I am a 19 year old freshman in college. I would like to think of myself as a good girl with Christian morals. I came to TOW because I came involved with a MM but am so ashamed and scared that I am afraid to confide in my family and friends in fear of their reaction. TOW has helped me with the support that I need to get through my situation. I am on day one of no contact with my MM and its kind of hurting me but i'm trying to get through this. this is my story...
I would like to think of my story as a little different since I am younger than most people would assume an OW would be. A few months before my 18th birthday, I was bored on the chatroom in my dorm. My MM IMes me and I ignore him. For several days I continue to ignore his messages until I finally gave in and responded. He was very interesting to me. I knew from the beginning of talking to him that he was married with kids and that he was 12 years my senior. I figured I wouldn't meet him anyway but I was wrong. We both were African-American, so we were culturally the same and we both happen to live around the same city. I was very lonely and wanted company. Fast forwarding, we have met several times and started to become sexual even though we never had sex, i'm still a virgin thank God. I met his little kids and went to his house. I felt like we were so connected and had so much in common. I loved how his body felt close to mine. I felt like he was the one for me and that we were meant to be together. Selfishly, I got to the point where I wanted him to leave his wife for me. He never gave me false hope but I wanted to be with him. He was more than my lover, he was like my best friend, we both shared around deepest secret with eachother, our hopes and dreams. We both decided to end it because he said he doesn't want me to be hurt and that I should do whats best for me. I feel great that i'm now out of the situation but I am not sure now to rebuild myself or my self esteem from the situation. I have volunerily signed up for free counseling at my school but i'm scared to let her know my secret life that no one knows about. I just want to put the pieces back together again and become a better person from this.
I feel like I was in a similar situation to you - and I am going through the shame and torment now.
I cannot tell anyone because though his W suspected and confronted us, we have maintained to everyone that there was nothing, so we are both alone in our hell, unable to love each other or communicate, but living in shame and fear.
The worst thing is I feel lost, like I have lost my self. Like in a way I failed my 'life test', though I resisted initially, I ultimately gave in to temptation.
I feel weak, alone and pathetic, and a liar - forever condemned to harbour my secret from my lover and friends.
Don't feel so terrible, I justify it like this:
People are creatures and meant to interact and love one another
You wouldnt have gotten involved if you didn't feel alone, and that you found a deep connection with that the other freshman around you couldn't provide, and but for societal rules the situation would be acceptable.
But you are good person, and knowing the toll it could take on his family you both ending your A, so move on and LEARN from your experience or you will be doomed to repeat, and if you go there then you have failed yourself.
At least you didn't have sex with him - because I think flirting and naughty business is one thing but once you cross the sex line there is no return.