Seems like the drought is well and truly over.

Here's another snipet from last night. Possibly a bit jumbled and sketchy recall.

I dreamed that I was in the house where I grew up and that I came home to discover that our home had been burgled by my brother.(unfortunately this was normal behaviour for my brother) A family friend or my aunt told us this and that certain items had gone. One item was my sister's computer. (she never owned one at home.) I went to her room to discover the door unlocked and an empty PC station. there in it's place was an Apple Mac motif or plug on the wall, as I looked closely there was an old fashioned typewriter whose front cover was this multicoloured Apple Mac motif.

The house was empty and I remember feeling angry. I decided to wait for him. He was out as usual selling the items. My own bedroom had the bare minimum, my bed and duvet and my desk. when I looked at the desk, it looked as though he had tried to dismantle it for removal.

At some point in this dream I remeber shouting at my mother that I'm not going to do anything and that I'm going to stand back and let him take everything until she realises that he will totally destroy the house.

I may also have been trying to ring people to locate him via a mobile phone, which were'nt around at that time.

In the dream, my mother looked as I had seen her a couple of weeks ago. She had an eye infection and her eyes had dark circles which looked like bruising with cracked and dry skin.

and self explanatory, don't you think? I gotta tell ya, I spent every night this past week 'in my mother's house' struggling with one problem or another until I woke up. In reality I visit (under duress) once every couple of years, and this last time seems to have triggered a lot of stuff, and even though physically I got out 15 years ago, I am still 'living under those conditions' in my mind. This last time though, the roof was missing and when I looked up, i could see the stars in a very cold night sky. I am waiting for the dream where I get to leave completely. (or when 5 kids get together to scrap over the value of the house - the last ugly bunfight at the I'M NOT OKAY CORRAL.......) Freedom is in the mind, gotta find it and release myself. I did, however, shred all the old photographs when I got home, as they can no longer hold me to memories that arent happy. It was something my brain directed me to do.

At least you are expressing your anger in your dream, not much point as you know expressing it to the parent at this point, (as you know, and parents are always right, and so dont have to change......so we continue to pretzel ourselves to humor them) timewise it is behind you, the dreams are just there to bug you about past injustices within the family that probably made you very frustrated and angry at that time. I was very interested in the Mac stuff, does she work with graphics/art now? The cell phone might show the level of communication about the problem back then. Will ponder the symbolism a bit for you in case anything else comes up.

Thanks!! No my mum does'nt work now. She's in a home. I'm having to deal with lots of crap surrounding this,'responsibilty' when in reality I don't want to be responsible for her. Everyone expects you to because 'it's your mother.' Her present circumstances are all her past actions being brought to bear.

Apple Mac was the first computer that I learnt my computing skills on in college. Before Microsoft, when there was Macwrite and Macpaint.

I have a friend who is a very strange girl, becuase her mother was a shrink who would question her and verbally abuse/confuse her repeatedly as a kid, as the mother sank into her own psychotic neurotic state. Turn about, now she has to take care of this elderly mother every day.

The last time I saw her, she had that manic, "no, really, I'm OK!!!" look on her face, and she said,

"it's so hard to take care of a parent who really wasnt a very good parent!!!!"

and there was so much pain and desperation on the edge wrapped up in that sentence I still laugh (based on my own parent situation) when I think of it and all it meant!!

In the words of a mate from Liverpool, "its no good, she's bin CABBAGED mate."

It was weird reading your friends statement about finding it dificult to look after someone who was'nt a good parent. The whole situation leaves me feeling pretty torn at times. Sometimes I think it's just deserts for someone who has caused so much damage. I really resent carrying her emotional baggage and being the one left to deal with it. Other times I try to be optimistic and hope that the forthcoming changes will heal something for my family.

you are feeling bad about something that was absolutely not your fault. (ie, you coulda bin born next door.....)

British kids are programmed to feel guilty and responsible - when not-so-great parent gets old, responsibility is dumped on us (or, we feel guilty cos we DONT actually feel it - becuase we are fairly sure by now that maybe our parents never bloody liked us in the first place!!) but we do feel 'guilty' - and that is why you are reaching out to take care of her - at emotional cost to yourself.

I think you will have to learn to compartmentalise this stuff, if you are going to continue to go in there, bring her the stuff she needs, listen to her crap, (as ever, right?) then at leaving time walk away - AND LEAVE THE GUILT BEHIND AS YOU PASS THE EXIT.. this is becuase none of her problems are of your making, you are just doing what is EXPECTED of you as a 'good child' in everyone's eyes.

A more selfish (depending on yr perspective, or a more enlightened, or a more independant, or a more self-involved, ((or a more rejected...) or simply someone who has realised that none of htis s**t was created by them, ie, you coulda bin born next door and not be dealing with this) person would not even bother to visit, especially if they had finally found someone they could say, build a happy life & 5 kids with....they might be too busy for this guilt/parental thing. Sounds tough, doesnt it? but how much of your life do you really want to let them overshadow for you??

I commend you for trying to brng some happiness into parents life at this point by visiting, but if you are going to do so, please remember to protect yourself emotionally.

Maybe I am able to see it this way cos there was never anyone to listen to me as a kid, so when mummy wants to rattle now, I just hold the phone away from my ear, and say, 'yeah, ok' at intervals......FYI< I call her, for her benefit, she has NEVER called me in ten years.(she still manages to put me down as she rattles......)it is amazing how bad they can make you feel when you havent done anything wrong...no point in arguing with an old lady......

on my own I have after years of therapy and self-learning managed to form a very good,loving relationship with someone now, but to the outside world I am a very tough person, I certainly dont suffer fools gladly (cant remember how many times people have described me this way....but it still makes me laugh)but it aint easy...

So what i'm saying is.....compartmentalise and set a goal or two of things you have always wanted to do, use each visit with mommy as a momentum thing to turn around right thereafter to achieve other stuff that benefits you, as opposed to letting her bring you down. Belive me, I know how much you resent it....yet we still ahve to hold our tongue.....

Time to climb a mountain or jump out of a plane my dear!

and self explanatory, don't you think? I gotta tell ya, I spent every night this past week 'in my mother's house' struggling with one problem or another until I woke up. In reality I visit (under duress) once every couple of years, and this last time seems to have triggered a lot of stuff, and even though physically I got out 15 years ago, I am still 'living under those conditions' in my mind. This last time though, the roof was missing and when I looked up, i could see the stars in a very cold night sky. I am waiting for the dream where I get to leave completely. (or when 5 kids get together to scrap over the value of the house - the last ugly bunfight at the I'M NOT OKAY CORRAL.......) Freedom is in the mind, gotta find it and release myself. I did, however, shred all the old photographs when I got home, as they can no longer hold me to memories that arent happy. It was something my brain directed me to do.

At least you are expressing your anger in your dream, not much point as you know expressing it to the parent at this point, (as you know, and parents are always right, and so dont have to change......so we continue to pretzel ourselves to humor them) timewise it is behind you, the dreams are just there to bug you about past injustices within the family that probably made you very frustrated and angry at that time. I was very interested in the Mac stuff, does she work with graphics/art now? The cell phone might show the level of communication about the problem back then. Will ponder the symbolism a bit for you in case anything else comes up.