script for episode one.

Lotta finds her mailbox full of phished e-mails from spanking fantasists, and has only the next 60 minutes to save the forum and the world from the porkie merchants.

All the time, Lotta has to fight off the hordes of admiring men disguised as guillemots, French schoolgirls and late 80's editions of Bunty, AND avoid being sent to Coventry by the Mysterious Capstan Scarlet, who only smokes full-strength when dressed in red, and knows the secrets of what nuns can do with chidren, based on the alleged non-business end of a feather duster.

AND, unbeknown to our heroine, on a trailer, somewhere on a British Motorway, a VERY large trailer in fact, an entire lake has been spirited away from a retired headmaster somewhere near you, and is being transported to a secret destination in the Midlands,cunningly disguised as an obviously-flawed "factual" M/F school CP posting!

Soundtrack by The Exploding Penguins(Don't ask!)!

brilliant, intercourse the Penguins

Steve, you have excelled yourself! I hope the lake won't create any waves for you. And by any chance is the full strength smoker a 2 packet a day man? And does Lotta become a cyber stamp collector from all the emails?

And who said Spike Milligan's shoes would never be filled?

I LOVE LOTTA

Episode 2 sees our heroine investigating-as INSPECTOR CLUELESS!

Just for once, a post regarding school CP comes along with irrefutable evidence of M/F bare bottom behaviour. It look likes the Inspector's gonna be pounding the beat in Noddy's home town soon.

And then, was that a police box on the corner;could it be a copy of the Botanic Verses CD for sale on E-bay OR

Is it a Tardis? See Lotta switch into super-heroine INSPECTOR FEARLESS mode as she risks time travel to the murky depths of 1966 Copstone and enters the world of retro-investigation without bogus facial hair,ham foreign accents or green gym knickers!!

Can she survive the world of Blue Meanies, Pepper People and the Seekers? Will her knowledge of Bob Dylan lyrics get her out of trouble or into serious slippering situations-tune in and find out-YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!

Was this before or after Lotta crossed the Andes by frog?
There was another bunch of tosser's who claimed to do that but I recon Lotta was the first.

EPISODE 3-I LOVE LOTTA

Boy, it's a tough one this week for our red-headed rapscallion/blonde bombshell/dusky doxy!

Lotta wakes up &-----------Who IS she married to?

Is it DEZI, smarmy host of Countdown, and an alleged source of spanking stories re Carol Vorderman?

Or is it REZI, poster extraordinaire, who's left the living room in such a state before storming off to lead his Cuban Band in the latest hotcha Mumba namber, as word games go haywire on air!

And Dave the Chamelon drops in for advice on how to ride a bike convincingly in public without the PR men & acolytes too visibly a few yards behind in car with fresh chameleon suit at ready!

And wacky Swede Sven Goran Goran Gone consults Lotta about the World Cup-can SHE persuade the Brazilians,Italians,Argentinians & French that just because someone SAYS they won the world Cup doesn't mean they actually ever did? Can SHE persuade the Germans that, when the tournament actually starts with just Germany & England, just because someone says it's about football, winning it COULD be down to who gets their towels down first by the pool in the spa town of Mistingpostiesbaadermeinhoffumloutstrassen, leaving Wayne Rooney to kick the one and only goal of the Final with his one good foot past the non-existant Oliver Kahn?

Tune in again, it's more than fun,it's a lifestyle!

I LOVE LOTTA episode-4


Once more things defy the laws of physics:-

Our little minx takes time off from the greatest debate since the days of Archimedes(see Cheeky girls!) and goes investigating Stateside!

The paddling States are hit by the biggest invasion since Ulysses S Grant and 1865-yep,it's America's foremost female private investigator-and we all know what that means, don't we children-A DICKLESS TRACEY!!

Guberatorial elections are turned on their head everywhere as a series of candidates emerges from the forests, swamps, mountains and bayous all running on a Stop-That-Needless-Paddling-at ONCE ticket.

Soon the entire Senate & Capitol is full of racoons,'gators,coyotes,mockingbirds and grizzly bears-at last G Doubya has the chance of an intelligent conversation!

Just in time,Lotta takes the sky-blue Tardis back to Coventry:-she's picked up the Golden Ticket for-Big Brother! Soon the entire nation's enthralled as each and every housemate begins to doubt that they've ever done anything they thought they'd done and run screaming from the compound.

Then, Lotta turns to Davina McCall, makes a citizen's arrest(impersonating a human being), and ends the entire horror FOR EVER!

And there's just time for cheesy chips and crumpets with the bedtime triple martini and the 1984 Bunty annual!