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Really, 'Anonymous'?

June 27 2012 at 7:04 AM
Sara H  (no login)

 
(Continued from post below, but I know this is probably about to cause a storm so I started a new post, so that the new member would not feel this was, in any way, about her.)

Your comment:
"She came her for advice, not guidelines on how to use the board!"

The note was not for you, it was for her.

These are the same notes I have posted for people for 3 years and EVERYONE, but you, finds them helpful. These are things I would have found helpful when I first joined and I was JUST TOLD on the PG board that other people have found them valuable.

You, without a name to stand behind, just chose to be snarky and see the negative.

Some of us try to help, not just make snide comments in some hit and run. Maybe you need a reminder, read the top of the page, there is no anonymous posting allowed.

I have to guess you are the same anonymous from below, not that anyone could tell since you chose to hide, who tells people who are scared that they "need to breath"?

"i think you need to breathe" as you said.

I have not posted here in a while and just started trying to help again. This kind of response it JUST the reason why.


 
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AuthorReply
Alli
(Login AC2009)

I saw that and was going to warn you

June 27 2012, 7:11 AM 

You are a sweetheart. Dont let it get you down. I guess there was a big raincloud somewhere.

 
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Alli
(Login AC2009)

Rude to Hadas also (nt)

June 27 2012, 7:11 AM 


 
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Sara H
(no login)

:-) Thanks, Alli! (NT)

June 27 2012, 7:13 AM 


 
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Hadas
(no login)

Thanks

June 27 2012, 11:10 AM 

I thought so, too, as you could tell based on my reply, but I didn't want to pursue that further.

Thanks!

 
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Jamie
(no login)

Sara, this just happened to me on the over 40 board

June 27 2012, 7:13 AM 

I hear you. It is so annoying and cowardly that someone wants to say something snarky to us but doesn't have the decency to post with her name so that all may judge her post. I am pretty sure that I know who commented anon on my post, and it's a very well-known poster who has received tons of support and sympathy from everyone there, including me. It is a nasty stealth attack that brings the whole tenor of the board down.

Other women have received this treatment and some have been driven away from the boards. I refuse to go. This board was a lifeline for me in my darkest days and I am going to keep posting whether cowardly people want to attack me. They are showing their character and integrity through their behavior, and I refuse to let it determine my decisions.

 
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Alli
(Login AC2009)

I have a feeling on who it is too

June 27 2012, 7:20 AM 

Just saw that Jamie.

 
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Jamie
(no login)

yep!

June 27 2012, 7:33 AM 

If you read how the person writes and the person's particular issues/beef with me, I think it's rather obvious.

Anyway, I know that you've received this treatment too, Alli, and I'm glad that you are still here. happy.gif

 
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Houston
(no login)

I agree

June 27 2012, 9:02 AM 

There is no reason to be mean to anyone on these boards. If you are thinking something rude, enough so that you know not to post your name, you should probably think it to yourself and not write it. The purpose of these boards is to support one another. I understand anon may have some issues as a result of infertility, and perhaps that is causing you to act out in this manner, but it really is not helpful at all.

 
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Houston
(no login)

I forgot to mention

June 27 2012, 9:03 AM 

I have no idea who is doing this. I haven't had a chance to try and figure it out. So, anon, please don't take this comment personally, I am just trying to be helpful and prevent you from hurting others with mean comments.

 
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Sara Q (from the other board)
(no login)

I agree....enough already (very blunt semi-ranting post)

June 27 2012, 1:37 PM 

Sara H., I'm sorry that you were attacked by the anon post. I don't know who is posting these nasty posts, but I have had quite enough of them as well.

Warning: do not bother reading the following if blunt posts bother you. I've never written a post like this before, but truly, I've had it with these nasty, negative anon posts.

As some folks who've been around these boards for awhile might have noticed, I don't post as much as I used to anymore. Part of that is because I'm just exhausted after trying for nearly 3 years with no luck. Part of it is also that I'm really busy with work/school, adoption, and IF stuff that I have no time. BUT part of it is because I am sick and tired of the negative tone that has started to permeate this board.

If I (or anyone else currently with or who has perviously battled IF - unsuccessful or successful) want to interact with people that make us feel shit, then all we need to do is step outside our door. Go to the park, the zoo, an OB's office, your cousin's house, whatever. The world IS FULL of people who do not understand what it means to struggle with IF and who will might (usually unintentionally) make you feel terrible.

This board, in contrast, is meant to be A PLACE OF SUPPORT for women TTC. That means that in this space we should be able to relax a little, knowing that it's a little safer, a little kinder, and a little more welcoming than that outside world.

Thus the way I see it, there is NO place for snarky, rude, negative anon comments on this board. Sure, everyone has the freedom of speech and if you want to be rude, no one is going to stop you.

But what is going to happen is that people like me are going to stop coming to the board and offering support to people like you, anon poster. Which, if you're still TTC and looking for support Anon, is not good for you.

One thing I have noticed during the past couple months is that the anon posts are often directed at women who have been very active on this board at one time and have went on to have success, like Alli and Sara H. That makes me wonder if the person who is writing these posts has not had success and is angry and resentful of these women for achieving what she has wanted to but has not been able to. To that I say this - I understand feeling frustrated, left out, hopeless and angry. I really do. Nearly everyone I have struggled with in the past 2 years, both in real life and virtually, is either pregnant or has had their child except me. This makes me feel so ridiculous terrible, alone, and resentful. It's a horrible feeling to be left behind or to feel like you have been singled out or to feel like you are the only one that is failing (even if you know it's not your fault). Believe me when I say I get it.

But lashing out to women who have been in our shoes and have found success is NOT the answer. It will not help you towards your goal - and to be frank - you are shooting yourself in the foot by alienating one of the main groups of women who make up your allies. Do not forget that these women also went through the hell you and I are going through - some of them for a very long time. And while it's perfectly understandable to be jealous and resentful, it's not okay to lash out and alienate everyone involved.

Hold your head high Anon. Don't let this journey turn you into a bitter, nasty person.

Okay. Venting over. In case you couldn't tell I've had this on my chest for some time.


As always,
Sara Q

 
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Sara Q (from the other board)
(no login)

I'm not from the other board......

June 27 2012, 1:38 PM 

....squarely from this board - sorry. That's the name line I use when I post on the Over 40 board and it just came up automatically. (Probably b/c I've been posting there more than here....hmmm. That says something....)

 
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Alli
(no login)

Hugs to you Sara Q

June 27 2012, 3:05 PM 

I know it's hard. You have a wonderful attitude. I know your dream will come true.

 
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Jamie
(no login)

BTW, same here!

June 27 2012, 3:34 PM 

I really respect your wonderful attitude; when I was in the thick of it I just kept telling myself that I refused to let this turn me into a bitter, nasty, angry person who begrudges others their happiness. Hats off to you and I too KNOW that you will get to motherhood. When it comes it will be that much more amazing.

 
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Jamie
(no login)

AWESOME post, Sara!

June 27 2012, 3:32 PM 

Yes, I have noticed that too . . . people who have eventually found success are the targets. In my case, I am certain that is why this person resents me, along with the fact that I try to bring hope to those who need it rather than just spread doom and gloom to new people.

I'm really disturbed by how these boards have changed. When I first came here four years ago it was the most amazing place with this cohesive group of women who really lifted you up and helped you see that you had a chance. That is what they did for me and it saved me, and sustained me through some very dark moments. Now, I feel that there is so much bitterness and negativity from a few people who have not found success and it has changed things. I don't even feel that I could post good news on the 40 board; the only place that is still welcoming and positive would be the pregnancy board. This is sad.

We should all band together and land on these nasty anon posters HARD. In fact, I'd like to see these boards go login only, but until that happens we can change the board norms as a collective by refusing to accept these stealth attacks.

 
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Erin
(no login)

You go Sara Q! And agreeing completely...

June 27 2012, 4:06 PM 

I 100% agree with everything you said and love how you said it. You have every reason to be exhausted and frustrated and I too love your attitude and your continued compassion for others.

Anonymous- I have no idea who you are, nor does it really matter. What does matter is that you are hurting many people with your angry, nasty comments and it needs to stop. The fact that you are angry, sad or feel like you've perhaps been hurt by some on this board is no excuse to make the comments you do. If someone steals from you, is it okay to steal from others? What if you get shot? Is it fine to shoot someone else to make yourself feel better? No, it clearly is not. So please, either deal with your anger constructively or take it elsewhere. Almost no one has joined this board as a consistent poster in months; many regular posters have stopped posting. This is in part to your and others' nasty comments for which you take no accountability posting as anon. That is so very unfair to all the women who have struggled for a long time and still need support (like Sara Q and MANY others) and newly diagnosed women who are looking for a safe place to get information and voice their concerns.

As for the many of us who have been avoiding the board b/c of this BS, I recommend taking the board back. This board has been a lifeline for so many of us, and it needs to continue to be. If we could just follow the guidelines written at the top of the page (including the LARGE, BOLD, RED, ASTERISKED note about not posting anonymously) I think we could return this board to the life-changing place it has been for many.

 
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Sara Q
(no login)

Thanks everyone!

June 27 2012, 4:30 PM 

I agree.....let's take back the board and make it more positive! It felt good to write something that I've been thinking about for several months....;0

 
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Laura
(no login)

Totally saw it

June 27 2012, 5:34 PM 

But for the same reason didn't respond. Didn't want the newbie to think it was somehow directed at her. And, btw, you DID give her advice...what a wacko.

 
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Sara H
(no login)

Thanks Ladies!

June 27 2012, 5:44 PM 

And Sara Q!
I TOTALLY hear you. I think we have all been there, in our different ways. I wish there was some amazing words of wisdom but I don't know what could help except to say we are here for you.

Everyone else:
I am so grateful you agree and glad I gave everyone a place to have a voice! I was worried I was starting a fire... but sometimes a brush fire clears the way for new growth! Everyone had some good points, thank you.

Yes, lets come back to this board and lets getting it going again as a place where people get the help they need!
(Not that it hasn't been, 99% of the folks have been great and there has been tons of good advice, but let's bring people back and get more active!)

Hugs to all,
Sara H

 
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GreenEggsNHam
(Login GreenEggsNHam)

We need our "elder statesmen" and to be kind to each other.

June 27 2012, 5:55 PM 

Sorry, Sara H. We do need our "elder statesmen" who have made it to the other side.

I agree with the other posters, we should be supportive and kind to each other. We need a safe haven for a freak out or asking questions and getting information.


 
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Anonymous!!!
(no login)

Way to feed into it.

June 27 2012, 6:44 PM 

Right, none of you have ever posted as anonymous. Yes, it was rude, but this thread makes it worse, and makes logging on her tonight atrocious. Good job.

 
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Sara Q
(no login)

Nope, have never posted on this forum as anonymous

June 27 2012, 6:55 PM 

I really have not. If I can't say something to someone without using my "name" (which itself is not identifying) then I don't say it. This is supposed to be a norm of the community, and if you cannot respect the norms of the community, than maybe you should ask yourself why you want to be part of the community in the first place.

I'm sorry, but logging on here tonight was atrocious, but no one has done this "to you." We are simple responding to a pattern of behavior that has been hurtful, hateful and alienating to people. Enough already. Posting mean, rude comments is hurtful to people. (And remember, this behavior has never been directed specifically at me - but it's affected me all the same. I don't participate in the board as much because of it. It make me feel sad, upset and like the purpose of this board - to be supportive - has been lost.)

It is obvious to me that you are hurting and angry. I am really sorry for that. Like I said above, I have been there - I AM there - and I get it. There are days when I just want to hit people because it's so unfair. But there is really no excuse for talking to people in the way that the "anonymous" posts do. These women are not your enemy.

When I said hold your head up high above I meant don't you want to be able to hold your head up high when this journey is done with? I know I do. And for me that means treating people with respect.

I'm sorry, I just cannot tolerate rude anonymous posts anymore. That is not what this board is about. If you want to post with your "name" in a respectful way, then you are more than welcome here - and people, including me, will do their best to support you however we can. But the purpose of this board is to support each other, not tear each other down and I'm not going to shirk away from the board anymore - I want to build a supportive environment again and these rude anonymous posts are counterproductive to that.

 
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Laura
(no login)

Ok, now I'm confused

June 27 2012, 9:05 PM 

Now you're admitting it was rude, yet, I don't see an apology.

And no, I have never posted anonymously to blatantly attack someone else. If I'm having a bad day, I don't post.


 
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Jamie
(no login)

I too have never posted as anonymous

June 28 2012, 5:39 AM 

Only a coward attacks under cover. If you have something to say, say it with your name. If you don't want to put your name on it, then it shouldn't be on the board.

 
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DeeinNYC
(no login)

Truly Don't get this

June 27 2012, 7:25 PM 

What could have possibly been objectionable about your welcome post? Personally, I think it's great. Th anon poster clearly has a personal problem with you because the response to your post was out of left field. I think the advice given above was dead on. If you can't/are not willing to put your name behind a post- you might want to think twice before hitting the send button. Anyway Sarah, hope all is well. Ignore this little bit of nonsense.

 
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Teresa
(no login)

Let's remember we're all in this together-

June 28 2012, 3:42 AM 

It seems that the anon poster is attacking those who have had success. Not sure if it's related at all, but Alli was also a victim of it awhile ago, where she wanted to leave the board after being "attacked" because she was trying to help someone who needed it. As I posted on thunderdome, not sure what is triggering her because it doesn't happen consistently.

IF sucks but please, don't let it make you bitter and resentful. It's one thing to feel frustrated and want to give up, I know I wanted to throw in the towel just a few months ago, it was too much. But to attack others isn't accomplishing anything here. Don't let IF define who you are. It's horrible YES, but sometimes you have to step back and focus on all the good things present in your life. I also know how hard it is to do that and I'm not trying to downplay that it's simple. I will never forget the path I've walked and my heart goes out to all who are still on their way to success.

The boards offer such good advice and it should be a "safe haven" where everyone can pour their hearts out and lean on each other. Not a place of intimidation to feel like you can't ask a question or feel afraid of getting attacked. Come on, let's remember we are ALL on the same team!!

 
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DeeinNYC
(no login)

Yes and a comment

June 28 2012, 4:54 AM 

ITA with your post. Just wanted to say that I don't think it is one anon making the comments. One stalked Alli andiagnosand you ask me, one it seems has a problem with Sarah H and one seems to have issues with Jamie. Can't imagine one person having issues with all three. I guess you never know though.

 
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Anonymous
(Login di_nyc)

On anonymity

June 28 2012, 2:31 PM 

I agree with this Dee! I'm very familiar with anon posts and trolling in other online communities (not saying all the different anons on this and the over 40 board are trolling, but some of the comments could definitely be described as that), and these posts don't read like they all come from the same person to me either.

However, I think it's important to draw a distinction between anonymous posts that are negative or inflammatory, and anonymous posts where people just need to not reveal their identity for good reasons due to their personal situation at a particular time. I know we all have usernames that aren't our full--or sometimes even our real--names, but a lot of identifying details do become associated with our profiles here over time. Which is fine with me as I have no reason not to post as myself and can't imagine I ever will, but I know people have different situations in life, and I would hate to see someone not ask for help just because she was afraid to post under a known identity or pseudonym for some reason or other.

In other words: not all anon posting is always bad, and I think most of us can tell when someone is posting anonymously for negative reasons. When that happens, as in the response to Sara's welcome post below, I personally feel like the best thing for me to do is just try to ignore it (even if the post is upsetting). In my experience, people often don't persist in behavior that doesn't get them the desired response. So I think that the more people adopt a "do not engage" policy, the more effective they will be in getting the negative anons in question to knock it off. As always, just my opinion, but I really value the resource this community represents, and I hate to see people more unhappy than they need to be due to having to deal with infertility in the first place!

 
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di_nyc
(Login di_nyc)

And of course that just posted anonymously!

June 28 2012, 2:34 PM 

Sorry, that post above is me... I got accidentally logged out while composing it and didn't realize. The humor is not lost on me. happy.gif

di_nyc

 
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DeeinNYC
(no login)

Totally agree-not all anon posting bad

June 28 2012, 8:05 PM 

People post anonymously for many legitimate reasons. Some do not want to divulge that they are pregnant or may be pregnant and have questions. Some are going through something personal to them that they want to express or seek help for and do not want to reveal their identity. I see nothing wrong with anonymous posts in these cases. The problem is when one posts anonymously and says hurtful things that they know they would never say if their identity was revealed. Personally, if I have something not so nice to say, I just say it.

I will also go on record to say that I have posted anonymously, but never to post about anyone. The rare occasions that I have done so has been to be discreet about a personal situation.

 
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Sara H
(no login)

I agree, too!

June 29 2012, 6:18 PM 

It's a good point about anon posting and well said. I guess I just mean when someone is hiding behind it, not using it to ask a personal question.

I have posted anon but NEVER to say things about some else or make comments, just to ask questions that were personal.


happy.gif

 
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Sara Q
(no login)

I agree too

July 1 2012, 4:51 PM 

Although I've never posted anonymously, I can see reasons for doing so that don't involve hurting others. It's the hurtful anon posts that are extremely problematic.

 
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BrewersFan
(Login voxfan)

I greatly appreciated the welcome post from Sara H when I joined here...

June 28 2012, 11:48 AM 

I appreciated the "heads up" about everything on this amazing forum.

I found the welcome post to be just that - welcoming!

Please don't go anywhere, ladies. Your comments/insight/experiences are what make this crazy rollercoaster tolerable.

 
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