my stomach is clenched like a tight fist from endless bingeing and vo**ing recently. wondering where its all going to end. su at times. not feeling like me for the greater part. struggling with everything. throat hurts. head aches. body bloated and limbs swollen. sweating and shaking. vivid m*mories yet dont know what is real. cant face them. dont recognise myself in the mirror. need to study my face, cant tell who it is. have to pretend to be a person. wasting my life away being constantly unwell. who is this person that is meant to be me. i feel invisible as a mental health patient. who cares about people like me. i live behind a front. why cant i have some self control like others. why was i doing well and now im not. who is this freaky person. why do i only stay alive for others. why can nobody help me. why will i not be helped. why do i not feel alive and enjoying my life. why do i let them have a hold over me. why do i remember so much yet say so little. why do i shout inside. why do i feel so little. why do i feel like hu*ting myself. why do i s*ck my thumb all day. why does she talk and embarrass me. why does she rage and im left trying to cope. why do i know so much yet understand so little. why cant i make changes. why cant i move on. why am i unloveable. why do people not believe me. want to rip my bo*dy out. i think of the scenes but choose to only remember the grub and how good it tasted. but you would when youre little and alone.
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