This is a bit random, but does anyone else routinely contemplate deactivating their Facebook account? Especially when you're in a bad place regarding TTC? Basically these days the majority of my friends are either pregnant, just had a kid, or are working on their second. Some days I can handle it; others I can't. I've "fixed" my settings so the most prolific status updaters aren't in my newsfeed, but once in awhile I'll stumble upon a conversation between two of my friend's that breaks my heart. Tonight, for example, I read how one of my friend's (now 9 months pregnant) wrote on my other friend's (has a 2 month-old) wall about how she was trying to embrace her "post-pregnancy body" as "a sign of your body's capabilities to produce life, and to embrace that strength and wonder.."
When I read this I started to cry because my body can't seem to produce life and I don't understand why or what is wrong with me. And while I know this isn't my fault, I often find myself feeling defective, angry, and ashamed.
Does anyone else ever feel this way? I usually try to remain somewhat positive no matter what during this during, but I'm really struggling these days. (For those of you who know my story, I'm headed home to see my pregnant little sis in a couple of days and I'm a bit nervous.) I have been seeing a counselor to try and get through this, and she has helped a lot. But today has been rough....it's hard for me to see past this veil of sadness that I feel...
I think about deactivating my FB on a daily basis. I am so tired of hearing how so-and-so "Loves being a Mommy!" and how another pg so-and-so "loves feeling my baby kick inside me". GAG. Part of me feels sorry for them for having nothing else to talk about, and another part of me wants to write a really snarky comment back to them.
I think it's a totally normal feeling for people in our shoes, fwiw.
When you get to the other side of this challenge...
June 13 2011, 4:57 AM
No matter how all this turns out for you, because of what you went through, your empathy and sensitivity will be endless. You'll think about making any posts like that or saying certain things because you'll be able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person. It's one of the good things that comes out of a whole lot of bad things. One example for me? I realized how much I referenced my parents, such as how much I look forward to seeing them or how I leaned on my mom for this or that... to my friend who lost both her parents within a year of each other. It took my sensitivity to other people's PGs to appreciate this.
In the meantime, I wouldn't use Facebook. You won't miss anything, I swear!
If you scroll to the right of their newsfeed, there will be, I think an x pop up, or there is an x there, or something, and then you click it and it will pop up with questions, asking you if you want to block their feed. I will double check and if it's something more to it, I will post again, but that explanation should do it. I think it helps to block people that are too much. That way you can still have contact via FB email, if you want, and they can contact you, but you don't have to see every detail all the time. They also will not know you block them.
I deactivated my account for exactly that reason. It just made me feel anxious, jealous, and angry, and then I felt guilty for having those feelings. I think most of us probably feel the way you do. You have to do what's best for you, and take care of your emotions. What was said earlier is true - this experience truly makes you a much more sensitive and empathetic person.
As for your sister this weekend... I know exactly how you feel there, too. Just do the best you can. I'm sure your sister knows you love her and are happy for her, but that this is a challenging time for you. And that's ok. I hope your able to find even a few minutes over the weekend to be by yourself if you need to.
... but I would add that, if possible, don't allow yourself to be saddened by their joy.
You must protect yourself on your down days, I totally agree. Don't go on Facebook when you are having a down day, absolutely.
But if I may add this prospective?
Personally, the only person I blocked was a friend who HATED being pregnant and whined about it constantly! All the time. Drove me NUTS and I was getting madder and madder ever time I'd read a post. So, I blocked her. But the others, the ones who are so excited, I am excited for, too! At least they are appreciative of what a wonder it is!
I also know that if I had never had trouble TTC, if we had gotten pregnant on the first shot, I would have posted like crazy about it! And, if we ever do now, I will appreciate the miracles it is and post about it, too!
I think if we do not let ourselves be joyful about what gives us joy we are not being ourselves at all.
I sometimes post about my dogs because they are part of my life. I have friends who's dogs have died. I am not insensitive to that, but life goes on. I post about my mother who I adore, though my friend has lost her mother, because I appreciate all the more that I have mine still. To edit out what might be taken the wrong way or possibly cause others pain in bringing back memories would be to edit out half of my life... and then I am not me. Plus, maybe those posts actually bring people happiness by bringing back good memories or hopeful thoughts.
I wonder if there is someone you can talk to about this, just to help you with your sister? This must be such an exciting time for her, I bet she wants you to be a part of that! Maybe not every day but most days?
Good luck, turn off Facebook when you need to and hang in there!
((((HUGE HUGS)))) to you!
I think you took what I said a little too far (child ment)
June 13 2011, 10:21 AM
Was only trying to be helpful to OP. I don't think what I said implies that I "edit" my life. I wasn't really referring to Facebook as much as personal interactions. I don't go on and on about how little Joey gets so much of his looks and personality from me to my friend who adopted. We talk about it, of course, I just have self-awareness. And there's nothing wrong with that.
this had nothing to do with you or your choices or even what you wrote, I had to go back and re-read your post to know what you were referring to.
Of course we are all sensitive to those going though loss of any kind. I was just giving the other perspective on why sometimes people post on Facebook as they do, that it is not necessarily them being insensitive to her.
There is nothing 'wrong' in anything that you posted, I would never say or imply that there was. That is not who I am.
My apologize for writing in a way that you misunderstood. I was only trying to help.
I totally hear you. That line that she wrote makes me want to vomit! That being said I agree with Sarah, if it ever happens to us it would be hard not to celebrate every last detail about it. And I love what Grad said about the IF experience making one so your empathy and sensitivity will be endless. Last night I went to my very good friend's birthday. My transfer is today and I haven't been able to sleep for day I'm so scared. And when I saw my friend last night I remembered how she couldn't sleep before the baby was born because she was scared of the birth. For a moment it was so clear that no matter what happens in our lives we all have struggles and while the outcome is unknown we have to help each other go through it. While this board has been the most helpful tool getting through this I never would have been able to make it without my friends who have no experience with IF. They talk to me on the phone while I give myself shots so that I'll be distracted form the pain, they meet me at the clinic when my husband can't make it, they never change the subject when I have to talk about this. And while sometimes they say the wrong things or their children distract us I am so grateful. I hope you have a great visit with your sis.
im sorry you are having such a hard time sara. to answer your question, i dont go on FB anymore....i didnt deactivate my account, but i literally, just dont go on there. ever. i stopped going there for other reasons besides ttc...now that we are ttc and cant get KU, it is an even greater reason for me to never be on FB.
im so sorry you are having such a hard time. you dont have to be positive all the time. i hate to hear of women struggling with IF so sad and crying (even though we all do it, and frequently) it just sucks because no one deserves it.
Hover in the upper right part of their status update on the news feed page and you can block the person. Once you feel better, you can always unblock them. They wont know you did it. I blocked every one of these freaking annoying people who complained about being pregnant or how their kid pooped in the toilet. Or the TMI folks talking about their kid's diarrhea. EVEN worse were the people who announced they were pregnant after taking 1 pee test. I wanted to message them and caution them about what could happen (chem preg, etc) but always stopped myself.