When you first got involved with MM, what did you expect your relationship to be like? Is or has the relationship met your expectations or is it totally different?

we met in HS, nearly 40 years ago, and dated for a year. I expected we would get engaged and married; his candid response to that was 'if you want to marry, I will, but I cannot promise fidelity.' so I broke up with him.

intervening years, I married, then he married, but we stayed in touch, stayed friends, and always the realization by us and others that we were somehow 'connected.'

I moved; I divorced; I remarried; I divorced again - still we stayed in constant touch, still the attraction. he seemed to push for a physical relationship. I rebuffed, with a brief period of time we were actually lovers, between marriages.

last april, I told him I could no longer maintain the status quo of just friends. we married, or I was out of his life, forever. he proposed marriage, and promised he would get a divorce.

that is the preamble. my expectations were then that he would make the arrangements. what happened was this:

after 3 months, he moved out of the house, allowed his wife to 'discover' us, and expressed regret that she demanded a divorce, while admitting to me that that was his 'plan.'

I moved in with him (from another state); she got a lawyer and filed for divorce. he professed no need for him to retain a lawyer, as he 'knew' her, 'knew' they could negotiate an amicable settlement, 'knew' everything was still going 'according to plan.'

of course, that's not what's happening. he is learning exactly what a 'betrayed spouse' is capable of: hacking into his emails; depleting the bank accounts; firing and hiring lawyers right and left (and more and more money for retainers); pleading for his assistance in such tricky matters as depositing checks, balancing checkbooks, and paying bills; 'emergency' calls at all times of the day and night; reneging on agreements; threatening suicide if he 'makes her go to work'; and refusing to let him get his possessions from the family residence.

he makes noises now about needing to get his own lawyer, but he's been saying that for months. the divorce cannot procede until agreements are reached and signed, and he procrastinates on setting up mediation appointments. and goes to bed with a sick headache whenever he hears from or sees her.

I expected a divorce by the end of the year, with our wedding soon after. now it looks as though the divorce is still several months away. I have not issued any ultimatums, but I am fully prepared to walk if I need to. I have a good job, and I know how to balance a checkbook. grin

when i FIRST met MM... our expectations were very limited regarding our involvement and relationship with one another. We both had the same mindset: Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

We planned on us being a temporary thing. In fact, we were determined to ensure that it was only a temporary thing. We had every intention of making sure that things did not get too involved. We knew... we were too young, we did not want to be settled down or married or with kids or anythinglike that. We wanted to date other people, move on with our lives, he was militry, i ahd my own goals and plans, etc.

Obviously with that alone, our expectations were far from the results. We often talked about it and he even would say from time to time "im gonna have to come back and find you in 10 years or something... but youll probably have 5 kids, living in a trailer or something" lol.. (only joking of course - luckily im far from that). We never in a million years even suspected wed be friends in another 7 years, much less either of us being married, either of us having kids, much less involved theway we are.

Sometimes you just cant help everything Im glad things did turn out the way they did in alot of ways. I would have never had such a good friend otherwise.

As for the expectations on the EMR... the only thing we really set for expectations was at first that it be again a temporary thing, we figured wed outgrow it, keep it simple, especially since we both knew our intentions... (him staying married and me continuing to date). we just figured whn things got too complicated wed say enough is enough and maintain our friendship above all else. We intended on keeping our friendship forever and our EMR as long as necessary. Then we decided maybe a longlasting EMR (realizing necessary was a little longer than we thought) wasnt so bad.

I still have yet tosee where those expectations lead, so far not so good, considering i havent spoken to him in nearly 6 weeks.

Rain...

When we finally admitted our feelings for each other and actually started meeting, it was the most wonderful feeling...romantic, caring, sensual, comforting, warm, restful. He made me feel like I was beautiful and special. I knew I mattered to him. I knew he wanted me. We live a couple hours away from each other, so we talked by phone 3-4 times a week and saw each other every other week. I knew it would be a long time, if ever, before we would actually end up as a permanent, public couple. But I thought we would be lovers and continue talking and seeing each other like we were.

After about 3 months, he had some major events happen in his personal and business life that shook him up and he began pulling away. Our phone contact shrank to once every couple of weeks and our face to face contact every 5-6 weeks. I think it would have been less than that if I hadn't pursued the relationship. I no longer feel that I matter, although he tells me that's not true. I think he'd be completely gone if I didn't pull him back in every couple of months.

I expected to play a verbal sexual game and have limited, indiscreet fun - via email, with an old friend from HS.

What happened instead, is I fell in love, and didn't even realize it until I was already there.

I expected we would have stimulating and interesting conversations.

What happened is that we touched the deepest parts of each others soul.

I expected him to be my fling, and told him so.

What happened is that we developed a relationship that is too meaningful to let go.

I expected to feel sorry later.

What happened is I don't feel sorry at all.

My relationship started as just a casual thing. I was the instigator. I was in a LTR and had actually met MM through friends of my SO. My LTR was pleasant but there was no passion..no sexual relationship at all as a matter of fact. He was like my brother but it was so easy and comfortable that I fooled myself into believing it was enough. It wasn't. I knew the W first as MM traveled alot.
One night we were out to dinner, me, my SO, MM and his wife and several other couples. It was a Friday. One couple was anouncing their engagement, another was announcing a pregnancy and it was a grand celebration all around. I was very unhappy and drank way too much. I had made a point of sitting next to MM as there had always been an unacknowledged chemistry there and I enjoyed just being near him. At some point I reached under the table and squeezed his hand. That was all, just a quick squeeze. Later in the evening we all were exchanging phone numbers as this particular group did not get the opportunity to see each other much and lots had changed. As MM was writing them down, I specifically gave my work number as well as home. I spent all weekend thinking what have I done??? First thing Mon morning my extension rang. We talked briefly and agreed to meet for lunch. I told him I was sorry if I had put him in an awkward position, but he was not letting me off the hook that easily. So I went on to tell him that I was not looking for any kind of relationship but that I was sexually unfulfilled and attracted to him. He was quite explicit about being content in his marriage, never cheated and not looking to. HOWEVER..he would be spending the night in the city for business next week..did I want to come in for dinner and discuss this further. Two days later I called him and we arranged to meet.
When I arrived, he had a bottle of champagne, reservations at the most exclusive romantic restaurant in town and was as absolutely terrified as me. We had a drink, went to dinner and had an absolutely incredible evening. The conversation, the meal it was all like the most wonderful date you could imagine. The sex was good but almost like an afterthought as we had consumed at least 3-4 bottles of champagne. Still, we got up early and spent another couple of hours enjoying each other physically. Then we went our separate ways and I thought that would be it. That was 4 1/2 years ago. Somewhere along the line it went from just having good time to falling in love to the best thing that ever happened to me to now-which is the most painful thing I have ever experienced. If you would like to know the details of what has transpired between then and now, please email me. I would love a chance to share them.

I didn't expect nothing but a purely sexual relationship, what I got was a lover and friend. For now I'm OK.

I didn't expect him to be as unbelievably good in bed as he is-- seriously. I expected we'd have mediocre sex and I'd get him out of my system fairly quickly. Hah!

I didn't expect him to be the affectionate, emotional person that he is-- he's sure not like that in public with the guys!!

I actually expected to be hurt a lot more than I have been, and to be obsessed a lot longer than I was. I didn't expect to LIKE him or RESPECT him so much-- he was a guy cheating on his wife, after all. But knowing what I know about his reasons, I don't blame him.

A part of me expected what eventually did happen-- that his wife would leave him for reasons of her own-- all the signs were there-- but another part of me believed that was my own wishful thinking. It wasn't. She left.

I don't know, it's hard to seperate, through hindsight, what I "wanted" from what I "expected." It's been, so far, better than I expected, but not as good as I wanted.

I've been lurking on this site for awhile now. Amazing how similar these relationships are. I appreciate your advice, and the assistance you offer in the forums.
The topic of "expectations" came up the other night while I was discussing our situation with one of his friends. He is a big proponent of "us" and doesn't get why I'm finding myself more and more disatisfied with the way things are. He asked, "What were you expecting to happen when you got invcolved with him---how is it different?"
I answered, and answer now:
At first, I thought OhMyGod I can't possibly become involved with him---he's married. But then, after much pursuit, I gave in and thought, Well, it will be just a distraction from my regular life, a harmless flirtation. BUT THEN, we both fell hard. He has never led me to believe that he would leave his family for me. Yet, from the moment I fell, I've wanted him to do just that. I don't push, but he knows its what I want. He's finally beginning to say things which make me think he's at least exploring the possiblity, but my expectations are low. It will ultimately be the reason it ends. Even my low expectations will never be fulfilled.

A year ago, I would have said that I got what I expected. He said that he wasn't going to get a divorce and I accepted that. I was happy as TOW. I had no intention of ever leaving the relationship or pushing for him to leave his marraige.

Now, he's divorced and sometimes I still can't believe that I can tell anyone I want that we're going on a date or that we can spend the nite together. The other morning, he kissed me good-bye outside, in broad daylite and I thought it was the coolest thing EVER!! LOL! This is not at all what I expected. Who knows what's going to happen in the future, but the fact that there is a possibility of us having a "normal" relationship is something that I never would have believed!

I had known my OM for 5 years before I even had an impure thought about him. And then I had minor surgery and had a dream about him while under sedation. It was surreal because I had never thought of him in that light, I was married and faithful, he was off-limits and that was it. Then I jokingly told him I had dreamt about him and it turned into playful flirting, followed by passionate phone conversations and secret desire. We hugged just a second too long at family functions, we brushed legs under the table, we touched each other in passing much more than necessary. I never thought I would have an A, but it happened. When it first got physical I thought it would be a one time thing and I would "get it out of my system". He thought so too. Since then we see each toher at least once a week and talk almost every day and I am pretty sure I love him. I don't want to love him, but I do. I feel like I was numb before I started the A and I've come awake since. The time that I spend with hime feels like a dream, and I don't want to ever wake up. Then sometimes it feels like the rest of my life is a dream, a routine, and the real world is with him. As you can tell, I have analyzed this relationship more than any other in my life. Part of it is my competitive spirit, I am an over-achiever. I am certainly not used to being the one wanting more. I have always controlled every relationship, and this one I dont. Is that the allure? I don't know. But I think I would give up everything if he asked me to. I'm not sure actually what I would do, I just want him to ask. I want to know that he would give it all up for me, you know? I don't even know if I really want him or if I just want to know that he wants me more. That would be like winning, and I always win. That sounds worse than I meant it aas I type, but I think maybe the honesty is just painful.

what i expected on the night i went to him:
~that our really cool friendship of nearly a year would never be the same
~that he'd be freaked out the next morning
~that he'd never look me in the eye again
~that he'd avoid me completely
~that it would be a one nightstand
~or, that i'd fall in love while he became cakeman

what happened:
~he fell totally, wonderfully, happily in love
~i fell totally, wonderfully, happily in love
~we discovered the true meaning of "soulmates"
~i left my husband of 16 years and i'm going thru a difficult divorce but i'm still happy
~he has not left his marriage and, oddly, i am accepting of that

We were physically attracted to one another and we were supposed to have a 1 day stand..that was it..I never asked for his number (yes slutty-whatever)..one time only..when it was over,I was content on that being a perfect day with NO stress levels at all..he called within 1 hr of that incident and I said,you are breaking the rules..and he said,I know..but I didn't think it would be like that..and that was all she wrote we were full throttle into the EMR..so my expectations were..1 time..and what happened was almost 2 yrs of tears.

I told MM that this was just going to be a fling. Said that was OK, but he wanted a long-term fling. Years long.

We agreed that emotions were not to get involved. Love was definitely not something either of us was looking for.

A couple of weeks after the first time we made love he said "I think I'm falling in love with you". I told him that was against the rules, and we both laughed.
Next time we were together intimately, I told him the same thing.

Of course, after you say it the first time, it becomes something you have to say every time you talk.

I thought we would go on with the EMA for a long time. I never asked him to leave his W, don't know what happened, but he's gone.

I had no expectations entering into the R as I wasn't told he was married. WHen I was told, I was told they were effectively separated. Then she was pregnant. At first he was leaving her, but then he couldn't because of the child (their second). A lot of deception and to this day, I do not know the truth. We had fun and a lot of sex and I think I DID love him, however, it was a mistake of youth (on my part).

I knew he was married when we started our friendship. I was involved with someone else. I'm bisexual; my partner is female. I've always had male friends, figured this was not different. Unfortunately, the more I got to know him, the more I liked him and vice versa. We saw each other for dinner, lunch, movies, walks for about 1.5 months before he made the first move and held my hand at dinner. I thought it would be a fling and figured he would say the same. I thought it would be a fun thing, no harm done, no strings attached. Unfortunately, my partner found out and the past 6 mths is just about fighting between us, but she doesn't want to leave me yet, she loves me a lot. I still can't figure out who I really want but if I had to choose, I would choose MM. Unfortunately that's right, choose someone who is not available over someone who worships the ground I walk on. Things turned serious about 3 months into the relationship, it is much more than a fling.

I expected to have a physical R. That's all. It didnt' work out that way. It was brilliant. Communication, sex, care, respect and love at depths neither of us experienced prior. It's been liberating and developmental for both of us. We are a great match.

He left his W. We are together. Very happy and still learning and developing. The R is healthy, it get's attention and care. We don't expect or want that to end.

We thought it was going to be a one-weekend thing. We lived on opposite sides of the U.S. and hadn't seen each other for 5 years, and at that time, we'd barely known each other. The friendship and flirtation developed over the phone over about a 1 year period, and then one day he confessed to me that he was going through a rough time in his marriage and had thought about sleeping with me. I had had a crush on him for years and had told him right at the start of the friendship. He invited me out to spend a weekend with him just to "get it out of our system". We figured one of two things would happen: he would feel guilty and decide he needed to work on his marriage and we would never see each other again, or he would decide he couldn't stay in his marriage anymore and leave his wife. We never discussed whether I would be included in his life if he left, but I think we both assumed I wouldn't. I was just going to be the friend who was going to help him figure out what he wanted to do, and meanwhile we could both act on a fantasy that we'd had for years.

Well, he didn't fix his marriage, but he never left. We fell in love and after a 2nd weekend together, I moved across the country to be with him and we began our affair in earnest. We have both said since that if we had known what would happen, we might not have spent that first weekend together.

Well let's see.....

Had known xMM for 10 yrs prior. Was an awesome friend, purely platonic -- matter of fact he treated me like a sexless person which I loved after dealing daily with come-on's and such from other men. We both marry & our spouses get along great and the friendship continues.

Then we start corresponding....I learn he values the friendship a LOT, after months of talking he finally admits he'd wanted to date me 10 yrs before, then after a few more months says he'd fallen in love at that time also but he'd known I was happy with my fiance and so he never pursued...

Then a few more months and he revealed he was in love with me. I was also with him by then...I had known I was but also kept silent. We only ever exhanged a few kisses before he tells his W. We go NC for 3 yrs, until about a year ago. Now we're kid glove friends again, because he says he cared too much about our frienship to lose it forever. So far not even a hint of anything deeper....

So...
1) I never expected that he cared for me....he did.

2) I never expected him to tell his W...he did.

3) I never expected him to actually have a full-blown EMA with me....he didn't (not physically anyway...)

4) I expected him to halt the R....he did.

5) I NEVER expected him to sever the friendship as he said he valued it more than anything else....he did.

6) I NEVER EVER expected him to come back after telling his W and expecting her to be ok about us being friends again.....he did.

Hmmmm, so mostly he did everything I didn't expect him to do -- HA HA!!!!

When I met him, I just wanted him for sex. lol.

He's stunning!!

Now we're both divorced and together. Never in a million years did I think this would happen.

We dated 20 years ago and didn't quite get it together. He thought about me for years and finally contacted me. We emailed for almost a year before we actually met for our first encounter. I had just recently divorced and I needed to have a lover, as it had been awhile. He volunteered and I accepted. I expected it to be a case of getting together for sex once in a while, since he said he'd never leave his wife. I never expected to fall in love. In my own defense, he worked hard to bring my walls down so that I would fall in love with him again. It worked like a charm. I am very deeply in love with him. I can't imagine him not being in my life in some way. I know logically that our time will end, either with his wife finding out, or I'll meet someone single that is totally available. So I enjoy the love and passion we share day by day and don't think about the other. I did not expect it to last this long or be this deep. But I am enjoying it.

I didn't have any expectations as long as he was living at home. I was realistic and knew that this probably wasn't going anywhere and that I'd be heartbroken somewhere down the line, but he was optimistic that there'd be more, and he seemed so in love with me, promised that he wouldn't break my heart, dreamed of a future with me.

All that changed the day he walked out on his wife: I started dreaming of a future with him, and he stopped.
He took off his ring like i asked, but he's having so many doubts and has made no attempt to turn this into a normal relationship. Our relationship is still illicit, and I still feel like a mistress. When I told him of my dissatisfaction, things just got worse and he began to pull away.

So -- the reality is actually turning into what I originally expected. I'm trying, through writing all this down, and through reading other posts on this sight, to put it all into perspective and to think with my brain, not my heart. My brain tells me to end it once and for all. My heart keeps intruding and I can't stop thinking about him, fantasizing about him sexually, wanting to talk to him on the phone. Oh dear.

I wasn't sure what I expected. I knew it would probably end sometime although I hoped that it wouldn't. I hoped that he and her would get divorce. I never would want him to leave her for me...they were having problems and that's the reason I would have wanted their marriage to end, not because of me...but although they had talked of divorce I knew that if he was still with her, then he would probably stay with her unless she strayed again (she cheated on him first)...I knew that one of two things would probably end it - her finding out, or if she ever got pregnant. The second thing happened and it ended immediately. I was more surprised at how quickly he ended it with me than that he ended it...I thought he would continue to see me for a while. I had tried to prepare myself for the ending but I wasn't really ready.

I've been lurking for awhile, too, but tonight it seems that my four-year affair with my MM is ending, and so I feel the need to share.

We were friends and work partners for years before the affair began. I was so smitten, and when he finally reciprocated after years of saying he couldn't do it, I thought it would be like in the movies, with flowers and romance and candles and sexy lingerie. i thought he'd call when his wife was out of town (she travels frequently on business) and say, come on over and let's play, or let's go out somewhere special and then come home and play...

And it was special -- for one night, maybe two. Then it was just, like, oh, okay, so everything's still the same, but now sometimes we have sex and then go back to doing what we were doing. No flowers, no romance, no invitations (unless I initiated them).

But I felt like if I complained, he'd end it, so I put up and shut up for years and years while my self-esteem ebbed away and I got virtually nothing out of the sexual part of it.

I guess I wanted the fantasy of the mistress, and boy was the reality different.

I first thought it would be a one-time thing. We'd known each other for about a year before even the IDEA of it turning physical. I remember "the morning after" our first night together, kind of chuckling about it, thinking "what now" but certainly not expecting ANYTHING. Now several months later we are very much in love...not sure where it will go, if anywhere...but still in love just the same.

i told my mm when we met that all i want from our A was the good bits of a relationship, great sex, dates, fun. no hassle, no supermarket shops or boring nights infront of the tv.
he agreed that was exactly what he was looking for. and for the first few months thats what we got, now we are just down to the great sex. seems we a just fwb. not ideal, but when our time is so precious i would rather spend it intimately than in a cinema or restaurant. if we had the luxury of a couple of visits a week then we could pick and choose what we wanted to do. as shallow as it may sound, i want him in bed.

I am now with my MM he divorced and now we are planning on marriage. he was married for 25 years and told her about me and now we are together

I expected it to be like the movies or how it's portrayed by society: clandestine meetings, secret calls/texts, and sex. I had none of that except the secret texts/calls and a little bit of sugar in the makeout department. BTW, this was not for lack of want for the other things on my part. Who knew a guy would make excuses for getting together along the way, in effect turning down a hot piece of ass without any strings attached? Not me! And so not what I expected. Now that it's over, I'm glad we didn't have sex (even tho I'm sure it would have been fantastic!), but him not being in my life in whatever capacity doesn't make it hurt any less.

I found out a few weeks before we ended our EMA that he had strong feelings for (said he thought about me all day & had dreams about me) and figured out that he was scared & guilty the whole time because he was a MM doing things a MM shouldn't be doing. Noble in some respects, manipulative & misleading for me. I never knew where I stood with him because he was swung from one side of the pendulum to the other with me.

SO NOT WHAT I EXPECTED!

When I met MM I wasn't expecting anything. I was "happy" at home, so I thought. I told MM I was not looking for anything sexual. I thought we were just going to be friends but it spiraled out of control.

3 years later, we are no longer engaging in a physical affair. Have not laid a hand on each other in 9+ months, but are in daily contact.

I figured out that what I wanted was my own little box in his heart. In his mind. I wanted him to be able to compartmentalize and carve out a little bit of his time for me. I explained it to him like this recently. I wanted to have a place in his life where he would forget the rest of the world and just be with me with his whole heart, even if just for an hour a week.

I didn't get that.

i was with someone else at the time. i never expected to leave my boyfriend for MM, but it came to a point where I couldn't bear to lay next to another man at night. I wanted to breathe in MM. I had never loved that deeply before.

We made plans for him to divorce so we could be together. He couldn't do it. It broke my heart, but in some ways I had always been waiting for him to tell me he felt too guilty. What I didn't expect was for him to stop sleeping with me.