I feel that I'm in a really difficult place right now. I can't even describe really what is happening to me, except that I fear I might be going insane. Still, there is something telling me that I have a gift.
When I was younger, I had dreams that were roughly symbolic of what would definitely happen in reality. For example, I had a dream once that I was out to eat with my parents and one of my friends, and we were eating lobster. When I woke up, my mother had immediately come into my room and said, "Do you want to go to Maine with Dad and I? We are going out for lobster and you can invite Pam." However, my friend didn't end up coming. In the dream also, there was a point where I got horribly lost coming back from the restaurant. And in real life when I went with my parents, there was a moment where I couldn't find them, and felt the dream was coming true. It only lasted a few minutes, unlike in the dream. That is just one example of the dreams I've had... there aren't a ton that I remember, but definitely a few similar ones. I even had a dream about a pretty significant political event that happened a long time ago. I won't say what it was. But what happened is when I woke up it was breaking news on the television. I remember saying to my parents, "Well that happened yesterday, or last night. I definitely remember seeing this exact broadcast." They looked at me like I was insane and then told me that it had just happened.
These are just little things that I had always brushed aside. When I was little also, a few times I heard someone calling my name. I would have dreams too that there would be nobody in my house, but I would go into my room and there would be a small gift on my bed. In the dream I would be terrified because I had no idea who left it there. It was impossible. And I had always felt like an invisible benign force had left it for me.
I could get into my experiences with sleep paralysis, evil and my accidental ability to astral project. The funny thing is about all this stuff, is that I KNOW it means something. I know something is trying to tell me something. Ironically enough, I come from a very religious background and therefore have a huge tendency toward skepticism. I feel like I didn't ask for this, and I have been the most atheistic and scientific kind of person that exists. If it wasn't for this intuition, I feel like I would remain that way. I also know that my nightmares and night terrors are tests. Something wants me to get over my fear. I can't explain why I think this, but I just know.
I have also known things here in there that seem to pop into my head. For example, I have known intuitively when my boyfriend has been doing things I wouldn't approve of in the past. Also, I recently told him that I could not stand it when he's angry, even if he doesn't show it, because I could almost literally feel and see the destructive and evil thoughts that bombard his mind. When I told him this he said I described it pretty accurately. I feel like I know when people are lying, or trying to cover up their true emotions. I can tell a lot of times the thought process behind people's behavior. I don't feel psychic in this manner or emotional about it, it's just that I know.
I have also noticed lately very obvious signs and symbols in my life of something guiding me. This is what has been driving me insane. I feel that I can see things that are meant for me. I can tell when things are signs and when they are coincidences. I feel like it must happen to everyone, and people just aren't necessarily as perceptive as I am. This really freaks me out because I know that imposing meaning on things that may be random is a sign of madness.
I could give very accurate descriptions of this that most people would think were uncanny, even for a skeptic. I really don't know how to explain it. A small example is that I have been compelled to move to NYC for a while. One day when I was walking to work, I just randomly thought about this. I was compelled to look down, and there literally right in front of my feet was carved into the sidewalk, "I love NY." The other day, when I was thinking about all these signs and symbols and how they relate to a creative calling, I began to think about the music that I create. A girl next to me was reading a book called "Songs Without Words." I thought it was ironic, so I began to read over her shoulder. I noticed the main character in the book had my name. Then when I skipped down a few lines, it had said, "You're the creative one, you'll do something great." I feel that I really can't ignore these kinds of things happening to me.
What has prompted me to post this today, is when I was coming back from coffee this morning, I began to count the license plates on cars. I have this OCD tendency to add up the outside numbers until you get a percentage. Randomly, a number popped into my head, the next license place I counted the percent it came out to was that number. When I consciously thought of these numbers and tried to guess it didn't work. It only happened one other time that a number popped into my head. The number was six. In my mind I said to myself, "How can it be six, it's usually a two digit number." My head immediately, without thinking, turned right and looked at a car in the parking lot with a four and a two which adds up to six. This is weird because I was only focused on counting the cars in the street. I would think of this as a guessing game and coincidental if the feeling of intuition was not involved. The thing is, every time I was right I have no idea where the thought came from. I have no idea what compelled me to look at the car in the parking lot. I know this sounds completely insane, but this combined with all the other things that have happened to me is really making it difficult to deny any of this.
I am sorry this is so long, but if anyone has any similar experiences, or can suggest something for me to read, or can even tell me what is going on here, if I'm just reading into things or if you think I'm onto something, I would really appreciate it. I can't talk to my friends about this, or even my boyfriend, they would think I was insane!
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