Newspaper report:-

Head of linguistics at Lancaster University, Tony McEnery, led a study for Tesco’s who complained jobbers are lacking basic verbal skills.

Research showed Teenagers use just 20 words for a third of everything they say. Using words like “yeah , no, like, what” etc
Teens use only 12,682 words in everyday speech compared with 21, 391 uttered by 25-34 year olds.

Gadgets like MP3 players and games consoles were blamed for eroding their grasp of vocabulary to an all time low.

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So this maybe the only form that young people can relate to the Nativity story.

Is bound to offend some people (hopefully nobody here).


Nativity

There's this bird called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit? He does joinery an' that. Mary lives with him in a crib dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like `Oo ya lookin at? 'Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked. She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah?
I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself. Liz is largin' it. She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we are gonnaget.' Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponse a donkey, an' go dahn Bethlehem on that. They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their 'eads. They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an 'myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?' It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from
this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they're killin all the bay-bees. You better nash off to Egypt.' Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay.' So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into
Stella.

'APPY CRIMBO

It really is quite appalling what the kiddies get away with nowadays. I blame the lack of birching in our schools. There have always been those whose vocabulary is limited. I’ve seen many a soldier who could neither read nor write, but by the time the R.S.M. had finished with them they were lapping up volumes of Dostoyevsky as if there was no tomorrow.

And when I told the blighters to jump, they jumped. And if they didn’t jump high enough I’d make them take of their hobnail boots and jump on broken glass. We sometimes had chaps jumping to heights of over four feet, in order to stay off the ground longer.