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Heart hurts today

June 17 2012 at 11:38 AM
Sara Q  (no login)

 
Just got a BFN best test back about an hour ago.

I didn't really expect this cycle to work - it was TI with letrezole and a trigger. But it was the first cycle that I've done with an immune protocol and the second since they removed my endometriosis.

I really wanted to give DH a amazing Father's Day. He would be such a good dad and that's all he really wants in life. It's no doubt that IF hurts me horrible, but it really hurts me to see him hurt as well.

Today was also the day I was supposed to graduate with my PhD, sigh. While I know that will get done eventually, everything happening on the same day just feels a lot like a bitter pill.

Sending out love to all of you (us - need to remember to send love to myself too!) that are still struggling with IF.

May our future Fathers' and Mothers' Days be very happy ones and may we look back on this IF nightmare as a journey that made us better parents and people.

With compassion and empathy,

Sara Q

 
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Jen
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Hugs to you

June 17 2012, 1:25 PM 

It's horrible enough to get the BFN, but it's really hard when it's also on a special day. I know for myself that even though I've been through many "special days" that ended up with no BFP, I always still have that little hope that maybe this time this day is the one. I'm praying for you and all of us that we will get our special days. happy.gif

 
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Sara Q
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Thanks Jen

June 17 2012, 4:46 PM 

Thanks for your message Jen.

It's hard not to hope, isn't it? happy.gif Especially on special or significant days.

I hope and pray that you get your BFP as well. (And that day, I'm willing to bet, will be the most "special" of all - holiday or not.)

Take good care,
Sara Q

 
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Jen
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Thanks Sara! nt

June 17 2012, 8:12 PM 


 
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Sara H
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Sara Q, I think you have voiced what so many of us have felt. (pg ment)

June 17 2012, 1:34 PM 

Different days hit so hard. I got really bad news on my birthday, when I was expecting only good news, so it was like a double hit. We try to steel our hearts against things just like this but sometimes, sometimes, it just comes out of the blue and hurts so much more.

I also know that I had some things that needed fixing and it took a few cycles, at least 6, after that to find success. I hope that it does not take as long but that something similar happens for you... and everyone!

I am so sorry and hurting for you. Hang in there and as we say so often: be kind to yourself.

Huge hugs from NYC,
Sara H

 
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Sara Q
(no login)

Thanks Sara H

June 17 2012, 4:52 PM 

Hi Sara H,

It's good to hear from you, even despite crappy circumstances.... Thanks for your kind words. They really make a big difference in me feeling not quite so alone.

I'm so sorry that you got bad news on your birthday; that is a truly crap-tastic blow. I really hope that everything is okay with your pregnancy and that (soon!) you will get to meet your little one! I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

And I really do hope that this is a "growing pain" and that we find different results in a few months. Honestly, I'm trying a little to steel my heart against the heartbreak of it never working, so it kind of feels like I'm just going through the motions a bit - hope is a little painful sometimes. But it always crops up, doesn't it? wink.gif

Wishing you so much happiness,

Sara Q

 
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Laura
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So sorry Sara.

June 17 2012, 4:03 PM 

A BFN always hurts, even when we expect it. I hope your RE learns something from this and will bring you success soon. Tonight, drink some wine and take a long bath. Hugs to you.

 
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Sara Q
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Thanks Laura - good advice

June 17 2012, 5:04 PM 

Hi Laura,

Thanks for the message and the good advice - I've been "wine-free" for about 2 weeks, so I'm going to drink up...wink.gif Wine, chocolate and fresh cherries after BBQ chicken and corn on the cob off the grill I just bought DH to assuage our pain a bit. (Who says retail/food therapy is not effective?!)

Unfortunately though, I don't think my local RE is all that interested in learning anything about my cycles anymore.....which really makes me sad. They didn't even call me to tell me about the negative beta - they sent me an email, which is a first. I guess after 2+ years even the nurses probably get a little depressed about the situation.....I sometimes imagine them drawing straws to see who has to call me.

Even if the RE was interested in learning something from this cycle, I'm not sure there's much to learn honestly. Lining looked good, follies were there, P4 was high with support after ovulation. (But of course who knows whether egg and sperm even met, this being TI.)

We have learned a over the course of the year, for sure though. They found endo, removed a septum, kept monitoring my DOR (which is definitely getting worse but not exponentially) - AMH measured about 0.7 last year (but 0.24 2 years ago, which is weird), FSH is low, and my AFC has been a steady 6 for 6 months. Immune issues are still a problem, but are now at least being treated. A specialist looked into DH's anti-sperm antibodies and doesn't think they should prevent fertilization. I honestly can't imagine there's anything else to find.

Maybe Coo.per will be able to help us with a low stim IVF in the next couple of months. I'm somewhat excited about the possibility of something new, but also scared about being an OOT patient with them. I haven't had the best experience trying to coordinate with the nurses so far....but we'll see. Sometimes great things happen when we don't expect them.

Sorry if this post sounds down. (I just reread it...and wow, I'm a ray of sunshine!) LOL. Oh well, wine and chocolate, wine and chocolate.

Thank you again and take care,

Sara Q

 
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Nancy
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sorry:(

June 18 2012, 10:34 PM 

I am so sorry you are feeling down. Bfns certainly suck and even more so on special days. I had a bfn during my third iui...i got af on my birthday and it even came too early to take beta. I know you just started the immune treatment and I really hope it works. Don't give up on it and hopefully it will only take one more try:)

I hope you are feeling better soon!

Nancy

 
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