I think this is Goodbye (mc mentioned)March 22 2012 at 2:46 PM
|Anonymous (no login)|
I want to start out by saying to all of you amazing women who make this board a haven- I am grateful to each and every one of you these past months. You have given me tremendous insight and knowledge, held my hand when I needed support, you taught me what strength is, you have listened to my stories and offered solid advice and I will never forget that. Ever. I do want to peek on here to check in on all of you, because I genuinely care about you and hope with ALL my heart, to see you succeed.
As you know, I have sought 2, 3 and 4th opinions about this fibroid. One vag u/s led to a saline sono, led to a hysteroscopy, led to saline sono #2, led to an MRI, led to 4 Drs telling me to leave it alone-
Today I sought one more.
This Dr actually examined me. The others I saw, did not. They just read the reports and went by them. This Dr also read those same reports- the copy of the first sono saline pictures, the hysteroscopy report, the MRI report.
He gave me a vag u/s and said that in his opinion, this fibroid IS going into the cavity, (it IS intramural in the uterine fundus)and SHOULD come out. He said it would have to be done via abdominal myomectomy.
Then he turned around and said "this might even cause implantation problems, but if you wanted to do IVF I would tell you that I'd be okay with you doing IVF with the fibroid, but if it doesn't work, of course, we will tell you it's most likely because of the fibroid and at your age, IVF most likely won't work the first time, so you really have to think about it. But I'd definitely do another water saline and most likely an abdominal myomectomy " These were his exact words.
I told him thanks. And that we only have ONE shot at IVF so thanks for letting me know that it probably won't work anyway the one and only time we can do it. Thank you for that. He left the room.
Something- I don't know what exactly, maybe his tone, maybe thinking of another sono saline and how godawful the first one was for me and I swore I would never go through that again, maybe his lack of compassion, maybe the exhaustion of ALL of this, maybe now not trusting the other doctors because this one said take it out, maybe the reality setting in of the fact that we can only do one IVF and knowing my chances of success round one are crap (as he said), maybe because this coming Monday the 26th I was supposed to have our baby girl and I am having a horrific time with that, I am absolutely devastated, maybe that it only takes ONE doctor to say "take it out" to flip me out- I don't know- but something in me died today. I guess it was my last ounce of hope. It's gone.
I got in the car and just cried and cried, screaming crying, like I have never cried before in my life. And I'm still crying. But this time, I turned to my husband and I told him "I don't want to do this anymore, I can't do this anymore, I just can't endure one more day of this, please tell me we can stop" I begged him to forgive me and to not resent me for it, and to be with me on this. I have never been so miserable in my entire life. Ever. It's beyond- because I know we have all felt this way at one time or another, but this- is different, something that I can't explain- no more fight in me. A feeling beyond exhaustion, that I've never experienced before because I have always been a survivor, a fighter. Don't tell me I can't do something. To equate it would be saying I feel almost completely dead inside. Completely destroyed and in pain.
I feel bad saying this because some of you have been through far more than me and are still going and god bless you for it!
This is something that I've been feeling since this fibroid in Janaury, (every day, a little more and I suppose today was the last straw,) in addition to my endo, my (as this dr called it ) high FSH, because as he said, we have to go by your highest reading, my age, my 4 losses. Noone knows why the losses. I'm sad all the time, I cry at least 2x a day since August 17th, 2011. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I know every doctor has an opinion but something like this- to leave it up to a patient who is struggling so much with what to do, for me, is just too much to bear. Take it out and risk scar tissue and never become pregnant as Dr Check said, or leave it in and risk a miscarriage as this dr told us today. How do you decide what to do? I mean, how? I can't. And suddenly, the opinions of the other drs mean very little because of his opinion today.
To only be able to do ONE IVF- is so stressful and it's taking a huge toll on me. We would be taking the very last of our savings and spending it on the meds and the rest of the cost of the IVF and that's very scary, very stressful. Especially being told "the first time it most likely won't work because of your age"
Hearing those words- us, a couple who will be financially depleted and I mean depleted from doing that one IVF- it's tough to swallow. We have no family to help us, nore are we in any position to finance a few cycles. I started to realize this the other day when I was on the phone with fertility pharmacy and they told me with our insurance, we would be spending 6K on medicine to do one drs protocol. That's alot for us, especially when we still need to add money to the actual procedure. Just 5K would be alot for us at this time. We're really struggling since the economy went bust a few years ago. My husband, an architect, lost a very high paying job and is working in retail, making less than half of what he used to make. I left a high paying job after I kept losing pg's and freelance work has been non existent. Without all the details, its been really hard.
Maybe that fibroid is the reason we haven't conceived in 6 months. Maybe it should come out. But I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want anymore procedures, RE's, statistics, heart palpitations in the middle of the night knowing that this will 100% drain us.
I have always dreamed of being a mother. The day I became an aunt was the happiest day of my life. Loving those children and watching them grow, teaching them things and hearing them laugh- was a blessing and I'm glad I had that for a little while. If god blesses us with a baby, that will be wonderful. But I have to let all of this go.
So, we aren't going to do IVF. No OOT monitoring. (First we tried with the fibroid getting in the way, this month, we went and the nurse did bloods on me but "forgot" to do cycle bloods, I called them three times and noone called me back- draining, stressful, upsetting- especially when needing to know when to go in for another u/s and bloods). No more begging radiology centers to squeeze me in and winding up in tears because they don't get it. No more. No more RE's. No more me online all day reading about why I can't do what for everyone around me, is so simple. No more stress. We will keep praying to the saints that it does and sticks. But I can't live with the emotional, physical, financial, mental costs and pains of doing this anymore. The "why didn't I get a call back" "why is this doctors opinion not the same as the others" the "oh god another sono saline". We can't pretend that we can do things that we just can't afford.
I'm going to get a new therapist, someone who specializes in infertility and pray DH will as well, and try to accept the hand we have been dealt. I pray that he won't want to leave me and find a fertile woman to have a baby with (I dont think he would ever do that, he loves me very much and our marriage is strong but ever since my body has repeatedly failed me- I can't help but worry about that because he wants a child) I need to try and heal from the losses I have had, I never did heal from them. The pain of those 4 losses- there are no words. Not knowing why they happened hasnt given me any closure and I need to come to terms with that as well. I want to set small goals for myself, like "go 2 days no crying" to cry every day for over 7 months, is a horrible way to live life. I probably need medication, something I have fought my entire life, but maybe it's time for me to try some.
I am sorry this turned into such a long post. Thank you for reading it. I think I can honestly say that this was the most painful thing I have ever written- the truth hurts. Thank you for always looking out for me and god bless each of you on your journies to motherhood, I hope the journey there is a short one and you all are blessed with your hearts desires. I will peek in on you from time to time because I adore you and maybe who knows, maybe one day, I will be back.
With love, Teresa
|March 22 2012, 3:06 PM |
As I read your post, I was thinking of all kinds of things to say in response. But personally, right now, I don't think that's what you want (because I'm the same way;)). This decision is yours to make and we all have our own breaking point. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending you big hugs while you work through this. If you change your mind and need a cheerleader, please let me know:)
Re: I think this is Goodbye (mc mentioned)
|March 22 2012, 3:14 PM |
Teresa- My heart breaks for you. I see all your pain in what you've written and I am so sorry. You have been through a lot, it is all senseless, and it all just stabs at the core of who you are. While you're clearly hurting so much, you also seem to have some really good plans to take care of yourself and I think it shows a lot of strength that even at your lowest, you are still fighting to save yourself and your DH. Please continue to be good to yourself and whether you're here or elsewhere, know that you have a bunch of people cheering you on for a happy and fulfilling life, no matter what you decide to do from this day forward. I have faith you will find your way through, one way or another. Take good care.
Re: I think this is Goodbye (mc mentioned)
|March 22 2012, 3:20 PM |
I just am so so sorry for all you have gone thru, and I know you have heard it before,but try CNY for their low cost IVF cycles and 2 year interest free financing as well as split DE cycles with financing it is close to you cheapest in US and compassionate Dr. I know it is hard to keep going, and hard to not keep going. Good Luck on this diffucult journey
do u work for CNY or what?
|March 22 2012, 5:11 PM |
If u do, stop advertising here, because you are embarrassing the clinic.... MAD FACE
Re: do u work for CNY or what?
|March 22 2012, 6:43 PM |
No sorry only hoped to give some low cost options for someone who might need to know..
DE ment in above post (nt)
|March 23 2012, 8:19 AM |
|March 22 2012, 3:29 PM |
Albany IVF has IVF cycles for $3,500 with a ((minmum)) down payment and interest free for one year.. Looking for at least a chance for you to try..
|March 22 2012, 4:01 PM |
My heart goes out to you, Teresa. Each one of us knows our limits and how much our bodies and hearts can handle. Sometimes it just gets to be too much. You need to do whatever is best for you and your husband, so you can alleviate the sadness in your life. You are very strong and courageous, and I can tell you have a very kind heart. I wish you peace and happiness. Sending hugs.
Re: I think this is Goodbye (mc mentioned)
|March 22 2012, 6:19 PM |
I wish that I could come to where you are and give you a hug. I'm so very sorry that today's Dr. just added to your confusion. I think that it's a great idea to find a therapist that specializes in infertility. You have been through a lot. A good therapist can help. I've had 5 losses of my own so I understand what you are going through. It makes you numb. You feel as though your life has been ripped apart. I think you said it best...many of us have been to the dark place where you found yourself today or close to it. All I can say is this...it's hard to make life-changing decisions when you are emotionally and physically drained. Take a step back. Maybe a BIG step back. Come back to it if you desire to...or if you choose not to..get some help to help you deal with your situation going forward. Take care and be well.
|March 22 2012, 6:39 PM |
I am so sad for you. I can just feel your sadness, anger etc. Sometimes it is all just too much. I'm sorry the dr today didn't say the same as the others, opening up the can of worms so to speak. It SUCKS that you can get so many different opinions on the same fibroid. How are you supposed to know who to trust etc. I wish I had better advice or at least could take you out for a cocktail!
I understand the $$ issue. IVF is tough and it is very hard to put all your eggs in one basket (pardon the pun). Having been through 3 IVF's with nothing to show for it, I would have a hard time telling someone to just go for it when the % chance isn't good at our age even without other "issues". It is a crap shoot and to the "just try again" people, it isn't that simple etc.
I do agree with Dee though that you should take some time off, see the therapist and see if you still feel the same about stopping once you've been removed from the day to day heartache of IF treatments/doctors etc. It is no one else's decision when you've had enough. I think it takes a strong woman to walk away from all this since we know what that means for the rest of our life. We can't go back in time and change that decision later on. I've always said that I felt I would know when I was done. You may be there and you have to trust yourself if that's the decision you want to make. I wish you much luck and hope that happiness comes to you soon in whatever form even if it is different that what we may have imagined.
Take good care of yourself.
So sorry you are going through this very difficult & trying time.
|March 22 2012, 8:22 PM |
Sending you a big cyber hug & agree with Dee & Mrs McIrish. All the best - I totally hear you on the finances. I have used an online pharmacy that saved me thousands on the meds. They pissed me off during my cycle in december so I am not inclined to recommend them anymore. However, someone posted Is.ra.meds on these boards a couple of weeks ago & they are equally competitive. I know this is not the time for it but just want to help with options. Take care
Hugs to you.
|March 23 2012, 7:28 AM |
I just wanted to send special hugs to you. I echo what others have said. Take some time for processing everything and if decide you need the board, we are here. If not, we wish you healing.
I've shared this before (lots ment)
|March 23 2012, 10:51 AM |
So sorry :(
|March 23 2012, 3:10 PM |
Dear Teresa-I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I know that my words will not take away the pain or frustration you are feeling, but I wanted you to know that I can totally relate to how you feel. IF SUCKS. It truly does. It takes something away from us, like a part of us that we can never get back. And it's definitely not fair. I felt exactly like you when my IVF got canceled. I cried so much, I was so angry, and I told DH that I was done. Then we did something we haven't done in a LONG time. We tried to make the best of it and we went and did things we haven't done in 1.5 years or more...went to see a movie. Visited the seashore. Walked the boardwalk. Went to the zoo. Visited the park. Went to AC and played roulette (well, we were "stuck" in NJ for 4 days so we had to go, right : ) ) Wow...it was FUN. (well maybe not as fun as it should have been, but it was fun doing stuff together!) I realized we hadn't done most of things in SOOOO long. WOW, what an eye opener!!
So, what's my point? I know you have mentioned that you feel like you've not enjoyed life much lately, so I hope you go out and start doing the stuff you used to enjoy with DH. I had forgotten how important it really was. We (like you) got married 2 years ago, and pretty much since then we've been strapped on the IF rollercoaster ride (and I know this is a very short time compared to many people here)...but gosh, we have to make time for ourselves and enjoy life. We really do.
I also just wanted to say something else...the message in Alli's link is very powerful...I hope you have read it by now
Sometimes we have to just open our eyes or listen for the "sign". You will know it when you see it. Maybe you have seen your sign, and not known it. Or, maybe you haven't gotten the sign yet. We have no idea what the sign will be, or what is in store for the future, but I truly believe that whatever your sign is it will lead you and your DH to something beautiful and wonderful, because you are a genuine, caring person. And whatever happens or what that sign is, I hope you keep us posted
Sending you many hugs,
Hugs - I'm so sorry
|March 23 2012, 5:29 PM |
Teresa - I don't have much to say except a trite re-quote:
When Conan O'Brien (least likely of all people) left or was forced to leave his show, he had some parting words:
"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get.
But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.
I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, it's just true!"
~ Conan O'Brien
Best wishes in all your endeavors. Peace. Rebekah
I remember him saying these words...
|March 23 2012, 6:08 PM |
They moved me then and continue to do so.
Thanx Rebekah for reminding me. Xo
Hi, Please read. (DD ment)
|March 23 2012, 8:20 PM |
My heart breaks for you because you are so sad. in life, we have to deal with what we are dealt with. When i first started my IF journey, it was hard. Like I mentioned in my previous posts, i do have 3 fibroids and did have a baby with them. In fact, i needed a C-Sec because one of them blocked the baby's .
I had a huge cyst a year after I got married and on exam, that was when I found out about fibroids too. It was not monitored well and so it ruptured and I lost my right ovary and tube and almost lost my life. FSH shot up and I was told I may never conceive. A year later, I had another surgery to remove a cyst on my remaining ovary and part of it was removed and so i have been cycling with a mini ovary and prayers and a tube messed up with issues.
i was told stuff about M/C if I was ever lucky to get pregnant. Cooper gave me that chance. But in order to succeed, you have to take that chance and see what happens. Have faith and trust that doctors do not know everything. All that other doctor can give you is statistics.
I once had a doctor tell me my results were so bad and they had never seen pregnancies with my fsh level(they never called me with my result and that was their answer when i called). My mum hugged me when I thought my heart would break and told me to trust God and to never give up.
I did not but went ahead and did my research and found this board and Cooper. fast forward, from 2002 till now, i still have my cysts, fibroids and i am still ttc #2.
Trust in faith, trust in God if you can, and try that IVF. You never know. It could just work for you.
Thinking of you
|March 25 2012, 12:22 PM |
Teresa, I'm so sorry to hear that everything has been so painful and confusing. I was hoping you would get a definitive answer from the most recent doctor. I hope you can get some relief and that things will start slowly but surely to feel better. Maybe even just making your own decision about what you want to do with IF will give you some sense of empowerment. I know I have to work at not feeling that I'm at the mercy of IF and all it's craziness. Whatever path you take, just know I'm thinking of you and will continue to keep you in my prayers. Hugs to you!
|ks - Old Timer - (from DE Board)|
I'm Sorry (DE ment.)
|March 26 2012, 3:06 PM |
I'm so sorry to read about where you are today. I know this place. It is a hard, lonely, exhausting place. Take your time away. Time for you to be you again. Time to find you again. This process is so very diffcult. The monthly let downs, the depression, the guilt, the finances, all of it is CR@P!!! Trust me I've been there. I stepped back as well. I had to for my own mental health. I found I was crying more than not at one point. Everyday was becoming a struggle.
When I stepped back out of all this I did feel like 200 lbs was lifting off of my shoulders. But I still found that I was angry and my heart was still heavy. To deal with the anger I started going to the gym, getting my nails done, etc.. Y'know doing all those girly things that fall by the wayside while you try acu, wheatgrass, organic living, vitamin popping, etc...And I did some soul searching. Was my goal to be a mother? How important was it for me to experience pregnancy? Was the genetic connection something I could overcome. I really thought about all avenues of parenting. Fostering, adoption, or DE. I contemplated these while I ran, while I rode my bike, and one day the smoke cleared for me and I found the right path for us.
I know that the economy is F'in terrible! I hear you there! And all options of ttc are expensive. But you will figure out what route is best for you and you will find a way. And you know what, you might take time away and find that you are very comfortable with your DH and that being a family of two is something you can accept and cherish. I ramble about all of this because I want you to understand that these boards have a home for you at anytime with any path you choose.
I will say this though...Being a DE mom is the greatest gift I have ever been given in my life. And if you are ever looking for someone to talk to about your options with DE please feel free to visit the DE board.
Someone who has been there!
THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR KIND WORDS
|March 27 2012, 6:40 AM |
i have read them all and i appreciate every one.
making some changes...just deleted my facebook account. signed up for massages at massage envy and had my first one yesterday. i havent felt so good in so long from one hour of massage! looking for a new job and just taking it one day at a time and learning to accept being in this place of leaving everything alone right now.
i will keep in touch.
lots of love and my best wishes for all of you to achieve your dreams quickly and painlessly. i mean that from my heart.
I love the update Teresa
|March 27 2012, 7:37 AM |
I've been wondering how you're doing, and I'm so happy to hear you sounding better. I'm pretty jealous of your massages and maybe someday I'll also break free of my addiction and cancel my FB account...
Good luck with the job search- I think that makes such a difference to improving well-being. Thinking of you and thanks for the update!
|March 28 2012, 11:08 AM |
I have to be honest...I am definitely feeling the withdrawal from FB. Gosh, I didn't realize how addicted I was to it. LOL!
I hope you are doing well, I will pop in to check on you! XOXO
Hi Teresa (religious post)
|March 28 2012, 9:03 AM |
As you know I've been on my lenten break from this board (even though it's still lent, something has been pulling on my heart to check the board the past few days and this morning I gave in, but told myself I'd only post if there's someone who really needs support..and here you are). I have to say, the break has been very freeing. I think there's something about the board that made my anxiety about IF worse...even though many times I found good advice and support. I've been able to focus on my family much more now, and I am leaning on God much more than I was (without knowing that I wasn't)
I'm so sorry you are in such terrible pain, and you deserve better. I've been through one loss myself and it was hard enough (and there was a good explanation for it I found out), I can't imagine doing it 3 more times with NO explanation. It may have been your fibroid but as you said there are many Drs who said probably not, so that doesn't help at all.
If you think it's right in your heart to walk away, then do it. God is walking with you and it's ok to lean on Him. He will carry you if you need that too. It's ok to be mad at Him and scream at Him in the process. He can take it, and He won't stop loving you. I think a grief counselor is a good idea right now. Not just for your tangible losses, but the loss of possible future genetic children as well. There's something about not being able to carry a baby that just makes me feel like less of a woman. It IS what makes us women.
I don't know if you are open to adoption, but there are some adoption agencies that are actually run by the Catholic church and give priority and reduced fees to families like you; unable to get pregnant for medical reasons and currently childless. They do great work helping pg women and women with IF in need. If that's something you're open to researching in the future, I would recommend it.
Many blessings, and I will be praying for you and wherever your journey takes you.
I have been thinking of you, Laura
|March 28 2012, 11:06 AM |
Laura, It is very good to hear from you!! I have thought of you often over the past few weeks, wondering how you have been. My heart really hurt for you because I know your pain and sadness all too well. I'm so sorry for you. You are very strong and you have an amazing faith that I am in awe of because for me, my faith has been destroyed by this. I'm just numb now. But- I'm glad the break has been good for you. It sounds like that's what you needed and it's good that you were able to recognize it and rest a bit. Please continue nurturing yourself and pace yourself. You will know when you are ready to take the next step.
I keep coming back to check on people here, it's very hard to just walk away from this board, the people, the reality of it all. Thank you for your kind words to me and for giving me food for thought about adoption. My heart is open, Laura. I just don't think we would be able to afford adoption. We are also living in a one bedroom apartment right now, so things would have to change drastically for us to even pass a home study. It's sad, because DH and I have so much love to give. I have thought of making an appointment with the priest who married us, but right now, I am too emotional to sit with him. Maybe he can give me some guidance.
I am planning to help our financial situation by going back to work, so that's one step. I am struggling daily with where to go from here, but I guess that's to be expected. I never know from one moment to the next, how I will feel. It's only recently that I've been feeling very angry. Despite all the IF problems and the losses, I really never got mad. I was sad for so long and now I'm just angry. The other day, I was thinking back to when I was younger... having conversations in my early 20's with my girlfriends..."I'm so worried I won't be able to have a baby" now those girlfriends all have kids and I am the lucky one who drew the short straw I suppose. I guess it had to happen to someone. None of what any of us are dealing with is fair.
Just when I think I'm making progress and feeling okay about leaving this alone for awhile...I'm still dealing with the last RE I saw last week. He had said he was going to consult with his associate and he called last night. He wants me to have yet another sono saline and I just can't do it. My Dr who did the hysteroscopy and the 2nd sono saline, who knows this RE, said "have him call me, i would be happy to discuss the fact that I did this in the OR and your ute is FINE" However, he gave DH an attitude about calling her, saying "it won't change my mind, it's what I recommend- another sono saline" (His IVF clinic also "batches" the procedure so he told me I have to have it April 23rd) and I said "thats cycle day 14 for me- this test has to be done before ovulation" then he said "well you'll have to wait then another month" At that point, I said "thank you very much" and hung up. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I feel completely abused and like I fell through the cracks...like- what Dr cares about Teresa?
I am AMAZED that so many drs have such different opinions about an intramural fibroid, but they do. That sono saline seriously scarred me for life, it hurt in a way I can't describe, and I just dont want to endure that excrutiating pain, even under anesthesia, I have been under anesthesia 5 times in the past 7 months. I dont want to find out I need that myomectomy and have to spend 4 nights in the hospital with all its risks. It's a 2.3 cm fibroid and there are tons of opinions on these things. Dr Brasile didnt think the fibroid was the reason for my loss last summer, either, so who is to say this Dr is right and the others are wrong. My OBGYN who did the surgery said leave it be, the RE from NSLIJ said absolutely leave it alone, even Dr B said leave it....Bottom line, I could have this surgery and wind up in worse shape from scar tissue than by leaving it alone and praying for the best. Or- the fibroid could be the reason DH and I can't seem to get PG. God Knows.
So, that's where I'm at today. Sometimes I ask God for a miracle, but I don't expect anything. I ask DH why last summer we were able to conceive and now we can't. Why? I know so many people who have kids and suck at parenting and they get pg at the drop of a hat. I am trying HARD to work through my anger because all it does is make me bitter and I dont want to be that woman. I deleted my facebook, I dont watch the TV, I am getting massages and thinking about going back to acupuncture for stress, finding a new IF therapist and planning some fun things for DH and I. I am trying to look at the "plan b" of my life..maybe volunteering with children, doing something to help others. One hour at a time.
Thank you for reaching out to me while you are having such a hard time yourself. Please keep taking care of yourself and I hope that your faith remains strong. You're a good example for me to remain faithful. Without faith, we don't have much, do we. I will be around. I'm very attached to the good women here and despite my struggles I want to be able to support the others here as they have done for me. XOXO Lots of love, Teresa
|Current Topic - I think this is Goodbye (mc mentioned)|