My dr ordered me an MRI after the no fibroid situation last week. I looked up the procedure on line and I lost it, really lost it. It's another invasive procedure involving a catheter in the ute. Which i just can't bear, even if it means not having a baby, I cannot bear another catheter in my ute due to the excrutiating pain. I won't do it. I have never felt pain like I had with that SIS. Ive been crying for hours.
I know I havent done IVF or IUI. Maybe some will say I havent given it a chance. But 4 miscarriages, D+Cs, lap, 2 SIS, a HSG, months of painful acupuncture, a hsyterography under anesthesia, I'm so tired. I feel like I havent gotten any answers about my recurrent losses and I'm just not going to. This thing with the fibroid has f-ed me up BEYOND. I'm completely lost, noone has answers for me and given that it was "there one week, gone the next and we dont know why" I'm afraid to even TTC since what if something else is wrong? How did this HAPPEN TO ME?
Anyway, my DH just came home for lunch and I told him that I dont want to do this anymore and I could see he was annoyed. Which set me off because he's watched me go through procedure after procedure, loss after loss, and to give me the "fine if thats what you want" line- hurt. If a man had to go through all these things- forget it! Maybe I just want to feel that it's okay if we don't have kids, but all I felt from him was that he resented me for giving up. I'm not sure if Im just having a bad day- I havent felt good since I had this F-ing SIS in the first place, not sleeping well, thinking about where that "fibroid" went keeps me awake at night, now I have some kind of blown capillaries in my left eye, still bad back pain, depression- I have not felt this bad in years.
I've just been thinking about my life lately and it's miserable. We used to go on all these vacations and just enjoyed life, I had a good job. Now, I cry at least once a day, usually more. I don't know who I am anymore. All I do is google IF crap all day long. I go to therapy but it's really not helping, I know I need to find a better thereapist. I don't want to go on anti depressants. I hide behind the tears and I do try to be positive. But I am in so much pain. Maybe this just needed to happen, I needed to "snap" Thanks for letting me vent.