If MM told you he wanted to leave his marriage, did he make any concrete moves to do so? Is he doing anything towards that right now? According to him, what influences his ability to leave? How does the fact that he mentions leaving but is still in his marriage affect you?

Please use this section to talk about how your life has been affected by MMs words – I want to leave my wife but am waiting for……”. Say it all, sisters.

he did say "I want to leave, but I want to wait til the kids are home from school for the summer so that this doesn't distract them."

That was the only waiting phrase he used.

He never once said he'd leave. Never. In fact, the one time I asked if there was ever a chance we'd end up together, he said "no". He never took his wedding ring off either.

But he wasn't married to her...he was married to the idea. The idea that he was a stable married man supporting the perfect family. Building the perfect little asset nest. He hung onto that stupid image even though she had left him alone years before. Even though she had left him to have an affair with another guy. Even though he had heard her tell her friend she couldn't wait to end the marraige. Even though he was the lonliest man alive.

Men are so fucking stupid about what matters.

MM said he was leaving his W after 2 months. Two and a half years later they still live in the same house.

W keeps saying she's leaving because she's unhappy at home, separate rooms, no sex etc, but she hasn't gone yet.

MM has said his original plan is now not working and he will now do the pushing to get W to leave. She's left before, but not during the A.

He wants us to be together properly next year, and we're already making plans for holidays etc.

In EMR#1, we really hadn't discussed his leaving..He called me one day, told me that he was coming to get me, and I moved back to his state with him. We went and found an apt together, and he left.

In EMR #2,we talked about his not wanting to remain married, or rather his not being sure about it, but ours was supposed to be a strictly sex only relationship, and I wasn't sure that I wanted him to. He did leave anyway...he went home, packed his stuff and left after telling her that he was going to.

He said (or rather wrote in an email) that he wanted to leave her. But when it came dow n to it (ie when I'd taken the plunge, admitted the A and left my H) he couldn't do it, because of the kids. He still says he would have done it if it wasn't for the kids. I think I believe him, I'd like to anyway.

If he said he was leaving her I would be at his side in the fastest possible time. I would leave my H, my job, everything, I would go and live in a hole in the ground on the other side of the world. Basically if it meant I could spend every night in his arms I would do absolutely anything.

Doesn't look like it's going to happen though. The kids are too strong a hold. I suppose that makes him a better man...but I do want him so...

He has a large financial obligation that will be discharged once his son is finished with college. He can't afford to bear the cost of divorce, pay his son's very costly tuition and live on his own. I may want to live with him at some point, but I certainly wouldn't allow him to move in with me straight from the marital home. So for the time being, it is better for me that he stays where he is. Since I have my own life to pursue and don't want a man around full time at the moment, things work out fairly well for me.

I don't feel like I am "waiting" for anything. He understands that the relationship we have now has to stand on its own merits, and that I will not continue in it if it doesn't. He treats me very well and does everything in his power to make me happy.

However, if he doesn't take action with all due haste when his son graduates, I'll stop seeing him.

MM began talking of leaving two weeks after we first admitted to having feelings for one another. Two weeks after that he told his W of me and moved out. He was out of the home for 3 months and returned for the kids.

Well... MM never said he woud leave... although hes said at times he wondered if he made the right choice getting married.

If he ever were to leave, it would have to be for something other than the EMR : WE both feel that way. And he is very concerned about the kids, although i know thats not the only reason he stays. He does feel for his W, and he would never leave her with the only reason being another woman.

Rain...

For a long time he said "i'm leaving" "she's leaving" "it's almost over".

I believed for far too long. far too long. Each time I was silently exillerated and then crushed when she'd stay.

In time I recognzed the lie and disregarded. There were times that I hated that he thought I was dumb enough to still believe.

Finally 8 years in he said "i'm not leaving my wife". what a breath of fresh air that was. To know that he was finally being honest with me. I LOVED IT! I just smiled and said "I know baby. I know". I still smile thinking about it. I thought. What a nice step for him. He's finally getting honest with me and with himself.

A year later he was back to "i'm leaving". I saw it as a step back. He was falling for his own lies again. Thank god I wasn't. I knew that soon it would be time for me to go. ANd it was.

When me and MM first got together he told me he would never leave his wife. 21 months later in July, after a family vacation he came home and sat W and kids down and told him he was leaving. W saw an attorney a couple weeks later then - NOTHING. Although he still talked to me about leaving continuously, I saw no action, I stopped asking questions and went back to living "one day at a time". November 8, 2002 - we went out and he told me that night that once we got back to my place he wasn't leaving. He brought his stuff over that Sunday and he's been at our place ever since.

My MM is leaving jan 8. He has told all friends, family, adult daughter. He found a place to live. However, I will believe it after it happens. I will give him space to adjust as this must be such a hard thing to do, uproot your life. If I thought he was doing it just to be with me, I would end our relationshp. I can't be responsible and wouldn't want to.

secret

He has never said he would leave. He has said he wishes that he had met me first... but he didn't and we are trying to deal with loving and losing.

He has said that if it wouldn't hurt other people he would leave to be with me.... that is a big "if" though isn't it?

MM started the A saying he would never leave. I accepted this for quite some time... until I met W and saw the way she treats him. I attempted to end the A because I just couldn't handle loving him knowing he didn't love me enough to want to be treated better. Through this, he realized that I am his true love and that he doesn't want to be without me. He says he will leave her, but he has asked me to wait a couple of years until his two eldest have graduated HS. Sometimes, the cynic in me gets the better of me and I wonder if it's all just a ploy. But knowing him as well as I do, I trust him. He's not the type to say anything he doesn't mean. And since I have agreed to wait, I don't feel I can go back on that. Now, after the two oldest children graduate, if he starts waffling then, it'll be a different story. But I have absolutely no reason to doubt him right now. He has contacted an attorney, just to get some preliminary background on divorces in his state, and he has begun to take some stuff from the house... tools and other things that won't readily be noticed as missing, and is bringing them to my place little by little. Other than that, no real concrete moves as of yet.

No just before we broke up he told me to give him a few days because he had to think about things which really scared the hell out of me because I was scared he was thinking of leaving. He said after he thought and just before he dumped me that there was no way he could leave and I said I never asked you to leave. I am not sure what was going on in his mind but him being with me full time was not what I wanted. even though it is six months since we split I still hurt and part of me wants him back just a masochist I guess him and his wife are going through a very hard struggle trying to save their marriage from his years of infidelity and I know part of me wants her to throw him out and I am not exactly sure what would happen there. I know I still love him. I saw him yesterday the first time for six months although we work five minutes from each other he was waiting for me on a side street when I got off work and told me it didn't look good for his marriage and it could really go either way. I am not sure what I would do if he was free but then that may never happen so I am not even giving it much thought but I guess it is there

he has mentioned a couple of times that there is no future in his m. that he will leave in the near future. it never used to bother me, but i am now more involved and although i dont encourage this conversation i do secretly wish he would. i actually called his bluff last weekend and said, ok, leave come and live with me.
funnily enough i havent heard much from him since, so he is either thinking about it seriously or running for the hills.

After one of the times we said goodbye he left her...they lived seperate for a year but he was still hiding me under the pretense (or reality) of keeping things calm till the divorce so that it didn't affect custody of his child. D-Day came and went, the wheels turned far too slowly and I left. A month later he was back in W's arms, two weeks after that they bought a new house together. Make of it what you will.

MM told me he was leaving for five years. But he didnt leave even after the 1st DD. Instead he told me that he was leaving me in front of her. One month later he told me that he only said that because W threatened to take the kids away if he did not agree to no contact. After the A started again, he said that he was figuring out a way to leave without hurting the kids. He ended up leaving after DD#2 five years later when she kicked him out. Now he is with me and finally admitted that thhroughout the 5 years that he never really planned to leave because he knew it would be too complicated. He wanted to remain the cake eater so he would have the best of both worlds. This admission came from him!

I have known MM since I was a child, but when I moved to another state, we lost contact. We lived separate lives for about 15 years and then I moved back to my home state. We reconnected and he was already in a failing marriage and had one child. They had already discussed divorce. We started seeing eachother a few months after we reconnected. He was still living at home, sleeping on the floor because the kid slept in the bed with the mom. I strayed from our "relationship" a few times because I struggled with the idea of his going home to her every night. I finally moved to another town a few hours away and then he moved out of his house. That was a year ago. He is still technically married and I am still a big secret because he is so afraid of losing custody of his child.

You can love someone with your whole heart and ache to be with them, but when it comes down to it, you have to love and ache for yourself enough to figure out what makes you happy. Truely happy. I am still in my relationship. I turn down phone numbers of handsome single child-less men on a daily basis, but it's starting to get old. I am someone to be proud of. I am no secret.

No hes never said he would leave her, he has told me we can never be in a relationship because I know him to well... In other words I know he'd cheat.

My MM and I work together. Every Friday afternoon he would say, "Maybe this is the weekend." I would wait patiently for him to call. Never happened. I would have such a mix of emotions on Monday -- happy to see him, but disappointed in the fact that he hadn't moved out yet. After a while, disappointment turned to anger. I wanted to control the situation. I gave him links to therapists. I listened to him babble about feeling so guilty but loving me more than he'd ever loved anyone. He'd tell me he felt he was cheating on me when he'd spend time with his wife. He said he had to leave -- "Just a little bit longer. Keep believing in us."

"I'll do it before my birthday" or "I'll do it before Thanksgiving" or "Just let me get through the holidays."

The EMR lasted six months and he hasn't even been married a year. On the last night, I went to his apartment when she was away, saw the happy photos on the wall, and thought, "He sold me on a fucking lie. He's not unhappy enough to actually leave."

"They're just photos. They don't mean anything", he said. He sounded defensive but also condescending.

The next day, I bought "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. (Buy it. Now.) That was only four days ago but I feel stronger than I have in a year. I haven't talked to him since. I'm in therapy and I look forward to getting my shit straight so that I'm never in a situation like this again.