Dear Dave,
I have a vague memory of seeing a number of films about a British Secret Service agent who wore a gig suit and drank Dry Martini. I remember being shaken but not stirred when I saw him in bed with a woman shouting, “Oh, oh, Seven!” I think that was in a film called ‘From Ramsgate with Love’ but I can’t for the life of me remember the name of the secret agent. Can you help please?
Gazza, Wandsworth

Dear Gazza,
The character you’re thinking of is Lieutenant Columbo, known as ‘The Singing Detective’ and played by Robert Wagner in the ‘Magnificent Murder Movie Mystery’ series which was shown on British Television in the 1930s. Pleased to have been of help!
Dave

Dear Dave,
I come to England from Spain to learn the English and I ask my landlady, please what is the best newspaper to learn the English from please. And she get THE SUN is only 10p. So I got it and it is filled with lots of women with their tits out what I don’t want to learn the English. Can you recommend for me another newspaper with no tits for me please.
Carlos Conyo, Manchester

Dear Carlos,
Why don’t you try the ‘Daily Sexpress’ owned by Dirty Des who also publishes ‘Asian Babes’. He is almost certain to be knighted in the New Year’s Honours and every day the paper has a new story about who killed the Princess of Hearts. Welcome to England, amigo!
Dave

Dear Dave,
My mate Dave says that Cli*t Eastwood once appeared in a film called ‘Dirty Barry’ about a bloke who sells porn in Wapping. I say he didn’t, so who’s right?
Goofy, Knightsbridge

Dear Goofy,
You are right. Your mate Dave is probably thinking of Dirty Des (see above) but as far as I know he has not appeared in any films about the Princess of Hearts.
Dave

Dear Dave,
Many years ago I watched a programme called C*untdown on tv. There was this 70 year old woman on it who was dressed like a teenager and she did amazing things with numbers. Who was she?
Des, Falmer

Dear Des,
This was Eamonn Andrews who allowed the panel just ten questions to find the answer and would count them off in this fashion: “that’s five down and seven left.”
Dave

Dear Dave,
Can you tell me the name of the music festival that takes place in the summer every year at prestigious venues in the south of England. Some of it is broadcast on radio and/or television. The top British orchestras, and a few from abroad, perform and although they play a lot of wanky music by people such as Harrison Birtwistle, they also give us some good tunes by Tchaikovsky, Schubert, Madonna etc. There’s a real party atmosphere on the last night of the festival when hundreds of people cram themselves into a massive hall, wave flags, kick their knees up and sing ‘Land of Hope and Glory’, ‘Cool Britannia’ and Jerusalem.
M. Sargent, Down Under

Dear M. Sargent,
It’s the East Grinstead Festival of Music and Culture. Excerpts from previous festivals can be found on youtube.com and dailymotion.com. Happy listening!
P.S. Are you the same M. Sargent who told the trombone section of the BBC Symphony Orchestra to play B flat in fifth position?
Dave

Dear Dave,
Last week I heard a song on the radio but didn’t catch the title. The only bit of the words I can remember is “everybody in the something-and-something was dancin’ to the jailhouse rock.” I think the singer was an American. Nobody seems to know what I’m talking about, so you are my final hope.
Priscilla

Dear Priscilla,
Gosh! You almost had me stumped with this one, but after extensive research I am sure that the title you are looking for is “When the Children are Asleep” It was featured in the 1935 film ‘Henry V’ and was sung by Dame Edith Evans. This is the same film in which Dame Edith speaks her most famous line. In answer to an accusation from Sherlock Holmes she replies, “A Johnny-bag?”
Dave

This is all utter boloks.

Dear Jimny462,
You’re right! The phrase “utter boloks” (“utter bollocks” in the King James’ Version) was first used by Robert Burns in 1953.
He wrote
Wi’ Sweet Marie I gan the trollocks,
She said, “Don’t utter such utter boloks.”
Dave

Dear Dave,
When I was at junior school years ago we were taken on a trip from Bolton where we lived to a much bigger town, which seemed to be a long way away. It was on a river and there was a big clock by a bridge. There was also a massive statue, which I think was called a column, in an enormous square with lots of pigeons. There were soldiers too, in red uniforms and lots of foreigners and theatres and red buses. The whole place was busy, busy, busy. I’ve lost touch with all my school friends, so I can’t ask them about it. Do you know where this place is? I would like to go there again to relive that happy time.
Bunty, West Hartlepool

Dear Bunty,
The town that you’re looking for is called West Hartlepool. It certainly is an exciting place and you will find that it has lost none of its hustle and bustle of former years. Why don’t you buy a National Express bus ticket and go and see for yourself. There’s nothing like a trip down Memory Lane for detoxing the spirit.
Dave

Dear Dave,
Who invented jazz? My grandad seems to think that it was Marty Wilde in the 1943 film, “The Glen Miller Story”, but I think it was after that. The name Hot Lips McGee comes to mind. I think she was a cellist around 1959.
Acker Bilk, Columbia

Dear Acker,
I’m sorry to tell you that you and your grandad are both wrong. Jazz was invented in 1936 by Ambrosia and his Tea-Time Three who entertained customers at the Café de Cons in Bognor Regis during the inter-war years. I have it on good authority that a mint condition copy of their first recording entitled “I’ve Got You Under My Pajamas” can fetch as much as ten shillings on the open market.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I rememvber seeing a lot of young dollies in shiny satin bib and brace hot pants wiggling their bums into a BBC camera whilst dancing in time to In the Sumertime by Mungo Gerry,shortly after a man dressed as a woman called David Bowie came on and sang a pretty song then a loud aggressive man known as Gary Glitter came on shouting into the camera and clapping his hands hes from banbury and cant drive his rolls royce,he was in a sliver spaceman suit,and looked like a clingon.then it was the larry "shoot that door""look at the mook in 'ere"grayson.having grown up with all this gender bending as the norm and wot with derek skinner on top i have been affected,how do i straighten my wrist?

Dear Bozo,
Great question! I hope the following will be of some use to you. One of the most distinguished gender benders on the Net was a man who wrote under the name of burlesk. He was a prolific contributor to a well-known fetish site, but his writing proved too arcane for the fat women (80% of the site’s membership) and he disappeared from the scene. Another possibility is Fran of Wembley (bending over, touching toes).
Dave

Dear Dave

Last night I had a dream where I was back in my old job. There were no wars in Iraq or anywhere else; the NHS was fantastic and all our kids were going to uni; kids in and out of school were no longer being knifed or shot only whacked now and again across the backside, just as I used to get. My great and glorious idol in the US was a sane and caring, sensible guy and my next door neighbour was an unambitious happygolucky welshman.
I have suffered from delusions before. Do you think I may be having a relapse?
T Blair

Dear T Blair
Wow, what a question! The answer lies in the 1964 song by Peter and Gordon Brown, ‘This is the Dawning of the Age of Change’

We’re all going on a summer holiday
To a has-been pop-singer’s house in Barbados,
And relapse is a many splendoured thing,
It is also an anagram of ‘pleaser’.
Dave

Dear Dave

Thanks so much for that good advice.

Talking of anagrams, whose is 'O lyin brat'?

Tony

Dear Tony,
‘O lyin’ brat’ is an anagram of ‘Bill Clinton’, who was president of an obscure banana republic (Bananaland) over a hundred years ago. I should make it clear that ‘Wild Bill’, as he was known, was not a liar and was never involved in getting anyone else to tell untruths. When cross-examined in court, to the question “Did you ask Miss Lewinsky to lie?” he replied, “No sir, just kneel.”
Dave

Strange that, Dave, I also liked my followers to kneel before me. But I'm a modest sort of guy, one you can trust - not like the no-good hill-billy you're referring to, the 'big' man of Bananaland. Just like Fred Washington, a former, king of that republic, I could never tell a lie.
No one appreciates me!
Only little Leo, he believes my fairy stories, even the dodgy ones.
Tony

Dear Dave,
Thank you for recommendating to me the ‘Daily Sexpress”. I buy every day at a knock-down price of only £2 from Mr. Khan and read lots and lots of stories about the Princess of Hearts, but it no say who killed her. Can you tell me please, who did this terrible thing? Also, is it true that she was once married to someone called Big Ears?
Carlos Conyo

Dear Carlos,
No one knows for certain who killed the Princess of Hearts, but many people in this country are expecting the Duke of Edinburgh to own up before the year is out. Yes, she was married to Big Ears (Brian, Prince of Wales) and during the first years of their marriage she agreed with everything he said, and consequently was known as ‘Noddy’.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I am continuing to improve the English by reading the ‘Daily Sexpress’ and on all days this week there has been stories about Diana. I am now a bit befuddled because is it that the PEOPLE’S PRINCESS is the same person as the PRINCESS OF HEARTS that is Diana?
Carlos Conyo

Dear Carlos,
Good question, Pancho! Many Brits are confused over this, so how can we expect a Dago like you to understand? The answer is that the People’s Princess was Princess Di who was killed by the Duke of Edinburgh in a Fiat Uno underneath the Pont de Foutre in Paris, whereas The Princess of Hearts was Her Royal Highness Diana, Princess of Wales who wasn’t. Hope this clarifies it for you.
Dave

Dear Dave,
The other day a friend told me that Heifer Mills had split up with someone who used to be in the Beatles and my friend said that in Hounslow where she lives they are calling it 'The Divorce of the Century'. Can you tell me why something as important as this has not been reported in the newspapers?
Sharon.

Dear Sharon,
A colleague who works for the 'Daily Express' tells me that after the murder of the Princess of Hearts there was an embargo on stories such as this, on the orders of the Duke of Edinburgh, driving a white Fiat Uno. Hope this helps.
Dave

Dear Dave,
My granny who is 39 next week loves to sit in her rocking chair and reminisce about the good old days. She has been telling me about this pop group that had four dirty looking men in it who had no musical ability whatsoever and consequently produced a really horrible row. The drummer boy looked like a caveman and the singer was called Mick Jigger because he jigged around quite a bit. Only trouble is, she can’t remember the name of this group. Can you help please?
Ringo

Dear Ringo,
Your granny has done well to remember so much detail. The group she has in mind is the BBC Symphony Orchestra which was founded by Richard 'The Beard' Branstone in 1978. I have to correct her on the name of the conductor. He was Mick Jogger, so called because he invented jogging. In later life he wrote a book entitled ‘Scrapbooking for Joggers’.
Dave

Dear Dave,
Can you help me find the name of someone? I have forgotten it. She is one of the Honorary Life Members and appears on the telly a lot doing programmes about cooking. Recently she did them about how to make a cup of tea and how to boil a egg. She likes bums of men and is a director of a football club and last year she drunk a whole gallon of cooking sherry and got on the pitch and started shouting "Come on, Dulwich Hamlet! Let’s be having you!" She has a really nice pair of nine pounders and a slight lisp. I think her name might be Fiona Phillips or Carol Vorderman.
Delia, Norwich

Dear Delia,
Wow, what a question! Firstly, let me correct you about Fiona ‘Saucepan Face’ Phillips and Carol ‘The Arse’ Vorderman. I have it on good authority that they will never become Honorary Life Members of this Forum, because of their false claims to have been slippered (bending over, touching toes) while wearing green knickers at a school in Wembley. I believe the name of the person you seek is Anne (The Mask) Robbo who presents a daily television programme on Sky 3 called ‘The Weakest People’s Princess Link’ along with the Duke of Edinburgh in a white Fiat Uno.
Dave

Dear Dave,
Who is that famous author who writes detective novels about Miss Maple? My dad says that they wrote over a hundred books and the best known is called ‘Ten Little Naggers’, but I think he’s just pulling my leg off.
Aggie, Orient Express, delayed at Penge

Dear Aggie,
Your old man is right, for the first time in his life (just joking). The author is John (Two Jags, Two Jabs, Two Shags and twenty cream doughnuts, please) Passpott and his latest book ‘It’s Murder in Bulimia’ is now available in all good bookshops, and a few bad ones, for only £49. 99 and a dozen meat pies. You may be interested to know that next month Channel 4 Television will be showing the 1937 film version of ‘Ten Little Nokkers’. It features John (‘Johnny’) Gielgud as Miss Ernest Marples and five sopranos from the Luton Girls’ Choir as the ten little nokkers. Hope this helps.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I am trying to remember the name of someone who was a Prime Minister in Britain in the seventies. I’m not even sure that I ever knew his real name: he was always known as ‘The Grocer’. He became leader of the Tory Party after a ghoul-faced bloke who looked like the Curse of Brian lost a general election. He wrote books, and I remember seeing at knock-down prices ‘The Grocer’s Book of Sailing’ and ‘The Grocer’s Book of Music’ in which many passages were interchangeable. “I have always loved sailing/music. It was at school that I had my first experience of sailing/music and was inspired by Sir Francis Drake/C.P.E. Bach to become a sailor/musician…” He went all over the world signing millions of copies, and nowadays the valuable books are the few that he did not sign. He embarked upon the longest recorded sulk in history when he was defeated as leader of the Tory Party by Mrs. Thatcher and soon after people were saying “Bring back Grocer! He wasn’t such a bad chap after all, even though he almost brought the country to its knees in 1973.”
What ever was his name?
H. Wislon

Dear H. Wislon,
I never new his name either. Like you, to me he was always ‘The Grocer’. A member of my research team thinks his real name was Lady Shaver. Hope this helps.
Dave

Big John MOI, I've remarked on this before, and I'll remark on it again - how on earth do you manage to find a picture to match every requirement so quickly?

The "& Sons" bit rather gives the game away though - unless there's something we weren't told!

Notice the gap between the "&" and the "Sons" is obscured by a lamp-post but is an appreciable gap.

Could the missing word be "No"??

Nice try, Yetanotheranotherlurker, but no cigar! That's no lamp-post, that's a discontinuity in the picture - it was probably spread over two adjacent pages of a book when scanned, or similar. See below (with apologies to Big John MOI for nicking and modifying his image).

Big John MOI, I've remarked on this before, and I'll remark on it again - how on earth do you manage to find a picture to match every requirement so quickly? (Another_Lurker)

I have the honour of being the custodian of a vast photographic archive belonging to this Forum. Thank you for improving the Grocer picture.

What's this about "Wanky Music" by Dave above? Is this some new form of beat music? Or a new erotica?
Dave please explain because I never heard of it. But I woudn't be surprised!

Dear Girl Dancer,
Good question! ‘Wanky Music’ was invented by the Asian composer O. Nan in 1931. His tone poem ‘Music to Masturbate By’ was given its first performance by the Burgess Hill Sinfonia conducted by Sir Thomas ‘Tommo’ Beecham in 1958. It is rumoured that this is the favourite piece of music of the Duke of Edinburgh in a white Fiat Uno. Hope this helps.
Dave

Thanks for your answer Dave. I have passed this to my little brother who'se always trying to find something new on which to masturbate. I often have to spank him for it, but to no avail. Do you have any suggestions? He is 12 years old nearly 13.

Dear Girl Dancer,
I can recommend a book written by Jane Austin in 1804 entitled ‘101 Things a Boy can do with a Paper Bag’. It is long out of print, but I believe there are a few copies left for just five euros a throw at Woolworths in the Edgware Road.
Dave

Sorry for bothering you again Dave but I just phoned the Edgware Roab Woolworhs and they said that the book you mentioned seems to be out of stock.
So could you please srart a new forum on this subject. It would be very helpful to me and some of my girlfriends who seem to have the same problem. Iwould be very grateful.
By the way the Duke of Edinbergha you mentioned is very lucky. I can't imagine the queen spanking him. But youll' never know.

Dear Dave,
I have been watching many times the video of the People’s Princess Shrine Fountain that was put up on youtube by one of your colleagues yesterday. It is awesome, but can you tell me please, where is this shrine fountain please? My landlady say it in Lowestoft, but I do not think this right and so I turn to you for the answer definitivo.
Carlos Conyo, down the park

Dear Carlos,
It’s good to hear from you again, Pablo. Your landlady is almost right, because the People’s Drain is actually on Camberwell Green, right in the heart of fashionable Camberwell. If you get a copy of the latest edition of the London A-Z (obtainable from Mr. Patel for only £2 above the r.r.p.) go to Page 120 and there it is! You may be interested to know that Camberwell Green was chosen as the site because Harrison Birtwhistle was sat sitting there when he wrote his ‘Spring Song’ in 1843 and the Princess of Hearts loved classical music and the Jackson Five. Within the depths of the fountain is a hidden mural of the Duke of Edinburgh in a white Fiat Uno. Hope this helps.
Dave

Dear Dave,
There has been much ‘Fun Posting’ on this forum lately and I wonder can you tell me who started it. I read in the “Daily Sex” that the first people to do it were members of the Royal Family of Royals. I tell my landlady and she say, “Don’t be so silly, Diego, you’ve been watching too much television.”
Carlos Conyo, Harrods

Dear Carlos,
Your landlady is right – listening to ‘The Clitheroe Kid’ can do strange things to your brain - but you are right also, Pedro! ‘Fun Posting’ was started by the People’s Princess and the Duke of Edinburgh (The People’s Prince) in a white Fiat Uno in a grocer’s shop in Knightsbridge in 1997. But when the Duke tried a bit of ‘Fun Posting’ there a year later he was told by the owner to “Fugg off out of my fuggin’ shop!” Hope this helps.
Dave

Dear Dave,
I have recent taken an avid interest in the extraordinary practice known as ‘Fun Posting’ and would like to know why someone who writes under the names of Miss Kane, Big Ones and Eric cannot be classed as a ‘Fun Poster’.
Heifer

Dear Heifer,
Blimey, Heff! You nearly had me beat with this one! Fun Posting is not widely practised and they that do practise it don’t like to talk about it. However, after a great deal of searching I found the answer in ‘Rupert and Noddy Go a-Fun Posting in the Bayswater Road’ written by H.G. Wells in 1732.
He wrote:
‘How the bleedin’ hell could anybody with the name ‘Eric’ ever be a Fun Poster!’
Hope this helps.
Dave

Dear Dave,
Please tell Mr/Mrs/Miss Heifer that she/he is mistaking me for somebody else.
What kind of a name is "Heifer" anyway? Is this another Fun Poster?

Dear Dave ,I once saw someone who appeared to be Valerie Singleton
feeling big melons at that Arab Grocers on the corner of Earls Court Road and the wierdo pub with the colourful flag.She hopped out of a white Triumph
convertible sports car with her handbag and spent sometime feeling the large melons before speeding off.I cant remember if she bought one.She was probably on her way home from BBCs Blue Peter?I cant remmber which direction she went but its all one way round there.Funny and now David Cameron hops into Tesco for a little bag of salad hope he knows that if it sweats its going off?Funny all these DIY late night efforts at Haute Cuisine
fings aint the same since the late unplesantness when neptune at The Big House of Miss 'Lizabeth did all the common market stuff.

Great question, Bonzo! I had to get the whole team researching this one but eventually they came up with the answer. The year you’re looking for is 1996 when Valerie ‘Val’ Single interviewed the younger son of Brian and the Princess of Sacred Drains on the ‘Eamonn Andrews Show’.

Val: How do you respond to people who say that you are spending too much time with the Fayed family?
Harry ‘Nazi’ Windsor: Fugg off.

Dear Dave

I return to find a host of new members posting on this happy forum, old members once disappeared, now resurrected members, several new members, even newer members, fake posters, fun posters, female impostors male impostors.



CONFUSED AND WONDERING !!!!!!!!!!!


are we encouraging returned members that were old members, newer members that will become older members, and impostors, with a tempting offer of a years FREE subscription to the ARGUS.

K

Dear Special K,
Great question Jetta! The companies you are looking for are Pickfords and Esso. For just ten thousand pounds apiece they will move all your stuff from Copenhagen to East Dulwich in less time than it takes you to find all those rare and valuable Marty Wilde records hidden in your loft. Hope this helps.
Dave