How long were you married when you began your EMR?
What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM? Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

How long were you married when you began your EMR?
19 years, 21 together

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM?
see other section above this one

Were you happy in your marriage?
see other section

Miserable? Indifferent? probably indifferent - more in other section......

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

first sentence about how M was affect see other section

how getting involved with MMchanged your perspective of your marriage.....

WOW, this is the big one..... it's not what changed in my perspective of the M, it was about ME.....

He woke my ass up, as many have heard... he made me realize again that i was important, that i had lost my spark, my love of life and laughter and needed to get it back again......

and in turn i was able to take that home and utilize it to improve my life and in turn my M ....

i am now the happiest i've ever been, doing the things i love with the people that i love doing them with..... My attitude is positive again ;}}

H is also the happiest he's ever been, started his own busines, we work together to make it better, our son has joined in that also....

Life is better after an EMR if worked with honesty and communication and the will to make it work.... an EMR is not always needed tho, that's just why SOM came back into my life, to help me get where i'm at and i'll always love him for that

How long were you married when you began your EMR?
What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM? Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?
****

I was married 15 years when physical EMR began. 12 years when it began emotionally.

I thought I was happy, but I was just numb inside. Deciding to live a good life with no passion, no fun, no spark. I think deep down I had been miserable since the day I married him.



Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

******

The state of my marriage??? lol....I think the thrill of the simple fact that MM talked to me was the biggest indicator of how lonely and starved I was in the marriage. It was a mechanical marriage in everyway.

My perspective changed as I opened up to feelings again. I had no idea how empty I had been until MM brought out feelings stuffed so deeply I had no idea they even existed. My perspective changed dramatically of my marriage. Some of the perspective was warped in justification of my feelings for MM, but much of it was a reality of deadness that I didn't want to face.

I was married for 14 year before I started my EMR. My marriage was at a comfort zone. H was working, coming home and being a dad. I was home, being a wife and mother. I was busy doing my Christian things and he was building computers. The outside influences were of no concern for they neither touched our lives or threatened our marriage.

Then one day, I decide to do something a little more secular because I was bored out of my mind. I became involved in a group that studied self defense. The instructor was quite the looker and looked at me he did. Wow, what the hell was this? I felt like a silly school girl. I felt; what was this feeling? Alive!

How long were you married when you began your EMR?

4 years married, 8 years living together

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM?

A mess - I had an 18 month old child and an alcoholic husband, who was running up major debts - I left him within 6 months of starting EMR, not for MM, but I couldn't have done it without MM, he's helped me through all of it - still waiting on my divorce.

Married 20 years when EMR began
Was indiferent to marriage when EMR began

I was looking for the company, was not out hunting for another man, just mixing with people where I could find the same level of intelligent conversation, people who didnt want to vegetate into old age, people who had passion for life and I fell in love with a man who crossed my path had same ideas and values as I and he just happened to also be married. Formed the most unbelievable loyal friendship, the sex came much later. Putting it bluntly married young, dont think I ever really matched my XH, he was never happy with me,always wanted to change me, boobs werent big enough so I grew boobs then I was too fat LOL, I was more a trophy than a wife/friend. With MM I am his best friend and thirteen and a half years later he still adores me just the way I am.

I was married 14 years when the affair began.

I spent those 14 years being true blue to my husband. I never looked at other men, nor did I ever give other men special attention. I was absolutely trustworthy. If I ever felt another man coming on to me, I would have guilt about it and confess to my husband. Infidelity was not something I thought about, because it was not even an issue. It was so irrelevant to my life.

The year before the affair began, my youngest had reached preschool age. The older 2 kids were in school, and I had some time for myself, once again. I began looking at my life. I felt boredom. My first instinct was to reach out to my husband. Our 13th anniversary was approaching, I had arranged the kids to be with my parents, and had asked my H to plan a surprise for us. I told him I wanted to go away for a few days together. We never went on trips alone and he had never planned a trip for us before. I suggested a B&B nearby. My husband did nothing. We went out to dinner on the spur of the moment, and that was it. A few months later, I once again asked him if we could go away and he responded with inaction. Later, he would tell me that he "just didn't think it was too important." A few months beyond that, I decided to plan a trip for us. I arranged airline tickets, hotel, the car, and even childcare... all I needed was an agreement from my husband. (money was never an issue) I had decided I would not beg or cajole, just merely present him with the plans and ask. He never replied. We didn't make the trip. At that point, I said I will never ask again to go away with him. That was the first breakdown in the marriage.

During those months, I had begun to look at my life. I accepted that I was not happy, but decided that happiness was just ephemereal... illusive... and probably overrated. I was also extremely verbal in stating to anyone that I was very committed to my marriage. Very committed.

During that same time, I began to lose weight. I had not lost weight from the 3rd baby and had become a size 16. I lost weight, rather easily, and got back down to a size 6. My H was not forthcoming with compliments. He said very little at all. Friends and family would ask "so what does your H think about your new appearance?" and I had zero to reply. He seemed to resent the fact I looked good and gained attention. My attempts to dress younger were often demeaned.

So, there I was... 13 years of marriage and a vibrant young woman had aged into a 37 year old mom that had little confidence in herself anymore.

But, I didn't enter an affair all at once.

At the time my H turned down a 3rd trip, I had begun reading political philosophy. I sent an email to the editor of a national publication. He emailed me back. I was stunned. I had gotten attention from a man based purely on my intellect. This particular editor was on TV news shows often, and I knew he was younger and single and attractive. He didn't know what I looked like, of course, but here was a man giving me attention for my opinions. I stayed up until 3 am that morning softly crying. A man had paid attention to me. It felt so new. I admit I developed a crush on that editor. I would joke with my best friend that I was acting like a jr. high school kid. But, I didn't care ... I had spent most of my life trying to avoid embarassment, so it felt good to embrace it for a change.

A few months after that, I ran into an old boyfriend I had not seen for 16 years. When we met again, he looked deep into my eyes when we talked. I was mesmerized. We spent the afternoon talking, with my H present, and that boyfriend looked into my soul, just as had when we dated. Although he was my first love, I no longer carried a torch for him, so this all took me by complete surprise. When I went home, I walked into my family room and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. I can remember the feelings vividly. At that moment, I realized I was living in an emotionally void marriage. Until that boyfriend looked into my eyes, I did not realize that nobody (h) had looked into my eyes for years. I felt like crumpling. That week, I began to emotionally shut down. I decided I would just exist in the marriage and try to sustain myself through a fantasy world. It didn't work. I emotionally checked out of the marriage -- and nobody missed me.

I would ask the H for attention and get no response. I would tell him I wanted more closeness, but neither of us seemed to know how to acheive that. I was dying inside. My hair began falling out. The stress was huge. It wasn't that H and I were fighting (no more than usual), but I had a taste of something so sweet I had forgotten all about... and desperately needed it again.

The old bf looked into my eyes and it exposed the deep hole inside my heart. But, I didn't want a R with the bf. He was divorced, and we still had a connection, but there was not enough respect for me to be involved with him.

Close to that time, MM re-entered my life. We knew each other as teens, had lost touch, but while on vacation the previous summer our families had spent a day together, at a very casual HS reunion. We agreed, later, that we both represented the strongest and most traditional marital unions of the entire group... so naturally, it would seem likely that we would get together.

Looking back, I see a very vulnerable and needy woman. I knew I was being ignored by my H. I think we took each other for granted. My pleas for more attention all went unheeded. I had to tell the H 3 times, 'I am needly, lonely, vulnerable, unsettled and ready for an affair' before he paid attention to my words. Then, he only placated me to the point that I would be settled enough to stay with him. The marriage has declined further, since the emr. I truly think that without the emr, I would still be living life with my eyes closed. The old bf has no idea how he opened up my heart again... but it was not he who filled it; it was my MM. But all along, I had been asking H inside and he declined the invitation.

In the beginning of the emr I would feel no guilt. I knew that everything I was giving MM was not even missed at home.

Together for 9 years - married for 6.

Difficult to say - it wasn't a mess but it wasn't right. We were just 'plodding along' - I felt unappreciated, unsupported, not allowed to have any life of my own.....the cracks were there in the marriage, I 'tolerated' my H touching me.....and I suppose deep down I knew things couldn't continue or last. The A started....and the marriage got worse. We started rowing all the time and the A confirmed all the things that were wrong with my marriage and made me want more from life....so I left.

No it wasn't that simple but I could go on for pages!

I was with my H for ten years, married for eight...lived together for one prior to M...My marriage was really bad, but I made it "okay"...even GREAT...I was mistreated, emotionally abused, controlled...all at my own allowance...then, in walked MOM, when I wasn't even looking.

I had on my "denial" glasses about my M...when I started really looking at the cold hard facts, I realized how terribly I had allowed my H to treat me....and MOM picked up the pieces...fairy tale ending? NOT YET!

I was lonely in my marriage when my first affair started. I had been trying to put spark back into it when I started chatting with MM #1. Ex's problems got worse, I was finding it harder to deal with, each time I brought up counseling he refused. After 2 yrs of this I gave up on marriage and asked him to leave.

Married for three years, lived together for six before.

I think I was just bored, and therefore ripe for picking. H never complimented me on anything, ever. MM complimented me on EVERYTHING all the time. Made me start looking at myself differently. Made me start looking at myself for the first time in years. I loved the attention and fell for it.

I was also lonelier than I realized. H and I have zero communication. He's a control freak and always has a better way of doing whatever it is I'm doing. You gotta get tired of that after nine years. MM said I was perfect in every way, how could I resist?

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM?

It was lousy. We were the couple that no one envied. Ripped apart by the H's borderline personality disorder, the violence, the blame, the neglect the irrational behaviors that I had to deal with day in and day out for years, it was more of a roommate situation than a marriage. Because H self-medicated w/ street drugs, our sex life was a total zero - I'm talking maybe once or twice a year.

I told H that something had to change, that he had to go into counseling and work through these issues; I let him know quite clearly that I was ripe for another man. Sure enough, about four years into our M, I had a one-night stand with an old flame. I was forthcoming with H and explained what I was feeling when I did it. I was so very sorry for hurting him; I apologized and did everything required of me to make sure that H knew it was "over." H never let me live it down, and for years brought it up just to hurt me. Which it did; I wasn't very proud of my actions.

All of this changed when he finally had his own EMR - a long term one w/ an OW who turned out to be just as mentally unstable as himself. I tossed his butt out of the house with dispatch and told him to come back when he'd worked it all out. He did cut ties, and made a pretense at first of working on himself. But it was all a lie. He was never really sorry for hurting me, and I doubt that he regrets a thing. Very little has changed, and the issues that plagued the M still exist. I know that a lot of it is, again, a by-product of his BPD ... but I can't help but to think that he has some control over things.

With OM (#1) and MM (#2), it's just so good to be around people who are positive about themselves and positive about life. I don't feel threatened by them, physically or emotionally. While neither were/are love relationships, it does give me an idea of what a mutually-respectful relationship is like.

Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

At first - the first 2-3 years, I was downright miserable. At the point when I had EMR #1, I was miserable, yes. I couldn't sink any lower. I was suicidal. Depressed. Very nervous, because I felt as though I was walking around landmines whenever H was home - again, the BPD caused him to tantrum and fly off the handle at innocuous things. Eventually after H's EMR had come and gone and he showed no remorse, I found that the only way to cope was to be indifferent. I don't give a damn how he'd feel if he found out about me and MM. I've become desensitized to whatever H throws at me. He gets what he deserves if he finds out, that's the way I feel about it.

mj

I wasn't married when it began, I got married during.

At the beginning of my EMR, I had left an emotionally abusive relationship, I hadn't heard "I love you" in 2 years, so I left. I had been in the relationship 4 years, from which I have a wonderful little boy...

After MM and I started seeing each other, I had minimal contact with exbf, mostly to do with our son, I had left the relationship long before I walked away. After MM and I had been together almost 9 months, exbf joined the military, said he wanted to make a life for us, he came to visit our son, we were married 2 weeks later...why? not sure...was it because I had invested so much time trying to make it work, that if I didn't marry him, I would regret it later? Was it because I couldn't be with MM? Was it for my children? Was it because it was easy, comfortable? I wasn't in love with my H, he is in love with me...I love him, he's a completely different person now, most likely because he realized I wasn't waiting on him anymore...I think of leaving often, but I always come up with a reason to stay...he's a good man, a good father, he can't handle it right now, we've got too much going on...etc...etc...etc...

I love MM, I hurt him, he forgave me...I can't fathom a life without him, I know I'll make a decision eventually and if I leave my marriage it will be because I don't like who I am when I'm with my H, I lose all sense of my individuality and strength, my spark, my passion, but for now, I'm here and until I muster the courage to walk away, I'll be here.

How long were you married when you began your EMR?

married 6 together 24 (long story, but lived together, were exclusive and faithful)

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM? Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

Miserable

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

I had allowed myself to die inside but climbed the long tunnel back to the light, had found a place that allowed me to be comfortable in the marriage in order to be in it for the children. Then MM made his move, and he touched the place that had been hidden for so long. Emotionally I came alive again. It made me even less happy with my marriage because I was now able to feel the pain of what I didn't have.

I had a terrible marriage. I was very young when I married and only did so because I had a warped sense of morality. I had sex with him, so I thought we had to marry. He was a cold and abusive man. We had no intimacy. He was uncaring and cruel. We only had sex, never made love. He didn't date me at all. I would beg for attention and he denied me. He would lash out at me, ignore me and mistreat me and still want sex. I felt like a prostitute much of the time. Our marriage was falling apart long before I fell in love with MM. I never had sex with MM while I was with my exhusband. I was faithful to him.

I am grateful to MM for showing me what lovers should be. I never knew. I always thought that romantic love was a myth, invented to sell movies, music and books. MM showed me that it is real and that it can be amazing.

How long were you married when you began your EMR?
We were not even married two years. Got married way too young, I was only 17, he was only 19. The arrival of an unexpected pregnancy changed everything.


What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM? Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

The condition when I got involved was awful. We fought all the time, never agreed on anything, and our sex life was horrible. He is lazy jumps from job to job on a regular basis(4 different ones now, in less than a year) and verbally and emotionally abusive and not there. I hated being married to him and still do. But I cannot leave him for that would be messing up my 18 month old son's life. I will not take him from his father.


Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

I didn't intentionally seek him out, it just kind of happened. My husband works at a car dealership that I visited quite frequently. He worked with only males with the exception of one female lot tech and one female receptionist. I got along with the guys well, and I laughed and talked to them too when I was there. Always have had a better affinity with males than the female gender. One day I had to go in alone. I was getting my oil changed there because we got family discount and H and I decided it would be better if I went on his day off so he could keep the baby at home. So I went in and this guy that I had an attraction to since day one sat down and started talking to me. We talked for like an hour. It was great. He told me to call him anytime I wanted to, so I did that the following Monday. We made plans from there adn went out that weekend. It just went on and keeps going from there. He has something that no one I have ever met in my life had, and i don't plan on ending it anytime soon. Of course it does affect my marriage because there are times when I sit there and see him do something and I think huh, OM wouldn't have done that, or OM isn't like that, etc....Made me realize that there is better out there and maybe if OM sticks around long enough, then when my baby is older, I can leave. But until then I am content with the way things are

I was married for 5 years, living with H for 6.5

My marriage was/is in poor shape- no communication- no positive interaction- husband is emotionally and verbally abusive.

How long were you married when you began your EMR?

3 years.

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM? Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

Miserable and ready to file for a seperation.

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

It totally affected my getting involved with MM. Totally. I wouldn't had looked twice at him had I been happy at home.

My marriage would have failed had MM not been a huge distraction for me. Then abit later, my H began to try to make things better. Then still later, after our emr ended, my marriage improved drastically once I was not investing in a deadend relationship any longer.

I was miserable in my marriage...looking for love. We worked together and started flirting and one day I told him I was interested in him. I had been married for 9 years! He had been married for 8 years.

I had been married 22 years at the time the EMA started. I had been unhappy for a number of years due to various factors. For the most part outside stressors such as his job and him relocating put a terrible strain on our marriage. H was going through a very selfish period of his life which was totally out of his character. His job became the center of his universe, which led to my vulnerability and lonliness. This A has actually helped my marriage in many ways. H is now working closer to home hince, eased the tension between us and the kids. I see him now as the person I married 24 years ago and I know why I married him. His finer qualities have returned and which I really think it's because he was suspicious of me having an A. Of course, I denied it but I think he really knew but was in denial.

Married for 10 years. But we were like roommates. Not miserable, but not happy either. But 10 years of no communication and feeling like a single mom in a dual parent household takes it's toll. I was never as comfortable even after 10 years of M with XH as I am with MM.

I have been married for 9 years, but we have been together for 17 (1/2 of my life!)

We are happily married. It's not always sparks and fireworks, but we love each other and care for each other. I would do anything for my H and I know that he would do anything for me. I guess, if anything, it's almost too comfortable.

I think that I craved the extra attention that comes with an EMR. I didn't know that I needed it, however, until I got it from MM. It's not that my H ignored me, but he isn't always aware of me. Does that make any sense?

Once MM started paying attention to me and told me how much he wanted to be with me, I realized that was exactly what I needed. Maybe it's the wrong kind of attention, but it feels good to know that another man finds me sexually attractive and likes me enough to want to be with me.

I still love being married and love my H. If anything, this EMR has made our relationship better. I'm more forth coming in the bedroom and I am not afraid to ask for what I want. My H has found this to be very exciting as well. So far, it's a win-win situation.

Tgrlilly

Married 15 years together 20 years.

My husband is a lovely, sweet and intelligent man who I adore but it think because we started as friends and slowly evolved into lovers there was not so much of a great romance. After the birth of our son I become totally stuck in the motherhood roll and piled on weight, and when he became less dependent I looked around and saw myself - fat and frumpy and bored. My H had changed jobs and was (and still is) only home late. He was getting depressed because he was working so hard and we were stretching the money to send our son to private school. We just didn't have any fun. Holidays were last minute affairs. Sex had been bad since the birth, loving but very short and sweet. I avoided it if I could. We were more of a partnership running our life than lovers.

I went on a diet and lost all the weight, started buying new clothes and feeling very sexually frustrated. I was so ripe for an A.

At that time I got broadband and discovered forums. I was hooked and excited to find all this great interesting company to chat to. Then MM appeared on a forum and he was so funny and witty and stylish. I was entranced. He clearly was entranced by me too. We are both very bright and love words. It was the fizzy, edgy friendship I'd always wanted. The A was very sexual, very romantic - sparks flew so high we set the world alight.

My H soon worked out something serious was happening to me and our D DAy was horribly upsetting. He was and continues to be understanding and supportive. He loves me even more now. I asked for what I wanted in bed for the first time and now we have incredible sex. He takes me out and tells me how much he loves me all the time. I feel loved and desired by him again.

I am very lucky - most BS don't react so generously. The contrast between my H's and my xMM's behaviour when the going got tough has told me all I need to know about who I should be with. The hard thing is that I know if MM was here now and so much as touched me I'd be on fire again in a way I just can't feel with my H.

Sadly, for me at least, passion and a good heart don't go together.

I love my husband, we have a wonderful marriage but he doesn't kiss me right, and I've been yearning for years to find someone to kiss me deeply and passionately like I've always dreamed of.

My married man kisses me so much and we make love, and it's beautiful.

How long were you married when you began your EMR?
3 years 4 months

What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM?
Abusive...both physically and verbally

Were you happy in your marriage? Miserable? Indifferent?

I thought I was happy, but started to ask myself How an I be happy when I'm getting threatened on a daily basis, when I live in fear every waking moment of the day as well as when I sleep at night

The state of my marriage affected me getting involved with MM, because MM made me see that I can be treated right, that I can find someone who will love me unconditionally..that everything is NOT always my fault, that it is NOT my responsibility to make sure the other is happy 24/7. That I myself have a right to be happy with my life and that I have a right to live, argue, joke, play, state my opinion without being in fear of any type or form of malice that would be taken against me because the other doesn't like what he hears.
MM has taught me to be independent, to do things for myself, and not be so dependent on the other.

Married 9 years, together for 11 when it started.

Been told by many that ours is an enviable marriage. We are terrific partners. He is a wonderful husband. We are generally good for one another, co-parent well and share values (mostly).

The morning I met my MM I left my house happily married. Would not have thought in a million years that things would turn out the way that they did. I can't justify the affair, but I can't seem to let it go either.

I was married five years when MM and I got involved. My marriage died about two years before.

My H was passionate, fun and witty when we first met. He was a prominent businessman and 20 years my senior. We had a whirlwind courtship. There were stars in my eyes. He took me places and showed me a life I had never known. We married a year after we met. Within six months of our marriage he started running our household like it was a business -I was merely an employee (and a trophy -if I gained five pounds he wanted me on a diet). His control of me got worse -we never had a joint checking account and I never knew how much money we had or even what bills we had. He had affairs. It broke my heart. Not him, but it, the loss of the dream of a good marriage. There were still good times but they were fewer and far between. Then we decided to have a child. Not smart in the state of our marriage. We had a beautiful baby. He was in awe of me and our newborn baby. He spoiled me -to having a five star restaurant make me special meals for during my hospital stay. He never made love to me again after the birth of our baby. I came to him again and again -to discuss what we could do to repair our marriage. He told me there was nothing we could do. He was who he was and I had to accept it and our life/marriage the way it was. Then he told me to go and have an affair. I did. Not with MM but with a single man. I hated it. It made me feel worse. Sex wasn't what I needed. Love and companionship were. I was determined not to live in a loveless, lonely marriage. I just wasn't sure how to get out. I was just making it through each day, dreading when H would come home. I reached out to my friends, who were all very supportive and loving. They even made me laugh about it. But each night my H would come home and I'd have to face the marriage I was in.

Surprisingly, my marriage was very good when I got involved with my MM. My husband was (and is) a kind, dependable, honest and grounded man who never lied to me or betrayed me in any way. We have been married 31 years. But there were gaps that my MM (who was also my first love, and we had been in touch long-distance for 15 years) could not fill, but my MM could and did.

I love both men very much. I am able to compartmentalize them so that one life doesn't overlap the other that much. What did I learn from the year and a half relationship? I learned that my husband is even more of a wonderful human being than I even realized who would rather die than hurt me--and my lover, though he loves me very much, could never give me the same stability--and he has hurt me very much. But I still love them both.

Surprisingly, my marriage was very good when I got involved with my MM. My husband was (and is) a kind, dependable, honest and grounded man who never lied to me or betrayed me in any way. We have been married 31 years. But there were gaps that my MM (who was also my first love, and we had been in touch long-distance for 15 years) could not fill, but my MM could and did.

I love both men very much. I am able to compartmentalize them so that one life doesn't overlap the other that much. What did I learn from the year and a half relationship? I learned that my husband is even more of a wonderful human being than I even realized who would rather die than hurt me--and my lover, though he loves me very much, could never give me the same stability--and he has hurt me very much. But I still love them both.

Surprisingly, my marriage was very good when I got involved with my MM. My husband was (and is) a kind, dependable, honest and grounded man who never lied to me or betrayed me in any way. We have been married 31 years. But there were gaps that my MM (who was also my first love, and we had been in touch long-distance for 15 years) could not fill, but my MM could and did.

I love both men very much. I am able to compartmentalize them so that one life doesn't overlap the other that much. What did I learn from the year and a half relationship? I learned that my husband is even more of a wonderful human being than I even realized who would rather die than hurt me--and my lover, though he loves me very much, could never give me the same stability--and he has hurt me very much. But I still love them both.

I was married for 8 years (together 10). Had 1 unplanned pregnancy at 20 and married at 3 mos. pregnant because it was the "right" thing to do. I gained a lot of weight. It was after I lost 1/3 of my body weight that I began noticing other men. That would be about 5 years into the marriage. I had my first affair this year (2007) so 8 years in. My marriage is lonely and lacks effective communication. The most magical thing happened one day - I met a MM that thought I was attractive and witty! Can I tell you what it is like to be unappreciated for so long and then to have someone come into your life that likes you - for you. Not because you are their babysitter, maid, and drycleaner all in one. I continue the EMA because ultimately it makes me feel good. And when I feel good, I treat others in my life better. My marriage is livable, my children are wonderful, and my life is better. He makes me feel special and I hope that I do the same for him.

When I had my first affair I was 27 years old and 5 years into my marriage. I had really gotten married too young (at 22) but thought it was what I was supposed to do. My H was a good guy and I truly loved him, but he was not right for me. I went back to college and started living and enjoying what I had missed out on by not going right after high school. My H and I were having infertility problems which brought out so many issues between us and within myself. I was looking for someone to take me away from it all. I didn't have enough confidence to leave my marriage and go off on my own. I wish I would have. We had huge communication issues and he just didn't pay me the attention I needed and craved. He would never "talk" to me. I'd try to have conversations and he never seemed to have anything to say. I absolutely needed someone who I could talk with. I never received compliments on how I looked, he didn't care if I smelled nice or not, never seemed to have any interest in the little things that I really needed to have. There was a distance between us that just kept getting bigger and bigger.

I'd only been married for almost 2 years when my H decided to abandon me and take everything we owned while I was visiting my daughter in another state. Ours was a miserable marriage, as we'd only "consumated the union" twice in that time, due to issues on his part. I'd told him to get counseling, and he'd agreed, or so I thought. While I was gone, he took the easy way out. At the time, it was devastating, but now I realize that he saved me a lot of heartache. He turned out to be in greater need of professional help than I'd thought possible.

At that time, my MM and I were only online friends. We didn't fall in love until several months later.

I was separated and had been for three years. My husband and I are friends now but that is it

i had been married 5yrs when i began an affair. i was happily married, but lacked attention, husband was away alot and when home persued his own hobbies. someone came along who gave that attention, i resisted for 3months, but after our first date we were inseparable and i knew my marriage was over. he was and still is my soul mate.

...How long were you married when you began your EMR?

I was married for about 4 years before I began my EMR.


...What was the condition of your marriage when you got involved with MM?

Odd. We'd had an open relationship in that when he was away on deployments (he was a marine) we were allowed to have sex with other people. There were rules, no unprotected sex, no spending the night, not in our bed, share the details, etc. Nothing was supposed to be emotional.




.....Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about how the state of your marriage affected or did not affect your getting involved with MM, and how getting involved with MM changed your perspective of your marriage.

My marriage was full of affairs on both ends when I met MM. It had been an emotional roller coaster and I was ready for my marriage to be over. He was a way out. Or so I thought. It was a torrid affair that lasted 2 years starting online, moving to phone sex, and finally a physical affair. I didn't meet him online. He was an old school friend who lived in another state. But he'd always had a thing for me so I used him to end my marriage. I was not very nice to my husband, my MM, or his wife. I used them all to my own ends and though it ended my marriage, it also ended theirs. And when he was available I didn't want him anymore.

I was married for 19 years when the affair started. It was a stable marriage, he was a good provider, a good father - there was just not any passion or excitement there any more. I never really considered leaving my marriage during the affair, partly because I knew my MM felt the same way. I am still married, and would like to feel a deeper love and passion for my husband, but it is just not there anymore. I don't know where it went or how to get it back.

I was married 3.5 years when I started the EMR.
My marriage is happy. I don't see having an affair as a symptom that anything is wrong in my marriage. It is something that is wrong with me I guess.

My H is a wonderful passionate man that I love very much. I just wanted some excitement and spice and something a bit different and I got all that from MM.

MM and I have been together about 15 months, and I will be leaving the EMR soon. It has served its purpose. And I won't cry because it is over...I will smile because it happened.