Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?

What does that mean to you? What do you think that means to your particular MM?

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about the debates that rage over "staying for the kids."

His W is very influential, as is her family. He is terrified to leave and lose the contact with his children. I personally don't think she'd do that, she is a great mother, but he's so worried that he would get bad-mouthed, torn apart by her that he just can't seem to do it. He stays for her, too, I think, but mostly for the boys.

It used to frustrate me because I see the damage the bad marriage does to his kids, but his W and he seem totally oblivious to it. I've gotten to the point and realized that he won't leave until he's ready, so there's not much I can do or say to make that happen faster.

I know that mm has a great love for his kids. When we were found out, the wife told him to pack his crap up and leave. MM said that as he started to leave his middle child was clinging to his leg and crying. This moved wife and she told him to stay on the sofa. They decided for the "kids sake" and their security that they would stay together and be roommates.

I have so many mixed feelings about this.
First I think that it's admirable for him to stay for his kids. I have kids too and I don't think that I could leave them either. I understand the desire to stay with the kids.

Then I tell MM that the kids are going to grow up and leave and he is going to be stuck with a woman he isn't even intimate with.

Well, by the time the kid are grown and gone. They will be old and being intimate won't be an issue. They will just be great friends.

Their whole life is crazy. The kids are in so many sports. They have to split to take the kids to practice or to games. There is no time to think...

It's like the wife once said,"It's family, family and more family." Translation: "Let's create the perfect family image."

Yes, they have the perfect family image, but that's all it is an image.

My MM's kids are grown and were in their early 20's when we first met. The "kids" issue has been very large with our issues though. His kids were raised to take no responsibility for themselves. They never had consequences for their actions and any trouble they got into, MM got them out of. So they learned to be dependent on him and to control him by their actions. Not healthy for anyone.

His son met me about 6 months in and was always friendly. He knew that his parents marriage had been over for a long time and we, in general, have a good relationship. His daughter, though, has been another story.

He told her that he was leaving his W and she had a full screaming tantrum in a restaurant. At 25 years old! MM felt guilty about it and he allowed her actions to control his. I insisted that at least he go to counseling (preferably they both go together) if he wanted to continue the relationship...and they went. After about 6 months of counseling she blew up again (in public, again!) when he told her that he was spending THX with me. She slapped him and he slapped her back, breaking her nose. They called the counselor and she agreed to see them on an emergency basis. The counselor told her "point blank" that she needs to get her own life and to stop trying to control her fathers. That he gave her everything and did his best to raise her properly. That is was time for her to grow up!

Ever since then they have rebuilt a much better relationship that ever before. She has moved out from the house with Mom (best possible answer for her) and has started her own life. She is happier than she has ever been and calls her dad every couple of weeks just to talk. A healthy adult relationship with her dad...finally.

This was a popular theme for the good part of our EMR. I knew his Marriage was mainly a result of the pregnancy, and he often stated that his son was his main reason for stayng. Im not sure what this meant to him... considering the kid wasnt going anywhere. it was way too far off to even think of "what about whenthe kids out of the house " (son is only 2).

Our conversations about it were limited though... i never asked him toleave, nor did i expect him to , although i prayed every day practically that he would.

One of our conversations about this that sticks out is when I asked "what if i did want you to leave? What would i have to do... what would make you leavE? what would it take?" (Not in a PLEASE LEAVE way, more of a conversational and curious prying for info way)... he said "you send your son to live with your mother, youcan have visitation with him, but yu send him off and be willing to move with me wherever i get stationed and then ill do the same, nd wel just start all over again. Think on that". I realized then what he meant.

The other conversation,the only halfway indepth conversation regarding the matter... was after he found out his W might be pregnnt, in fact they were "kinda trying" according to him. (Long story). I was broken... how could he only be staying for the son and be expanding his family, adding to it more reasons to stay, how cold he do tht if he loves me, if he wantsto bewith me, if everyhing he says is true.

I asked him "are you staying for thekids? is that it?" his answer: "partly"
I rephrased "If you didnt have the kids would you leave? His answer: " if there were never a you in the picture, i wouldnt ever leave... if you were still in the picture, i would probably leave... it would be a very likely possibility". Not a yes, but not a no, basically an "i dont know" but rephrased.

So i left it at that. That was our last conversation. I do believe he stays for more than the kids. i know he loves his w, he cares about her, he doesnt think she deserves it. there would have to be real unsolvable problems for him to leave.

Rain...

Similar to Cynthia A, he thought he could leave W, but the kids begged him to stay, basically, and he could not leave. I still don't know how to cope with this emotionally. He says if it was not for the kids he would have left her for me. I suppose I have no way to know if that is actually true. Also, how can she want a man who is only staying with her because of the kids?
If it was me I'd tell him to f... off! He must have told her that it is more than that, surely, whatever he says to me? He must tell her that he loves her etc...otherwise surely she wouldn't want him to stay?

Anyway, as I don't have kids I don;'t even feel entitled to comment to him about all this. He siad to me "do you know what it's like to have a nine year old crying and begging Daddy don't leave me?" Well, of course I don't so I have no answer...

But of course I think, is it really for the kids...? Is it really a good idea to stay in a marriage for the kids anyway?...
Oh it's all very hard...

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?

He told me that for over 3 years but eventually, he left.

What does that mean to you? What do you think that means to your particular MM?

I understood where he was coming from to a point. After all, I am a mother and I can't imagine leaving my own kids for another man. It eventually got old. He was always complaining about how unhappy he was but thought that if he left, the kids would be psychologically/emotionally damaged and would be turned against him by W. He had so many other ridiculous reasons. What would his family think? (strict Irish Catholic, no divorce!) What would the neighbors think? (I told him that the f'ing neighbors didn't have to live his life!) and just general b.s. I think he used the kids as the main reason and as his crutch for staying in an unhappy situation.

Whenever I asked him why he wouldn't leave, and why he chooses to be in a relationship where (he claims) he is so happy, his response was always that he was in it for the kids. However, I can't imagine someone staying in a relationship THAT miserable for the children's sake. Children are pretty smart and they know a lot of stuff we dont' think they know.

For a long time he told me "it's almost over". Then he finally said "i'm not leaving my wife." Not because he loved her so much but because "real men don't leave". and becaue he "made a promise to god"

I would say "didn't you promise no to fuck other people too?" to which he'd reply "you don't understand". Well obviously not.

For a while I really hoped that he's leave. in time i'm glad that he didnt.

Once I saw who he was. I mean who he REALLY was. I'm glad that he never had the balls to leave. I'm be one miserable girl if he had.

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?

What does that mean to you? What do you think that means to your particular MM?


My MM never told me that he would stay for his child, but knowing his own upbringing he would never leave.

His father left his mother right after he was born, there was no support from his father at all. He didn't meet his father until he was in him mid 20's, and he did quite a job on my MM. Tried to swindle him out of some money, and then left again without another word. My MM hasn't talked to him again, doesn't even know where he is. He thinks he has a half-brother out there.

My MM hated seeing his mother struggle with money issues, and I'm sure he hated not having a father around too. He's trying so hard not to repeat the problems of the past.

before the A started, H said he would never have an affair because of his child. he seemed so determined to be the best father he could possibly be. its always been on the forefront of his mind. and yet, the A began. he never said he was going to leave his M, and i never asked him to. granted, he knew i couldnt be with him long-term unless he left...and he knew for his own sanity there was something so wrong with the M that staying for the child wasnt really an option once he saw it.

he still beats himself over it sooo much. he fears the repurcussions of his actions will have on his child. but then again, the model of a marriage they currently have would do his child such a disservice in the long run. so, which is worst?

i suppose this is why he knows he has to leave. of course, he is concerned that W will brainwash the child against him. but he believes his relationship with the child is strong enough to withstand this stress.

so, i suppose the answer is no...he never said he wouldnt leave because of the child.

He's always told me he's staying until the kids reach 18. Then he says he's leaving W. I don't see it happening.

Well, he broached the whole thing with me with the disclosure that he was not leaving while the kids were at home. That was fine with me, I didn't want him full-time anyway. I was only comfortable with the A as long as I knew this was not a man with whom I wanted to be exclusive and permanent. (An overweight, smoking alcoholic 15 years my senior was not my dream man).

I believe him when he says he stays for the kids. He and his W have had separate bedrooms for 12 years (verified), and rarely have sexual relations. They also decided not to have any additional children.

But, you have to keep in mind, MM was a serial cheater. (I'm not sure if he has replaced me yet, but I think he may have). He has been using the excuse since at least 1989. While that IS why he stays, I don't know that he ever WILL leave, even when the kids are grown. A comfortable sort of inertia has set in. He has been able to have a pretty good extracurricular sex life without leaving home -- why change a good thing and lose your house to boot?

He struggled with this one for a long, long time. His children are very important to him, and he is, in all honesty, the best Father I've ever seen. That is one of the reasons that I love him. His interaction with his children and with mine.

I have never believed in keeping a marriage together simply for the children. I was raised in a home where all interaction basically ceased between my parents when I was six years old. I can tell you without batting an eye that, I never saw my Father kiss my Mother, or vice verse. No affection between them; no out-and-out fights either--just coldness. I believe it is better for a child to know two loving parents; even if it means those parents don't share the same home. Far better that than living with two parents who fight all the time or worse, don't interact with each other at all.

After MM left the home, he never failed to speak to his children daily. He and all his kids have a great relationship, and in all irony, they get to see to people who interact in a loving way--the two of us; despite our history, they love us both. They also love there Mother, but I have no doubt that they have learned to love me too. It is incredible.

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?

Yes, both he and his W told me they were staying for the kids.

What does that mean to you? What do you think that means to your particular MM?

His children were in their early teens. He meant that he was staying until they were finished university and out into lives of their own. He felt his responsibility as a father very deeply in his heart and that his happiness came second to theirs until they were adults. He felt that he could not put his happiness before theirs until that time. As long as they were dependent upon him, he had to remain in the marriage for them.

They got married @ 18 because she got pregnant... so the whole marriage was about the kids. He said there wouldn't have been a marriage if it weren't for the kids. His children are adults now, and he's very close with the grandkids. The son's children live nearby & visit just about every day (teenagers). The daughter moved back home after getting pregnant & he's now helping raise the new grandson.... which has become a big pull -- wanting to stay for that baby.

I mentioned that it's not likely the daughter (32) will stay there forever -- surely she'll meet someone or finally make enough money to support herself, right? But he said that's not going to happen, which leads me to believe she's made some sort of promise to let him be the father figure for this baby.

So, it's as if he has a new family now... the daughter is playing the role of wife (hey she punched a hole in the wall after discovering emails between us), and the W acts like she's their mother.

The bottom line is that any discussions about staying in the marriage never have anything to do with the wife -- it's always about the kids/grandkids.

~Jess

That's what it means to me. He says he wants to leave but his kids would be so devastated. I can understand and sympathize, but is it any healthier for his kids to sleep with mommy at night and he sleep in their room? What is that showing the kids? Is it healthy for the kids to hear them fussing? I watched my best friend go back to her husband time and time again for the kids and when she finally left she told me that she wasted so much time...

...is just that. Staying for the kids. This has been a painful source of conversation for us time and again. He simply cannot, will not willingly leave his children. They are the lights of his life and he cannot imagine being a part time father. He has friends who go through this and cannot fathom it.

I know that that places the ball squarely in my court. I know the score. I don't delude myself into thinking that when they are a bit older, or even alot older that he will leave. I take it day by day...

He told his wife about us a month ago with the intention of leaving her, but since then has decided that he has to stay and work it out because of his sons. I understand, but I also have an eighteen year old daughter who has repeatedly told me that she wishes that I would have left her father (whom she loves dearly) a long time ago because I was so unhappy.

He is a wonderful father and would always be regardless of who he is with. But he only sees this as a choice and I can't make him see that staying with his wife and being unhappy will only ultimately hurt the children he is trying so desperately to protect.
As long as he feels that he is choosing, we will never be together, I wouldn't "choose" him over my children either.

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?
Yes.

What does that mean to you?
It means that this summer I will have spent two silent years hoping she might leave him.

What do you think that means to your particular MM?
It means that he is protecting his children from going through what he went through at a similar age.

Please use this section to express your thoughts and feelings about the debates that rage over "staying for the kids."
I have no rage over this. Just hurt and a feeling of selfishness to boot.

We mutually decided to end our relationship because neither of us wanted to break up our children's homes.
We had come very close to being caught which shocked us both into looking at the reality of the situation and just how many people would have been affected by our affair. Our split was horrible and caused severe depression for both of us as neither of us really wanted to end it but felt we had to.

If we did not have children there is no doubt in my mind that we would divorced our spouses and married eachother.
I know this sounds cold.

It took me a long time to really believe that, and sometimes I still don't. I suspect it has a lot to do with his dependence on his wife, who is rather controlling and dominating, and his fear of appearing to have anything other than the perfect life in front of his friends and coworkers.

But I've seen him with his kids, and met his kids, and they're absolutely wonderful (6-year-old daughter, 2 year-old son). And despite his flaws, he really is a wonderful father. I think his kids are the only people on earth he really does love (he claims to love me and his wife, but I don't think you treat people you love the way he treats us, really).

He also has read those stupid studies that one psychologist did about how staying in an unhappy marriage is better for the kids than divorcing, and they made a big impact on him. I've read a lot about that study, and I've tried to explain to him that it was done with flawed methodology and a sample made up entirely of children whose parents had already divorced (I mean, what kid whose parents have divorced DOESN'T say he would have preferred them to stay together even if they were unhappy), but he doesn't want to listen to me. He says a lot of things about how he wouldn't get to spend as much time with the kids if he divorced, but he works about 80 hours a week, so its not like he really sees them now anyway. This is the part of our relationship that causes the biggest problem for us because I think his logic is so messed up on this point that I find it almost impossible to deal with him. Especially since he seems to think that it will somehow be "better" for the kids if he waits until they're older (like teenage) to get the divorce when practically every psychologist on earth says to do it before they're 10 or not at all. Its like he's willing to do the reading and research if it supports his messed up point of view, but not if it doesn't.

When MM and I first began our EMR his childrens ages were 12, 13, and 14. This summer/late fall which is "Our Day" his children will be 17, 16, and 15.
He feels that this is a good time to leave. He feels they are now old enough and that he can leave them and feel comfortable about it.
His wife tells the children that he is having an EMR and that makes him very angry. She doesnt really know and has no proof bc he is very careful. She did find one of my pictures about a year ago but he told her I was one of his patients that just gave him a pic.

He has discussed his possible leaving with his kids. The oldest daughter. is okay with it and understands that mom and dad no longer get along and want to be together. But his middle daughter (his favorite) is totally against it and says they can still work things out. His son, the youngest doesnt have much to say either way.

He has never said that is why he won't leave but I know him well enough to be sure. It is actually odd, when we first started our A, he did not have kids, then a few months into it when we were talking about his leaving, she got pregnant. That pretty much ended my hopes for him ever leaving her. He adores his little girl, and he is an amazing father and I don't think he could ever be a part time father. So, I hope that his W will fall in love with some one else and leave him I am not stupid, I know that there are still remanants of a relationship between them, they had another little girl last year, but I don't think they are close any more. When we first began out A, he was really carefull to always wash up after we were together and he was really paranoid about not hugging me while he was dressed if I was wearing perfume, but now he doesn't even bother washing his hands (much less anything else!) before he leaves my place and he loves when I wear perfume

I believe the children are a valid reason to remain in a marriage. Divorce can devastate children and cause them to go down a very bad road.

Neither of us wants that for the children we both love.

My MM didn't have children, but a few weeks ago, he found out that his wife was pregant and he has since ended it with me. I have mixed emotions. I have more respect for him because of his decision and I know it is the right decision because it's being responsible as the father, but I also feel hurt and some anger. I'm upset that he chose to end it with me for her, but I feel that if I'm too upset than that makes me a bad person for wanting him to continue to see me in this situation. The ironic thing is that if he had children when I met him, I would never have gotten involved. I would never have wanted his wife to be hurt because of us, but she had cheated on him and they weren't getting along, so I didn't feel that bad...but with children it's a different story, they are totally innocent and if a child found out his daddy was sleeping with me, the other woman, I would feel horrible. However, now that I have come to love him and care about him, I am torned between doing the right thing by not seeing him and risking emotional harm to a child if it continued...that's why I told him it was up to him. I didn't want to have to decide.

I have never been told that he was staying for the kids because he has none. But C knows I cannot leave my troublesome marriage because of my child. I have an 18 month old that I cannot take away from his fatehr and I am afraid that if I were to leave him, he would take my baby away from him. So coming from a womans aspect, it really is a true reason. My child is more important to me than anything in this whole world. Even if it means staying in an unhappy marriage until child is old enough to make choices about how much of each parent he wants to see, then so be it. I love my child too much to hurt him this young. I would rather have a discreet affair and get what I need there than to hurt my baby.

Yes, MM has a son and has told me that he is mostly staying for his sake and staying because he doesn't want a removed relationship with him. Which I believe.

I feel very torn about the subject. On one hand I want him to be happy and I know that I make him happy. On the other hand, without his son in his life everyday he would be very unhappy. So I understand it. And I also know, if he left his marriage and his son, in a sense, he wouldn't be the man I fell in love with.

His son is young, and we joke constantly that when he turns 18 in several years - that's when he'll leave and we'll be together. But I think I know that its not that simple. I think it will show exactly why he's staying - but I also know him - it would be too tough for him to leave.

In the past, he has said he couldn't ask me to wait for his son to turn 18 - but sometimes I just wish he would.

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?

What does that mean to you? What do you think that means to your particular MM?

About three months after we met, he finally confessed his marital status when I confronted him with my suspicions. Of course, I got the reason that he was staying for the kids. That he was in a relationship that lacked communication and physical intimacy by his choice. The more I got to know him I learned that his father had abandoned his mother right after he was born and left his mother to raise him herself. He is very involved in his kids lives and I can see that he doesn't want to be excluded from that. His oldest has gone to college and his second is in high school. She has two years until she will also be gone. He has explained to me that he doesn't see he and the W doing the same things in retirement so after the kids are gone, he will find it easier to move on. I have tried to explain to him that if they were find out about me that he would lose all respect from his kids so he is much better off moving out but staying close so he can still be part of thier lives. He choses to take the chance. I believe that he also has some fears about money stemming from the hard life he had with mom, and will mention that if he was to leave that he would have to pay half his check in child support and that would leave nothing for us to live on. He makes a very good living and so does the W so I find that hard to believe. I think that above all his reason is that growing up, he and his mom moved from apartment to apartment and didn't have a real home. The home he shares with the W, he bought over 20 years ago. It is home to him and always will be, I think that is holding him back as well. I can understand all these things and if he choses to leave it will be for his reasons alone. I don't want the responsiblity of keeping the relationship together when he comes to me.

MM has never used the kids excuse. in fact if he ever used any excuse to stay in the marriage then i would end it. he knows that i want a chance of a relationship with him 'out in the open'. if he doesn't want that he only has to say so kids or no kids. he loves his kids but we are both kids of divorced parents and know that kids survive D and that the best role models are happy, strong parents who make the right decisions for a happy, fruitful life. too many people i know wished that their parents would divorce when they were 'staying together for the kids' - what a load of rubbish - they stay together because they are too scared to be apart. kids are just, unfortunately, the excuse.

Yes, for years that is what he told me. I always believed him. He said he needed to finish what he started. He didn't want to be a part time Dad. No judge would ever give a work-a-holic his kids. He didn't want to see them every other weekend.

Until I became a Mother, I couldn't understand those feelings completely.

It means to me that he loves his children more than himself. As any parent should. It's one of the reasons I loved him so.

When he told me that he wished he met me before he married her, I believe him. It was the only way we could have had a chance since she was pregnant right after they tied the knot.

Yes, I was told that he was staying for the kids. His (kids) were 15 and 20--some age huh. I know that it was more than the kids. I know that he wanted to be around them every day, and that he just couldn't handle that he might not get to see them every day. He also didn't want to loose what he had put into his family--(money, house that he built and all of his stuff). I felt that he really cared about his possessions more.
He told me 3 times that he was leaving and the last time he told me he was staying instead it was because his youngest was flunking school and he felt he was to blame.
I was devastated and you know, I really started to resent his boys, even though I knew deep down, I couldn't resent them, because they just wanted him to stay--he supposedly did everything for them, took them to the doctor, they went and did things together. Every child wants their parents to stay together, I knew this because of my own kids and when I got a divorce.
I should have seen it coming, with the way he talked about his boys.
It was just really hard to deal with, I felt like I had been hit in the stomach.

definitely. They got married because she was pregnant. They hadn't known each other very long, had only been dating.

He loves his children, he is a great father. i think he stays for his children to be able to see him everyday but he also stays so that he can see them everyday too.

Yes, but not only for their son, but he doesn't want to destroy her, and I respect that. They lost a son 3 years ago also. We have been silently "hoping" that he can drive her away, but I have come to the conclusion, she isn't leaving, and he won't leave her, so I am not in his future. I am just realizing this after almost 2 years. Duuhhhhhh!

MM and W are in marriage counseling to stay together for the kids even though he has told her he doesn't love her. To me that means that he loves his kids more than me and he should. He is a great father and that is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.
MM knows that I think that staying for the kids is selfish and is the one of the biggest mistakes parents make. I came from a home like that and do not favor it. He knows the decision that I have made to not work on the M and that it has had a positive impact on my kids. They see their dad differently now. In a more positive way.

That's what he told me. I said to him "I don't know if that makes you incredibly brave, or incredibly cowardly."

To sacrifice ones own happiness for your kids must be a truly great love - one he obviously didn't have for me. I couldn't do that - but what do I know, I don't have kids.

I pity him - staying married to someone he doesn't love. And I know he doesn't, for true love wouldn't have you cheat on them for 18 months.

I wonder how he's going to cope in that house for the next 50 years of his life, then have to tell myself that it isn't my problem.

My XMM always said the reason he couldn't leave was because of his kids. I think some of that is a convenient excuse for all the many other reasons he is afraid to leave. It became a very sore point between us and I grew to resent his kids (this did not effect them as they were very small and had no interaction with me). I think staying for the kids is nuts. The kids will grow up and he will be a lonely old soul.
It was a good excuse to cover up the fact that he didn't want to pay child-support, he didn't want to give up his money source (her), his big house, his car and he was ridiculously worried about what others thought of him.

Has MM told you that he is staying in his marriage for the kids?
Yep.

What does that mean to you?
It means he is a good father to me.

What do you think that means to your particular MM?
It means that he is staying in the M for now so as not to disrupt his family's life. To be with me now, he would have to move cross country and basically abandon his kids. Not an option. He has promised when I can move at least to his state, which will be when I am done with my degree, he will get the D.

Yes. He tells me all the time. He never says that he's staying in his marriage for his girls, but he says he can't go until he can take them with him. I know that that will probably happen. I am not disillusioned that he will ever leave. I think he says that to convince himself that he doesn't want to be with his wife. I think he thinks I am dumb enoung to believe him. He sorely underestimates me. And that is the thing I get angry about most.

I usually don't ask him any information about his home life because I'd rather not hear the lies. I want to be blissfully (yeah right) ignorant. I am in love with him and prepared to go thru all the heartache I expect when I love him too much to stay.

We are both staying for the kids. I have three ages 11, 8 and 3 and he has one daughter 10.

He is a wonderful father and cares for my children as much as his own. We both agree that it is important that our relationship not cause our individual divorces as it can impact the children and how they perceive each of us.

While I have the advantage of a husband who still cares for me, his wife and he are bitter toward each other. He was concerned if he left (which he was doing before he met me) that he would never see his daughter anymore. He is a firefighter with an odd schedule which might conflict with his visitation rights. Therefore, he tolerates the situation at home to stay with his girl.

I understand completely!

When our affair first began, it was clear to me that he would do whatever it would take to keep his children. His wife is not rational when it comes to the topic, and had threatened him before that if anything ever happened she would take the kids, move several states away, and insure that when and if he did see his children they wouldn't want to see him. She has family money- or rather her parents have money- and she's already got the high-priced prick lawyer waiting in the wings. Having already "lost" a son in his youth- his ex girlfriend asked that he sign over his rights to her new husband, and he finally agreed- he has lived in constant fear of losing another child.

And then I got pregnant.

Trust me, it was NOT planned. I was on birth control, and we thought we were safe. However, the fates conspired that we would have this child...

He managed to keep it a secret from his wife for an additional six months. When she found out, she was enraged... but not willing to lose her husband, her family. She tightened her grip. He was to have nothing to do with me, nothing to do with our child. She pleaded with me to never acknowledge who the father was, fearing what others would think if they knew...

My son is six and a half months old now. His father pays child support. And although he managed to "tow the line" and stay away for three months, we resumed contact shortly before our child was born and more or less resumed the affair shortly after his birth. The wife does not know. The three children they share- all under age 5- do not know they have a half-brother. There are no plans for any of that to change any time soon.

I didn't become pregnant in hopes of luring him away from his wife. In fact, if I am being honest with myself I don't even believe that this man and I would be happy together if he were to leave her, because there are things that I want that I know he will never be able to offer me- namely, other children (which he cannot afford financially or emotionally). But it disturbs me that he is still telling me that he is staying with his wife "for the children"... because he now has another child, one that he shares with me.

He will always be my son's father, but I can't help but wonder if he'll ever be his dad.

Our A started 6 years ago. It was great while it lasted, and then "I can't leave my kids" came around. I still stuck around for a little while, waiting it out. Then I decided to leave. I couldn't be to blame for a man leaving his family, I couldn't deal with that at the time. He begged me to stay, he swore he would change things. I told him I would be back in a few years if it was supposed to be.
A year ago I came back into his life, thinking things would be different now. He has sworn to never lose me again. I love him more than anything, but it is still the same story. "I would die without my children". I have so much respect for him for doing this for his kids. I have no children, but if I did I would never want to be without them. However, he also talks about how the fighting is unhealthy for them, and he knows he should leave. Deep inside I still have hope that someday soon we will be together, but reality tells me otherwise. I guess time will tell.

Yes, he's staying for the child. According to him, the only reason they're together is because she got pregnant. (This happened with his last wife too.)
He's always wanted to have kids & he has a good relationship w/his daughter from this union. He has no contact with the child from his previous marriage (and she lives in the same neighborhood where he works!)this bothers him a lot. He doesn't want to make his daughter go through the same trauma as his eldest did when he divorced.
I know he's living in a fool's paradise. He thinks this can go on forever--me and the family in separate counties, in different parts of his life. When his daughter discovers that Daddy has been a cheat and liar she'll need more therapy than he can afford. And she will find out, as soon as his wife does. I don't want either of them to find out, but I know I'm not the only "Other Woman" in his life, so it's inevitable.
I feel badly for this precious little girl. Sooner or later she's going to be completely disillusioned about her Daddy & it's going to break her heart.

He loves his kids. I truly believe it is a heartwrenching decision to leave them. In the end he said he feels it is his responsibility to sacrifice his life for their happiness. He struggles with the fact that he and his wife fight constantly...and his friends tell him to spare his children the pain of an unhappy household.
I understood this, but in the heated demise of us...other issues came out. Like the fact that the house is hers due to an inheritance, the cars, etc. He broke down one day and admitted he didn't want to be poor again. I also came to find out that he lies to his wife alot, and she treats him in a very demeaning way. Humiliating in fact. I ask myself who would stay in such a situation? I believe now that he likes the arrangement. I think she is in charge and he finds comfort in that. His kids are part of his reason not to leave but in the end its more the other things. He is a good father but I think he is selfish for his decision. For his kids and his wife. His wife deserves a fighting chance at a real relationship, not a deceitful one.
Yea, in the end the kids are just a good excuse he can wave like a badge of honor. I don't like him much for that.

mm would go back and forth about the kids one minute they would be ok and the next they wouldnt.It was an excuse!I put up with it so long and then in the end I knew he just didnt love me.

he has said that his daughter is his main concerned, when he thought of leaving a couple of years ago it was her that kept him there. she is now a teenager and more able to cope especially as all her friends have divorced parents.

i can appreciate that its not easy, but he isnt a very hands on dad, so that confuses me. i am a daddys girl so i know the bond is a special one, but after the dust has settled their relationship shouldnt suffer.

My MM says he is staying for his kids. they are 7 and 5, he says it will probably be 5-6 years before he feels they are old enough to handle his leaving. I find it difficult. I understand and admire his desire to do what he feels is best for them. I am just afraid that it may not be what is best. I worry that he is deluding himself into thinking that they won't need him as much. I think they will need him more. I know he is an amazing father, and I know that neither hell, nor high water will keep him from continuing to be an amazing father after he leaves. I cannot try to convince him of that though. If I do, later when the eventual rocky road presents itself, he may blame me. I have told him though that there are pros and cons to staying and leaving. By staying, his children do not get the advantage of seeing their father truly happy, of seeing him love and cherish a woman, and seeing a woman love and respect their father. I feel that is so important. Their mother is great. But, she has lost all interest in having an intimate relationship with him. Which is difficult to understand. They used to have a very active sex life. And, he has a very strong sex drive. He is an amazing lover. I cannot quite understand why she deprives herself, let alone him. Anyway, that is probably for another post.

my xMM says he'd die for his kids. i believe it because his w is systematically slowly killing him with emotional, mental, and verbal abuse. he puts up with it because he thinks that it's good for the kids to stay in an unhealthy marriage. how much sense does that make? he says their arguments are gut wrenching for the kids. his 9 yr old is panicked at his parents getting a divorce. the continuous chaotic arguments are not healthy for his kids. his w uses the kids as weapons to manipulate him. he says he's been unfulfilled for many years (until he met me) and sacrifices himself for the sake of his kids. his decision was to continue his martyr-dom. admirable or delusionary? how long would that go on for? you think the kids understand and appreciate it? they know when parents don't get along. an unhappy home is an unhappy home. being physically together doesn't make it a good place to live. once the kids are up and out, he's going to wake up one day and find that he's lived a cold empty life, in a marriage that has long been void of any affection or connection, and too scared to make a change. how pathetic is that?

It's bunk! Plain and simple...he stays because he wants to. He wants the best of both worlds, his 'loving' home and his lover on the side.

My MM is definately staying for the kids. Friends confirmed it. They were divorcing but he went back because the kids needed both parents. He is miserable with her but is worried what will happen when he leaves.

It upsets me that he is living a charade. That he is not happy and chooses to stay in a situation that is not happy. But he has made his own bed. Will I stay until he leaves? Probably not, but for now our situation works.