This is like something my younger brother did a couple of years ago
by John
2. Dear Diary
Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged
me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although
my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the
other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY
annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put
me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap
too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as
punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that you know what Belinda more than any human being has ever
hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,
skinny, anemic little cheerleading witch. If there were a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%##&**
barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven
straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other witch) will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy.
Posted on Apr 27, 2007, 3:00 PM from IP address 72.236.231.199