Alrighty then girls, sounds like to me the men are having some fun with the "Womens English" thread. So here is one right back on them. Just a few funnies to get us going......

Men are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Men Are Like...

Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Curling Irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Alrighty then ladies, I know there's more....
Boys, bring it on!!!!! But remember this guys,
Man does not survive on words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

Tell you what Cas babe, you aint met the right man then.

casue im , caring, kind, loving and wonderfull lol

so there you go lol


takecare babe

John xxx

p.s. does any woman know how to open a can of beans, im a bloke i dont have a clue lol

Ohhhh rite John ....
~ shaking head here ~
Helpless you are ...
LOL

Well I'm not sure where all of this will lead ...
But ...
Here's my contribution to it all!!
~ wink ~
*******************************

How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

What do men and mascara have in common?
They both run at the first sign of emotion.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.

How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

*************************************

erm .....
Have a nice day guys!!!

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put
in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?
**********************
He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa.
**********************
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I
gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
************************
On a wall in a ladies room . ... "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it . . . "I do not."
***********************
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
***************************
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
********************************
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
********************************
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and
good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
*********************************
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every
night?
A. A widow.
***********************************
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
************************************
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
******* ****************************
I think the last one is my favorite....Are the guys at a loss for words here? Oh, that's right, don't want to eat your words....It's alright guys, I've got nothin but luv for ya!

LmaoOOOooooo ....

All good stuff there Casalyn!!!
And erm ....
Have you men out there no responses???
~ batting eyelashes oh so innocently ~

Here's a joke I read recently which made me laugh!
Hope you'll enjoy it as well!!

*****************

SMART WOMAN

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across
at
her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and
she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. "I want the
house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.

65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit
card! s and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete flyover. This
makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: Isn't there anything you
want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've
got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 80 mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles.

"The airbag."
***************************************

Ok so men are pretty much useless and here for the "womans"soul amusement.....

right then

Next time the car breaks down,dont call into a garage, they are run by men

Next time the washing machine, or dishwasher springs a leak.........do you know a female plumber?

Dont even think about any building work on a house.

Have you noticed just how many of the technicians are male when you take your computer to the repair shop because you "accidently" did something you should'nt have done.

Just a few examples dears...tis all...

Oh really....Now Orakal, your not telling me that women "can't" do those things are ya? I know your not telling us that! Because...I personally know many women, who are feminine, that do those things you speak of. Fixing computers....Yes, there are many men in that field..But that could be only because they aren't men enough to do some kind of real labor for a living.....Fixing cars....Oh, yeah, I know 3 women who are very good mechanics...One is a foreman in the garage she works at..That one in particular is also happily married, and has three children...So, no, she is not gay...Construction workers...Building of homes or doing remodels...Yup, I know women who do that also. I know women who are plumbers, architechs, brain surgeons, police officers, FBI agents, correctional officers, electricians, glaziers, computer techs, basketball coaches for a male team, soldiers in the army, navy, marines and airforce. These are just many women I know personally. Think of all the other predominantly male work environments that women have made a move on in the past decade or so, and just look at how successful those women are. Women who work in a predominantly male environment do it because they want to. And they work a heck of alot harder than their male co-workers...These women know that they must prove a point that just because we are feminine, pettite, and oh so cute, we can still get the job done. Ever think that maybe women call upon men to do the little things because we know that men need that ego boost. We know that men need to feel as if they are the "man" and women still need him to fix our flat tires..PHEWY!!! PLEASE!!! We can fix our own tires if we wanted too...But we as women know that we need to give the man charity, if you will, let the man think that he is needed for more than sexual pleasure, and reproduction. The sexual pleasure part...Most women know their own bodies better than any man will...So, they can inturn please themselves better than any man could. So don't give me that whole line of "Next time you need this".... Because, next time we need that, we will call on a man because we want to, not because we have to. Got it!
And just some more quips for good measure:
Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Q. When would you care for a man's company? A. When he owns it.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Now guys...Don't get me wrong...I love men! They are such easy targets....If you guys need that extra boost, I will post a "things we love about men" thread. Would that make you all feel better about who you are? Yup, we can do that...

My last response made me think of some more really good male bashing quips....Love ya guys, but you make it soo easy!

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.
Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.
Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.
Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.
Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.
Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.
Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.
Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

<-----------well and truly told!

Now, I responded to the women's english thread to show what a good sport I can be..But, here are some classes men need to take too!

CLASSES FOR MEN!!! OPEN TO MEN ONLY!

Evening classes for men. Starting this month!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their
contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.

Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders?
Round-table discussion.

Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures
and explanatory graphics.

Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they
levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your
significant other. Helpline and support groups.

Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in
the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open forum.

Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to
your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life
testimonials.

Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she
parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother
and wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises,
meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering
birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're
going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of
making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to
drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and
beautiful women."

"That's women's work."
Really means.."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to
'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "...And I sure hope I think of some
pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall right into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."