ENJOY!!
Dead Donkey
A city boy, named Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny: "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell
Anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny: "Just the guy who won, so I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as; Big Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called, "Mary with a Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Sisters of St. Francis
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye it reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and he drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real.... Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son, please follow me."
The man is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.
This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns’ cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER!!!
Little Fireman
A firefighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Snappy Answers
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh? "The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
And finally #5 “THE TEACHER SNAPPY ANSWER OF THE YEAR”
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Funny Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked hem to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are 6-years-old, because the last one is quite amazing.
1. Better to be safe than......punch a 5th grader.
2. Don't bite the hand that.....looks dirty.
3. Its always darkest before.........Daylight Saving Time.
4. A miss is as good as a...................Mr.
5. If you lie down with dogs, you'll......stink in the morning.
6. Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded.
7. If at first you don't succeed......get new batteries.
8. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
9. When the blind lead the blind...get out of the way.
10. An idle mind is...........the best way to relax.
11. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.......you have to blow your nose.
12. Happy the bride who.........gets all the presents.
13. A penny saved is........................not much.
14. Two's company, three's.................the Musketeers.
15. There are none so blind as.........Stevie Wonder.
And the favorite:
16. Better late than...........................pregnant
A Thanksgiving Joke
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Things I've learned about South Carolina.....
1. Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
2. There are 5000 types of snakes, and 4998 live in South Carolina.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in South Carolina, plus a couple that nobody has seen before.
4. Squirrels will eat anything.
5. Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
6. Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.
7. If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.
8. A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
9. Onced and Twiced are words.
10. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
11. Fire ants consider your flesh a picnic.
12. People actually grow and eat okra.
13. "Fixinto" is one word.
14. There ain't no such thing as "lunch." There's "dinner" and then there's “supper."
15. Sweet tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're
two.
16. "Backards and farards" means, "I know everything about you."
17. "Jeet?" is actually a phrase meaning "Did you eat?"
18. You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.
19. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.
You know you're from South Carolina if:
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've ever had to switch from heat to air conditioning in the same day.
3. You see a car running in a store parking lot with no one in it no matter
what time of the year.
4. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
5. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain,
insect or animal.
6. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.
8. You know what "cow tipping" is.
9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, and Duke's mayonnaise.
10. The local papers cover national and international news on one page and
six pages for local gossip and sports.
11. Your think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."
13. You know all four seasons: almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
14. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as "Goin'Wal-Martin"
or "Off to ' Wally World'."
15. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good pinto-bean
weather.
16. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
17. You understand these and forward them to your friends from SC (and those
who just wish they were)
Proving there is no God
A college professor, an avowed Atheist, was teaching his class. He shocked
several of his students when he flatly stated he was going to prove there
is no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "God, if you are real, then I
want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"
The lecture room fell silent. You could have heard a pin drop. Ten minutes
went by. Again he taunted God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still
waiting."
His countdown got down to the last couple of minutes when a Marine, just
released from active duty and newly registered in the class walked up to
the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him ass over
teapot from his lofty platform. The professor was out cold!
At first the students were shocked and babbled in confusion. The young
Marine took a seat in the front row and sat silent. The class fell silent...waiting.
Eventually, the professor came to, shaken. He looked at the young Marine in the front row.
When the professor regained his senses and could speak, he asked: "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The young Marine said, “God was busy so He sent me."
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