my thoughts

by Mary

That's nice to know that you was like that but was able to turn out to be nice later on. I hope my son can do the same. AND NO DON'T SLIP BACK. There's too many people in this world already that is just not nice and is just too cruel to each other. I hope that really was just a joke. And funny, I admit. The other joke, well I'm not going to even begin to comment on that but hahaha. Genetic I don't know. I was closer to my son when he was younger than my daughter when she was at that age. But she's always been a daddy's girl though she loves me very much too. And his parent's spoil her rotten with their money so maybe that kinda interfered. She used to like her grandma better than me but that's changed I am so glad to say. But I guess my son does look up to my ex as his role model, guess that is natural. My ex isn't his biological father, but he loves him as though he was. and i don't argue with my son in fights but i do tell him if i think he is doing wrong and try to tell him what is right but he considers that running my mouth though i'm not. i let him make whatever comments he wants to about me now and act like i'm just ignoring him. i don't get into heated arguements with anyone anymore. it just causes unnecessary stress to everyone around, i had to learn that the hard way. i used to get very defensive when my ex put me down and got very mouthy over it but i didn't like being that way and i quit fighting and just usually cry over it now. My son said I always caused the fights because of that. That was the price I paid. The suicide thing, well I wish I could have control over that, but when I am in alot of pain, it's like I lose sense of my sanity and have such stupid thoughts. Yesterday was a really rough day for me but I'm glad to say I got through it. Doing better today too. I thought about taking a bunch of valiums last night as I know that is all it will take. Then I started thinking of what it would do to my kids and was able to stop myself. I however thought I'd let myself die from my anorexia disorder as it can be so easy to lose my pottasium and kill me, it almost happened awhile back ago but it wasn't intentional though I could make it that way, I thought that way my kids wouldn't know it was suicidal because I know the suffering they'd do over that and I don't want that. Stupid ignorant pathetic thoughts I know. I really don't want to feel that way. Not ever. But I am in alot of pain and it happens. Hopefully things will get better and I can fight it till it does. Sorry but the hell thing I wouldn't put into consideration considering that I already live in it. I realize those consiquences though, I grew up going to church most of my life. But death has come to seem like a place like going to heaven. No more heartache or pain and no one ever being able to hurt me ever again. I started therapy last week for this, I hope it helps. Sad thing is that I know my doctor could pull me through this really easy. He helped me before through the roughest time of my life. But since he is a doctor, he doesn't have the time to where he could council me all of the time. Nor would I ask it of him. He just has a gift of making me feel better no matter how lousy I feel. I really wish he was my therapist instead of my doctor. Thanx again for the advice and kind words. Sweet you are !!!! And rotten so it seems.

Posted on Oct 16, 2003, 8:13 PM

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