Did you grow up in a home characterized by alcholism/drug abuse, emotional or physical abuse, rage, betrayals, or other forms of “dysfuntionality”?

If so, do you think your upbringing affected the relationships you have forged in adulthood? For example, do you feel you have recreated childhood patterns in your choice of partners?

Please use this section to contemplate how your EMR, or any of your adult relationships, are connected to negative childhood experiences.

i have been married 4 times and have had numerous relationships. I always figured I did not put up with unhappy relationships because I saw my mom stay in a bad marriage for 25 years, NEVER, would I allow myself to be so untrue to me.

yeah it was bad. Physical and sexual abuse. Emotional manipulation. Alcoholism..probably. Anger...my Father was the angriest man on earth.

It did affect my choices of partner. I picked a man who made me feel safe. Accepted me. Had the strength to look after me.

Worse then that. It affected my sister's choice of husband too. And I see how the relationship is tearing her apart. Her husband is over sensitive and very conservative and 'stable'. He is stifling.

Ah. How we compensate for our childhoods.

Emerald~

I feel like I have a lot to contribute to this question. Yoy may email me if you like -
pfugitt@ku.edu

thanks a bunch for doing this - I look forward
to seeing the finished product!!!

snoop

Like Expat, I had a terrible childhood rife with abuse, physical, emotional, and attempted sexual. Lucky for me when the sexual attempt was made I was about 12 and able to get away. Both of my parents were alcoholics. I was the oldest child so I cared for my younger siblings.

Did this effect my choice in partners? Yep. My XH was abusive and ended up with a drug problem. I got out of the situation fast when it started to happen.

MM is quiet, calm, thoughtful and doesn't have an abusive bone in his body.

Parents divorced early in my life, my mother is a very overbearring, muniplative, unfeeling person. My father is laid back, always felt guilty, and had a terrible temper.

Growing up I felt angery and felt very unloved. There was alot of emontional abuse early on. I craved attention but also wanted to be invisable. I acted out, had sex early, ran away alot.

At 14, I was almost raped, I fought and got beaten up pretty badly, but I fought off my attacker. I was lucky, also my parents to this day don't know. It scared the S**T out me, I had to be strong from then on. So I picked weak men, men I could muniplate and control. traits that I hated in my mother, became mine.

My MM was the first man I allowed in. He made me feel safe, and I could let him take the lead. All the walls came down, I felt naked around him.

Yeah, it was rough. My father was an angry Irish alcoholic - emotional abuse to a pretty terrifying degree, of me & my brothers & my mom - and some physical abuse. I don't think there was sexual abuse but I've had a couple shrinks who disagree. Sigh.

I always feel guilty about it though because for one thing my dad was very successful - I grew up very wealthy. My brother says, "Yeah, all the disadvantages of rich kids and none of the advantages." And there's some truth to it.

I've been grindingly poor as an adult and I think I did that as a reaction in some ways - picked blue collar guys or crazy musicians but never, ever, anyone with any money or "family" background. I left home for the first time at 16, was a pretty wild teen in trouble regularly (but you can get away with a lot when you're a National Merit Scholar, hee hee) and have ricocheted from man to man my whole life. Most of the men I fall for tend to abuse me to some degree or another - my xH was a lot like my dad, just poorer, dumber, less educated. Just as mean a drunk, though.

Am trying hard to break free of this cycle. . slowly. Slowly - but I'm getting there. My last BF was a loser, but he wasn't a mean or abusive loser - unless living off me for 3 years while doing little besides playing video games counts as abuse. Fiscal abuse, maybe? And MM is a nice guy, for a selfish bastard.

As a child, I was sexually abused by my Step-Father who, in my young mind, was my real father as he is the only man I can remember in our home.

When I told my mother what he had done, she stormed into our home, I thought to tell him to get out. But, she returned telling me that we would be staying. I replied that I hate him and I wasn't staying. Her response was that we were staying and that I was to be respectful. I replied that I would never speak to him again.

I lived in that house with for two full years and never spoke to that man. If you were a guest, you would never know that there was a problem. We ate dinner at the same table, and took family vacations. We just never spoke to each other.

As an adult, I know that what I experienced is termed abandonment.... both physical and emotional. It was very traumatic but my family's "white elephant" attitude never allowed me to express or even experience my feelings. The truth is, I waited until I was an adult in recovery from alcoholism to fully experience all of those feelings. For the record, I began drinking alcoholicly almost immediately after this happend at the ripe old age of 12.

Looking back over the years at my relationship with MM/Sep-MM, I can honestly say that it has allowed me to relive those abandonment feelings over and over and over. I think my entire existence revolved around getting MM to stop abandoning me, and to just love me and be with me the way I needed him to.

I would define our relationship as very addictive for both Sep-MM and myself. We have committed to working through this and making our relationship a healthy one. Often I wonder if that is possible.

I was sexually abused as a child. While I didn't go completely off the deep end, I think some of my decisions and ideas about sex have been affected. Possibly I take more self-destructive paths in regards to sex.

Not pretty. Materially ok, but sexual and emotional abuse, and alot of rage directed at me. Still carry alot of pain from that, and it sure hasn't helped my relationships.

MY MOTHER HATED ME AND I HATED HER. I WAS RAISED IN FOSTER CARE WITH AN OLDER BROTHER AND SISTER THAT FROM MY MOTHER'S FIRST MARRIAGE BEING WELL LOVED BY MY MOTHER AND LIVING IN HER HOME. MY DAD DID NOTHING, BUT, I LOVE HIM ANYWAYS. HE RAISED HIS STEP-KIDS BUT ALLOWED MY MOTHER TO GET RID OF ME.

My mother passed on when I was very young and my father remarried less than 6 months later. After his remarriage my father became an alcoholic and my stepmother was one of those that most people assume step-parents are. After several years of mental, emotional, and even some physical abuse; the school tried to get me removed from the house. Upon learning that DFS was coming my father threatened to kill me if I told anyone about our business, so i lied and stayed for 3 more years in that house to have all the abuse continue and to an extent sexual abuse to become a part of it. I was eventually removed from my home and put with a very excentric foster mother and later my maternal granfmother. Yes I do think my family life has had an impact on my relationships.....My first official boyfriend was a few years older than I was and being niave ended up pregnant from that experience and left without a backward glance. Next boyfriend decided he was gay while seeing me, and then in comes current husband. We married to fast and now I'm in an emotionally abusive marriage with a man everyone hates. My MM is also a very good friend. We went into it looking to mess around, but he wanted to remain friends after a bit stating that he cared for me and going over the line and dealing with the emotions he might have would be hard. We did not stick by that and continue an EMA but have not fully been together sexually. His biggest concern in all this is to not lose my friendship. What if any of that I believe, I am not sure. I have been reading a lot on MM saying anything to keep you hooked.

Had a wonderful childhood. Had two loving parents. I did have separation anxiety from my parents growing up. Had a mom and dad that did everything for me and still would if I asked. Did however have an encounter w/an uncle that tried to molest me...Made me have a lot of distrust in men. Took me many years to learn to trust guys. Had one bf prior to MM that I felt safe with. I totally feel safe w/MM in all ways.

I grew up in a fairly normal, happy, middle-class household. My parents have been married to each other for almost 35 years and have always seemed very happy together. I would characterize them as "best friends", actually. My parents never hit us or each other, and there was some voice raising, but only if someone was REAALY in BIG trouble (I can remember vividly every time a parent in my house raised his/her voice; it didn't happen often). As far as I know, neither of them has ever been unfaithful.

I've been in therapy, and I know there are some issues of dysfunctionality in terms of my parents' relationship to me: they always had very high expectations of me and were very critical if I failed to meet those expectations. My mom also taught me to put the blame on myself for problems I had in relationships with others; when, for example, the other kids in school picked on me because I was smart and didn't fit in, my mother said it was my fault because I had to try harder to "fit in" and "be nice to people". I suspect that some of my problems with men may come from this part of my childhood. Compared to most people I know, though, I had a very good childhood and very "normal" life, especially for this day and age.

My father raised me from age 3. All by himself. he is my hero. I think if he hadn't been there to show me the right way, I would have fallen into my mother's footsteps.

When I was 3, my mom left me with some guy she was shacking up with in the free-love days. 3 days later the police and child services delivered me to my father who hadn't seen me since I was 6 months old. One day my mom just up and vanished. She's been in and out of my life since then. She's almost 50 and I still don't know where she is today.

When I was 13, my brother died. He lived with her because she was still with his dad. She was physically abusive with him. One morning she didn't wake up to take him to school and he was hit by a car crossing the street. He was 11.

When I was 16, I asked if I could move in with her. She said no. She didn't want me when I was 3 why would she want me now. She is prone to violent outbursts, smokes pot, and lies constantly about everything!

I think her rejection of me has affected my relationships with men greatly. It is very difficult for me to trust. Once trust has developed it has to be sustained daily. My boundary levels are all fvcked up, but I'm working on it. Every day counts.

My trust handicap is both outward and inward. I have trouble expressing my emotions and pain. I will supress them until I feel nothing. I tend to be a hermit during these times, too. I push men away, then bring them close. Love, hate. It svcks.

The only area of my life not affected is my children. I adore them. I have strict rules, but patience and love abound in my house. I let them know daily they are accepted and loved. I raise them in the same manner my father raised me. I never want them to know the pain of parental rejection.

I hope this furthers your studies. Take Care.

i had a fairly hard childhood. my mother and biological father divorced when i was 2. she remarried when i was 5 and when i was about 6 left her second husband. we then moved in with the guy that would be her third husband, and stayed with him until i was 12. then they divorced and we moved in with her new boyfriend, who she is still with. my father remarried when i was about 5 and then divorced again when i was 15. there was mental and emotional abuse: my mother loved me but was never all that stable. we moved alot, and sometimes i lived with my grandparents. at age 12 i began suffering from depression and am still on medication for it.

my mother had many dysfunctional relationships when i was a child, and i hated the way she allowed herself to be treated. there was always a man, she could never be alone. i think in alot of ways i try as hard as i can to be the opposite. i've never had many long relationships with boyfriends, and i'm single most of the time. having my MM allows me to have the benefits of a relationship without feeling trapped or controlled.

i never had any stability growing up, and i think my MM gives me that in an odd way. i feel so completely safe with him , something i was glad to hear others echo. my MM is the only man i've ever slept with that i love. i openly admit that i've somehow seperated lov e and sex in my head and mixing them is dangerous. i can't walk away from my MM like i could everyone else.

I had a great childhood. I have a great relationship with my parents. I was looking for a serious healthy relationship. I was not looking for a MM. It just happened. I hate how all of these infidelity books refer to the OW as having a commitment phobia or a dysfunctional childhood. This is not true in my case.

I hate that they portray the OW as dysfunctional too. I grew up in a great home, I won't say my parents are perfect, they are human, but I couldn't have asked for better parents. No abuse. My parents were amicably divorced when I was 18. I don't think my dad could have ever cheated on my mom. I didn't mean to get into this relationship, it came at a hard time in my (adult) life...during my divorce after a 3 year marriage. I married young, and very naive and idealistic - I was sure love could conquer all.

I didn't have an easy childhood to say the least, but I suppose it has paved the way for my choices in my adulthood. I was sexually abused by my brother for many years and my brother was physically abusive to my other brother, my mother, and even my dad when he was big enough. My parents had no sex life after I was born and no this because my mom told me. My dad believed sex was only for procreation. I was raised strict Catholic, so the guilt the first time I had sex was intense. Having to lie to my mother about it made me feel bad.
All the men I have chosen to have relationships with have just been about getting what they want...sex. The first 2 were one night stands. The 3rd lasted a year without any feeling from him involved, he never said I was pretty or he loved me or even that he liked me. Finally in comes the MM, he was sweet, kind, and loving. All the things I could hope for in a relationship, except for the married part. But even in this relationship sex is manipulated cuz that's what he wanted in reality. He already had the W and homelife, great sex was all he was missing. Not to say he doesn't have feelings for me. I know he does, but I'm not what he wants in the long run.

I know that my childhood had an effect on me.
My father has been pretty much absent since I was 9. And my stepfather was pretty abusive for many years. He is great now. But not when I was a child.

I had a huge hole, I ended up marrying someone older, and he was abusive.

I know that left me vulnerable to my MM.

My H was sexually abused as a child by a sibling. The abuse is what provoked the EMR's and he is in therapy for it. His words - "I don't like the man I've been and I want to be the man you deserve"

His OW were mostly not atttractive, though some were. I read with interest the OW posts that the sex was fantastic. My H says otherwise, that sex with me was always better.

Our marriage had its share of ups and downs but was basically sound, our sex life was rocking, I was supportive, we had three children he adored. ironically we met when I was MW and he was my OM.

There is a reason he never left me for any OW, he loves me no matter how conflicted he may have been when with you. His EMR's were the result of his personal pathology and you just happened to be in the right place at the wrong time.

No, none of those things.

I had an overly abusive father, who left when I was 4. I grew up alone with my mother and her many boyfriends.
I suppose that shows in my MM, he's MUCH older then me, and provides for me no matter what it is I need. I suppose you could say the "father type."

i WAS raped when i was 9 years old.
Father died when i was 17, we were almost on the streets.
Shifted base to another smaller city.
I became a drug addict. Sold my soul for coke.
Got raped some more. brought it on myself.
Did time inside. On the streets.
Was locked away from civilisation in rehab for a year.
ran away. to another state. got a job.
came home. reconciled with the mother.
doing my masters now.
i'm 22.