When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair? What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

Never in a million years, i was not that kind of woman, i would never go outside my marriage, i have a great sexlife within the marriage... never never never

What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I tried not to judge, but eventually i realized that i did judge.... get out if you're not happy... i had many opinions about it... altho i had friends who had or were having affairs etc. it wasn't my style... i was in love with my H still after 20 years of being together, why would "I" have to go outside it for much of anything.......

Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.

BUT, over the few years before my EMR, H became depressed, i became depressed, the whole damn house was depressed, even the cats ;}} i started to pick up on my H's negativity, which he can be good at, which i'm thinking so could i LOL

i had started going to goddess friend's houses for all girl's all-nite parties, talking, playing, and coming back in the most wonderful positive mood and learning to accept my shadows and my weaknesses and laugh at myself more and more..

the disparity between H and i became more and more and i had been talking of leaving him during this time, getting angrier and angrier at him.....

and yet, due to my own issues, i couldn't hurt him like that, i couldnt' tell him what i needed.... people left me for less, i couldn't stand to be left again......

the EMR wouldn't have happened if a man from my youth hadn't come back into my life for the 4th time, once at 7, 13, 18 and then 48..... the love i have for this man had never left, will never leave...

but that never meant that i didn't love my H, that was still there - it is what did me in, how could i love two men????

then the EMR, then the truth to H about my needs in this relationship, then the truth from H about his needs....... and the rest is history......

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

No way...that wasn't part of my upbringing, and it was something that just wasn't done.

It didn't take long though, with the bouts of unhappiness that I had, to be searching for what was missing from my life.

My current MM is not the only man I've had an affair with, but I am here to tell you this, he's the LAST!

What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I never judged, I just 'knew' that it was something that I would never do. When I was engaged to xH, and I caught him in bed with his xW, that I was devestated and should have probably bailed then...who knows, maybe it was payback!


Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.

Hmm...what kind of woman am I?? I am a good and loyal friend, an excellent mom, and healthcare provider. I am for the most part, an honest woman (this EMR thing kind of puts a slant on that honesty)

I believed in the sanctity of marriage, I truly did. But, when my xH was so busy doing 'his own thing' with the bottle, and spending more and more time away from home, I was extremely lonely. I hungered for someone to talk to, that would talk to me about things other than the bowling alley and want to take family vacations that involved more than going somewhere with 'the boys' where they could all drink while the women tended the kids. I wanted affection that didn't always "have" to end up in bed. I wanted a partner who was considerate of someones needs beside his own.
I loved the man. Believe it or not, I tried to reinvent myself to make him happy. To fit in with his world. It didn't work...I disliked myself, and disliked him more. We tried counseling...of course, when called on his drinking, he quit...I was a perfect co-dependent, I think. I admit that my transgressions started early on in the marriage. A one night stand with my HS sweetheart...three affairs. Always trying to find what I was looking for...never finding it. One day, I woke up and realized that he was never going to give it to me, and we were never going to find it together, I had to be on my own to find it, therefore the end of the marriage.

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

Frankly, when I got married I was a very immature teenager that was grateful for the means of escaping my controlling mother. I had this fairy tale notion that I would run off with my boyfriend and we would continue to just "have fun" together. In my mind, marriage was nothing more then one long date. (For the record, I've changed my views on this:)

Quite honestly, I had no concept of what marriage was all about. I was so immature that it never crossed my mind to think about future MM's or even to try to comprehend the "work" that is required for a M.

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What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I was very judgemental of the affairs I knew about. Hell I was judgemental about everything and everyone at that point in my life.

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Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.

I would describe myself as extremely angry and very very lonly. The marriage lasted 16 years and it was filled with disappointments. My H was emotionally and a few times physically abusive. I worked my butt off to make our home perfect. Followed the kids around and made sure they were safe. I worked, went to college full time, took care of the kids (3 and 8 at the time), cleaned the house, made the meals, paid the bills, did the laundry, entertained friends, and spread my legs when H asked. I recieved no emotional support. I recieved no help with the house or kids.

I was lonley as hell and I tried to talk to H but his nose was either buried in the TV or he was sleeping. I became nothing more then the house slave and I was damn angry about it. When the opportunity for an emr came knocking, I was more then ready. I craved attention. I craved the idea of being loved and cared for.

I do know that I had emotionally left the M long before the emr started. Once the divorce was in the works, I never looked back. My guy did not have to deal with any Sep-MW issues. I had dealt with all that stuff long ago.

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

No. I had been a BW in first short term marriage at 18. I was harsh and judgmental about the whole idea of being unfaithful.

What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I thought is was the worst thing that people could do.

Infidelity never crossed my mind as an option. I was raised a Roman Catholic and I knew my duties well. I served my God and my fellow man. I would never stoop so low as to humiliate my husband or dishonor my marriage vow. Never would I give it a second though.

Infidelity was the worst thing one could do other than murder. To me it was murder, a living murder because the victum of infidelity continued to live. Never in my life would I defile my marriage bed. I was a mother, a wife, a Christian and Christians don't do that!

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

Oh my gosh, NOOO! I was faithful to the very end of my marriage. I didn't believe in it - couldn't understand - fathom - the concept of seeing someone outside the marital bond. No matter how awful it was - no matter how much need there was in me for self-validation. I wasn't that kind of woman - I was the "good girl" - "good wife" - loyal to death.

What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I couldn't understand the concept of sharing intimacy outside of marriage. (not that i was actually involved in intimacy with the H) I just didn't believe in it.

Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.

Gosh - what kind of women? I can only speak for myself - I know I was an emotional black hole - I was so starved for affection, attention, for someone to make me feel "loved" - if only physicaly. I'm the "good girl" that still wants to remain "good" in my family's eyes. but somehow satisfy this empty ache inside myself. What the irony is ... this EMR causes as much pain and ache as it satisfies.

******When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair? *****

Oh heavens no. I was pretty smitten with my H, or at least the idea of being happily married. I have never been one to want to get into anything that could cause me to have to carry guilt or secrets. I knew life was complicated enough! Also I never even saw anyone who made me look twice. An occasional nice looking guy, but never one I would have been willing to risk what I had for an affair with.

*****What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?*******

Well, judge not, yadda yadda. I wouldn't stand around and talk badly about someone or think they were a slut just because they were having an affair. I did always realize that you never knew the whole story, there could be a lot of reasons an affair happens. My feeling was just always, "glad I don't have to deal with that"......little did I know....

no- i never thought i would. I always thought only morally bankrupt people did that. lol...
what kind of person was i beofre? I wasa Sunday school teacher, i volunteered at the schoold as much as i could, i went to church every Sunday and Holy day, I was very involved in scouting. But as a result of the emr- i just could not bring myself to go back to doing these things. ah well. 4 years later- i am still kind of with him... do not see much of him anymore. Hardly talk. I am still married. He is now divorced - he has alwaays maintained that i am a great friend. But he does not love me. except the way he might love a sister.... i pointed out to him that would be a very incestuous relationship. lol...
so. am i morally bankrupt? at this pooint in time- i guess i would say i was... because i am not going to give him up willingly- but i do not want a divorce. If he had ever told me he loved me- i would have divorced. My mom and my sisters tried to talk me into it- they saw what was going on...actually- what they said was they could SEE he was in love with me. LOL. But I could not see this- and since he told me he was not- and my h did tell me loved me- then i guess i stay with h... confusion here. oh well.

Although I'm not married, nor have I ever been, I never in a million years would have imagined that I would become involved with a married woman. Our afafir started before she was married, I should mention.

My views on infidelity aren't so black and white anymore. It was easy to say that was right and that was wrong without ever having experienced it. Now I know better. I like to think that I was a tolerant and understanding person before, but now I know I am.

Did I think I would?
Hardly! I broke the news of my father's affair to my mother at the tender age of 5. "Mommy, why was Daddy kissing that lady?". My mother leaned on me heavily throughout the ordeal, and I thought that a betraying spouse was worth than death.

And my attitude toward infidelity? I guess originally it was naive.. Why stay with someone you didn't love? Why risk love for meaningless sex? How do you love two people at the same time? Positions I had never understood because I hadn't been in them...

What kind of woman am I?
A gorgeous, high energy woman with a wonderful husband, an adorable child and a handsome lover. A woman who will never be fulfilled by one lover, male or female. A woman who wants to sample a bit of every life, and never REGRET not trying something.

I have a HS education, I'm not that brightest person in the world but I am far from stupid. Four years ago if someone would have asked me Would you cheat on your spouse, I would have said no way. My dad cheated on my Mom when I was growing up so I knew how this affects kids when they found out. Durning the end of my marriage (last 2 yrs we were living under the same roof ) I met someone in a chatroom who I got to know, we hit it off great and after a few months we decided to meet at a half way point. That changed who I was as a person. Thru everything tho, I managed to keep my affairs quiet and discreet, my Ex (as far as I know ) or my children never knew. I guess I was at a point in my life I needed some excitement, someone to make me feel desirable as a woman and just to listen.

Yes, I had two. I had a very unhappy marriage but felt very committed to my children. I was very discreet but got my emotional needs met elsewhere. I later found out my H was also having affairs, tho his daliances were more on the physical nature than mine where. I realized we both were that unhappy and it was time to get out.

I KNEW that I would have at least one affair. This is my third marriage. Each H was someone I had an affair with.

This is the first time it was with a MM. Of course I had heard that SW should stay away from them, because it wouldn't go anywhere. I didn't want it to go anywhere! Never asked him to leave W.

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?

Definitely not. H and I had the "perfect" courtship - I use the quotes, because underneath the surface, there were a lot of nasty things about him that I didn't know. I truly didn't know the man I married. He seemed to agree with me on everything, was easy-going, liked the same things as I did, was energetic and upbeat, everything that I wanted in a future H. Well, as soon as the ring slid on my finger, the nasty side came out - and stayed out. I was confounded. I blamed myself. I felt tricked. But I still loved him desperately and spent the better part of three years begging him to love me and treat me right. I didn't think I would ever have an EMR up until the very moment the first one happened with an old flame of mine. I thought I was strong enough to say "no."

mj

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair?
Not in a million years. I just remarried last year at the age of 39 and thought and believed that he would be the last man I would ever sleep with, or confide my personal thoughts and feelings. I truly love my husband....... but I love my MM too. But I love them in different ways.


What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?
My attitude has always been one not to judge. After all, I don't know what their private lives are like and perhaps their marriage is lacking something that only an affair can make the marriage work.

Please use this section to tell the world what kind of women end up married and in affairs.
I am a very happy and outgoing person. But lonely too, because husband is away on business for much of the week. My MM is someone whom I have known for over 10 years and we only started really getting to know each other about 7 months ago. Talking, confiding. I never thought I would sleep with him because I believed that it would ruin our friendship. We tried so hard to stay away from physical intimacy; but in the end - we couldn't stop. But it seems to only have added to it.

Absolutely not! That was a huge no-no in my bible belt upbringing. For 22 years I had eyes only for my h and no one else. I had two kids, I was a Sunday school teacher, a busy volunteer in the community. I was at every PTA meeting and even served on the board. I was pretty much Miss Squeeky Clean.

I never would have thought that I could have an A and talked about it with MM before it started. I could not deal with the guilt and the betrayal. I was one of those people who label OW negatively and always blamed the OW when I heard of A.

I NEVER thought I would have an affair. Hubby and I have been together since we were 16 (22 years ~ 15 married) and he was my "life partner." However, I was tired of being buds and the romance was gone. I felt as if I were married to my brother rather than a lover. I didn't want to be one of the boys any more. I told him numerous times that I wanted to go to counseling and he refused saying he "didn't have a problem." It was eye-opening... and all the time I thought we shared our problems. I do share my problems now but with someone else.

Oh God no!
Until I understood the dynamics of marriage, I had no idea that anyone pretty much is capable of falling for someone else. Meeting eachothers needs and investing all of our time and attention to eachother and our family, imho, is the key to keeping our marriage happy & fullfilling.
Live and learn!

It's actually almost ironic that the last post was June 1st. That was the day I first slept with my MM.

No - I never thought I would do anything like this. I can't say I was against it, I just never thought that I was "the type of woman" that would. I met my H when I was 17 and he was 21. We got married when I was 25, I am now 34. I love my H very much and I know he loves me. I really don't have anything to complain about.

So, why did I do it? I keep asking myself that same question. I keep wondering what the f**k is wrong with me, that I would do this to the man I love? I honestly don't have a really good answer. I guess I just need something different to add some excitement to my life. If anything, I'm bored. I know that is a poor excuse, but does it make me a bad person?

I have only been reading these message boards for a couple of days, but I get the impression that my EMR is somewhat different than most. What I mean by that is, I know it's not love and it never will be. He has no intentions of leaving his W and I have no intentions of leaving my H. I have NO right to love him - he's not mine. I also know that I am not the only EMR he has had. In fact, he had a girlfriend set up in an apartment when we first started talking about getting together. Maybe this just makes him a horrible H, but he's not a horrible person. But I can't help how I feel. I am extremely attracted to him and want to be with him again....soon!

The more I think about it, I don't think I could do this if I thought I would end up loving him. It wouldn't be fair to him, his W, or my H. (I know his W. She's a really nice person with a bit of a wild streak. I don't really understand why he needs to have these EMRs - but that's his business. I may ask him someday.)He didn't go into this looking for love and companionship and honestly, neither did I. Maybe I'm only fooling myself. I guess only time will tell.



Tgrlilly

When you married, did you see yourself as someone who could have an affair? No.

What was your attitude towards infidelity before you fell in love with MM?

I thought you should finish one relationship before starting another. Did not understand why someone would not do that because a relationship needed work and commitment.

Before I got engaged I did have fight with future husband and had a last evening with the previous boyfriend I never told him about. It was out of spite and anger and I felt quite guilty.

Even when MM and I were just friends I was against a EMR. Tried to keep it at just a friendly relationship, MM made me so happy and feel so good, shared so much of himself, was so honest to me, loved me as I am yet wants me to be all I can be.

I realized that my marriage is a huge charade of game playing and power plays. I got married because I did not want to be alone and was actually more alone than if I had stayed single.

i knew i couldnt be trusted, i have always had two men on the go once the initial shine had gone and had no reason to believe being married would change that. my first emr as mow was purely sex, we worked together but we didnt do the dating thing. sometimes we would join colleagues for drinks after work, but nobody knew we were seeing each other.
i never expected to leave my H. i was happily married, i was just left alone too often and once i found i could get away with it, i did.
then i met my soulmate, SOM. Bang, from our first date i knew my marriage was over, it was a gut feeling, i had actually met THE one. i did leave,SOM and i had 12 wonderful, faithful years together.

When I married my husband I was a very young and naive. I fell in love with the idea of what a marriage should be; a man who loved only me, acquire my own home, have children, attain a certain degree of independence. I was no longer a child, but a woman and wanted nothing more than happiness.

I gave birth to two little boys, we bought a nice home and I was happy and busy with my growing family. When my second child was 18 months old my husband had an affair with a 16 year old girl that he worked with. It hurt like hell when I found out because I denied him nothing, no matter how tired I was I always enjoyed having sex, I felt I was nurturing to my husband and gave him and my two sons my unconditional love. So how could he have done this to us?

I reached out for someone to explain to me how the vows I took in my church could mean so little to him. My family is old school and very religious. Divorce was unheard of. They told me that I had to make the best out of a bad situation and do what a good wife should do when she discovered her husband is having an affair.

She should take him back. Forgive and forget. And so I forgave. But I never forgot.

Raising my children brought me a lot of joy and after the affair, I babysat more children in my home. The only thing I felt was that I had somehow lost who I was. I had absolutely no independence. My husband was progressively getting more controlling and possessive of me. I couldn't go anywhere unless I had all the children in tow. I didn't realize it at the time, but while I was pregnant for my third child he was having a long affair with his boss, a woman. After my husband's proverbial seven year itch, I found out about affairs and completely lost the sense of what my marriage vows meant. For better, for worse, till death do us part? I was in it for the long haul and could never see myself giving into the temptation of retribution for the hurt he gave me. That is until five years ago.

I thought infidelity was something women and men did to get back at their spouses for their infidelity or other forms of abuse. If my husband had never had an affair, I would never have opened myself to even the possibility of having one myself.

Never in a million years did I think I would fall in love with a married man but I did. Over the course of many years and getting to know this man socially, we both fell in love with each other, spiritually first, then later emotionally and physically. I have been married for 35 years and he 40. We are both in it for the long haul with our spouses and love them as we would a sibling. We are committed to our marriages and to our families. And we are also committed to each other.

As a MOW, let me tell you, it is the hardest thing in the world to love a married man and to have him love you back but not in the fullest sense of the word. We can only be together once in a blue moon, but when we do, it is worth all the pain of not being together.