Yes, I think you are right that they about higher FSH making it harder to recruit, not necessarily leading to poorer quality eggs. (Although I think the jury might still be out regarding the the correlation between high fsh and lower quality eggs - many folks say it doesn't matter, and it may not. But my eggs haven't been so stellar, especially when we've used higher stims.) I do sometimes forget, however, that higher fsh doesn't mean poorer quality of eggs, especially when we're always trying bring the fsh down...
I don't think it's the fact the Che.ck experiments that is frustrating to me - I actually really like that. I wish my in-town RE had done more experimentation; maybe we'd wouldn't be here now if she did.
I think mostly I am frustrated because I had convinced myself that my issues weren't really that bad (such as Dr. C and other Dr.'s have said), that high stim was the major problem, and that when we switched to low-stim with the guru Dr. C, all would be okay. We would do the protocol, it work, we'd have a baby and then everyone lives happily ever after.
Believe it or not, I think I really convinced myself of that...it sounds so crazy written down, but not so much in my head. And I don't even think I realized that I had convinced myself of this until right now - if anyone asked I always say something like, "Well, we know it's not likely, but we're going to give it a try." In fact, most of the time I say to myself, "It will never work. What am I doing this for." But deep in my heart I always thought it would work. That something would work. I think I just told myself and others that it wouldn't work to try and ease the blow a little bit.
So I think my frustration comes from the reality of the situation not even coming close to the hopes I had for it and fearing that my vocalized expectations - that it will never work - are actually coming true. Instead of going "swimmingly," my AFC & FSH just keeps getting worse, and I've still never had implantation. Honestly, the path we've taken in last 2.5 years is beyond anything that I could have ever imagined when I was first diagnosed with DOR. If you would have told me my FSH would be 12 even after taking estinyl and my AFC would drop to 4, I would have been shocked beyond believe. And while I know plenty of women get pregnant naturally, with an FSH of 12, I'm really scared to pour more cash into a situation that will just bring more disappointments? Does that make sense?
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm frustrated to be here and that I thought working with Ch.eck would be different - that he has some kind of "magic" or something. Sounds silly, doesn't it?
As far as whether I'm really ready to be done - I honestly don't know. Part of me is so so tired, but at my core I want to do at least one low-stim IVF to say I've at least tried it. Part of me is also so damn stubborn and persistent - I think to myself, "Well, other people were able to do it, why can't I? Maybe it's just a matter of time." But I don't know how helpful that is...Even after giving up on IVFs, I can see myself timing ovulation right until the day I go into full-blown menopause.
But maybe letting go is more healthy? Maybe it's not worth it if our end goal is to just have a child? Sometimes I ask myself it's so important to me for this to work because I have a drive to have a genetic child or if I just want to "succeed." And honestly, I don't really know. What do you think? Do you ever thing about these things?
Sorry for the thesis...haha. Your post just made me think about a lot of things. Thank you so much for posting and being so supportive. I'm sure my flipping out the last couple months has been a bit exasperating...even (especially) to me.
Take good care,