Did you know or meet his wife? What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

oops answered this one in the question before.

I know her now. She is an okay person, if a bit self centered. She is very pretty. We get along okay (when I am not thinking she has done something idiotic). I don't hate her, I did feel weird going into her house (she invited me in ) and I was uncomfortable.

I think if we were co-workers, we'd get along okay.

We have never met, but spoken to each other twice on the phone. The first time she called she was calm. We just talked about what had happened between MM and me. He has always told me she is a very nice person. After MM told her he wanted a divorce, she just became really nasty. She called me non stop and leave very nasty voicemail on my phone. I understood the pain she was going through so it didn't really bother me that much.
Later MM changed his mind about the divorce and told me he can no longer see me. Right after this phone call, she called me and gave me one more stab in the heart. Yes, I do hate her now. I can't imagine anyone to be so heartless. She knew I was hurted, but she just had to rub it in.

No feelings. We share different parts of his love, that's all.
I do not care.

Did you know or meet his wife? What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

*******

I knew her well....I could not stand her from the moment I met her. Didn't want her in my house. I would not allow our children to play....My feelings did not change. I hated how she treated him. I hated how she humiliated him in public and how she battered him with Catholic crap of what he owed her and how he could never divorce her. I would have hated that had I loved him or not.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

******

I pity that she will never know who he really is...what his deepest fears are, what his most outrageous secrets of boyhood are, what is desire and passion feels like, that he married her and therefore she can say whatever hateful hurtful things she wants....I pity her totally and completely.....

Circumstances have not arisen of meeting his wife face to face. I have seen his wife on several occassions. Whether it was from a distance or our vehicles passing on the road.

In the beginning, I never felt anything for or about her one way or another. Almost 4 years later, I am starting to feel resentment towards her. I am not jealous of her. My resentment stems from what she has and I don't. I love MM and can't be with him because of her. Their marriage is held together by kids,not love.

... by accident. MM and W were shopping in my neck of the woods for something W couldn't find at the store closer to them. I saw MM and he saw me and waved me over, we spoke for a minute or two, wife came out and he introduced me as his personal trainer (which is what I do for a living and he does work out with me once a week for fun, so not totally a lie, eh?). I have no feelings towards her one way or the other, but just kind of wondered what was the initial attraction between the two of them in the first place. She seemed nice though, but I wouldn't be surprised if she thought that line was a crock.

I've met her, but don't know her well personally...only what MM tells me about her, which I can't assume is the WHOLE truth, but I beleive he's upfront about most of it. I've read some of her letters to him (with his permission) and he describes her personality and their communication with each other very honestly.

My H and I have had dinner with them twice. It was a bit uncomfortable, but tolerable. She was very pretty, nice, etc. What can I say...he has good taste in women...he's very picky in that regard.

In the beginning of the EMR, I really had no feelings about her whatsoever, just mild curiosity. Over the course of the EMR I have grown somewhat jealous of her at times, but never hated her and have never once made a negative remark about her. MM is in love with me, but respects her as the mother of his children, so I will not allow myself to spew negativity about her to him.

Did you know or meet his wife?

She and I met when we were 21; we were all back in our hometown visiting over the holidays. He had been such a geek in HS and I was curious to see what kind of woman would marry him. She was personable and beautiful and seemed rather savvy. I had zero feelings for HIM at that point and their relationship was more of a curiosity. I did wonder what she saw in him that nobody else had. Upon first meeting, she liked me instantly; she said, "I'm going to tell H that he should have liked you in HS, you are so pretty and personable."


What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?

We all met again at a very casual HS reunion at age 38 and thats when sparks flew between MM and I. He liked my H and I still thought his wife was pretty and rather savvy. As our R developed, I had no negative feelings about her; sometimes I felt a bit of guilt since I do know her, other times I felt she really should give her H more attention. As the R progressed, at one point I began to feel intense jealousy towards her: I never wanted her life, I just wanted her husband. But, I hated being jealous and realized its presence was only because MM made me feel insecure. I never wanted the R to include feelings that revolved around her... she was a non-event, in my mind. I also know that being jealous towards her was misplaced anger; anger that should be directed at MM for being in the center of this triange or at myself for becoming involved in the triangle. I don't feel jealousy now... I know I have a part of him that she never will. And, I entered into this with no illusion that he would leave her. That's another reason I have not had jealousy and despised myself when I did.


Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

No, I have not. I have no reason to hate her, but then again, I don't hate anyone. I think of her as an individual that is living with choices she made as a very young woman and probably, like me, has regrets. They met at 18 and married at 20. I could see in her eyes/actions that she is disappointed with him. I truly think she looks at this brilliant, successful man as a young geek and thinks she coulda/shoulda done better.


The truth is that his wife reminds me of myself, 7 years earlier. Her life is centered around family/church and she is a sahm as I am. She reminds me of who I was before I began to grow and evolve and become introspective: a very nice, but rather shallow individual, hung up on judgmentalism and religiosity.

And I, am the intelligent, funny and sexy version of her. Not entirely.... but I would be dishonest to not notice our lives our parallel in some ways.

My opinion of her is that she is bored to death with her brilliant H and tries to keep their lives very busy with social activities so they will not have to spend time alone.

I have no feelings one way or another. MM and I have been together going on four years now, and I don't even know the woman's name, nor do I want to, nor do I care.

Did you know or meet his wife? Yes

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? Neutral. Neither liked nor disliked.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? No

Did you ever hate her? No

Did you know or meet his wife? NO

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? I didn't have any feelings for her what so ever, I basically pretended like she didn't exist.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Through the course of the affair I wouldnt allow him to talk to me about her, I didn't feel comfortable knowing anything about her or even his life. I wanted to stay in the fantasy world that I created for us.

Did you know or meet his wife? No

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? None really.


How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? If anything I feel for her. She has allowed life events to turn her into a bitter woman. She has played the dutiful wife role that she was raised to play. I can understand that while the kids where little but now they are grown I don't have much sympathy for continuing to choose that life and become bitter and hateful to even her own kids. Her life and my life are diametrically opposed in about ever way.


Did you ever hate her? If so, why? No, I pity her.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

Yes I knew his wife before EMR, he and I were friends for some time before EMR began and he had invited me to his house a number of times. Its strange but I don't remember having any real feelings about her, she was the sort of woman you would meet and not remember one thing about, not explaining myself very well here, guess she didn't leave any impressions on me.

About three years into the EMR, MM lost his job through no reason of his and I was present when W did a major dummy spit in front of group of people, she cut him down, called him useless etc all because he had lost his job, this made me realise she saw him simply as a meal ticket. At that moment I think I hated her and had to remove myself from the scene post haste or things might have got nasty. Since then I have lost any respect I may have had for her. I saw the look of absolute devestation and hurt on MMs face and I felt unable to defend him. At a time when he needed support most, she kicked him in the guts.

I feel puzzled about her, also insanely jealous. She knows about the EMR, although she thinks it is over, which it isn't. I have met her, but this was before she found out. She is everything I wish I was, tall, very thin, extremely beautiful, has two children and a full time career which she juggles beautifully and elegantly,...
I don't hate her, I just don't understand how she have have a man like divine MM and not appreciate him as she should...ane not have sex with him every minute of every day (athough maybe he is just lying when he says they never have sex...?

I have seen his wife and talked with her a few times. She seems like a really nice woman and they look like a very compatible couple.
I have absolutely no feelings towards her whatsoever.
Couldn't careless about her, she's all MM's business!

His Wife... nevr really had a personal problem with her, but the way i feel about her is kind of like how i woudl feel if my little brother were dating a girl who screwedhim over. Shes ok, but i dont care for how she handles herself or MM.
Example: her getting pregnant and then giving him the ultimatum to marry her orelse...
Her backwards morals irk me... shell have sex before marraige, but shes so "religious" she wont dress her kids up for halloween, even for church fall festivals. I just dont understand the thought process myself.

Other than that, she seems to be a great mother and W, even though shes not perfect. I certainly dont think she has an unconditional love for MM, and I know he knows this. But... if thats what he wants, well then i guess thats what i want for him.

Overll I try really hard not to think of how i feel about her, becaue when it all boils down to it, its really about how HE feels about her.

And even her faults, the things shes done wrong, theyve pretty much all come back to her. She knows why he married her, and now she has to live with the insecurities she faces as a consequence.

Rain...

I feel incredible guilt and pity towards his wife. I was once the wife with the cheating husband. I never thought I would be in this situation....being the other woman.

I feel that no matter what she may be like, she is still the innocent, unknowing victim in all of this.

In the 9 years we were together I never met her. He never even talked about her. He would talk about his kids, but never her, it was like it was forbidden. It's funny, because I never really thought about her until I saw a picture of them together on the internet...then it sort of hit me, the reality of it all. I am sleeping with this poor woman's husband and she has no clue. What the hell am I thinking? She seems like she would be a very nice person, and now I feel so bad that this whole thing happened...and she will probably never know about it.

I use to hate her. I hated her for hurting him for being so mean to him, etc.

I realyl could not get my arms around what kind of person she was. She was a source of amusement for me. I'd call and hang up just to hear fer voice. I wondered soooo much about her. It was just interesting to know this much about another perons and never have mer them.

I had seen her picture. Slept in her bed. Even borrowed one of her tampons once. I'd looked at her pictues (in the house) and spoken on the phone with her children.

Sooo strange. I was desperate to get a since of her to satisfy my own curosity.

To a certain degree that's why I called her this last time. I just needed a since of her so very much.

well she really was angry and hurt and so I don't think I saw the real her anyway. Honestly if I could, I would invite her to lunch and not tell her who I was.

I detest her.

Wouldn't say I knew her - met her very briefly prior to the A starting......found her very uncomfortable and difficult to talk too.

Lately I suppose I feel envious....of her life and she has something that I'll never completely have....him.

Wouldn't say I knew her - met her very briefly prior to the A starting......found her very uncomfortable and difficult to talk too.

Lately I suppose I feel envious....of her life and she has something that I'll never completely have....him.

She makes me sick. I pity her.

I've gone from being scared of her, feeling sorry for her(even worrying about her) to now hating her.

In the beginning I never thought of W, was more worried about exOW. It turned out I was worrying about the right one because when exOW found out about me, she made sure that the W knew who I was, where I lived and fed her a heap of rubbish about how long MM and I had been involved.

The fist time I had contact with W she hit me so hard I honestly thought I was going pass out! So I guess at that time all I felt was fear.

The following few months I went from being annoyed with her, because of continunous hang ups, and almost daily calls, to nothing but feeling pity for her. I understood that she was hurting more than I could begin to imagine. I even tried to help her when she rang me, trying to suggest things she could do to get her marrage back, telling her that we were finished.(a complete lie, but I was also feeling really guilty for having a part in ruining this innocent womans belief that her marrage was perfect)

Now, after 6 years, she has finally left him, but is
playing mean and un-neccisary mind games with him. Although I understand her pain, I hate her with a vengance for all these 'pay back' moves she is making. She is trying to make their friends take sides with her, trying to humiliate him in public etc.
I'm the biggest home wrecker alive and now I can have him, at least that's what she's telling anyone and everyone.

She's making my life hell, and she doesn't even know that we are still together.

i've never met W. and MM thinks that long-term, she will never talk to me, even if she thinks that I was not the cause of the D.

early on, i always tried to make sure he was looking at both sides of the story...but farther and farther into it, i saw how frustrated and angry he was at her, even before he saw it. but, i suppose she reminds me a lot of my ex-H, so i picked up on her traits and the affect they have on MM very quickly. it was strange seeing her through his eyes. he always tried to paint her in a good light, saying that it would be easier for him if he didnt like her, but he always has and still does. but at the same time, i feel his hidden anger, that he has just recently been able to explore with the help of a therapist.

i suppose i'm also angry at her....for making him so torn and anrgy with his life thus far. but, maybe i'm just seeing her through my memories of my ex-H? they have so many similar traits, that its quite uncanny.

I think I met her once, but it was long before I ever considered taking up with MM. I never saw her after that. I never thought of her much at all. He didn't talk much about her and I didn't ask. In fact, if he said something I felt was derogatory about her, I would chide him a bit, and remind him of just who the bad guy was in this whole scenario.

I didn't want to replace her. I just wanted some parts of him that she wasn't using at the time. Looking back after 10 months out of the EMA, I can only say that I feel sorry for her. IF it's not me, it's going to be someone else. She has chosen to remain in the situation knowing this. Perhps the fact that she KNEW how he was gave me some comfort. I wasn't the vixen who stole him away -- I was just next in line after he'd already been busted a time or two.

I've never met her nor do I want to. He says she is a good mother/grandmother - but made no comment about her as a wife. I don't want to know anyway. She has him most of the time - I get so little. If I am honest, I feel smug sometimes that she has no idea that he is being unfaithful to her. Other than that, I don't really have any feelings towards her at all - just the occasional pang of jealousy that she has him and I dont.

I don’t know the W. I have only talked to her once. From that one time and from some second hand information, I believe W to be a kind woman. At the start of my EMR, I felt very guilty over what I was doing, in potentially hurting what seemed like to me to be a kind woman. Now, I also feel jealousy because she has MM more often than I, but not anger or hatred for her.

I don’t know if that will change, me and MM have not been through a true D-day yet. Although, she was suspicious of us, and she did confront me. I denied that there was anything going on. I admire her composure when she confronted me, that what make me think of her as a good person. Honestly though, I don’t really know her. So, my over all feelings towards her now would have to be considered ambivalent.

I met his wife once, long before I had even thought he was interested in me. I just thought she was a like a wife like my mother is. She didn't seem overly exciting. Then again, I ran into them at the beach and we had both spent a long day in the water and sun.

Since then I have not seen her and I don't think that I would recognize her if I passed her on the street. I like it that way.

Did you know or meet his wife?
Yes, I knew her quite well. She and I were friends and workmates. We weren't best friends, but we shared a number of interests. We had dinner at each other's houses and went shopping together. I looked after their children from time to time when they were busy. She is about 10 years older than me.


What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
Before the EMR I looked up to her as a mentor and friend. At the begining of the EMR I felt guilty and avoided her.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?
As the EMR progressed I began to feel a lot of hostility, anger and competitiveness toward her (mixed with guilty and anxiety) and I began to want her to know about me and MM. She was suspicious and I was fearful that she would confront me, so I avoided her even more, which only made her suspicions worse.

Did you ever hate her?
I don't think I did until after D-day.

If so, why?
She implicitly threatened to tell my H if I did not tell him first and she manipulated MM into firing me. My world collapsed.
She was not the person I thought she was. She was vengeful and hateful.

I spoke with his wife several times during our on-and-off-again affair. Even after he was divorced and our triangle continued, she would call my home when he was there--sometimes in the early morning hours. Funny thing--I only called their home once when he was married--in a emergency; she answered, I hung up. I never called again; even after they were divorced. Face to face, we had some ugly confrontations. I never hated her; I really felt "disassociated" from that whole situation. It was almost a surreal feeling--hard to explain.

After our marriage and his subsequent infidelity, I have a lot of empathy for what her situation was during our affair, and even the aftermath of both our divorces. Having now walked a mile in her shoes, so to speak, I know the pain she felt when our affair was discovered, and long afterwards, as it continued.

Now, along with the empathy I feel, there is a degree of pity. She has remained a bitter woman; I doubt she will ever fully let go of the past.

I think the more I get to know her, the more I dislike her. We socialized in the same circle, so I knew her beforehand. She's a liar and manipulater, and I don't care for people like that in general. She used to spread sophomoric rumors about me... in fact, she still does as stories get back to me from time to time. We're talking high school stuff -- ie, she & her friends call me "period pants" solely based on a story she fabricated in the first place. This woman is 53.

She holds grudges forever and carries a lot of anger around with her. And she's territorial the way you might hear high school kids talk -- she frequently refers to "her territory" whenever talking about someone she doesn't like -- as in that area is your territory and this town is my territory & you know better than to come here etc.

I guess in some regard I pity her -- she lies so much she believes her own lies and is forever stuck in high school. She has no grasp of reality and is a petty person.

I certainly can't stand the way she treats MM in public, and I'm sure it's not much better in private. As much as I hate the way she treats him, I do realize that he enables that behavior by not standing up to her.

If he does eventually leave her, the most likely wrath I'll incur will be phone harassment and vandalism to my property. She's already tried impersonating me in email, sending herself nasty messages to turn him against me... but since I traced those emails back to their house, I doubt she'll try that again.

~Jess

I've never met her, but I have heard her voice.

I only know what he has said about her, which has always been good with one small exception.

She is beautiful. Inside and out. She is a wonderful mother and an interesting person.

Jealousy? None towards her. I have jealousy towards their union, towards their history, towards the links that they have to each other.

I feel sadness for her, not sorry for her. She has given her life to him, and he has fallen out of love with her. Any woman can understand how that would make you feel, as a woman.

~UWMA

None really except for maybe jealousy. She has him every day. Maybe not physically but she's in his presence everyday and I want to be there. I know I am in his mind and heart, I see him everyday and we are intimate almost everyday. That does give me some satisfaction, but like many new TOW's I simply want what she has. I want him to be mine, not hers.

I knew his wife before I knew him, She and I worked at the same place, just not together. We also have a mutual friend and thats how I met him. I always thought she was a bit grouchy.

I don't like his wife, but I didn't even KNOW she was his wife when I decided I didn't like her.

I've met her a few times, and I wouldn't like her even if he didn't even exist. I haven't ever been jealous of her though, or hated her for being with him. I just think she's kind of a moron.

We all worked for the same company and at times I would run into her in one of the companies main buildings. She came into the elevator one time and completely ignored me, she did not know anything but she treated many people that way because she was in a higher position and she would wait until a person greeted her before she would greet others. At the end of our EMR, I ran across her at a restaurant and I had an attack of guilt like nothing I had ever felt. I could see myself in her shoes and it made me feel ill. I had to ask my g-friend if we could leave and I told her why, when we walked outside I was ill and I guess my guilt was getting to me and the fact that I cared for him so much and seeing her made me realized he belonged to somone else.

Yes, I have met her, long before the EMR began. She is actually a rather nice person to talk to.

I still believe that about her. But what I feel now is anger toward her. Not that she is still married to him, but that he is a wonderful guy that she doesn't appreciate and truly takes for granted.

I do sometimes, though, feel sorry for her, because if their marriage is truly not good, then she should have the opportunity to either know that she needs to work it out or have the choice to leave the marriage and find true happiness.

If I hate her, it is only because...she's living MY life and doesn't appreciate it.

I knew the W. I had met her a couple of times at work before she transferred to another place. Yes it did have an effect of how I felt towards the A with her H.

I couldn't stand her, she was really mean at work and I understood why her H wanted to have an A. If I hadn't known her I probably wouldn't of understood why MM wanted the A. I would probably feel sorry for her making it really hard to get involved with my MM.

One thing is, knowing how she was and what people thought of her, when MM decided to try and make things work out I was shocked. I had already made up in my mind that he would leave me for her, I mean who would want to stay married to that? What a shock, I wouldn't have gotten involved, I was so sure he would leave and I wouldn't get burned. It just confused me more. I wish sometimes I didn't know her.

Did you know or meet his wife? NO
What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? I felt extreme guilt because I have been on the other side of the fence. Now, neutral.
How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? I remind him to be careful of what he is doing.
Did you ever hate her? NO

Did you know or meet his wife? No

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? I thought she was a cold heartless B who didn't care about MM. Thought she was controlling and selfish.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Have changed alot. I for some reason don't have any ill feeling towards her. I don't want her to ever find out about us even if we break up. I don't want to cause her any pain on purpose. I still think they have issues (obviously) but I think it's a 50 50 thing. I dont' think he's an angle to her like I used to. I've heard the way they speak to eachother basically no respect on either of their parts. I feel sorry for her now. It must suck to be in her shoes. She doesn't know about me but I'm sure I don't help their problems.

Did you ever hate her? Yes
If so, why? Probably out of jealousy.

I hate her with every ounce of my being! Not because she has him, but because I have always hated women like her - Materialistic, self-centered, self-absorbed, obsessive, cruel-hearted... and yes, I have seen these sides of her.

Any questions?

mm and i used to work together so i've met her on five occasions. he's eighteen years older than me and nine years older than her. she and i are very similar in features, brown hair, green eyes, similar body builds.

i've never been too impressed by her, thought she was cold. when he was almost outed and she confromted him about the possibility of him having an emr, she asked if it was with me, since she knows his type and i am the age that she was when she took him from wife #1.

how do i feel about her? i feel that she's gotten what she deserved by the nature of how they hgot together. i resent her and loathe her. my sympathy for her is gone. of course, there's no surprise - she has what i want - him. and he used his childrenw ith her and his fear of being a two time loser to stay with her.

i hate her because i love him.

No, I don't know MM's W, but I've seen them together when we were at work one day. I was struck by how similar they are - both have this assertive, aggressive, balls-out, jangly-nervous sort of energy, whereas, I'm come across very subtly. I was also struck my how similar the W and I look in height, build, coloring - very similar, she and I.

I don't have any particular feelings directed at her, except that I am curious about the dynamic of their M. They don't seem to do a lot together. In fact, she's always out of town, so it seems. He's always working. I wonder what holds them together, aside from their child.

mj

XMM was a drummer in a band,and one day he begged me to see him play,my first reply was not a cold day in hell will make me go to where she will be to be tormented..he said,it would be no biggie and when it was clear to him that I would not go,he contacted one of my best friends and invited her,her hubby and begged her to convince me to go..she did so we did.

I was dressed very much like I was out for the night,sexy but not revealing. I wanted HIM to notice me...I got there later than I planned his band was already on,and based on his description my eyes found her immediatly..honestly..I hope not to be frowned upon but I saw what I was told..a very obese,sloppy and loud woman. I actually was wondering what was wrong with him that he could be married to her and be in love with me as there was nothing remotely that I could see or hear that showed me she was a nice person. She got drunk very quickly and walked to where I was,for a second I was wondering if she knew about me some how..the facts were,it was their local bar and my friends and I were obviously strangers and she wanted to check us out,she stared daggers at my friend and I and when he would take a break,she was literally up his ass when he went around to greet people and thank them for being there..then our eyes met,he came to me and acted like he didn't know me,shook my friends husbands hand and walked away witha smile and wink to me..I told my friends..ok this was fun time to leave..his wife is staring at me,she is getting drunker by the minute and I was extremely uncomfortable..I left,I should have never looked back.

I think his wife has got him by the balls... she's constantly checking on him and gets what she asks for. She needs to work on keeping the marriage 'alive' in terms of fulfilling her husband's sexual needs.... otherwise he'll continue having affairs whether with me or someone else....

Did you know or meet his wife?

Nope, never.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
Slightly hostile but altogether irreverent.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?
Haven't really changed, I defintely DO NOT hate her.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

I would like to know her. I don't want to hurt her.

She is a very decent person. Seems to be a nice lady and we have talked before. She loves her husband and her children.

I would like to be magnanimous here, but actually think that my MM would be with me if his wife wasn't around!

As backwards as it sounds, I have a great deal of respect for his W. She's 16 years older than me, so I do feel an obligation to treat her respectfully, like one would to his/her parents. She's genuinely a nice lady, and I admire how she handles her successful career, home and children. She really is the epitome of professionalism.

At first, I was resentful of her having him, when I couldn't, and my thoughts were very hostile towards her. Once D-Day happened, and MM would tell me how she was crying, etc., I realize that she is just a hurting lady, and that any reaction that she has to me (since our D-Day) is completely justified. I would do the same things that she does if I were in her shoes. I genuinely feel sorry for what MM and I have put her through, and think that on better terms, she and I would have gotten along fabulously.

Never met her but have seen her - funny how seeing her near him made him look older. LOL!
As for my feelings - I used to feel sorry for her because I had been in her situation before my divorce. My H had an OW and when I found out, I was crushed and confused and scared and angry and timid - all at the same time. But, now 4 yrs later, him living with me and her knowing, my feeling of "sorry" has changed. She's content to live this way, content to take his money and not have the day to day things like laundry and meals and cleaning up, not having to explain her whereabouts or actions or spending, not having any role in things except to collect the paychecks and spend them... I damn sure don't feel sorry for her anymore!

I knew MM for a few years before we got together, and in retrospect I now realize that, because I was in a position to know that they had been having trouble for a long time, and that he was unhappy, it became one of the factors that propelled me into the EMR in the first place. I somehow justified my becoming involved with him by knowing that he was miserable and probably going to leave at some point anyway. However, during the course of our EMR I became more and more guilty, I actually felt bad for her, to the point of refusing to go to their home when she was out of town because I just couldn't stand the thought of making love to her husband in her bed.

I also have to really admire that she was willing to try to save their marriage even after should found out about our EMR. I couldn't do the same when I found out that he was also cheating on the both of us with yet another woman.

I had only met her briefly before we started the EMR...the first day that I was formaly introduced to her was the first day he and I were alone at his house...we didn't do much, I was nervous and wouldn't let it go very far. We were done and just talking and then she came home...it was the first time of many that I would have to 'play nice' and talk to her and act as if nothing had happened. That was the first day I decided I didn't like her. She had what I had wanted for 12 years...I had known him and wanted him before she ever knew he existed and it didn't seem fair to me that all I could be was a secret while she got to be out in the open with him.

My dislike for her has intensified over the past 4 years...sometimes I felt sorry for her and felt guilty...and then I would think 'well, if she would give him what he wants then he wouldn't be cheating on her'... trying to rationalize and justify my feelings towards her.

My feelings did change about 3 years into it...I started feeling sorry for her--and myself--and called it off...we didn't see each other for quite awhile but we would speak occasionally. One time when he called he told me that she was having an affair. Needless to say, I didn't feel sorry for her after that and now I truly despise her.

Yes I knew her. WE all worked together. She and I were friends from the beginning. Her husband persued me as a friend and lover.......I felt horrible guilt, but when I heard from MM how he was treated by her, my animosity grew. I began to see what he was talking about at work.

She suspected and confronted me and I, of course, protecte MM. She hates me now and I suppose I hate her too for not loving him the way he deserves to be loved and for keeping me from MM.

I still feel guilty and sorrow for what I have done. BUt I have no respect for her.

Yes, I met his wife shortly after I met him. The only feeling I had toward her in the early days was some guilt. Later on, after he told her about me, I avoided her since I knew how angry she was. I lived in a small town and we travelled in the same circles so it was hard to do.

In time, the three of us agreed to an arrangement where we both were part of his life - he had long since moved out of the family home. I never hated her, I liked her always and grew to love her, too. I was incredibly insecure about her as she was with me. We are still friends even though neither of us is with him. We have never yet discussed our anger with MM - I'd like to do that someday.

Although circumstances have not arisen of meeting his wife face to face.

I have seen his wife on several occassions while our vehicles are passing on the road at least once a week while on the way to work.

We live 2 miles apart to be exact.

In the beginning, I never did feel anything for or about her one way or another.

Now 7 years later, I am starting to feel much resentment towards her.

I am in no way jealous of her. My resentment stems from what she has and I don't.

I love MM and can't be with him because of her. Their marriage is held together by lies, not love.

Regardless of the many hours MM spends with me . . . he still goes home to her.

Did you know or meet his wife? What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

Didn't know her prior to the A. I never thought about her at first. As I came to accept that he was actually going to leave her, I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for all 3 of us though.

After he left her, I've learnt a lot more about her and my feelings towards her are informed by what I've learned about her. She has anger problems. She's arrogant and has a controlling nature. She has exceptionally poor communication skills. She's a 'princess.' She treated MM as a lackey, his brother told me. One of their children told me she walked in on her mum with an OM over 10 years ago. His Father said, "Son, I don't know how you lived with her so long [20 years]." She uses the kids and witholds access. She is dismissive of me, calls me names and has attempted to discredit me in a range of areas (with his kids, his family) when she only knows that I've had an A with her H. I've not met her. I don't want to. She sounds scary.

I feel sorry for her too as she is still, 2 years after the fact, very angry and bitter. She accepts no responsibility for their poor M. She has no insight.

I've only met her once, and I know its irrational, but I hate her. She is a very controlling person (this comes not only from him, but from mutual friends who have spent time with them as a couple) and has put him through a lot of grief, and since he's my best friend, I hate her for the pain she's put him through. I also hate her for not letting go; I think she HAS to have some idea by now, and they never have sex and don't seem to get along, so I feel like she's just using him for his money (he works very hard and brings home a very nice salary, and although she is well educated, she refuses to work. She also insists on having a full-time nanny to help her with their 2 children, one of whom is in school all day, so she basically spends his money and does nothing).

I was recently diagnosed with genital herpes, and since I was faithful to him and he was only with her and I, circumstantial evidence indicates that she cheated on him and passed the disease to both of us. My MM and I had tested negative for all STD's at the start of our relationship, and his total response to my diagnosis leads me to believe that he's been faithful to the two of us. So now I hate her even more because I blame her for giving me this disease.

It's strange that we, as OW, can hate or even envy our MM's W. She is, for whatever he has described her as to you, the woman who the man you claim to love has vowed his life to and possibly born his children. There must have been something about her to make him fall in love. He fell in love with you, after all, so his choices can't be all bad. I do know my MM's W, have sat on her couch holding her children, have eaten in her kitchen, have shared a picnic lunch. She was at my last wedding, with him, three months before the EMA began. Just as clueless as always.
At first, I felt so guilty I made myself sick. Then, as she began to suspect and accuse, I did everything in my power to hide. Long phone calls, both of us crying, me trying my best to convince her the truth was not real- the tell-tale signs we only her imagination... trust me, I said. What a fool... right in front of her eyes. Two years later, I still see her occasionally. When left alone together at parties, she confides in me... about their problems, how he is in the relationsip and even in bed... if she only knew why he's been so tired, I think. It makes me sick to think that he touches her, but that's reality... she's his wife. He is still her husband and here I am, his OW, pretending to be her friend. What a bitch I am... how could I possibly hate her? She is simply too weak to stand up for herself and face reality. I don't necessarily pity or envy her either. We all have choices and she chooses to stay with a man who she can't trust. As much as I love him, I could never be that accepting.

I met her for the first time at a business function, although I'd seen pictures of her at her home. I wasn't sure how I'd react, but it wasn't what I had expected. They were together and I was by myself when the introductions were made. I have to honestly say that I knew for "dead certain" what he'd been alluding to all along, as far as his overall satisfaction with his wife. She seemed nice and all, but I knew for sure that he had more woman with me than he ever would with her. He says he has a fairly happy marriage and that he'll never leave her, but I know for sure that he needs me in his life to bring back the joy and admiration that he doesn't have with her. I knew he wanted to be with me.

It changes weekly. Sometimes I feel pity, sometimes empathy. Sometimes I'm angry, sometimes jealous, sometimes indignant. I know how unhappy MM was when he was with her and I have heard of the times she humiliated him, but then I think of how happy they must have been on their wedding day, or when their child was born and I realise it can't have been all that bad all of the time. I wonder if she missed him as much as I do when he was away, or felt as lost without him.

Right now she is being vindictive, unreasonable and abusive, which MM says she was like 90% of the time. It makes me angry that he had to live like that for so long, but you do have to wonder what it was like from her perspective. I wonder if the abuse and agression were expressions of insecurity, not hatred, and I wonder how much she really misses him now. She might have all the house and all the money, but I would hate to be in her position.

I have never met his wife. I viewed her as cold and uninvolved in his life, pretty selfish really.

Of course, the only thing I had to go on was what he said. I understand that there are usually 3 sides to every story, his, hers and the truth.

My feeling toward her are quickly turning to understanding. I am begining to understand why she has distanced herself from him. If he dealt with her in the same off-handed manner he deals with me, I couldn't blame her!

I assume she is a nice woman, and from what I have heard about her, I think she and I could have been friends if the circumstances were different.

I met her after we became "public" she is/was a very vengful person. We have 3 children together, and are now married, and she has also remarried, but she continues to take out all her hate, and spiteful feelings on H and our children, as well as myself. She continues to beleive that I am the root cause for the end of the M.

I honestly wish she would get hit by a truck.

Didn't know her before, don't know her now. I've seen her, she's not unattractive, I don't think I'm better or prettier...

At first, I tried to pretend she didn't exist, but as time passed, I felt guilty because MM has always said what a wonderful loving person she is. He's never complained about her, never said a harsh word. I have no ill feelings toward her.

Yes, I knew his wife. We were good friends, in fact, and had been for a number of years before she introduced me to her H. Him and I hit it off immediately - but only as friends. The three of us were inseparable for some time. Then the three of us started playing with the idea of a menage-a-trois. In the midst of all that mess, the boundaries began breaking down. In the end, MM and I ended up falling in love and wanting her out of the "threesome." Eventually him and I started seeing each other behind her back. So, in short, yes I very much knew her.

Feelings for her? Well, I cared about her very much though I know that sounds ridiculous. Loved her, really. But I just happened to love him more and to, apparently, have lost my sanity and my good judgment. Just like he ended up having to make a choice between her and I, I had to make a choice between my friendship with her and my relationship with him. I chose him and he chose me but it was difficult. I never hated her. How could I? I was the one that did HER wrong.

When the relationship first started she was out of the picture (he moved away but she was following in a few months). He made it seem as though she trapped him by forcing him to choose all or nothing (marry her or never see the baby). At that point I did have many negitive feelings for her because we didn't talk about her much and I steered clear of the topic. When I finally seen a picture of her, thats when I began to dislike her. I thought she was not at pretty as me and didn't deserve him, by far. I thought I was the better woman for him and that she was just a sneaky girl who tried and succeeded in trapping this man who was out of her league. I began to dislike her more, as he portrayed her as insecure, minipulative, obsessive, controlling and needy. He talked of how he wished that she would leave and that he couldn't leave himself unless he never wanted to see his daughter again. I began to see her as evil and felt she would never be so stupid as to give him up because she knew she would never find someone as good. She found out about me and sent me nasty emails and left nasty messages on my voicemail. I hated her. I thought, "how dare she? she should just be happy she got this far with him and shouldn't be crossing the line by fussing at me."

Then...after things settled down and she just wanted answers I talked to her. I found out that she was a nice woman who I related to alot. He had desensitized me to the point that I hardly seen her as human. After talking to her I realize that she wasn't so bad after all.

I have never met MM wife. In the beginning it was like she didn't exist. I have been with MM for 8 months now. The first time I went to their home, I felt sick, I remember seeing a note that she wrote, it was difficult to look at it. I wouldn't look at any pictures of her in their place.

She knows that I am a friend of her H, but hasn't met me. MM wanted me to meet her so that she would know who I was, so if I phoned it wouldn't bother her so much. I just can't meet her. I need to maintain a distance from her to be able to have any thoughts of remaining in this EMR. I guess I feel a lot of guilt to her. At one time I was just going to end it because I didn't want to hurt her, over time that went away quite a bit. Sometimes I get angry with her because she phones MM constantly and is very demanding. He doesn't seem to have any time to himself. I guess the feelings I have are pretty much all over the place.

Did you know or meet his wife?
I am in the minority on this forum because I am actually a friend of the couple. I know his wife very well.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
I tried not to think of her feelings at first. Denial is an absolute defense mechanism.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?
After a while I began to realize what an awful situation I would be in if the A was discovered.

Did you ever hate her? If so, why?
No, not ever.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.
She was completely unaware of the activities her husband and I were engaged in. Once I realized how I would feel if it were my H in this relationship, my whole attitude towards him started to change. Maybe the playing field would have been more level if she had known what was going on. I was not woman enough to let that happen.

I think of her often. Sometimes I even feel sorry for her. I have never met her and I do not know too much about her but I know she loves a great man I just don't think she completes him that way that I can. I would never disrepect her becasue she is the mother of his child and I would never admitt the affair to her becasue I have my MM's back and will to the end. It's his job to tell her not mine. I just wonder where does she think he is and why doesn't she call more often. That scares me becasue I feel she is the type of wife that will never let him go no matter what he does to her and I don't think thaat he has it in him to leave her. His guilt will tear him up inside and I don't want that to happen. I wish she would want more and walk away.

yes, i know his wife rather well actually. our families have been friends for generations, so i knew her before the affair began. she was never my favorite person, but she seemed ok. at the beginning i didn't really have any feelings towards her, but as the EMR progressed, things became horribly awkward when i'd see her in social situations. i was jealous, but i also felt terrible doing something that could hurt her so much. i wanted to be able to hate her, to make it easier on myself. but i ended up doing everything i could to protect her from ever finding out about her H and me. when she did find out, it came out that she'd always been suspicious that something was going on, and knowing that she'd had to deal with that the whole time made it so much worse. i never wanted her to be hurt.

In the beginning, I kind of felt sorry for her. We seemed alike in a lot of ways. I spoke to her kindly at first and she was civil. Then she became nasty and it was obvious that she really wanted to hurt me intentionally. That is when my feelings changed towards her.

Now, I think she is a nasty, controlling co-dependent, mental person.

Pretty much insanely jealous. I hate that she sees him everyday, I hate that she is the mother of his children. I also feel kind of sorry for her. It must not be much of a relationship since he has to have me. Not just sex, he comes to me for everything from where to cut his hair, to what to give his friends for birthdays etc.
I am also curious about her, how can she not suspect? I call and hang up just to see if she is there, not my proudest moments.
I know that his little girl is his whole world and he would never leave his wife because of it. He is such a great dad, I know he spends all of his weekends with her (she is 4). Every Sunday the 2 of them go to a matinee. I don't think he would ever risk having his W take his children away.

I can honestly say I pity her. She is living in a dream world and refuses to accept her husband is moving on, nor does she do anything to make him want to stay. She has many mental problems and leaving will be tough for MM but I can only feel sorry for the mess of a woman she is.

secret

my feelings about her have not changed, the first time I met I thought she either had a lemon in her mouth or a broom up her butt. I still think that.

She's rather cold and ... not sure how to describe it.. she's more focused on the work of being in a family than the warmth of it. I am just the opposite. I recognize the work (I'm a MOW) but cherish the warmth of my home and family.

I don't know her at all, I just wish I was her so that I could have him in the same way. Ah, what a beautiful way it must be.

(We have chosen to back off from our relationship, MM and I. We tried the whole time to break it off. We didn't want to destroy people. We still have contact, by phone, but we don't see eachother anymore. We love eachother deeply, deeply enough to care about more than ourselves. We selfishly gave in to our love and passion for a time, we are no longer.)

Did you know or meet his wife? I know his wife. I am ashamed to say she is a friend. A much better friend to me than I have been to her.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? I loved her.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

I never hated her. My love for her helped me to walk away from her husband. I didn't want to ruin her life.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

Recently I have started having feelings of jealousy. I am only jealous of the time she has with him, which I have less of.

I'm not sure exactly how I feel about his wife.

I go back and forth feeling very jealous and feeling really horrible for being so involved with her husband. Our relationship has gone on for 10 years, on and off - and he doesn't talk about her much at all. I know very little about her.

I did meet her twice, when he and I were friends only. She wasn't at all what I expected her to be. But the few things I've learned about her make me realize she is probably someone I would be good friends with.

I think about her all the time. What she thinks, what she knows, how she would react. Sometimes, when I hear some stories about their relationship or they way they get along, when I know its not what he would like, I get angry. I hate that she has everything with him that I want and doesn't seem to appreciate it.

Then again ... I am the first one to admit that I don't know her side of the story. So I try to refrain from being judgemental and angry. He has told me that he does love her - that they are good friends and just shouldn't have gotten married. How can I not feel some compassion and guilt for potentially hurting someone he loves. It sounds strange to put it that way - but its how I feel.

I have seen her once, from a reasonable distance. He rarely talks about her, but the stories he relays show me that she disrespects him and takes him for granted. I feel nothing towards her - no guilt, no like or dislike - she is not my problem.

I also refused to let my XMM talk about his wife to me-I'm not his freaking psychologist. Even though he tried. She's short, and dumpy, with terrible hair. I didn't know her beforehand, and I see her around town but we've never been introduced. I was jealous of their relationship. Now I just pity her.

Second MM-yes, I knew her. I quite like her actually, not jealous, feel sorry for her.

I tried to keep her outside of our relationship by never talking about her. We never discussed our spouses unless it was necessary.
How did I feel towards her? I was jealous at first but over time, I felt sorry for her.
Now that we are no longer in an emr, I feel nothing really. If I think about it, I soppose it can be summed up as alittle bit sorry that she has no idea who she's married to, sorry that I disliked her when she did nothing to me.
She's a nice person from what I see.

I never meant her face to face, but she did call me a couple of times. First time, she made him call me and tell me that they were going to work it out, and to not call him. Of course, she didn't know that he had told me that he had to call me, and that she would be listening on the other end. You know, I think he played us both on that one.
The second time, she called me on New Years Day,and asked me if I had called their house the night before. I didn't and then she ranted and raved and told me that she knew everything and that he had told her everything, and that I could have him, but he wouldn't have anything to give me--(I didn't want anything(her possesions)--all I wanted was his love--and him to be with me--she had him.
She wanted him to bring her to my place of work, so that she could see what I looked like--she still has no idea.
I don't really have any feelings for her--I guess I feel sorry for her, because he did cheat on her, and lie to her everyday during the affair.
Of course, I know that he probably lied to me too, but I now know that I am better off without him, and what passion and love we did have, I can remember the good times , and keep them in my heart. She still has to deal with the pain that he did this to her everyday of their marriage and try to move on. I don't really believe that she can do this, but I will never know, because I am not a fly on the wall, and only him and his wife know how their marriage is going.

Did you know or meet his wife?
Neither

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
Did not really think of her. It was always about me and him and we did not dwell on each others Ms though we knew the other was there to talk to.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?
They haven't. I don't hate her. I can understand why their marriage is not what he would want now, from both their perspectives, it's time and circumstance.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wif
I always imagined her in a certain way, thought she would be high maintenance looking etc. I saw a picture of her and she looks very 'homely'. It really upset me I am much better looking, am more intelligent, independently wealthy etc so I dont feel as if I am being fair

I know that MM's marriage is a mess. I've never actually met his W and I don't think I ever want to. I feel pity for her and her situation but I also feel an incredible amount of resentment. She has what I what- she has the family and husband I've dreamt of having with MM- and she takes it for granted. She's a bitter unhappy woman from what I know of her- but she's bipolar so I try my best to remember that.

They are in a loveless marriage. And I hate her for treating MM the way she does. I can't really decide if I pity or resent her more one way or another. I'd really just prefer to be indifferent- but I can't knowing the man I'm in love with goes home to her every night.

I met her approx. 3 times before the EMR began. He and I were coworkers, and she would occasionally come to our happy hours. I really liked her. In other circumstances, we could be very good friends. I found her to be pretty, intelligent, easy to talk to, and she was not one of those wives/girlfriends who watched like a hawk whatever woman was talking to their man. That is pretty weird in light of what happened with he and I.

Anyway, my feelings about her have not changed. I know she's great. I am smart enough to recognize that the situation that developed was not about "who's the better woman?" or even "who is better for MM?" I think we are both great women who happen to love and be loved by the same man. The situation is more about MM himself - why did he not look for fulfillment with one woman instead of half-fulfillment with two?? I think the situation probably would be the same had he met me first. Me as wife, her as OW (if she would have agreed to be the OW). Weird!!

I did have petty emotions like jealousy from time to time. The fact that she gets to wake up beside him, drink coffee every morning with him, etc. did hurt me. But I realize if she knew he was seeing me, she'd be jealous of me as well.

I haven't met her but I've seen her on several occasions. I am not jealous of her, she's 63 he's 39. So, no competition there but from previous divorces and ample alimony checks, she's more financially attractive than I am. She uses her money to control him just like some husbands do with their wives. He left his job because grandma likes him to be at home with her. So if he leaves her, she'll cut his allowances and toys pronto. I'm so glad hind sight is 20/20.

I've never spoken to the W, except for the time that she walked into the store where I worked and I was the only person on the floor at the time and had to help her. Talk about akward! That was months ago, and even though she sees me intermittently, she has no idea who or what I am.
Do I hate her? I think hate is a strong word. I strongly dislike her. She is insanely jealous and whenever she is around, my MM can't speak to anyone of the female gender, period. She's very controlling and if she gets a whiff that something isn't right, she goes into what we refer to as psycho stalker mode. She'll come up to his workplace with the kids in tow and sit in the office for up to 7 hours at a time. So, I pity the children. The kids, 7 and 5, don't need to be sitting in Daddy's office all afternoon and all night long -- it's not healthy in the slightest respect. I've seen this woman berate him and accuse him of everything under the sun in front of other people, and I wonder why he stays... or what he ever saw in her to begin with.
I agree with most others here - I don't hate her, but I do envy her simply because she has him 99% of the time and I don't.

My feelings towards her have fluctuated over the years. Ive known her almost as long as him, although Ive never known her well. Before the A, I always wondered how she could be so indifferent to him, so calloused and not seeing beyond her own wants.
As time went and he and I became friends, I realized that it's just part of her personality: she want intentionally mean, just thay had very separate lives. And that she was more content that he was. Ive always been careful to try to be respectful of her, to try to understand her.
Now that they're D and he and I are getting married, I hope that she and I can always at least be civil: so far, so good, although she doent know that we're getting married yet. I feel sorry for her, not seeing that she has to give as well as recieve.
She's not an evil hag. They were just in a bd situation from the beginning, which deserves sympathy.

i hate this girl. there is no other words for it.. shes obnoxious and pathetic. she's 20 years old 1st of all.. and all her friends are younger. she thinks she's still in highschool. we've met twice in person.. one time he was with her and we had a verbal fite.. the second time he was with me and we got in a fist fight.. we do know all the same people so we conversate in a phoney friendly way occasionaly online..i try to be nice to her basically becuase she never did anything wrong to me

I tried to understand his wife from the first: why she lied about having MS, why she hated their daughter, why she alienated him...I even offered to help...she was hateful then and is now...and it doesn't help she still sees me as the Black Whore who stole her husband.

I tried to understand his wife from the first: why she lied about having MS, why she hated their daughter, why she alienated him...I even offered to help...she was hateful then and is now...and it doesn't help she still sees me as the Black Whore who stole her husband.

I knew his wife. We used to work closely together, but only still worked at the same company by the time the A began. I didn't like her before I ever even met him. She was mean to me at work and talked bad about me alot (still does..and NO not because she knows about he and I, she doesn't know)
Now all that combined with the downfall of our R, I feel that I really hate her.

Did you know or meet his wife?

Not yet.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?

In the beginning I hated her. Thought she was so cold and unloving. Thought she tricked H into marrying her by getting pregnant. Believed MMs stories that he married to do the right thing, but never really loved her.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?

I started to know her better through MMs descriptions of her. She was dedicated to her family. She was as devoted to her H as I was to her H. I also spoke with her once when I called their home in a crisis needing to talk to my soulmate. She was surprisingly decent to me, despite a previous D Day.

Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

I hated her because I felt she was messing up my life. She was married to my soul mate and hell, it was my turn and I wanted happiness too. How dare she monopolize my love's time! How dare she ask him to mash the potatoes when we were having a perfectly nice IM conversation. Also, I believed she was only married because she got herself "knocked up" by forgetting to take her birth control...17 years prior of course.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

I honestly have no feelings towards her at all. I have never met her although I have seen her numerous times at our children's school events. I have wondered if she really understands what a great man she has in her life and how much worse it could be for her. I get irritated at how the words that come from her mouth deeply influence him each day. However, I don't see her as a threat so that helps I guess.

I do know his wife a little. She is actually his 3rd wife. We have been out to dinner as couples a few times and have met out at our gavorite bar a few times. She is really fun to be out with. She has kind of a wild streak which I think is what initially attracted him to her. She is really a very nice person and i do like her.

I don't understand why he feels the need to be with me or anyone else. (I know that he is not exclusive to this EMR. In fact, we have all been out together and his girlfriend, not me, was with us.) I really don't anything about their relationship - and honestly, I don't ask.

I think it is true I have never seen this kind of relation lasts very nicely, can not last.
We know by heart why.

for mm #1 i never met his wife until him and i were living together, and they were "seperated".... I have no ill feelings tword her....
for mm #2 i work with him and his wife and she is honestly a nice person, we acutally have some good conversations, of course if she knew the whole of it, perhaps things wouldnt be so civil

I met her at the same time that I met him. I, like everyone else, thought that they were a perfect couple, happy, supportive and dynamic. She plays the part of the loving and gracious wife very well. I was therefore surprised when he pursued a relationship with me.

Having learned more about her over the past 13 months, I've come to resent and despise her. She treats him terribly and is quite shrewish. She has had all of her wishes met and accomodated during their 26 year marriage and even now when they are so unhappy, still gets what she wants. I also despise how frightened he is of her and his inability to make the changes in his life that would make him happier because he fears that she will wreck him, his practice and his reputation. I resent the weakness she has instilled in him and it makes me sad. I hate her for so many things that she brings out in him.

I also feel sorry for her because all of the things that she complains about are valid.

But most of all I am jealous and resentful because she acts so careless about the one thing that I would love to have - a long term, public and commited relationship with him. That is what makes me the most frustrated.

my feelings towards his wife are complicated, since we're technically on friendly terms and i do truly love her and care about her. i also know, through her actions and bc MM tells me this, that she resents my friendship with her husband. for a long time this really made me angry, but i guess since the start of the affair, i can hardly blame her.

but i am constantly frustrated with her inability to mature as a person and her lack of understanding of her husband. if she was able to even slightly address her own emotional needs then MM might be able to really be himself with her (not need me) or trust that if he left, she'd be okay.

sometimes i get so mad hearing about their life... so angry with her, and then it quickly morphs into guilt. other times i feel like it's her fault that her husband and I are lovers. she pushed us both away by resenting our friendship and being cruel to me.

they have one child already. they will probably have more. the only times i really get so upset i can't see straight is when she complains (which is often) about the inconveniences of her life. she has everything she wants... a husband who will never leave her, money, and family, and yet she whines about these things she's chosen.

i wish she'd just grow up.

We started to chat on-line and were obviously pretty much alike - funny, playful and cunning. She probed very subtly and I teased just a little. She even confided in me when he was mean to her and asked for my help.

Then we arranged to meet up - I'd wanted this for a long time. MM was bemused. When we met I was genuinely shocked. She was short and dumpy and plain. I had got glammed up. MM very tactlessly could not take his eyes off me. I cooked for them and the children and it was a huge success and then we drove into town to visit a museum that I and MM had visited secretly before. We walked and chatted and showed the children the fun things. MM and son ran around being silly and avoiding w and me. I felt so odd kissing him and her goodbye. We had got on very well. She tried a little too hard but we clearly saw eye to eye about MM and childcare.

After that meeting she went home and cried. Our days were numbered as she saw how attracted we were to each other.

Now I do hate her. She talks to him with no affection or respect. She makes snide remarks about him on-line all the time as does he to her. After the BU she was all "My wonderful husband this and that" and making a show of being around when I was. She told vile lies about me to my friends and is very manipulative. He is weak and does what she tells him. She is a Mummy to him more than a wife. She doesn't understand his humour or see his darker side. He is very lonely.

He had the A because he didn't feel loved. She ignores him and lives her own life with the kids and her own friends. She talks about him as if he was another of her children. Plays the downtrodden wife and makes out he mistreats her. She's very needy and phones him all the time. She doesn't work but still he has to do all the decorating and taking the kids to places and organising their lives.

I am hugely jealous. He belongs with me.

I didnt know his wife and at first I really didnt think about her ,I mean I thought she was lucky to have mm and that she must be real pretty and then later I became jealous of her, I actually
thought I hated her and after the break up I wanted her to hurt like I did. I told her every nasty detail I could think of and like I said in another post,I traveled to their city and bothered them 24/7. I told her how mm said she was too lazy to work, so on. The impression he gave me was totally different than
what she actually was when we met ftf. I think shes smarter than he thinks and I think she hangs onto him for his money
unless shes just stupid.

In the beginning...I felt an odd sort of camaraderie with her. I never met her but we spoke of her often. He said they were best friends. They had an agreement as she wasn't sexual anymore.
I believed him, because I had that kind of relationship. Mine was real, and open and honest.
Then I found out they had a bad marriage. They had no understanding. They fought, she was controlling and demeaning and...humiliated him in fact. It was hard to hear. I didn't like her much then...I believed his stories were true.
At some point I found out they had no agreement. It took awhile to settle in. I felt terrible about her, being part of this deceitful relationship. Taking her choices away from her. She sounded like a woman who had some real issues, and they definately weren't compatible. He later admitted they probably married simply because they didn't hate each other after 6 months. They both wanted a family. How does he really feel about her? He resents her, they fight, they don't communicate at all. He says he would have left a long time ago if not for the kids. He says they were friends once...but the problems began before the kids. Truth is they were never compatible. Its a bad situation for both of them.
In the end I felt sorry for her. Regardless of her issues, she has the potential to change, find happiness. Lying to her would keep her in the dark and limit her life.
It was wrong so I left him about 6 weeks after I found out.

Never met her. Wouldn't know her if I ran into her. I have no idea where they live. All I do know is that she has borne him a daughter & she raises chickens.

He doesn't talk about her & I don't ask (I did, once, when I found out that he was married--3 years into OUR relationship). Besides, I wouldn't believe anything he said about her. He has made allusions about her that aren't favorable, but I think that's just his way of rationalizing our relationship. She may be the nicest, most sensible person in the world. Or, she could be the unreasonable harridan he's made he out to be. I simply don't know.

There are times I'd like to know. Just out of curiousity. I don't want to break up their relationship. But there are things I'd like to know. How they wound up together. (Her side--he says she got pregnant.) What she's really like. We might become friends. (But then I'd have to tell her.)

Maybe she knows about me (& the others in his "harem") and doesn't care. Sometimes I joke that when he goes home, instead of asking him "what did you do today" she asks him "Who did you do today?"

Whatever, it's his scen to deal with, not mine.

I don't know or have ever met his wife. I have an impression of her and have seen pictures. I don't like her. I think she is a materialistic shrew who does not appreciate a good man, husband, father. If she discovered the affair, I imagine she would keep the marriage together for the all important appearances and be even more bitchy and bossy to her darling husband. Maybe if I met her and found her to be likeable, I would have a more difficult time justifying my affair.

She's short (very short - I think 5'2", I'm tall, 5'7'), and bossy, and always seems to be in a very bad mood. I've only met her three times but she always ignores me, and is giving him a load of grief. She just seems like the arch bitch from hell, and so stupid, and has all these weird quirks. I don't know how he can stand her at all, and in fact he does complain about her but says he will never leave her. Go figure. And she doesn't take care of him sexually, at least not for the last year as she's been having a bit of trouble with her health, nothing that would stop me. We've been having an affair for 6 months now and we have as much sex as we can. None of this crap about his wife really matters to me though because I would never leave my dear husband for him, even if he begged me to. I just don't get why he's so devoted to his wife, claims he loves her completely, when she's such a bitch, but I guess some men love that. His mother was cold and bitchy to him as well so he's got "issues". I'm his 5th affair he's had on her over the years (they've been married over 30 years), so obviously they have issues as a couple.

I can bet my story is not like most.. The wife for over a year stalked me.. called my home, threatened me etc.. after I declared NC with the MM and decided to move on.. she popped up on me in a game room and asked if we could talk.. We did.. turns out shes nothing like the MM told me.. I told her I was backing off and had ended things.. I sent her the NC email as proof.. I answered her questions.. and though it all we were both calm and respectful to each other.. The phone calls to my home have stopped completely.. and just today I received an eail from her asking if I was ok because she hadnt seen me online.. weird I know.. but Im truly happy they are working it out.. knowing that has helped me move on as well

If I met W, the A would be over. NO WAY could I see her. I don't like some of the stuff I hear about her, but he CHOOSES to be with her, he CHOSE to marry her....she can't be THAT bad. She isn't in the wrong here, even if she isn't providing MM with all he needs.

I have never met his wife. Our social and professional circles are different so that wont happen.


At first I felt like I was betraying her - even though I didnt know her. I now know it was confusion and guilt because I have feelings for her husband. Other than that, I havent had feelings about her one way or the other. I choose not to ask about their marriage for two reasons. One its none of my business and two, there are two sides to every story and getting only half the story seems like a waste of time. We dont discuss her and that is best for us.

I know his wife... we aren't what I would call friends (especially now) but we are friendly. I think she is a very sweet, nice, and generally good-natured person. Oh how I wish she was a crazy raving bitch... it would somehow make what I am a little easier to accept. But she's not. Fortunately, she does not suspect and never will... that's just her.

I met her, before the EMA. We chatted on the phone frequently when she'd call work looking for him . We were always friendly wtih eachother before.
I always had a lot of respect for her, thought she was nice, smart, funny, cool woman. This was before the EMA.
We didn't begin EMA til after he told her he wanted divorce. She became very crazy after that, and accused me of cheating with him said I was the cause of it. She still calls me, sometimes. She is not nasty with me, but very sad. I deny everything. She tells me a lot about his personal life, things that are better found out through experience and time than just saying it. She does not accuse me personally of having an EMA with MM, but she says he wants a D because he's in love with me.
She has become very crazy with him. She hid all of his belongings out of their house, kicked him out, calls him constantly to keep tabs, tried to commit suicide in front of him, and threatens to make our lives hell if we ever get together.
I've lost most if not all respect for the woman because of her irrational behaviour. But then again, I can't blame her, she's losing the greatest man alive!

Golly. Do you think perhaps the wife accused you of cheating with him because, oh I don't know...you are? Do you think this once smart, cool woman as you call her may have become "irrational" because her husband is an ass? Nope. Clearly that hasn't occurred to you.

p.s. Here's a hot tip-----he is not wonderful. He cheats on his "awesome" wife.

What happened is terrible. Everything about it is. There isn't anything good about it, from any way of looking at it.
But I don't think he's an ass. Bad things happen to good people. You can't change the way you feel. His relationship with me is barely physical. But I guess an emotional affair is even worse, right?
I can understand how she feels, if I put myself in her shoes, I'd be acting the same exact way I'm sure.

Bad things happen to good people? Is that it? OK. Whatever.

And maybe we can't help our feelings, but we sure as hell can control whether or not we act upon them. Just because you both have working parts does not mean you need to try them out together. How much less evolved can you be?

My MM's W told my H all the details of the A and sent him an explicit picture of me with MM. It ended my marriage. I hate her!!!

You ruined your own marriage Hikergirl. Wow.

Did you know or meet his wife? YES I HAVE MET HIS WIFE AND SHE IS GREAT. SHE IS VERY NICE HE DOES NOT SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HER. THEY ARE JUST DIFFERENT PEOPLE. THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON. What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? SHE IS A VERY GOOD WOMEN AND I WOULD NEVER WANT TO HURT HER. WHEN I MET HER I REALIZED SHE WAS REAL. I FELT GUILT BECAUSE SHE WAS SO KIND TO ME AND MY HUSBAND. SHE WOULD NEVER SUSPECT A THING. I GUESS IT WOULD HAVE BEEN EASIER IF SHE WAS A BITCH TOO HATE HER BUT SHE IS NICE AND KIND AND I CAN NOT HATE HER. MAYBE I ENVY HER BECAUSE SHE WILL ALWAYS HAVE HIM. Did you ever hate her? NO, IT IS NOT HER FAULT IT IS OURS. IN A WAY WE WILL ALWAYS SHARE EACHOTHER EVEN THOUGH IN SECRET.

I had met her a few times when MM and I were friends. The first time meeting me she barely looked at me, let alone talked to me. Her body language was very obvious in the fact that she didn't want me there. The few other times I went out with them (when MM and I were friends) she didn't talk to or look at me.

Personally, I didn't like her much when I met her because she was so rude. The stories MM told me (when he was married) were pretty much validated by his family members (those who liked her and those who didn't). If I knew her without having known him I still wouldn't have liked her, she's too "I am woman hear me roar" for my liking.

I have met her. Once. At the time of our meeting, she had (and still has) her suspicions about he and I, but also at that time, he and I were in a very different place. At the time, he had been telling me that he would never leave her; that they had accumulated too much 'stuff' that he was unwilling to give up, and that he didn't hate her or even dislike her enough to leave her. I was just a cure for boredom. While it hurt, I figured at least he was upfront with me and I was okay with being able to see him as it was. After meeting her, and seeing the way she treated him, I decided to break off the relationship with him.

Of course, I only get one side of the story about her... from him. But when I met her, it was very obvious that she had very little respect for him. He came from poverty and was in the military, working his way to a full scholarship and a degree in engineering. Since then, he has climbed the ladder to damn near the top of his company (a fortune 500 company) and is the most intelligent, driven, ambitious man I've ever met. She didn't bother to look at him when he spoke, rolled her eyes at his jokes and basically ignored him. So I decided that I just couldn't handle having such deep emotions for him while he was content to live with a woman who would treat him that way. She comes from big money and has had everything provided for her, her entire life. She has everything she could want, and he provides it. He feels very taken for granted and I can understand why.

After breaking it off with him, he came back to me and told me he realized he was being a fool by choosing to live the way he was, and that he could not let me go. He told me that the 'stuff' meant nothing to him, without me, and that we would again have 'stuff', together, one day. He said if he had to, he would walk out with the clothes on his back. I told him to get his things in order and to do it while protecting himself as much as possible. He's since seen an attorney and is making arrangements and getting things in order to separate from her. It will be a few years, til his two oldest graduate, but I am willing to wait.

Yes, I hate her. She has everything I want... and what I want is simple. Him. And she takes him for granted. She can't see how good she has it because she's used to having been pampered all her life. I am jealous of everything she has with him because I know what a good provider he is. He has taken better care of me, physically, emotionally and yes, financially, than any man ever has, even given our situation.

I knew her long before the affair. I tried to be friends with her long before the affair as well. She never liked me, wouldn't have it. I ended up not liking her because she is too jealous and unfriendly with other women. When the affair started I didn't like her any more or less. I felt in some ways she got what she deserved since she paid no attention to her husband for years. She is just not a nice person to him, or many people for that matter.

I'm only a couple months into it....
I don't know his wife, but I'd like to meet her. I think I'd like to be THEIR friend, actually.
But isn't that a ridiculous concept?
I don't see how I can know her without being duplicitious.

He tells me I am a conglomerate of all 4 women he's been with in his life. It seems I mostly remind him of his current wife (he's been married twice), and his very first girlfriend way back when. I admired his wife a lot more when I first met him and we were just friends. She sounded like my kind of woman.
But my feelings have changed somewhat in that it sounds like she's become complacent in her posh life... and I sorta don't respect that aspect of her. Otherwise, she sounds nice, decent, doting, and like she lucked out X 1000000 when she met him. I think she's too smart to leave him, and if she found out about us, she'd just suffer through it because she has no family of her own, and has been letting him support her.
Sometimes I wonder what she does all day.
In this regard, as well as libido, we are very different.

For some reason, I think she'd benefit from knowing me.
Someday. I hope we'll all just be friends.

Tree

I never had any bad feelings towards his wife. I guess part of me felt so sorry for her that she was living in a fools paradise with no idea what a cheater her husband was and had been for many years. I was a bit of jealous of her at times because he always told me all the places they went together while I was stuck home alone waiting for him to find a few minutes to be with me. He never said anything bad about his wife or his marriage. the only thing I drew the line on was their sex life. I did not want to know anything about that because it made it too real for me I guess. besides it was between them and by his talking about it brought her into the bedroom with us and I did not want that. You see although I fell very deeply in love with this man I never wanted him around full time. I know that is different from other women but you see I had been there and I enjoyed not having to cook his meals, wash his clothes or do the dailys. I only got the best of him when we were together and then he went home to her for the rest. For me it was just about perfect. besides I did not want to ever break up his home. I just wanted what we had to continue for years because it was all I needed in my life. Yes I did get tired of being alone on the weekends and only seeing him when it was safe but when you fall in love with a married man you have to put up with the sharing

I've never met his wife. When we first started seeing each other, 10 years ago, I would see her at a restaurant or at the mall and I was always struck by how sad she looked. He is very outgoing and colorful, loves life and shows it. I watched them once sitting together at an event in the park. He was laughing and talking with family and friends. She sat quietly, looking sad and colorless. I thought, that just doesn't seem right! I imagined him married to a woman more like him. And then someone said something funny and she threw her head back and laughed. It totally transformed her. She has this fabulous infection laugh and I suddenly understood why he married her.

He doesn't talk badly about her because it makes me uncomfortable and because I realize that I'm only hearing his side of the story. I told him that once and he acknowledged it's true. Last year I had some changes in my life that have seriously cut down on the amount of time we can spend together; lack of time and location. Everyday he asks me to go to his house to see him. I refuse. It's HER house, her stuff, her space, her bed. It feels like it would be unforgiveably disrespectful to bring our affair into her house. And yes, I know how hypocrital that sounds considering the fact that I am sleeping with her husband. But I'm not going to violate her personal space, the home she made with him, where she's safe and content.

I think I owe her at least that much.

Well, I've not met her, but am planning to, just out of curiousity. I'd like to know what it is about her that caused him to "marry" her. (In quotes, cuz it's CL.) Some things he's said make me think I might like her. OK, he says it's because she got pregnant & he was messed up from the previous divorce. (The ex is still causing problems.)
But, I think she knows he's cheating & is planning to get even--I hope she is. #1 took his house & kid, but left him his business. #2 is setting him up in business w/her father & can pull the rug from under him whenever she wants. Do I want this to happen so he'll come running to me? No. I like things just as they are. He comes to me when I call, we have great sex & great conversation (the total antithesis of his "wedded bliss")and then he goes home & she cooks & cleans & does his dirty laundry.

He says I'm the only one he trusts. That's interesting because I wouldn't trust him at all.

I've never met his W.Smm and I have been together for 7yrs now and he never spoke about her in the beginning and I pretended that she didn't even exist. Fast forward to now, they are legally separated, we are trying to build our lives together with plans of marriage and kids within the next 3yrs and I have thought about her a lot.

I feel sad for her knowing that she has given 20yrs of her life to a marriage and it will all come to an end close to her 50th birthday. From what he's said the marriage ended yrs ago, but she had cancer and had to remove both her breasts so he couldn't leave her before now; he wanted to make sure she was in a good place physically and mentally. She sounds like a bitter woman, but I can't blame her as she has had many struggles over the yrs and I'm sorry that I'm the impetus for the end of their marriage. I know that he wouldn't have left her if I was not in the picture. He would have continued to sleep in a separate bedroom but provide her with the security that she needed. They've been separated since July of last year and SMM wants her to file for D, but she is yet to do it and so he says he will do it by November if she doesn't. He doesn't love her, but he feels a strong sense of obligation to her and has ensured that she is well taken care of financially.

He has always ensured that she never found out about us before he filed for separation and at present he doesn't flaunt our relationship but he isn't doing everything possible to hide it either. I want to move on with my life with SMM, but I feel a terrible sense of guilt that she at age 46, will have to start over after losing both of her breast and giving 20yrs of her life to a marriage that was lacking in fulfillment. Maybe I feel this way towards her because my stepfather left my mother for another woman and I saw the devastation the divorce caused her especially since she was in her 50's.

Did you know or meet his wife?

> Nope, just know whatever it was that he told me, which I don't know what the truth was anymore.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?

> I was totally neutral to her in the beginning. Didn't care one way or another.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?

> They did change. I heard more about her from his point of view. I guess I pity her more. I heard more of the 'don't have sex, all we do is fight, only together for the kids' lies so I don't know what to believe. I just want to tell myself that if my husband were having a woman on the side for 2.5 years that I wouldn't put up with it. But then, I read on TOW elsewhere that I was putting up with my boyfriend having a W on the side for 2.5 years... I guess I kind of pity myself. I really think that I know him better than she does. I accept him more, but maybe I just am trying to delude myself.

Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

> Not hate. Just jealousy. She has what I want.

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

Did you know or meet his wife?
I met her. We weren't friends or anything.

What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
My friends and I, I'm ashamed to say, laughed much at her expense, bestowed upon her a horrible nickname, and basically gloated that he had "traded up" when he met me. Purely juvenile, I know.

How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?
Very much so. I began to hate her when he told me that she treated him badly, that she used him, etc. etc. etc. All lies, I found out later.

Now I'm actually wishing that I could apologize to her, even though about 8 years have passed and they aren't even together anymore. I did a stupid, shitty thing, plain and simple. Yes, I had help, but I am only responsible for my own actions, and I'm very sorry that I had anything to do with him at all.

I knew his wife before the relationship began between him and I. Not only did I know her, I actually liked her. I wouldn't say we were friends but we chatted on occasion as we were associated professionally. After work transferred her and he stayed behind for a while, him and I grew closer... and closer... until, well, you know. My feelings towards the wife haven't really changed. I still like her. My biggest change in feelings is intense and completely irrational jealousy.

I look at his wife, overweight and looking 10 years older than she is with a career left in the dust, and think that she is the exact opposite of the person I would want to be. (And of course, she doesn't have sex with him!)

She doesn't do anything with her life but take care of the kids, which I wouldn't make an issue of if she did this well. His money allows this. But they are monsters with no understanding of boundaries or limits-- they are the kids rolling around on the floor at a restaurant.

The only thing she is capable of talking about are these little bastards, and has not maintained any female/sexual identity. No wonder her husband strays....

MM is the only guy that even attempts any discipline. But sometimes I see him mimicking her behavior, and it makes me sick and want to drop him.

Although I'm not sticking around for it, I do hope he does what he says he'll do i.e. leave when they are grown so that she gets what's coming.

i told him from the start that his wife and family did not exist as far as i was concerned, so i didnt want to know anything about what he did when he wasnt with me.
he has honoured this, even though i know it has been difficult for him sometimes. but it was for my protection, i dont know her or anything about her so i dont have thoughts or concerns about her. she doesnt exist.

Well,I actully met MM's wife before I met MM. I had met her when I was 16 and she was 22. At the time she was just engaged to MM. From then on, she has become a good friend of mine. There is nothing bad that I can say about her at all. She is absolutely beautiful inside and out and she is so intelligent (she has her PhD.) The only reason why MM got into a R with me was because his wife had no time for him whatesoever since she was always so busy with work, and also their sex life is such a bore. I met MM a year after I had known his wife. He was just like an older brother figure to me, being as he was 11 years older than me. But all of that soon changed as soon as I moved to the area for college....thats another story.

I know her and have hung out with her. Unforturnately I have also played a big part in her complete heartbreak. She's a really great woman, he just did not feel for her what he felt for me. I have always felt horrible for what we were doing to her but didn't feel it was my place to tell her. Regardless, we got caught and she is crushed.

MM and I had met through mutual friends. Some of my friends were really good friends with Mrs.MM so I heard some things about her and their M through them. They said he is happily married and would never cheat, that they have the 'perfect marriage' (his words too), and his flirting with me would never develop further than that. They were really disapointed to find out he had given me his number and was calling me. They said they thought SHE would cheat on him before he would cheat on her.

At first I didn't think much of her. I hadn't met her and I didn't want to know her. She wasn't a friend of mine and I didn't want to feel anything like jealousy or to like her. One day at one of our mutual friends houses in MM and Mrs. MM's neighborhood I saw the two of them on a walk together, hand in hand. I got a sinking feeling in my gut and kept telling myself 'he belongs to her'. I only knew what me and him had together, I didn't want to know what they have together.

Later I met her. It was soooo uncomfortable to me. I was in their home and she was inviting me to eat with them and to stay and have coffee and chat. MM was there and so were their kids and the grandparents. I just wanted outta there! They looked like the perfect family. Minus the fact that Dad's mistress was in the living room.

It was weird after that since now I knew what she was like, very friendly and personable and how their family life is like. I knew then what I would be screwing up for him. I was never jealous of her since I'd rather be the one he is sneaking away to see then to be the one he is sneaking away from.

I actually feel kinda sorry for her. She made the same mistake I did: she loves someone who is in love with someone else.

I have never even seen her. He tells me she is a very nice person, amazing at her job, and good looking. However, he says she hates sex, is boring in bed, and has gained a lot of weight.

I'm very jealous of her because she has him. He says all his friends think she's so wonderful.

he is my boss, my parents best friend (obviously he is older), and his wife and i get along great. she loves me to pieces! i even went as far as staying with them for a month in between places.

Honestly, I feel sorry for her. She is sick, cannot speak after multiple strokes, and is bitter toward the world. But she has him and I don't.

I met her shortly after I met him, because he wanted me/her to meet each other. At the time, he wanted to reassure her that I was just a friend. The three of us had dinner together at a restaurant. Later, we saw each other frequently on weekends while pursuing a common hobby. Initially, it just felt awkward to be near her. Later, I started feeling resentment towards her. I didn't like the way she treated him and put him down in front of our common friends. I had a lot of jealous feelings towards her, because she had an official claim on him, while I had to stay in the background when we were all spending time together. I "played" his game for 3 yrs., but finally I put a stop to it. I informed her in an anonymous email about the relationship. The email contained very unambiguous evidence and details about how he felt towards me, because I just pasted dozens of his emails that he had written to me from his computer at work into the email that I sent to her. I basically had to "betray" him, but from then on, I felt a whole lot better. After all, he had betrayed her and me for years.

I have never met her. I have seen her though. All I know of her is what he has shared. I actually have a lot of respect for her. I empathize with her. I think her complacency has cost her her marriage, however, she is still unaware. I did some of the same things that she has done. I know she is a great mom. I hope she never learns about me. If all goes according to plan, after they separate/divorce, we will "meet" and start dating. I hope at that point, she and I will be able to develop a relationship. I don't expect we will ever be great friends, but I am hopeful that she will feel comfortable with me being her children's step mother.

I never met her, but xMM had a BW for sure. I cannot say it was always that way, they were married for 9 years and had two kids. He told me stories about things she'd do (such as set up trusts for their kids without consulting him, making her sister the beneficiary instead of him...only one such example, there are countless others). She would then drop them on him like a bomb at inopportune times, knowing they'd cut him to the core emotionally. She's a total sociopath; I think she took perverse pleasure in not only doing these things but also picking the best time to share them with xMM for maximum impact and anger from him. I was just so nasty, there are very few people who deserve that type of disrespect and intentional hurt. For that, I hated her...it gives women a bad, manipulative reputation that few of us possess.

The flip-side is that I also admired her. She was savvy and cunning. They had a nice home that they (she?) decided to do a lot of remodeling on recently. They sold some property they jointly owned, liquidated some investments, and took out a loan to cover the remaining costs. Only after all of this work was done on the house did she start making comments about xMM needing to look out for his future (as opposed to "their future"). They liquidated hundreds of thousands of dollars in marital assets to make the home more comfortable, knowing full well that the house could not be sold for value in today's housing market and would have to become hers when they did divorce because she is a physician & could afford the new mortgage which he could not on his own. So, I truly admired just how well she worked the situation & assets...if she were a friend of mine in an unhappy marriage where she felt she wasn't getting the support from her husband that she wanted or needed, I'd "high five" her for sure. Her strategy for screwing him over financially and asset-wise has been impressive at the very least.

BTW, d-day happened before she was able to serve without real cause; they are now getting divorced because she finally has an excuse to use that doesn't make her out to be the bitch that she is. Again, super-impressive work on an ending that lets her come out smelling like a rose.

met her when she came into my place of business; i expected to feel uncomfortable, nervous, guilty -- something. but i felt nothing; she was perfectly nice and we got along wonderfully, but i went home worried; not that i would be caught, but that i had no fear of being caught, that i didn't care at all what i was doing to her. i wondered what that said about me.

Under other circumstances we might have been friendly. We have things in common--besides him. In fact, the times I've met her, she's been quite pleasant to me. Of course, even though she knows he's a cheating, lying SOB, she doesn't know it's me.

But, she DOES know. He doesn't think so, but I keep telling him we're going to get caught. He seems to like "living on the edge." And, anytime someone tries to give her a heads up, he claims it's his psycho vengeful ex.

I am waiting for his boss, her father, to catch on. He takes a car from the lot when he comes to me. A little GPS device wouldn't be unheard of.

Yes I knew his wife. We had met socially several times over the years. In the beginning of our affair. I really didn't care for her due to all the things xmm said about her. He made her sound like such a self centered princess. Who knows the truth. It changed to hatred once she found out about us and threatened me via email to out me to my boss and family and left me really ugly voicemails at home. Then it got worse after he told me he was going to tell her he was leaving her for me. Turned out that was the last time I spoke to him. She called me about 10 days later to tell me he was sitting next to her and would never speak to me again. Words can't describe what I felt. The glee in her voice as she said those words to me knowing she was ripping my heart is something I will never forget.

I truly gave her no thought for the first few years of our emr. What we did was just fun, I had moments of jelousy, but just because MM would have to cancel our plans, and we had plans so rarely that was hard. After I realized I was in love with him the jealousy has grown and still can take me by surprise. He has never really said anything negative about her, I know he loves her and I am fine with that, because I don't doubt his love for me.

I met her once, by accident. I have seen pictures of her so I knew her on site. I thought that someday we might run into each other, but had asked around to make sure it wouldn't happen (sorry - tmi limits how much detail here). But happen it did. I was with my child... mine AND my MM's child, I knew her and thought for sure she would look at me and just KNOW that I had been having an emr with her H for the past 4 years, she didn't. It was awkward as she was with someone I went to school with so I had to stop and talk. I ignored her, I am sure she thought I was the rudest person on earth, I just couldn't include her in the conversation, I was just waiting for her to attack me. She is a sweet lady and I do feel bad about the emr, sometimes. After 8 years I know we share him differently, I just know that we share, and she just suspects that there is someone else.

...Did you know or meet his wife?
I knew her. We went to high school together and when I became engaged to my now ex, she became engaged to my future EMR. We were more aquaintance than friend. We spoke because I was friends with him.

...What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR?
I was racked with guilt because I liked her. We'd talk on the phone frequently and I felt awful.

...How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR?
I never stopped liking her nor feeling guilty for the affair. If it hadn't been for that we could have been good friends.

...Did you ever hate her? If so, why?
I tried to convince myself I hated her, just because she was what was keeping him from committing to me, but it never worked. I knew I was the one in the wrong.


...Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.
I wish I could apologize to her for everything, but I don't think she'd accept it. I would take it all back just to have her not hate me anymore. She knew, you see. She knew as soon as we got physical what was going on. She tried to get me to end it but I couldn't. In the end, I helped him ruin his marriage just as surely as he helped me ruin mine.

I've never met his wife, don't want to. At times I envied her but I never wanted to be her, i.e., I don't want to be "the wife". I think if I met her I would probably like her. I've never hated her.

It turned out that I had known her about 13 yrs ago, but we hadnt been in contact since. A week and a half ago, she found out about us, and we spoke on the phone, the next day I went to their house and met her in person. It was awkward, but my feelings toward her definitely changed after meeting her that day. Before, for the longest time, I didnt think anything about her at all. After we met and she was calm and accepting, I began to have a sort of respect for her. Now, I still feel that way, but since they are still in the house together, I feel a little bit of resentment because she still has such a hold on him. I dont hate her at all but I feel thoroughly disgusted whenever I think about them being intimate....which he swears hasnt happened for a very long time. If I ever found out they were intimate after he and I were, I would feel extremely jealous, and I might actually begin to hate her.

never met her, even to this day (2.5 years since he left her) have not had any real contact. He kept us very separate. She handled the situation very maturely, I give her credit for that, but the anger came out during the divorce in a very passive-aggressive nature.

I have no real animosity toward her but we wouldn't be friends either. I have no respect for her as a mother and that's the bottom line for me. Mess up your M, that's one thing, but neglecting your kids is quite another.

I am so jealous of her, I could spit. He left her for me and then a few months later, went back to her and left me. She's not very pretty. The only reason he's with her is so he can see his son...and it's just not fair. I never think I'm prettier or "better" than anyone but I don't see how he could have picked her over me. I imagine them at home (knowing he's unhappy because he was unhappy with her even before we met.) and I just get so angry. I guess I have no right. But still.

Did you know or meet his wife?
Girlfriend in this case His wife isn't with him and hasn't been for years and she's in her own relationship finally 4 years after he left her.
No I haven't met her, a few weeks ago he mentioned a job to me knowing I need a job really bad after being laid off over 6 months ago but I didn't take it because she works there and I'd have to act like I had never met him before.
What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?
I know LOTS about her, he never speaks bad of her just that she is pushing the fact that she wants babies SOON and he's 15 years older then her and already ahs a 14 year old so he's not too sure if he wants more kids. She's very pretty, young, has a great job, dresses really nice, she loves him so much and that is the hardest part about this whole thing. I have gone thru stages that I hated her because I felt like she took my prince charming away from me. Then I realized I don't hate her I feel so bad for her, I feel her pain because I know how it feels to love him so much and give so much to this man. She has an idea that he's messing around but she has NO clue the extent of the situation. She's been with him only 5 months longer then I have so she's shared him the whole time. She has no clue he's still married or that his 2nd wife was even married to him. She doesn't know the real him or all of his past or present. Last night I seen the rings he bought for her and I'm having hard time trying to walk away because I can't keep doing this to her or myself. I know he will keep cheating hes just that way. I was suppose to be one of his week flings not sure what happened but 2 years and 2 months later I'm still around.
Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

Never met her, as MM and I live in different states. I know very little about her as we had an agreement that we would not discuss our spouses.

Did you know or meet his wife? What were your feelings towards her in the beginning of the EMR? How did they change, if at all, through the course of the EMR? Did you ever hate her? If so, why?

Please use this section to express what you need to say about your feelings about his wife.

Never met the W. Saw pictures of her.

At the beginning I felt threatened, then as his feelings progressed for me and he withdrew from her I just thought she was pathetic to be hanging around still.

I admire W. On the one hand she is a very committed political activist and lawyer who has done good work within her community. On the other hand, W also comes across to me as a status-seeking elitist whose political and legal activit ambitions are driven by desire to part of a local powerful elite. She is pretty and a stylish dresser, always looks sharp and expresses herself well. I have met her on several occasions and I keep track of her through the various websites affiliated with her and her work. I have found myself feeling both envious of her success and yet aware that I am more down to earth, intellectual, "real," and spontaneous than her. Last night I saw some online photos of MM and W together at a community event and they had their arms around eachother both with big smiles. I wondered if he felt any guilt at all in the last 5 years of our EMR since they've been married for only 6 years in total. I enlarged the photo on my screen and zeroed in on her eyes, joyful eyes of love for her H, my MM.

i've never met his wife, but i know who she is. she's very passionate about her work in helping others but tortures her husband mentally, emotionally, and verbally at home. not a person i would want as a friend.

I never let him talk about her...I lived in denial throughout our 8 year relationship. I felt less guilty not putting a face to ther. He gave her respect as far as being the mother to his children, but I didn't even have an idea of what she looked like. We broke up or more like I broke it off with him a few months ago...she called me and was so nice to me. I can't play the part of a victim who held on to false promises, I'm the new kind of "other woman" who is to independent for that and made my own rules. So for that I feel guilt that she's so willing to forgive me. She calls me to seek peace and understanding as to why, but I can never give her the right answers to make all the hurt go away. She knew I existed, but never that I was the same woman for the last 8 years..that the affari was a real relationship. What's worse is that she lives so close. She googled me and found my picture and picked me out in a crowded concert. She was with him and made it a priority to come and say hello to me as she pulled him behind her. It hurt bad, but this time it was my turn to feel what I had made her feel, only this time there was a visual. I went home and kept thinking to myself if I feel this bad, it can only be worse for her. I will forever haunt her and their relationship. She lives with him and his presence is a constant reminder of his cheating and his betrayal. She sees me on the freeway and sees me in her bedroom. She calls me to as if I'm her therapist, as to find answers, but I'm not a monster, and I think it makes it worse that I too am nice to her. I feel obligated to convince her he never loved me, but she doesn't buy it. So now I have ran into her again twice in a week. It's so sad, because I want to stop hurting her, but my actions dig deep into her soul. It might be over for me but it's only the beginning of the pain for her because it's all out in the open now. Although he betrayed me too, I don't have to learn to trust him again. I get to walk away, with scars, but at least I get to walk away. She has to stay or make the deciscion to leave. She is tied to him forever because of their children. So I've decided to stop taking her calls. My attempt at giving her peace is unhealthy for both of us. I could never say anything to make any of it better. I think from our brief conversations that she's very much like me. Maybe that was the original attraction MM had for me, only with me it was a clean slate...at the time.

i haven't meet her but i know she has cheated on him many times in the past, and thats why me and him took our friendship to the next level, that i gave him clues that i was into him .when im with him i can tell he is not happy and granted  there is a 10 year differnce between me and him. but i know i can treat him better and be everything to him. but all i do is lie to him and tell him that im not falling for him so he dosent feel pressured but these feelings are eating me up. i just want to see his wife and know what i have to compete with, dose that sound wrong should i jelous and i do make it known to him that i do date other people and give him hints that i can have anybody i want and he isn't understanding right now im at a standstill on how how and what i should do and im confused the situation is more confusing then i have wrote which makes it hard to know what to do?

I've met her twice; the first time was several months before the EMR began and the second time was soon after it started. Both times she was inexplicably rude to me. Looking back, I wonder if she sensed what was going to happen between him and I. Her rude behavior made me laugh at her expense a few times in the early stages of the relationship. It was almost as if I felt vindicated by sleeping with her husband but that didn't last long. I feel bad for her to a point and have no ill will toward her. I didn't or wouldn't do anything deliberately to hurt her and the thought of my actions causing her pain distress me to a point... Maybe I'm cold but I feel like some of this was her doing, she got what she asked for like we all did.