Any suggestions for healing after a long-term affair? I just ended a two year relationship with a mm who had been my best male friend for four years prior to becoming intimate. He pursued like crazy and I said no for many years. Then, we decided to change our relationship. Now, I made the decision that I wanted to have more than part-time and he decided that he couldn't/wouldn't give more so that's that. I feel just terrible and at a loss. I know I shouldn't question what happened and I am glad I voiced my needs, but my heart has been in my stomach because of this. We made sure that neither or us ever used the "L" word and I guess he just figured out that I do love him. So, he is quite a bit older than me and feels that he is holding me back because he won't give more than he is. Plus, he says he can't handle not sleeping at night over guilt due to his feelings for me. SO, I need to move on and anything anyone can contribute is helpful.

the only thing that seems to heal is time and distance. It has been six months for me and I am still not completely healed but time seems to be helping. It still hurts like hell and I still love him and miss him but it is getting easier. Having as little contact as possible with him as made things easier. out of sight out of mind is not completely true but it is better to not see or hear from him then to be constantly reminded what we can't have. unfortunately our heart does not have eyes and can not see wedding rings or understand that we are not suppose to love mm. good luck it will get easier maybe not today nor tomorrow but one day soon it will not hurt so bad. I just know I will never go through what I have gone through again. In fact I am not even sure I can or will ever love again.

try to look at the whole A from the outside ..try to be realistic and stop putting him on a pedestal or make excuses to him

Actions speak louder than words ..if he didn't treat you with respect during your A say your blessings that it's over

I am so impressed with what you write here. And good for you (cheer, cheer, cheer)! that you are out. Thank your lucky stars! I think for me the hardest thing to grasp is the daily "checking in" messages. He showers me with them. I hold the phone - wondering if he will call..I watch for e-mails....I obsess in my thinking about him and it is driving me fully crazy!

Until september of this year, he was just another guy and a guy who gave me some attention. We lived in different states until May of this year. In about September or October, I told him I had a date with another guy and his response blew my mind and really is where the hurts for me began. He immediately wanted to see the new townhome I purchased, (because he would be living there one day)....he wanted to help me purchase upgrades to the model...(which I ordered and guess what???no money has come for upgrades!) He gave me money and started planning trips for us. Isn't this crazy? I told him at that point (because it sure sounded like he was going to leave his W)...that he should try to make it work with her and get the book "Passionate Marriage" and really work on it. I used to understand that this was a passing thing and that I was in it only until I found someone to date.

I do date, but it causes me grief and guilt (how crazy is that)! My guy calls me so often (and I think it is overkill--a bit of controlling behavior....I can hardly get out with others. I haven't told him I date others...not sure why. I truly think I want this to be done and twice in the past two weeks have not seen him when he's been in town and that has made him angry. Wow am I strong! ; )

I do have dates set up with others and am toying with going to a dating business for help meeting professional people. This guy has the qualities (except for cheating--and wouldn't we say that is a big on) that I've wanted in a man. So, chalk this up to experience. I do believe I am on my way out....it is just taking time. It took me leaving my ex h 7 times before I stayed gone. I think on this one I may be on #4....

thanks for listening.

OMG, that whole obsessive checking of email, cell phone, waiting for a text msg or a call, BTDT and yes, it's enough to drive you crazy. That was the best thing about my ending. No more slavery to the cell, or the phone, or email. Total freedom! You won't believe how great it is to have a life away from cells or email. Yes, you miss it at first and it feels strange and sad, but eventually the freedom outweighs the missing and the sadness and you actually start enjoying that freedom. It's a process, won't happen overnight, but it does eventually happen.

i don't know how to "heal". I lived with my MM monday - friday; he went to the wife on weekends (his job is in another state).

I couldn't handle the lies, his private calls "home", and the famous phrase: when (insert event here) I am going to leave my wife. after 3 years of this; I walked away.

I could call him tonight and be in his arms in a couple of hours; but the cycle would repeat itself.

I'm a broken woman with a shattered heart. Can't eat, can't concentrate, I cry in the shower and in my bed.

The lingerie in my drawers was for him. My clothes were for his eyes. His influence is all around me.

but -- it's been two weeks, only. I'm hoping for a dry-eyed day. maybe tomorrow.

Lyn, hope you are feeling and doing better. Be patient with yourself; it takes a long time to heal after a 3 year affair. But slowly you'll notice that you'll start buying clothes for yourself, and living for yourself, and that you think of him less and less. And that's when you'll know you'll be ok. Which you will be but it takes time.

I'm now 15 months on from our ending, me MM, her a MOW. Total NC with no warning and then it was over. I still think of her every day, every hour some days. Can't get over it. Have been to counselling but it doesn't stop hurting.