"D"h has a good friend whose wife is pg. She is due any day now. I have not seen them since they made their big "announcement" to us months ago. The wife is very aware of our IF problems and has not been super sensitive about things. So anyway, H calls me this morning and says that his friend and wife want to go to dinner tonight (they called yesterday evening or this morning) and that he thinks we should because it has been such a long time since we have seen them and they have asked to do a couple of other things in the last few months (and I haven't). But my god!!! The woman is going to give birth any day! I wish I was a bigger person and could just suck it up and go and have a good time but how in the world could the conversation possibly be about anything but their baby? And how in the world will I be able to think about anything aside from how angry I am at H and how life sucks and how I wish that I too could have gotten pg within 2 months of trying???
Please, if someone is thinking what a rotten person I am, be kind and do not tell me that I am. I realize that I am selfish and self centered. If I could somehow change my thinnking I would-believe me I have tried everything.
Anyway, I am wondering what you all would do in this circumstance/how you would handle it. Thanks.
Sometimes we can do it, sometimes we can't. It all depends on what is going on with you right now. Your dh needs to understand this, and if he can't, you just have to protect yourself.
We missed two nephews birthdays cause, well, on one's bday, I was having a d&c. TGod my dh is supportive...but you know, we all are in different places at different times.
You can either plan something unavoidable (diarrhea!) or a spa treatment, but do not go. Send them a nice something-something so you don't lose the friendship. Unless she has been a real ass, in which case, do not bother!
I actually did have lunch with Ari from this board when she was pg. and then met her for brunch after her son was born and it was just great. Definetely different when it is an IF sister. I'll be poas in the am....if I get a +, I go in for a Beta.....I'm a nervous wreck!! I'll be ok though.....I actually called the pharmacy to make sure they have Femara in stock.....just in case.....
Thanks. You know what really burns me up is just last weekend I went out and got them a card for when they have the baby and also said to H "do you want me to pick up a gift certificate because I will, just tell me how much." I mean-geez...I even went to the baby section of the cards. Not a huge deal for some but painful for me. But I did it, unasked. They are not bad people at all and in fact I like them (until I started to feel they were insensitive). I just cannot deal. And I cannot deal with someone who is about to have what I feel like I have struggled to have for years. I am staying home. I don't care what H wants this time. I really need to protect myself. If he asks about what excuse he can use I may just tell him...tell them I have diarrhea jack-a**. And to make it believable, tell them I have a colonoscopy next week!! At least it won't be a total lie that way. Thanks Minniet.
You don't need to add this to your plate right now. (others baby ment)..
July 24 2008, 12:08 PM
And you're not a rotten, selfish person...I know my DH doesn't always understand my 'moments'...Our neighbours had a baby boy in January, and I just could not force myself to see him(baby) until finally last weekend...I was out gardening, and just held my breath, counted to 3.... and walked over to say "Hi"..... (I think DH was somewhat embarrassed that I didn't go over sooner)........
Thing is... these people (friends of your DH's) are in their own little world right now and you just do not need to sit there for a couple of hours listening to ALL of their birthing plans, nursery 'stuff', etc. etc...I hope he understands....I'm sure he will...
Take Care!
Elizabeth
PS - I sent you an e-mail...just thought I would let you know incase it went into your junkmail...
Hey, nice to see you here. I will check out my e-mail so I can get your message. I am glad you wrote. How are you doing?? You have been missed.
You are right, they are totally in there own little world. I am going to be in my own little world tonight to. Probably not talking to H but I think I will order myself some Thai food. I deserve something.
Thanks for sharing your story with me-it sounds like it was painful. I wish that it wasn't this hard. This on top of everything else makes IF so lonely.
Hi Pandora,......(secondary infertility mentioned)
July 24 2008, 12:20 PM
Although I do not post here very much, I could not resist writing to you. Please be kind to yourself. I have not even read the other responses. All I can say is that you are not mean or unkind or even selfish. I see it as self-preservation. You are not saying that you wish them harm or any such thing. All you are saying is that you do not want to hear about their wonderful upcoming birth of their child and that you cannot be around someone who has a big pregnant belly right now; something that you so ache for and deserve. You have EVERY right to not go and to not want to go. That makes you only human. Please give yourself the emotional space to feel what it is that you are feeling without reprimanding yourself. Infertility is EXTREMELY hard without you punishing yourself for the very real pain you are experiencing.
I suffer from secondary infertility; well, I guess I should correct that and say that I used to suffer from secondary infertility and now just suffer from old crappy eggs (LOL) since I am in my 40's and I, myself, CANNOT for the life of me, handle another woman's pregnancy without SEVERE anguish and pain. That to say, that I can VERY well imagine the horrible suferring of primary infertility.
I am so very sorry that H is not being supportive or understanding of you right now. Please know that you are not alone in how you feel. I would NEVER, in a million years, go only because I know that I could not handle it.
Please be good to yourself and do what is best for YOU; not for somebody else.
So very nice to "see" you on here. It has been awhile! Thank you so much for your wonderful post. I feel like printing it out and showing it to H. You said it so much better than I could and you obviously totally get it. I do feel selfish and terrible about myself because of this type of thing-which I know does me no good and just makes things worse. Thank you so much for your kindness and for popping in over here. If you have some time, let me know how things are. Hugs back.
I don't know about you, Pandora, but I've spent too much time during this IF battle trying to make other people happy by going to their showers and parties and dinners and pretending to be OK. Take it from me, put yourself first for once/for now. If dinner with these folks is going to ruin your week, don't do it.
I don't know what to tell you about DH, he may not necessarily understand where you're coming from, but maybe later he will. My DH deals with all of this sadness by going out with all of our friends, it doesn't bother him if they're PG or have three kids, he just wants to have a good time -- and he wants me by his side. Some nights I can do it, some nights I can't. Maybe tonight's not the night for you. That's OK. XOXO Anne
I wish H would just think about these things and go out with his friend himself. I have the feeling he won't and will then hold it against me. He just does not seem to get it. Makes me sad. Thanks for your support.
Re: Very mad at "D"h-advice needed (others pg ment)
July 24 2008, 12:55 PM
First of all, I completely agree with everyone else who has responded. I'm convinced that most men really just don't get it at all.
My DH sent me a birth announcement via email yesterday from one of his college friends...hellooo -I really don't need that right now. thank you. Anyways, it is very difficult to pull yourself together and prepare for something like this in a couple hours notice. An outing like this, at least for me, takes a lot of emotional preparation. Could you "need to work late" tonight? Maybe you can just put it off politely and indefinitely, and after the birth, make them dinner or something - an have DH bring it over. You know when you are ready, just like the other poster, sometimes you are and sometimes you just aren't. You have so much going on right now, this is really the last thing you need to be doing with your time. Do not feel guilty at all.
Thank you so much. Yeah, my plan was to avoid contact until after the baby was born. I tend to do a bit better when there is an actual child for me to focus on. I am still sad and my heart still feels stomped on but I have a little person to focus on when the baby is actually there. I told Minniet above that I already have a card already for them and was planning to get a gift certificate. I am so mad at H that now I feel bad about myself because I can't just go along and get along or whatever the saying is. I think I might pop open a bottle of wine tonight to have with the Thai I plan to order. THANK YOU for your supportive post. I appreciate it.
and wouldn't feel even remotely bad about it. You know the entire conversation is going to be revolved around their soon to be addition and that's too hard to take. It would be one thing if she was newly pregnant or not showing, but knowing that she's going to pop in a few days. I wouldn't think twice about it, and DH should completely understand that. I'd just make up an excuse to your friends.
It's not mean or selfish. It's just doing what you need to do to cause additional pain to your heart.
Good luck Pandora!
Salina
Me: 31, DH: 36
Highest FSH: 14.4
2 BFP, 1 m/c at 7 weeks, 1 m/c at 11 weeks (chromosonally normal male)
Unicornuate uterus, (one fallopian tube, half uterus)
Male factor too (low sperm count & quality)
April 2008, FSH: 5.1
May/June unmedicated IUI = BFN
July 2008 - Pelvic MRI
I haven't read all the other responses but it is absolutely your right to not go... My concern is that your husband is not more understanding and protective of you. But, men can be weird that way. Even good ones.
There is nothing selfish about this! You are not hurting anyone, and it is your right to not get hurt yourself. The other couple is already fine - I think they will survive your not showing up, you need to take care of yourself and I wish your husband was giving you his full support on this
Yes, H is not being supportive at all. I don't know why after all this time I still expect that he will somehow get it. Because he doesn't-at all. Thank you again for your post.
and I'm mean, so I would know! You really don't need to go--if DH needs to talk guy stuff, he can meet the husband alone. You are totally right not to go to this. It would just be misery for you, and remind your husband that he'll have to deal with that too!
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this - the everyday side affects of IF are some of the hardest to handle. I don't think I would be able to eat sitting opposite a heavily pg woman with all the conversation about how their lives are about to be changed forever.
I do think your DH is being a totally normal bloke though - they just don't get it and they never will. I try not to expect too much from my DH on the IF front because the last thing I need is more upset in my relationship on top of everything else. As long as he can do the business when required, I don't expect him to understand how I feel when everyone around me is falling pg. Maybe tell him firmly that you can't handle spending a lot of time with a heavily pg person right now, but it's probably not worth being too cross with him for asking you, as I think many, many blokes would have done the same. Hope you get it sorted the best way for you, and DO NOT feel guilty!
Yes, H is a decent person. A good person. Maybe that is part of the reason I feel so incredibly disappointed when he doesn't get it and doesn't seem to care to get it or consider my feelings (on this and a few other things). I would just like more support from him. I am the same as you in that most of the IF stuff I handle on my own. But geez, he should have my back for this kind of thing-you know?
You are not mean. in your situation i would avoid that couple like the plague too. don't feel bad about it either. It's time to be selfish. Spare yourself.
I do feel bad because I feel like I spend all my time trying to spare myself pain-yet it shows up all the time anyway. I guess I should just deal with it when I have to/have no choice. Here, I have a choice. Thanks.
I'm kind of late to the party here, but I totally wouldn't go. I can't believe your H first of all asked you to go, and second of all is angry with you for not wanting to go. He needs slapping upside the head!!!!! And another !!!! just for good measure! Men can be so dense. Honestly!
You're dealing with serious gastro issues, anemia (right, that's you?) and feel awful and sad on a daily basis, and your husband wants you to go do something that will sap your energy, physically and emotionally?? What in the WORLD is the boy thinking? Obviously he's not. He should be tucking you up on the sofa with a warm cup of soup and slippers and and sauteeing spinach, grilling a steak, and bringing you an iron pill.
I know, I know. He's probably sad too. And he's working hard too. But you're the one who puts your body through all this time and time again and he has the gall to ask you at the last minute if you want to go spend and evening on the rack being tortured? Huh? Don't let me near him - I'll give him a piece of my mind!
Maybe you could reframe it for him. I had to do this with another issue for my DH a long time ago. Something he couldn't see from my perspective at all. Perhaps around something like money and career, since those are big deals for men.
So let's say that your DH knows he's a smart guy, educated, talented, etc. Yet somehow he can't hold and job and he can't make any money. And just when he thinks things are going to get better, they go south. Meanwhile, his friends are all advancing in their careers, driving their fancy cars, going on expensive ski vacations, etc. And he can't go. And he always thinks it's going to turn around, but it never does. He works hard, he sacrifices.....and he goes nowhere. And so now who does he blame? The world? Himself? His friends who are stupider and less well educated, yet have tons of money, big houses, fast cars, yachts, etc.? Is it their fault he can't make more than minimum wage? And does he want to have to go to parties at their houses - but he can't touch anything or enjoy any of it. Don't touch the steering wheel on that Ferrari! Sorry, we can't take you on the yachting trip! He can only look. And then go back to his one bedroom, rented apartment in a bad part of town. And wake up to work at the convenience store.
And this goes on for years. Meanwhile his friends now own second homes - at the beach and mountains. And they're taking up polo and getting private jets. And he can't quite afford the insurance on his 1980 Datsun. And his friends offer to let him visit their homes and look at their cars, but that's about it. He occasionally might get to borrow one, but only if they're off on a balloon jaunt through the Kalahari or something. But that just makes it more obvious what he doesn't have. And then his friends have the gall to tell him how lucky he is he doesn't have any money. He doesn't have to worry about things like taxes on three houses and a plane! Lucky him! And no matter how hard he tries and what he does, nothing changes. He's still living the same life he's lived for ten or fifteen years. And they're on to bigger, better new lives, with new friends and new adventures.
So would something like that help reframe the issue? I know I reframed something for my DH once and with a lot of work he finally "got" it. We did go to a counselor though. Have you guys tried that? Maybe it would help. Also, I don't know if you've been to a counselor at all, but I found a good one and it's been really helpful. So that's something to consider or reconsider. It can be helpful from time to time.
I have another suggestion, but would rather talk via email. I think I still have your email, so will try to remember to send you one.
I've already made the announcement that I'm not attending a baby shower.......
July 24 2008, 6:13 PM
.....of a woman who's not even pregnant yet (my sister in law in going to drop the bomb any day)!!!! Yeah, I got problems I know, but I look at it as self preservation
Take care and do what you need to do; tell your husband to shove his invite
andrea
Just my 2 cents. Everyone else said what I would've, too.
Take care of yourself, Pandora.
Meg
Me: 37, 7/07 day 3 FSH 11.2, CCT day 10 FSH 16.3
DH: 38, SA great
DS born 2003 on Clomid cycle
TTC#2 1.5 years
10/06: BFP, m/c at 7 weeks
7/07: dx high FSH, got the DE speech
8/07: IUI (100 mg Clomid days 5-9) BFN
9/07: Met with RE, went to all the "required" appts., only to get dumped by RE for no apparent reason. (Loser!)
10/07: Changed REs; Day 3 AFC of 6.
2/08: New RE, even crappier FSH of 20.5. RE will do IUI w/ injectibles next cycle, but not IVF.
3/08: Another new RE, much more positive; will do a couple IUIs then possibly IVF.
3/08: BFP chemical on natural cycle; FSH 26.2; AFC 10
6/08: FSH 3.8 (after two months of acu and herbs)! AFC of 8. Starting very low dose IUI: BFN.
all of which I'd second. I certainly wouldn't be going unless I was feeling very very strong.
Truly, they just sometimes don't get it at all.
Hope he gets it real soon...
You are entitled to have your own feelings! If I was in this situation, I would absolutely say no! If DH got upset, I'd say tough! You have a right to protect yourself, why should you have to be miserable & want to run away crying just because DH wants to have dinner w/ them?? Tell him to go himself or have lunch with the friend alone!
I am just finishing off a bottle of wine (can't believe I am doing it all on my own). H and I are not having the best of weeks. I did not end up going (nor did he). I am sure we will get through it (I can tell he already knows he is in the dog house and is trying to suck up a little-as he should). Anyway, thank you all from the bottom of my little twisted up heart for your support. Thanks for letting me know that I am not a total heel even though I often feel like it. Off to bed with my kitties (and maybe H). THANK YOU!
